chapter 39

C rying and sleeping never changed anything; it only helped time move faster towards the end.

If Erique was coming for me, he would have been here by now. Three weeks had passed since buildings turned into trees and open fields, since my world came shattering down again just after it was repaired. Since Erique disappeared, Philippe brought me to his palace.

So much of the time was spent going over every detail, trying to find where I missed Erique's metaphoric mask-slipping. There was nothing to find though. Erique was the most open person I knew, a little too open sometimes.

I knew I should have listened to myself. The logical, lack of empathy part that kept me trying to fight him when we met. Yet somehow, we grew into love and I allowed myself to care again, just to be ripped to unrecognizable shreds that happened every time I opened myself to it.

Even then, there was a part of me that still couldn't believe he did it.

Erique only wanted one thing he didn't think he could have, care and affection from a woman that loved him. Why would he mess that up?

I know in my heart that Erique cared for me. But it wasn't love as I loved. He never loved me. Not really. It was the Phantom obsession. He stalked me, killed anyone that tried to get in the way. Clear obsession tactics.

But then why not kill Philippe too? If he didn't love me, killing Philippe would have been easy.

Sunlight glinted from the dark and light gemstones of my ring as I stared into the torn memories. Dark and light. Just like we were.

I guess he wasn't the only delusional one.

"Did you hear me?" Philippe asked.

Blinking rapidly as I fidgeted with my ring, I glanced at the man trying so hard to earn my trust or… whatever.

Lately, I had pulled myself from delusion, acting for Philippe's sake. He'd been trying to be a friend at least. Patient and kind, something I didn't think he was capable of. Even tasking me with organizing his charity campaign. Something that's kept me busy enough while loitering around the place, wallowing in self pity.

I was still an empty husk of a person though. Donning a false smile when needed, hoping no one noticed the light inside had died. Like now.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

His affections were deeper than mine, apparent by every kind gesture and grand gift, like the newest Arabian in the stables. Any girl would be so lucky. But not me, I'm a glutton for punishment and I missed my killer and our books.

"Of course. I was elsewhere for a moment. I'm sorry," I said and dropped my hands. "Continue. Please." We'd been walking around the pond not far from the house. Spring was beautiful. Barely a chill in the air anymore.

"I was only saying that you should be thrilled. My brother and his fiancée, your friend, Christine, should be arriving this evening, not long after we return actually."

The blood left my face and I froze. "What? I didn't know they were coming."

Amongst all that had transpired, Christine had learned everything. How can I look her in the eyes now that she knew the man I loved was her "angel", and how I said nothing.

"It will be alright." His voice wasn't like Erique's, not soothing in a hypnotic way, but it had a calmness to it. Something I hadn't really noticed before until recently. I still didn't like it much. It was getting better though.

I should be happy about the news, but I just wanted to take my horse and run. I'd done enough of not listening to myself, maybe this would be a good time to start.

"Yes, I'm sure you're right. That's great news," I lied through a smile, and fidgeted with my ring again, absentmindedly.

He sighed and took my hand, gently caressing it as he examined the symbol of my former love. "Perhaps it would be better if you finally took this off? Free yourself."

"No," I said without thinking and snatched my hand away even though I was done with the masked monster. Even if I missed him.

This ache. This betrayal hurt so much. I hated him. Yet, I held onto this thing as if it were the holy grail. As if it would keep me safe and grant me eternal healing.

Philippe took my hand again and placed a kiss on it. "It was not my place to suggest such a thing and I ask forgiveness."

My skin didn't know how to react. Shivering in disgust while at the same time warming under the touch.

"It's not you. I… I know I should have taken it off by now, but it's still hard to believe, you know?" I said, somewhat less pathetic than I thought it would sound. "Who wants to believe the person they love is capable of such a horrific act?"

"You knew he'd killed before," he said.

"Not like this. Ardashir wasn't self-defense." Embarrassment slithered up my spine. I didn't feel shame before and lately I was riddled with it.

"You still defend him after all this time?" he asked, calmly. My eyes fell away. I guess I was. But it'd only been a few weeks, of course my feelings were everywhere. "Finding him would be easier if you gave up the whereabouts of his crypt. The house you shared. He needs to pay for what he's done so you can move on."

I had stopped asking about updates from the opera when it was always the same. They never found him or heard anything more. They just wanted to know where his house was. Something else I wasn't ready to give up yet.

"He's not there. You would know," I said.

He ran a gentle hand along my jaw. "Demons are gifted in deceit," Philippe said. "But in the end, they do what demons do. My heart is sorry for yours. I will not ask again."

If it were deceit, then why don't I feel deceived?

"…And if you have room, even the smallest amount, I would like to lend you mine," he said. "Permanently if you would allow it."

I dug my nails into my palms and my pulse jumped through my flesh. It was too soon to hear anything like this. It wouldn't be fair to Philippe either if I jumped in with him, just because it was the safest thing to do. What was he thinking?

"I told you once before," he said. "You hold the key to my future. I need you with me."

My chest tightened as he stepped closer. He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. His hands were warm, but even though his kiss was soft, it was empty. Like actors when they didn't find the other attractive. I've done it. That's what this felt like.

To be honest, I wasn't sure if it was him or me. Tears choked me as I held them back and prayed that I would vanish into thin air at this moment. Escape from this hollow kiss.

Flashes of heterochromia irises plagued the darkness of my closed eyes.

How I hated them.

I withdrew from the man that just poured his heart out to me. "I'm sorry," I said, and left him standing in the wake of my destruction by the bank of the pond.

Straight to the house and into my room I went, closing the door behind me. My racing heart calmed slightly at the distance, and the only thing left was the unrelenting ache in my chest.

My eyes fell to the ring on my finger. Warm to the touch, I hesitated to yank it off. The movements were there. But the strength to do it wasn't.

I sighed and dropped my hands in defeat before sliding to the floor. I was still chained by the monster that loved me.

"I'm the biggest idiot," I said to only myself.

***

Everyone had already gathered in the gallery when I finally found the will to descend the stairs.

The fear of facing Christine was worse than my feelings on Erique. My stomach stilled and clenched tight when I saw her face as I entered the room. Every part of me trembled as I plastered a performer's smile on my face. Whatever reaction she was going to have would have been completely justified. I was the worst person. To be honest, probably worse than Erique, because I knew, and didn't do anything about it.

"Ah, Melody. It is good to see you," Raoul greeted, with a sweet smile. "I see my brother has taken good care of you." Though he seemed much the same, something was a little off in his tone. There was a possibility he was upset about everything as well. I wouldn't blame him.

"I heard the news. Congratulations," I said. "I wish you both every happiness the world has to offer."

The words hurt to say. I meant them, but it still tore at my chest.

"We're looking forward to the future," Christine said.

Maybe because my body was riddled with guilt and shame, I couldn't read her, but the joy shined in her eyes with her answer. What a relief. She hadn't been completely destroyed by what had happened. At least one of us would get a happy ending. Or beginning, or however you wanted to look at it.

"Shall we? The chef has prepared a wonderful meal for us this evening. We have much to discuss," Philippe said.

At least an hour passed while I faked my way through idle chit chat. It was a good thing Philippe liked to talk. I poked at my food, not really paying attention to the conversation at hand. I was sure it was delicious, but I still didn't feel much like eating these days. The anxiety was a constant circus in my guts. And with Christine here, it was in the finale.

Every now and then, I'd catch Philippe's eye and immediately look away. I didn't want to see an apology in his face for kissing me or the disappointment for running away.

Something I wanted to forget.

I felt like I did something wrong. Like I was cheating. But he's not here anymore.

Why did my body feel this way? Why won't it stop?

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I gave into Philippe. Beats being on the streets. Having nowhere to go. Maybe it was the only smart decision I'd make this year.

Even if it wasn't what I wanted.

I fiddled with my ring, twisting and tugging on it just beneath the table out of sight, sliding it up and down my finger. This may go over better with Christine if I wasn't wearing the reminder of recent events.

One of the tugs went a bit far, and it came completely off. I froze thinking about it and what to do next.

"What of your campaign?" Raoul asked. For some reason the chatter pulled me from my little world, back to the table.

"Going rather well, though it is only the beginning. I think the charity event will help some," he said and took my hand, squeezing it. A sincere look of gratitude graced his face. Settling a little too kindly within my mind, thanks to my current thoughts. "And with Ms. Reilly heading the arrangements, I know it will be the most successful event."

His dark eyes glanced down at my ringless finger as he rubbed the indent from my skin. The slightest grin and hint of surprise in his eyes grew as they found mine.

"Wonderful," Raoul replied.

"Yes," he said, gazing curiously at me. "Wonderful."

I hadn't intended on him seeing me without the ring. But the sight seemed to have made his night. I clamped my ring in my other hand and slid it into my pocket. I didn't think I could let it go just yet.

He wouldn't let my hand go for another half hour or so. And I just let him do it. What did it matter anymore?

"With that said, brother, shall we retire to the cigar room for a drink? Leave the ladies to catch up?" Philippe asked.

My eyes widened and cut to his. I hoped he saw the dread in them begging him not to go.

What a turn of events, right?

Philippe leaned over, pushing his lips against my ear. "You must face it one way or another. You will be fine." He kissed my hand and pulled away.

"Come," he said to Raoul, and the two men were out the door before I knew it.

Just me and Christine now. Here it was. The awkward silence. Who would talk first?

What would I even say? "Hey, sorry my boyfriend and I were lying to you and he planned on kidnapping you before we met."

I doubt that would go over well.

"When do you plan to marry?" I finally asked.

"In the fall. Seventh September."

"Not too hot, not too cold."

I kept flashing my gaze to the door either hoping Philippe would come back or possibly plotting my escape.

I'd even take Erique breaking in right now.

Christine fiddled with her hands before looking at me again. "I was so angry when I found out," she said. "When my angel was just a man. Not even a man, but a monster of a man. And you loved him anyway."

This was her moment. I had no right to rebuttal. To deflect. To defend. There wasn't an excuse.

"I wanted to hate you," she continued.

"We were going to tell you. Erique was going to..."

"The night at the Masq . I thought I was crazy when I recognized the voice I'd heard nearly every day for months, but ignored it because it was in fact, insane. There was no way my angel was this man . And you wouldn't keep a secret like that from me."

With every word my body was a hundred pounds heavier. My eyes fell away, the shame was back. "Why didn't you say anything?" I asked.

"I saw how much he loved you," she said. "And how happy you were."

My jaw quivered at the memory. At her friendship. I took a deep breath to dam up the wall to keep back the tears.

"I don't hate you. I'm not even angry with you anymore. I am sorry for you, though," Christine said. "I wasn't the only one fooled."

Her forgiveness, though I was thankful, did little to relieve the weight of everything else.

"You were right. I guess it was silly to think an angel was teaching me. You told me, and I didn't want to listen," she added. "If it means anything, I really do think he loved you. But I think that some people can't change who they are."

"There was never a time you feared him?" I asked.

Christine thought for a moment then spoke, "I always felt safe. Yes, he was a little scary sometimes. Very demanding of my voice and attention during our lessons. I didn't like that he wouldn't allow me out, but it only made me a stronger performer. I miss him sometimes."

Me too.

I felt her eyes on me as I fiddled with the skin my ring used to sit, contemplating returning the metal to it.

Christine stood up from her chair on the other side of the table and took a seat in Philippe's spot next to me. I wondered if she was going to hit me or not. Throw a plate at me. But she didn't. "I know I don't know much about the world or love," she said, moving closer. "But I think that you might consider that there's still hope for you to find happiness."

Her implication turned my stomach again. No, she didn't know. And couldn't.

"I know that he has a hard time showing it, not like Erique did. But I could see tonight that he's very happy to have you here. I haven't seen him smile like that ever actually."

"I can't love him," I said meekly. Like it was a secret I couldn't let him know.

"Maybe in time you will?"

Time scared me. Would there ever be a time that I didn't love Erique?

"Maybe," I replied.

***

Christine's hope ricocheted around my mind as I sat in the crook of the large window of my room. Stars twinkled brightly above in the night sky. I pondered my situation. Options. Everything.

Raoul and Christine had gone to bed for the night. It was nice talking to her, but our conversation really fucked me up.

Fuck, I wish I had someone here to help me through this. Sarah. I wonder what she's doing right now? Probably watching Star Wars with her husband and kids. Eating popcorn and cookies. Even mom would be a good option. I'd just do the opposite of what she told me.

Mama was probably asleep though. Hopefully not permanently. Or if she was, at least she would finally be at peace.

I hated not knowing. I hated that I hadn't really thought of them. Going home wasn't an option anymore though.

Maybe Christine's right. I could do worse than Philippe. There's a possibility that if I gave him a chance, that I could love him, or at least like him enough. He had been nicer since I'd been here.

It was either leave and find some sort of life somewhere, working myself to death just to get by. Or choosing this man who's very well off, kind of hot, and doesn't care who I am, or was, because he doesn't ask.

How can love stem from that?

My hand trembled as I raised it. The ring returned to my finger and twinkled like the stars above.

I forced the thing from my flesh on purpose this time. I wanted it to hurt, to remind me what it symbolized, so I could keep going.

The love was gone from it.

I jumped up from the bench and marched to the dresser before I lost all courage. I yanked the drawer open. With quivering lips, I kissed it goodbye, and shoved Erique into the void. Slammed it closed and exhaled a silent cry.

Deep, heavy breaths of relief expanded my chest.

The weight on my hand was lighter and for the moment, I thought I felt free.

Guards no longer stood at my door when I opened it. No one was there to stop me from leaving my room for my protection.

Only the voice that echoed in my mind as I walked the hallway.

‘You are eternally mine as I am yours,' it said in his voice. ‘Do not do this. You are my Melody.'

"Go away," I whispered. "Go."

My stomach flipped and tumbled as I grew closer to my destination.

A shaking hand raised to the green wooden door. I closed my eyes and took a breath to calm myself again as I hovered the entrance to the end.

I guess there was a timeline in which I would choose Philippe. I wasn't happy about it though.

Knock.