Chapter 23

MAC

I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. Elodie had fallen asleep quickly—thank God—but I couldn't turn my brain off.

Anxiety crashed into me like a tsunami. Had I pushed Elodie too hard? She hadn't used her safe word, but she was still new to BDSM. Had she felt like she couldn't say no?

I grimaced, rubbing my forehead. The thought that I'd ruined everything between us because I couldn't keep my own emotions in check . . .

And I wasn't even angry with Elodie. She was innocent in all of this. But she'd selflessly let me vent my anger, hurt, confusion, desire, lust—everything.

I was angry with Caroline. I was pissed that she was dead, and I was pissed that she still haunted me, even in death.Did I need a fucking exorcism? Was that the only way to purge Caroline Bradford from my soul, once and for all?

I'd punished Elodie, flogging her like that. She'd assured me afterward that she'd enjoyed it, but would she still feel like that in the morning? If she ran off and never talked to me again, I wouldn't even blame her.

I eventually fell asleep but woke to an empty bed. The sun hadn't yet risen; it was probably close to five a.m.

I went downstairs and found Elodie at the kitchen table, a mug of something in her hand. She was staring off into space. She didn't even hear me approach until I was right in front of her.

She jumped when I said her name. "Christ! You scared me."

"Sorry." I went to flip on the light above the oven. "It's pitch dark in here."

"I didn't want to disturb you."

I frowned. "From turning on a light downstairs? And how did you make something to drink?"

Elodie's smile was wry. "I could make tea with my eyes closed. What's funny is that I don't even really like tea, but I didn't think coffee would make sense. My mom was the one who loved drinking tea. When she was sick, I always made it for her. She always claimed that whenever I made her tea, she felt better. By the end, I knew she was just humoring me."

I sat down, unsure how to take Elodie's mood. "Are you okay?"

At the same time, she got up and said over me, "Do you want a cup?"

I nodded, only because it seemed like she was going to make me one regardless. What was ironic was that I hadn't even known there was tea in my kitchen. Had Andrea left it here? I rarely used my own kitchen beyond storing essentials.

Elodie eventually handed me a mug and returned to her chair. We sat in silence. I inhaled the scent of the green tea. I'd never been a big fan of green tea, but I wasn't going to mention that to Elodie right now.

I'd drink all the green tea she wanted me to drink if it meant she wouldn't run in the other direction.

I finally set down my mug, and that made Elodie's head swivel toward me. "I'm sorry," I said bluntly. "I shouldn't have taken out my emotions on you last night. You shouldn't have been punished for something that wasn't your fault."

She didn't reply for a long moment. Tapping her fingers against her mug, she replied, "It's okay."

Now, I was frustrated. "It's not okay. You have a safe word, but would you have used it last night? I told myself you would, but now I'm not so sure. You can always tell me to stop—"

Elodie held up a hand. "Stop. Mac. You don't have to punish yourself." Her lips quirked into a wry smile. "I had a good time, although it was intense."

"Then why did you come down here alone?" My mind was whirling.

"Because I needed to think." She chewed on her bottom lip. "Although I consented to everything you did, I agree that it wasn't . . . fair."

My stomach dropped. "Fuck, Elodie—"

"No, let me speak. Fair isn't the right word. I mean, you're clearly going through something." Now her gaze was direct, and it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

She said, "What Caroline did to you wasn't right. I'm not going to act like it was. I don't care what you think. I know that's maybe hard to hear, but it's true. You're clearly going through something that isn't just grief." She reached out and took my hand. "Have you ever thought about talking to someone? Like a therapist?"

I didn't know what to say. I'd never even thought of going to a shrink. What would they do? Toss pills at me and call it a day?

"I think what happened last night was because you have trauma you need to work through," Elodie said.

I wanted to get defensive. I wanted to tell her she was wrong, that she didn't have a right to tell me how I should feel, that she didn't understand my relationship with Caroline. I wanted to say all those things, except something in her statement resonated. Something in her words spoke a truth that I'd been unwilling to hear for a very long time.

I swallowed, my throat dry. "I don't know."

"That's okay. I just want you to think about it, okay? That's all. Because if you're using sex and BDSM to work through your issues—well, I don't think it'll end well for anybody. And I know you don't want Caroline to keep coming between you and other people."

She didn't say the words I don't want Caroline to come between us , but I heard them all the same. I squeezed her hand back.

"I'll think about it," I said, my voice hoarse.

"Good." Elodie took her hand back, which made my idiotic heart twist.

Why did this woman have to affect me like she did? What had happened to keeping things businesslike? I'd never had this issue before. My previous lovers had come and gone, and I hadn't felt more than a pang. Besides Caroline, that is.

But Elodie was the complete opposite of Caroline. She was generous, kind, thoughtful. She also wasn't afraid to call me out on my bullshit. Even Caroline had never done that. Caroline had never wanted to have any hard conversations.

The only thing Caroline had wanted was to pursue her own pleasures, damn the consequences.

I had the sudden urge to show Elodie that I wanted to change. Or at least to make up for what I'd done to her last night. I finished the last of my tea and took her hand, leading her back upstairs.

I turned the water on for the bath, a huge Jacuzzi tub I'd used all of three times since I'd moved into this house.

When Elodie looked puzzled, I said, "I'm just giving you a bath. Unless you want it to turn into something else."

She shook her head in amusement but didn't protest. I wished I had shit like bubble bath, but my bathroom was sparse. I had toothpaste, an old bottle of body wash, and toilet paper. I'd only recently gotten a trash can after Elodie had teased me about it.

I had Elodie get into the tub before I got in. I winced inwardly when I saw the welts on her back. I loosely wrapped her in my arms and kissed those welts, willing them to disappear quickly.

"It's okay, you know," she said quietly. "I won't break. I'm pretty strong."

She didn't feel strong to me; she seemed small and fragile. I wanted to keep her protected. Safe.

Safe from me? I thought, angry with myself.

"No, really." She turned to look at me. "If I had wanted you to stop, I would've used the safe word. End of story. I'm more worried about you than I am about myself."

I sighed. "I don't deserve that."

"Now you're being stupid."

That made me chuckle. I then gave Elodie a gentle bath, and even as my cock rose in want for her, I didn't push for more. I'd meant it when I'd said Elodie would have to initiate if she wanted us to have sex again.

After the bath, I dried her off and rubbed lotion onto her back, telling myself that flogging myself internally wasn't going to help. If I wanted to show Elodie that I'd listened to her, I'd take her words to heart and really think about her suggestions. The thought of talking to some stranger about my history made me want to sprint to the hills. I hugged Elodie from behind, kissing the side of her neck.

"Do you have something in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" she joked as she wiggled her ass against my cock.

I growled. "Keep teasing me and you'll find out."

She turned and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Oh, I definitely want to find out."

I kissed her. She tasted as sweet as always. I loved the way she made little mewling sounds when I kissed her.

I ran my hands down her warm, naked body. I palmed her breasts, and I made sure to tweak her nipples how she liked.

She broke the kiss, gasping already. I kissed the side of her neck and then took her to bed.

I laid her down gently. I almost wished I'd covered the bed in rose petals. Since when had I turned into some mushy romantic?

It was Elodie. Elodie made me sentimental. She made me want to be a better man.

Her gaze was hazy, her body flushed as I climbed on top of her. Normally, I'd seduce her fast and furiously, but not tonight. Tonight, I wanted to show her my tender side.

We kissed for what felt like an eternity. I turned so we were on our sides, facing each other. That also gave me access to her pussy, which was already dripping by the time I stroked a finger through her folds.

Elodie's cheeks were red now. "Mac," she said, her eyelids heavy.

I gently rubbed her clit, which made her moan. "Yes?" I asked, smiling.

"Go faster."

I chuckled. "I don't want to tonight."

"But I need you to." She arched when I played with her entrance.

I kissed her harder at the same time as I pushed my index finger inside her tight pussy. She shivered; I massaged her ass with my left hand as my right played with her.

I knew exactly how to make her come. Even then, I wanted to draw things out. I wanted to watch the pleasure rise and crest on her expressive face.

She was biting her lip as I circled her clit with my thumb. She kept trying to press herself harder against me. I shook my head and held her still against my gentle hands.

"Patience," I said.

She just groaned and writhed.

I watched as the orgasm slowly built inside her. Her nipples peaked; her body flushed a deeper red; her juices flowed down my hand with every stroke I made. When I pushed a second finger inside her and rubbed her clit just how she liked it, her eyes flew open.

"Mac," she panted. "I'm coming—"

I kissed her the moment she came against my hand, her sheath tight as a vise now. She moaned as I slicked my tongue against her own.

I only let her rest for a moment before I took hold of my cock and pushed it inside her still-contracting pussy. Elodie let out a cry of delight.

I fucked her as I held her close. I raised her leg over my hip, giving myself leverage. I returned to kissing her as I thrust inside her.

I knew I wasn't going to last much longer. It didn't help that Elodie was wild in my arms, her second orgasm building quickly and with more intensity than the first.

I shoved hard inside her, going as deep as I could, and then I let out a long groan as I came hard. Elodie yelled my name, her fingernails digging into my shoulders as she shuddered.

I didn't want to part from her. I kept kissing her, half-hard cock still inside her, loving the way she wrapped around me.

When had I become completely obsessed with this woman? I had a feeling it was the moment we'd first met. She'd made a home for herself and the thought of letting her go was now unbearable.

"I think I'm falling for you," I said, stroking her cheek.

Her eyes widened. "But that's not part of the contract."

I couldn't tell if she was joking. I just shook my head, kissing her nose. "Does it matter?"

She didn't say anything, but she didn't pull away either. She just wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. I took that to mean she felt similarly.

Were we making a huge mistake? At that moment, everything felt right. But I also knew that I wasn't the type of man Elodie needed.

She craved stability. She craved a man who wanted to marry her and give her children. She deserved the white-picket fence.

Could I give her that?

I didn't know. But as I rolled on top of Elodie, still kissing her, I couldn't help but hope that I could be the man she needed.