Chapter 15

15

ALEX

D es's phone rings and rings as I walk down the street away from the office. Then a female voice says in my ear, "Hey, you got Marla, Des's sister."

"Oh hey, Marla. It's Alex here. I'm a …" God, what am I to Des? "… friend of Des's. He mentioned you were staying with him."

"He did? Sometimes I think he has no idea I'm here. I hardly ever see him," she says.

I chuckle. "I get the impression he's buried in work."

She huffs on the other end of the phone. "Well, I've heard all about you."

She has? But before I can say anything, she says, "Anyway, he's just getting ready."

Getting ready? Getting ready for what? There's a long pause. "Oh yeah, great." It's all I can manage through the ice coating my lungs. But why am I surprised exactly? Last night he suggested me doing things to him and I said maybe, like I'm playing hard to get. Ugh . He probably goes out all the time. Just because we're doing platonic evenings with Killing Eve doesn't mean he's not seeing other people. Probably hooking up, too. And the ice in my lungs transforms into a frozen glacier that takes over my whole chest.

"Why did you sound so surprised?" There's another long silence. "He's not meeting you tonight, is he? Crap. He must be meeting George."

George? Who the hell is George?

"Oh, yeah. He mentioned something about that." God, am I pulling this off? And ... didn't the bouncer mention that name when we went to Crush?

"I know you guys all have threesomes with each other …" she says.

Threesomes? Des had threesomes ? But she knows this because … because she's living there, meeting the guys that come round? And my frozen chest transforms into a bottomless pit in my stomach. Holy shit . He not only has experience, but he also has experience . And Des's comment about a threesome with Dimitri floats into my head. He even told you, Alex; you just assumed it was a long time ago .

"… So I'm sure he won't mind me saying that, even though I've never met you, George isn't his favorite."

His favorite? Favorite what? How many people is he seeing? Is George the guy in the bathroom door or … Goddammit, I'm an idiot. He told me he didn't do exclusive when I first met him. He's taking it slow with me, but he doesn't mind because he's got other guys looking after him in ways that I don't even begin to understand.

"Thanks, Marla. It's been really good to talk to you, but I've got to dash."

"Do you want me to tell him you rang?"

"No need. I'll catch him at lunch tomorrow."

"You won't tell him I said anything about his boyfriends, will you?" Her voice wobbles.

I grimace into my phone. "Don't worry, I won't."

When I hang up, I take a deep breath and head up off the street toward Fulton Street to catch the subway uptown to Nana's place, but my hand is shaking around my phone, and when I spot a coffee place over the street, I head inside, order a flat white and sink gratefully down into a seat by the window as I watch people streaming up the street outside the window.

Whatever I'm doing with Des is not a long-term thing, is it? That's not what Des does. And how would someone like me even be on his list? I have no experience. Nothing to offer here. I work in a cube analyzing companies, I live with my parents, and I can't even call him when I'm at home.

Here I am thinking I'm being all brave and experimental, but it would all be laughable to Des, who has threesomes . Crush felt like a foreign land. How all those guys were together. I'm on the back foot with him all the time.

I pick up my phone from the table. And to my surprise, there's a message on Grindr. My heart lifts. Des? But when I open it, a picture of a cute Hispanic guy fills the screen.

Hola! Would love to meet you for a drink tonight if you're free!

My hand shakes. A drink. What would it be like to just meet another guy casually? Like I did that first night with Des, respond to a message, chat, go home? I've got a free night in town now, and I'm staying with Nana. I chew my lip as I stare out of the window.

Two guys in suits are walking past, chatting, obviously just leaving work. Suddenly, one of them throws back his head laughing, and the second one wraps his arm around his neck and kisses him on the cheek. Goddammit, why is that not me? I need experience . Before I can overthink it, I press the speech bubble to message Mr. Hola back.