chapter 19

W ell. It'd been the quietest thirty-six hours, and time wasn't done.

"What do you think of this one?" Christine asked, holding up a pink dress trimmed in burgundy frills.

After being "asked" to work the opera tomorrow night, Christine agreed to go with me to make sure I found something appropriate. Something to appease the managers with the money they'd given me.

"Oh, uh. Very pretty," I said, trying to hide the disgust on my face. "But I don't think it's quite me." Not that anything here was.

She sighed and put it back on the rack, continuing to thumb through the other garments.

I found it hard to be present while we shopped. It'd been years since my mind had been this fucked up. About another human that was.

When I left him in the dressing room, I just left. I couldn't stay in my room at the opera for now. Not because there was a chance he'd somehow come in and kidnap or murder me. But because of the small bookshelf of gifts my Shadowman had given me over the past few months. It was painful to look at.

Antoinette greeted me with open arms when I had arrived. I spent the night crying in my temporary room at H?tel des Anges.

It'd been so long since I cried that hard. I think she suspected a man was involved but just this once, I was glad for the language barrier, so she didn't pry.

Sleep eluded me even though I was exhausted. It replayed the whole night relentlessly. Trying to make sense of why I did what I did to Erique. To myself.

I needed my focus back. That's all it was. If I cared for someone, truly cared like I do for him, then it'd make it harder to go home.

Worse, I've been so worried about what the consequences of it would be.

"You've been really off since we arrived. What's the matter?" Christine asked.

"I'm fine. I've just been really missing home. I'm sorry," I lied. Sort of.

"I can understand that. Really," Christine said. "I'm here if you'd like to talk about it."

Her kind face was inviting. However, it just seemed different to talk about with her.

I shook my head. "I don't really want to right now, if that's alright."

"It's perfectly fine," Christine said, squeezing my arm. "What was wrong with the pink one? I think it would flatter you rather well."

Many beautiful dresses and not so beautiful dresses hung on the rack I fingered through. I was never one for dresses, but I did say this was the year I was gonna try new things. I just didn't think it'd be the year 1880.

"The neckline was a bit too high for me. I don't like anything near my neck. And the arms are too short." Because they'd show the tattoos on them. "And pink is nice, but I think that I would like something darker. Maybe red? Or maroon?"

"Oh! Alright," Christine said. "What about this?" Christine pulled a gorgeous dark red garment with matching trim and flared ruffles at the cuff of the arms. "You should try it on!"

It fit my requirements. Low neckline, longer sleeves. A whole lot of layering that added to the dress. Very beautiful.

"How do you tell the sizing on these?" I asked, taking it from her.

"Oh, this should be alright. But you won't know until you try it on."

It was obvious that Christine was more excited about the dress, or shopping in general, than I was.

"Okay," I said reluctantly.

I still hated shopping. If I was honest, it was the shopping that made the outing unenjoyable. The sizes in this time still catered to the petite.

"Are you nervous?" I asked, trying to find anything to talk about other than home or thinking about a certain wall dweller.

Christine's eyes turned gleeful. "Yes! I feel like I'm going to explode. This is something I've only ever dreamt of and now it's finally here."

I hung the dress inside the fitting room. I struggled to get the last of the buttons undone on my dress, Christine and her little hands helped the rest of the way.

"You're going to be amazing. I just have a feeling," I said.

"My angel said it's going to be a life changing night for me."

It wasn't just Erique I felt bad for. I'd also still been lying to Christine. Not intentionally. But knowing that Erique was her "angel" and teacher and not telling her was a lie too. I was no better than him.

Just a bunch of deceivers running around.

I also found myself not liking it when she called him that either. It was hard to listen to her talk about him sometimes. Especially today…

Oh my God, emotions go away.

"Has there been any accidents the past day or so?" I asked, nervous about the answer.

"No. I don't think so."

Maybe he was waiting until tomorrow's opening show to do something drastic. I hoped she couldn't see the color drain from my already pale face at the thought.

"Christine…" I started, thinking I was going to finally tell her about him. "About your angel…"

"Yes?"

Selfishness overturned the truth. "He… um… Has your… angel, ever called you Angel? Made any attempts to take you anywhere? Or anything…" I asked. The twisting in my stomach threatened to push the little bit of food Antoinette had forced me to eat, up and out.

She laughed. "Like to heaven?

"Like anywhere."

"No!" she laughed. "And he either calls my name or says "child". Sometimes "my dear". I call him Angel though, because he is."

"He's never hinted you may go somewhere together?"

"One day. When I'm done here and ready to go."

The nausea subsided almost immediately, but the guilt worsened.

"Right," I replied. It hurt my heart to think that Erique would harm her or force her into something. That the Phantom could be as devilish as the stories made him to be. Especially after I'd hurt him. Which I know I had. I cleared my throat. "How about mon c?ur ?"

She laughed even louder. "Why would an angel say that?" Because that's what Erique calls me and I'm afraid to know what it means. "It's reserved for someone you lo-"

"No reason. Ha," I said, cutting her off. "Anyway. As far as the night changing your life, I don't doubt that it's going to catapult you somewhere you wanna be."

Christine smiled wide, undoing the last button. "There!"

"I hate that these things have so many buttons."

"Laces are just as awful," she said.

"Let's just be naked."

Her face reddened as she giggled at my suggestion.

Mom would have loved to be in a store like this. She loved pretty things. Also, she would have gotten a kick out of watching me suffer through it. They'd always wanted me to be more "girly".

BARF.

I slid the dress off and laid it across a nearby chair. The weird underwear was less weird now. I still wore my black shorts underneath for comfort though. Shockingly, they hadn't fallen apart yet.

"Raoul will be there," Christine said like she was fishing for approval.

"Have you been seeing him much? I know we really haven't really talked about it."

"No. I've told him that he needs to stay away. But it hasn't really worked…" she hesitated.

"Is he who you remember?"

"Yes. He may even be…" she said. "What is that?"

I'd completely spaced when taking off my dress. Christine's mouth was agape staring at the ink on my body.

"Oh. Um. These are tattoos," I answered.

"The permanent ink that sailors get?"

"Yeah. I guess."

"I see why you wear long sleeves. How do you have them?" she asked, grabbing my forearm and running a finger over it.

"Well, where I'm from a lot of people have them actually."

She stared fascinated at the artwork on my arm and leg. A smile tugged on my mouth at her curiosity.

Erique was just as curious. It was hilarious when he thought I was in the circus at one point, having come to the conclusion that I was not a sailor. Though my mouth suggested otherwise.

The smile turned painful at the unwanted memory.

"Did it hurt?" she asked.

Less than the pain I felt now. "It wasn't pleasant, but fine to sit through."

"You're a very different lady, Melody. I am very excited to know you."

"Well, thank you. Could you do me a favor though?" I asked, picking up the red dress.

"Yes, anything."

"Don't tell anyone about them if you can. People aren't really as accepting with this stuff."

She motioned to her lips and closed them, twisting her hand over it as if to lock it shut.

I stepped into the dress and shimmied it up over my hips.

"Since you shared a secret with me, can I tell you something?" she asked.

"Yes, anything."

"We've been writing. Me and Raoul. He wants to take me to a celebration after the show tomorrow."

"You should go!"

Her bubbly face fell. "I can't. My teacher…"

"I told you before. Your teacher will be fine. Or he won't. Now help button me up," I said, getting my arms into the sleeves, which were a little snug.

"What do you mean?" Christine asked, working her way up the row of buttons.

"I just mean that life is more than just following one pathway. Remember what I told you forever ago. You can have love and a career. Many journeys can lead us to the same ending. I mean, I haven't had it. But you can."

"I don't think I'm as brave as you are," she said.

"I'm not brave. Believe me," I sighed. I caught a glimpse of my grim reflection, made worse by the stupid wig that reminded me of how brave I was. So brave . "I'm just tired of all the fucking bullshit. People hiding instead of just being who the fuck they are. Or that bullshit of having to always choose between this or that. Why can't you have both things sometimes?"

Christine's face widened in shock.

"I'm sorry. I'm ranting," I huffed.

"No. I've never heard a woman say such things. I like it," she said. "Well, actually my grandmother likes to curse too."

I chuckled.

"Finished," she said and stepped back.

The dress was a nice fit. I just wish I could focus more on it to see whether it was actually a nice fit.

"Well, in any case, I think you should go with Raoul tomorrow night. Have some fun. Dance with him. Forget life for a while," I said. "Because sometimes you don't get any more than that."

I wanted Erique to kiss me so much in that stupid closet. Why didn't I just do it?

"Would you come with? I know that Philippe will be in attendance as well."

That was a name I hadn't thought about in a long while. Nor someone I wanted to see again.

"Oh. No," I replied. "I don't think so. Thanks though."

"Why not? It would be fun. You should have fun too! And Philippe is available." She wiggled her brows and gave a suggestive stare.

The move made me miss Sarah. That was her signature move. Tears almost welled up at the thought. New York was so long ago now.

The emotions were too much today.

"Didn't you have dinner with him?" she added.

"Yeah. But we weren't a match. Zero mental stimulation." Not like with Erique. "Politicians aren't my favorite either. And he's very uptight."

"Perhaps in time you could build something?" she said.

"I'm going to pass. Philippe is not for me." I smoothed out the skirt of the dress again. "I do think I love this dress though."

"It is so lovely. You could find a husband with that!"

I glared at the poor girl just trying to be a sweet helpful friend. "I would rather drink turpentine."

"Then go with Philippe as friends! For me? Or do you have someone already that could go? Your friend Erique maybe?"

Just then, an obscure image formed in my mind of what Erique could possibly look like next to me at a gathering. If I went to a party, I'd want to go with him. He would be delightfully judgey with me and close, so close.

I tried to hide the hurt forming in my eyes. But it was too late.

"You can tell me what's wrong, Melody," Christine said, tugging me to look her in the eye. "It's him? Why you're sad?"

"I think I messed up," I sighed and slumped into the stool next to the mirrors. The long hair of my invisibility cloak hung over my shoulders. I twisted the long strands in my fingers. "Not intentionally. Or maybe intentionally. I don't know. I do things like this. Seems like me to fuck up something… good."

"So, this is about your Erique?"

"Not my Erique. Just, Erique. My friend." It hurt to say that after what I'd done. There was no way he'd ever forgive me. I wouldn't.

"What happened?" she asked.

"It's complicated. But I think I might have royally fucked up and pushed away the only friend I really had here." I grabbed my face and groaned. "Other friend."

"I know what you meant. It's alright," she smiled reassuringly.

"I was angry about something he kept from me, but it wasn't even that. I just used it as an excuse because I can't tell him the real reason I needed him away from me. It's stupid really. Being with him was starting to make me feel stuff. I said some really hurtful things, and I haven't heard from him since. Part of me is afraid he's gonna do something stupid because of it."

Like set the place on fire. Kidnap you. Kill people. I don't know.

"That doesn't seem like a problem. Many people have arguments. You miss him, right?"

Tears had soaked my face and snot formed. Christine rushed to her small bag and retrieved something. "Here," she said, handing me a handkerchief.

"Erique isn't like many people," I replied, wiping my face dry. "He takes things to heart much deeper than I think I've known. It's for the best. I know it. But I fucking hate it."

"But you like him. He's your friend."

There's not a word in the dictionary that could describe what I felt for him.

"I really enjoy our time together. But one day, I won't be here, I have to go home, and it will have been pointless. And it would hurt him worse. And me, if we continued whatever it was we were doing."

"Just talk to him. If he cares about you, he'll understand."

"I don't know that he'll forgive me. Or if I should just leave him be as I asked him to do for me."

"I think you should talk to him. If I should go to the celebration with Raoul, you should write to Erique."

I chuckled. If only she knew he was a wall away. "I'll think about it," I said. If he doesn't ruin the show or kidnap Christine. I'll find him and apologize.

A quick and disturbing thought pressed me. What if he did try to grab her?

My stomach clenched tighter and icy fear twisted around my heart.

He wouldn't really do that, would he? Not the man I'd come to know… I shook it from my mind for now. I couldn't believe that he would do that.

I hoped.

"Now then. Maybe I can focus," I said, completely lying. I stood up from the stool and returned to the center of the fitting room. "Oh my God. It really is beautiful. Hopefully beautiful enough to help earn me some forgiveness."

"You look like royalty!" she said, clapping her hands with excitement.

"Don't say that. I'd like to keep my head, thank you."

We shared a much needed laugh. It wasn't everyday that you were in an era not too long after they were beheading nobility.

"You should write to him and tell him that you were just upset and miss him. And then ask him to go to the celebration with us," Christine said, as I slipped off my new dress.

I knew she was right. I needed to apologize to Erique. Make him understand he didn't do anything wrong. This shit was all me.

Would he even hear me? Or would he go legit Phantom after I'd hurt him? There was a chance that Christine could possibly never be seen again after tomorrow night, so there's that worry now too all of a sudden.

Fuck. I hate this story.

But, just in case…

"Can we go to the bakery after this?" I asked, pulling on my old dress. "I want to order something for tomorrow."