Chapter 37

The second Summer leaves, I'm kicking myself for the way I acted. It isn't her fault that I'm sitting here in a knee brace, but I can't shake the thought that this is why I don't get close to people anymore, this is why people are kept at arm's length. When you let people in, you open yourself up to getting hurt—physically, mentally, emotionally. And my brain won't allow me to let go of the fact that instead of doing extra rehab, or maybe preparing my body better, I was spending time with her. All of that was my decision, I could have easily opted to spend my time elsewhere, and she would've understood without question, but I didn't. I let Kristen's old words linger in the back of my mind from the night she left. Telling me that I wasn't giving her enough, doing enough, before she ultimately told me she wasn't interested in anything I was trying to offer.

THREE YEARS AGO

"What the fuck, Chase? I asked you over and over what time you'd be back and you never responded to me."

"I was at practice, Kris. I didn't have my phone on me. I'm sorry. I texted you as soon as I got back to the locker room."

She whips a bag out from underneath the bed and grabs a handful of clothes from the floor. Whether they're clean or dirty I couldn't tell you. Our life has been in complete chaos since we brought CeCe home, but it's also been some of the best days of my life. The other day, she napped on my chest and held my finger the entire time. It was the sweetest fucking thing and I couldn't resist sending a picture to the guys.

"I can't do this myself. I don't want to do it by myself."

"You aren't by yourself. I was at practice. It's my job, Kris. I said I'm sorry that I didn't get back to you. You're acting like I was out at a goddamn bar or something and just ignoring you. That's not me and you know it."

I glance into the bassinet where CeCe is still fast asleep, thankfully. Two months old or twenty years old, I won't argue with her mother in front of her.

For the life of me, I can't piece together why something like this is all of a sudden making her so upset. She stopped working before CeCe was born and moved in here because I told her I would take care of both of them. I didn't want her to feel any more overwhelmed than I could already tell she was. I had thought maybe taking some pressures off of her with work would be helpful and she agreed at the time.

"I don't know how to do this," she whispers, and my heart aches for her. "I don't know if I even want to and it makes me feel terrible. But it's the truth."

"Hey, listen." I cup her face before pulling her close to my chest in a hug. She's frail and her skin feels ice cold. It's easy to see she's struggling now that I'm staring at her like this. Is this my fault? Should I have taken more time away from the team once CeCe was born?

"You're figuring it out. We both are. You're doing a great job, Kris, and I'm so sorry that this is hard. But you can do this. I'm here to help you."

She pulls away from me briefly before she glances at the clothes spilling from the bag she half packed.

"But I don't know if I want to. I'm only twenty-three, Chase. Being a parent wasn't exactly on my list of things I wanted to do before thirty."

Panic starts to flood my thoughts and my body tenses. She never told me she didn't want this.

She begins emptying the dresser where her things are, placing them into the bag and all I can do is stare at her. What in the hell is going on right now?

"What are you doing?" I finally ask after she zips the bag.

"You've made me feel like I have to do this myself. Whether or not that was your intention, I'm still here day in and day out doing this. And I don't even want to be. I'm not ready for this and I'm forcing myself to be. But I'm tired of it."

"How… how have I made you feel that way? Please. Explain it to me. Because if I'm not at practice, or playing a game, doing my job, I'm here."

"This," she shouts. "This is your job." As she points to the bassinet.

I don't know what I'm missing, but there's something she isn't saying. There has to be. Everything we're doing right now is exactly as we discussed before CeCe was even born.

"She never sleeps." Kristen laughs, but it's filled with sarcasm. "Until, of course, right at this moment when I'm trying to make a point."

"It's never been my intention to make you feel like you were in this alone. If anything I've said or done has made it seem that way, then fuck, I'm so sorry, Kris. Because this"—I wave my hand around the room and then take her fingers in mine—"you, CeCe, this imperfect little life we have here is what I want. It's my priority and the most important thing to me."

"That's the difference between us, though, Chase." She pulls her hand from mine and takes a step back. Her hair falling over her shoulders. "I don't want it."

"What do you mean? Where are you going?" I trail after her as she walks around the room like I'm a lost fucking dog waiting for her to throw me a bone.

"I'm going to stay with a friend for a while to give myself time to sort this out."

"What friend?"

"Don't try to make me think you're jealous. I've known since the beginning we were just fuck buddies who happened to get pregnant and you wanted to be the good guy and stick it out."

"Would you rather I have been a deadbeat and just fucking left you? I've wanted to be a dad my entire life. Yeah, the circumstances are different than I thought they would be, but who the hell cares?"

She lets out an exasperated sigh. "I'm leaving, Chase."

The finality of her words cut threw me like a knife. Kristen and I are two people who aren't in love and I know that. I've tried like hell to make her life as good as it could be ever since we found out she was pregnant. I was shocked when I found out, so much so that I all but accused her of sleeping around by asking if she was sure it was mine. But I never thought about leaving her to do it alone. I never thought about anything other than doing the best I could do raising a baby I wasn't expecting, but wanted with my whole heart.

"If you need some space for the night, then fine. I won't try to stop you."

"This isn't just for the night. I need my life back. You can think I'm selfish and a horrible person, God knows that's what your sister and her friends will think the moment you tell them. But I'm playing a part here that I don't want to play."

"Kris, if you don't want to be with me then I can accept that. We can work this parenting thing out and just be friends. But don't leave her. She needs a mother. If you're upset with me, take it out on me. Scream at me, key my truck, hit me for all I care. But don't take it out on her. Please, don't do that to her. Don't leave her."

"You know why you'll be better at this then I will ever be?" She comes closer to me, dropping her bag at her feet without even glancing back to CeCe.

My eyes are burning and my brain is short circuiting trying to process what's going on.

"You're selfless. You'll put her first because you want to. I thought I could force it, but I can't keep playing house when I'm not ready for it."

PRESENT

The door swings open and CeCe comes barreling into the living room, but stops when she reaches the couch, careful not to even touch me. She's carrying a bunch of papers she must've colored while she was with my sister. I swear, at the rate she colors, draws, and paints, I'm going to have an art gallery in my apartment soon.

"How are you doing?" my mom asks when she walks in behind her.

"Fine." I pull CeCe onto the couch next to me, giving her a kiss on the cheek before she wiggles away and heads down the hall to her bedroom.

"I see Summer stopped by," she says, gesturing to the bag she left.

"She did… for a bit."

"Oh, Chase… don't do that. Not with Summer," she says with a shake of her head.

"Do what?"

"Push her away when she's trying to help you. I know you." Her eyes narrow at me suspiciously.

"I wasn't trying to push her away. She's just a lot sometimes, Ma, and I'm still not in the mood to deal with people. It doesn't feel fair to have her here and take my frustration out on her."

"She is a lot." She nods in agreement, but it's one of those sentences where you know there's more coming. "She's full of a lot of life. A lot of heart. A lot of love. She's always been that way, honey. Don't expect Summer to change that about herself, even for you."

I let her words sit with me. Let them simmer on the surface before they really sink in. She doesn't say anything else before she begins to help CeCe put some toys away and get a few things ready for Christmas Eve dinner tomorrow night.

Summer is a lot.

But a realization begins to settle in as I replay my time with her recently. She's a hell of a lot to handle and for the longest time I looked at that as being a burden, a challenge I didn't want to take on. I called her "trouble" a lot when she was a kid. Hell, up until a year or so ago, I think I even still threw that out every now and then.

I used to think of Summer and associate words like immature, irrational, downright annoying sometimes. But after spending so much time with her as an adult, especially lately in such close quarters, I can think of about a million different adjectives to describe Summer that are so much better than those. It makes me feel like a real asshole for having that opinion of her when I didn't even know her. Not really at least.

She's selfless. Honest. Full of life. Joyful. Free spirited and open minded. And God, she's sexy, even when she doesn't feel like she is. She has her insecurities, and even those I find irresistible as all get out.

She didn't deserve my shit mood today. And I shouldn't have been so fucking short with her since my injury. Letting Summer into my life has only made it better and I've got to get my fucking head out of my ass if I plan on keeping her in it. I know my window to do something about it is closing quickly. If there's anything I know for sure about Summer, it's how much pride she takes in being able to stand up for herself. Which is exactly what she did today. She's strong, resilient, and compassionate. She's exactly the kind of woman I'd want around for my daughter to look up to. She is the woman.

"You're on my shit list." Ford points his finger at me when he walks in.

I've barely left my couch in days, and I'm starting to think there will forever be an imprint of my ass on the cushion now.

"Don't have to tell me. I know."

Abby joins me on the couch, decked out in head to toe Christmas colors and leans her head on my shoulder.

"You hit her with a little mood swing, didn't you?" she says quietly as she sits next to me.

"I feel bad about it. You don't have to rub it in."

I feel Abby's head move against my shoulder. "I know you do. And I don't mean to. She said she was just going to give you some space. But it didn't sound like she was mad or anything."

"She left this morning, right?"

Abby nods, and Ford walks over with a plate of food and stands in front of me, looking at my knee.

"Not to sound like a dick, but it's a grade one sprain buddy. Rehab it properly and you'll bounce back fine."

"I plan on it."

Christmas Eve dinner goes by quickly and CeCe makes out like a bandit from my mom and her aunt and uncle. Holiday food always hits the spot and I never eat dessert like I do on Christmas. The cookies my mom makes were always my favorite growing up, that part hasn't changed in thirty-two years.

"Hey, Ab," I call out to my sister as she's packing up leftover snickerdoodle cookies for Ford. "Do you happen to have a key to Summer's apartment?"

My sister smiles at me from the kitchen as CeCe lays under my arm, watching Frosty the Snowman .

"Yeah, I'll leave it for you."