Chapter 34

34

DES

L ate Sunday afternoon, Alex kisses my cheek and heads off to visit his family, and I sit and chew my fingers. My plan for the evening was to tidy the apartment and lose myself in a thriller, the theory being that it would stop me from biting my nails or staring moodily out the window. I told Alex to text me or contact me if he had any problems and I would come and meet him wherever. Camping out in a café somewhere in his parents' neighborhood so he had a place to bolt to seemed like a smart option to me, but he said that was a step too far. The dark TV screen looms over me from the wall so I grab the remote and I'm halfway through the thriller when my phone vibrates on the coffee table.

"Hey, Des," Alex says when I answer.

"Hey! How's it going?" I curl a strand of hair on the top of my head around my index finger.

"I'm going to stay here tonight."

Frowning at the wall of my apartment, I examine the picture of Mitzi that my lovely friend Alice drew for me. Sleep at his parents' house?

"You're staying ? Do you want me to come and get you or …"

"No. It's fine. I need longer here. I want to talk to my parents some more."

Well, that's positive, right? "So, it's gone well?"

There's a long pause. "I think I owe my sisters and Mom some consideration here."

What does that mean? "In what way?"

"Mom's been in floods of tears all day. It's been tough on her dealing with Dad's explosions. I want to at least try for them."

My stomach drops. "Try what?"

Another extended silence.

"Do my best to help. Understand what's going on. Try and mitigate the effect on them and the rest of the family. Give them some protection."

An unsettling hollowness creeps through my gut.

"I don't think I'd thought about how much it affects everyone if I carry on with this," Alex adds.

If he carries on? There's some doubt? "Such as?"

"All my family relationships. I won't be able to attend Hannukah, family bar mitzvahs, my sisters' weddings, births. It's a lot."

Where is all this coming from? "Who told you that?"

"The rabbi."

"You've been to the synagogue?"

Alex blows out a long breath. "No, the rabbi was here, at the house. It's been an intense day. Everyone was here when I arrived: all my aunts and uncles. It was weird, like they were welcoming me back into the fold. I wasn't expecting it to be honest. So I panicked."

He panicked? "What did you agree to?"

"Nothing. Well … just to stay here for a while."

He's moving back home ? I've put my trust in someone who can't stand up for something he believes in, something I thought he wanted. I shake my head.

"What conversation are we having now, Alex? Are you saying that it's over?"

"Of course not!"

"But you're aware that their problem is that you're gay and in a relationship with another man."

"Perhaps there's another way to get them to come around."

"You remember that your dad hit you, right? Have they said anything at all about you being gay? Have you?"

There's silence when I say this.

"Alex?"

"The rabbi said it wasn't God's will."

"And what did you say to that?"

"Ugh. Don't, Des, okay? Maybe I have to make some sacrifices temporarily to help them understand. Go along with some stuff, you know?"

No, I don't know. "You agreed with them?"

" Everybody was here. It was incredibly difficult to stick my neck out and cause a big argument with Mom and Dad in front of the whole family."

They've sandbagged him. "That's probably why they set it up like that. So, your dad's bulldozed you back into pretending you're not gay again?"

"It's a short-term thing to try to help my sisters. Everyone is so relieved and happy, so I'm going along with it for now. I'll have another conversation with them tomorrow. It might take some time."

How much time? And what about me? I feel disrespected. Turned over and tossed in the corner. A convenient bolt-hole when things got too hot for him. Where is the guy I was so proud of standing up to his dad three weeks ago? Dammit, I should have gone there with him. I let him go into that vipers' nest alone. But I can't fight all his battles for him. And how stupid am I? Where is the future in this? He's never going to choose me over his family, his whole life .

"They're never going to come around, Alex. You're deluding yourself. They've just bullied you back into pretending, basically."

"I'll talk to them tomorrow morning, Des, I promise. I'll call you."

Gut churning, I hang up on him.