Chapter 16

16

H e's kissing me here.

Out in the open.

Until Tricia realized where they were.

Close to the Ashford burial grounds.

Close to…

She broke the kiss and pushed at his hard, broad shoulders.

"No," she said. "I can't allow it. Not here."

Thomas almost looked startled. "What do you mean—" Then he darted his gaze toward the gravesites. "What was I thinking?"

Patricia's fingers went absently to her lips. They stung from his kiss in a most precious way.

"That day," she said, gulping. "That day you kissed me. But it wasn't me you kissed."

"I assure you it was very much you whom I kissed," he said.

"But you were in pain, Thomas. You were mourning. You were grieving the loss of your beloved father. I was happy that I could be there for you, but now…"

"I'm no longer in mourning, Tricia."

"Are you saying you no longer miss your father?"

"Oh, I miss him. I miss him desperately. But that's not why I kissed you."

"Why, then? Why, when you let me go last night?"

"Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever done."

"It didn't look too difficult from where I was standing." She cast her gaze to the ground. "You told me how much you wanted me, Thomas. How you were going to ruin me and then do the right thing by marrying me."

"To which you said you would not accept my offer of marriage."

"Because I want to marry for love, Thomas. However, I did tell you I would go to your bed."

"Yes, but you didn't know what you were saying."

"I'm a woman of nineteen years," she said. "I'm not a child, and trust me, when you grow up the way I did, by the time you're twelve or thirteen you're no longer a child. I knew girls who married at fourteen or fifteen. You do what must be done to survive."

"You may be right for all I know," Thomas said. "I grew up so differently than you did."

Tricia nodded. "You did. Just tell me one thing, Thomas."

"What's that?"

She took a step toward him. "Do you wish to marry? Or do you merely feel that it's your duty?"

Thomas pressed his lips together and scratched his chin. "That's a difficult question to answer."

"And everything is just so difficult for you, isn't it, Thomas? How to answer one little question asked of you by a lady of the peerage?" She chuckled to herself. "Yes, me, the former Patricia Price, now a lady of the peerage. Sometimes I still don't believe it. Then I feel the constrictions of this awful corset, and I do."

Thomas laughed. "I've always known I would marry, Tricia. I just never thought it would have to be so soon. I didn't expect my father to…"

Tricia boldly placed her hand on his forearm. "I know."

"But yes, I always knew I would marry. And I do want to marry. I want children. I love children. I was quite a bit older when Lily and Rose came along, and I enjoyed spending time with them."

"You'll be an excellent father," Tricia said.

"I certainly hope I will be. I shan't be quite as strict as my own father was. But I will be a good father. I shall instill in my children respect for authority and convention. Though my father tried his best with Lily, and you see how she ended up."

"Married to a duke? I'd say she ended up just fine."

"She fought him every step of the way. She never wanted to marry. But I've never been of that thought. I've always wanted to marry."

"And what are you looking for in a wife?"

"I suppose I want more than just a bed warmer. I want a wife I can converse with, a wife of intelligence, aptitude."

Tricia smiled. "And would you allow your wife to help you in running the estate?"

"My wife would be mistress of the estate," he said. "So of course."

"No, that's not what I mean. I mean in running the business of the estate."

He wrinkled his forehead. "I don't know that I have ever considered that."

"Women are more than just a pretty face and a warm body. And more than just a person who can order around servants."

Indeed, she herself would have no idea how to order around servants. She still had difficulty with it because she hadn't grown up that way. For goodness' sake, perhaps she wasn't cut out to be the mistress of Ashford Estate.

"So did any of the young ladies strike your fancy?" she asked. "You know. All the ones you danced with who weren't me?"

Thomas wrinkled his forehead. "Not a one, Tricia." He touched her cheek again.

Sparks burned through her.

"Not a one holds a candle to you." He leaned down and spoke softly into her ear. "Do you have any idea how much I want to kiss your lips again? How much I want to feel your body against mine? How much I want to…"

She swallowed. "What, Thomas? Say it to me. Say the words."

His eyes darkened, and he cupped both of her cheeks with his gloved hands. "Want to sink my hard cock inside you, Tricia. I want to take your maidenhead from you, see your virgin's blood and know that I took it."

Tricia's legs trembled. Her heart raced. And that ache between her legs became all the more intense.

"I'm sure to burn in hell for speaking to a young lady that way," Thomas said, "but my God, Tricia, you bring out something in me. Something dark and dirty and hedonistic."

Tricia gulped. "Thomas, I?—"

He covered her lips with his hand. "Don't say anything. I should apologize to you. I've gotten good at apologizing to you in the last year. But I can't, Tricia. I can't apologize for something that I mean with all of my heart."

"Thomas…"

He brought a finger to her lips. "Don't say a word. Please. I can't and won't apologize, but know this. I've no intention of acting on any of those impulses. I shall be a consummate gentleman."

"What if I don't want you to be a gentleman, Thomas?" She narrowed her gaze. "What if I want you to do all of those things?"

He rubbed at his temples. "My honor is hanging by a thread here, Tricia. I will not defile you this close to my father's grave."

"Somewhere else then."

"My God, are you intent on driving me to madness?"

Tricia bit her lower lip. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps she did not know the beast she was awakening.

But oh, she wanted to know him.

She wanted to awaken everything inside Thomas. Even if he didn't marry her, she would at least know.

She would know what Lady Portia knew in The Ruby .

She would know how it felt to have a man she adored worship her.

"But it's all wrong," he said. "I first met you when you were but fifteen years old. Having such thoughts… My God, you were a beauty even then, but now…"

"I'm now a full-grown woman, Thomas. I'm on the marriage market this season. Anyone else could offer for me at any time, and if Cameron approves, I shall be married."

"There are other considerations," he said.

Tricia sighed. "There are always considerations, Thomas. There are considerations for me as well. I'm offering myself to you, and I'm not going to force you into marrying me."

"I shall do what's right."

"I shall not marry except for love."

Even as she said the words, Tricia knew she would have a difficult time rejecting Thomas if he did propose marriage to her after they… Well, they hadn't done anything yet. She had worshiped him from afar for so long, and if he were forced to be with her, she could certainly make him fall in love with her. Couldn't she?

Except she was woefully inexperienced and na?ve. Reading The Ruby was one thing. And she'd only read a few episodes. She didn't know what to do with a man's body. She didn't know how to please him.

"Damn you." Thomas grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. "Damn you for making me want you like this. I'm a gentleman, damn it. You're a lady of the peerage, whether you were born into it or not. Do not make me treat you like a whore."

Tricia dropped her jaw. Had those words actually come out of Thomas's mouth? "Does it make me a whore to want the same things a man wants?"

Thomas let go of Tricia and took a step back. "See? Because you were not born into high society, there are things you just don't know, Tricia. Of course you're not a whore. And even if we did make love, you would not be a whore."

"And those unfortunate women who participate in the deed to make a coin, to pay for their necessities." Tricia cocked her head. "They're the whores?"

Thomas simply cleared his throat.

Tricia closed the distance between herself and Thomas. "I'm not saying they're the best society has to offer, but are they not simply trying to make a living, possibly the only way they can?"

Thomas shook her again. "Damn you! You make me question everything. I am the Earl of Ashford, for God's sake. There are standards I must adhere to. I was born to this, trained for this, groomed for this. Don't make me question society!"

"I am but a mere young lady," Tricia said. "How can I possibly make you question anything?"

"Because I'm not like my father, damn it. I don't think of women as inferior creatures. I adore women. I respect them for more than just their ability to bring forth life. My sisters taught me that."

"Another reason why I adore both of your sisters," Tricia said.

"But even my sisters would draw the line at respecting women of the night."

"Would they?" Tricia asked.

The question was valid in her own mind. Knowing Rose and Lily as she did, she wondered if Thomas knew his sisters as well as he thought he did.

Rose especially had seen how the other half lived. Before Cameron came into his earldom, she had quarantined with their family on the Lybrook Estate when Kat fell ill several years ago. She saw how difficult it was sometimes to make ends meet.

In Tricia's opinion, no woman wanted to sell her body for money. But for some, there was no other choice.

And what was the difference, anyway, between being a common whore or being a mistress to a man of the peerage? Perhaps the mistress makes more money—a lot more—but does the definition change just because one woman is kept as opposed to laid and then forgotten?

"Don't make me second-guess my sisters," Thomas said. "And don't make me second-guess myself, damn it. I know the ways of society and convention. I was born to them, and I must accept them."

"Am I asking you not to?"

He finally let go of her shoulders and threaded his long thick fingers through his gorgeous dark locks. "You are driving me mad, Patricia Price."

Interesting. He used her former last name. The one she was born to, that she held until they became heirs of the Denbigh marquessate and took Grandfather's surname of Adams. Cameron insisted on hyphenation to honor their father, who hadn't had the chance to be an Adams.

"Perhaps you shall be the death of me as well, Thomas. Surely you know what it's like to be a young lady in bloom." Then she laughed uproariously at the absurdity of her words. Thomas knew nothing at all about being a young lady. He knew only about being a young man—a young man who probably wanted to rut.

"I know only that I'm going insane with desire at the moment. That for the past year—ever since I kissed you next to my father's gravesite—I've been able to think only of you. Even when I was supposed to be in mourning, you invaded my thoughts. Though I tried to rid myself of them, you plagued my dreams." With every word he brought his face closer to hers. "I waited with bated breath for the day that I could lay eyes on you again. For the day that I could come out of mourning and kiss you again. I knew it was wrong. I know it's wrong now, but I don't care, Tricia. You are what I breathe for."

Tricia's legs turned to jelly. She leaned into Thomas to prevent herself from falling.

"Then take me," she said. "I shall hold you to nothing. I swear it."