81. Before

Jenna and Rose sat against cupboard under the sink. Lydia stood beside them. I got up, my mind reeling. ‘Where's the tape?' I asked, holding Lydia's gaze.

At the time, I'd told the police to look for one. I knew Mum had set up the one-to-one sessions and I knew she was recording them. So the students could study their art, she'd said. But they'd said what Tristan had given them was blank, that he'd claimed my mum had told him not to record the session.

‘Georgia, it doesn't sound like something you should watch.'

‘You're probably right. Where is it?'

‘I don't know.' Lydia looked down at the floor.

‘You don't know?' said Jenna, leaning forward.

Lydia shook her head. ‘Rose won't give it to me.'

Rose gave me that defiant look again. ‘It's not our choice – is it? What to do with it.' she said. ‘It's Jenna's life.'

Jenna'slife? What about mine?

I smiled. ‘Will someone please tell me what is on this tape?'

Jenna closed her eyes. ‘It… it starts out… Uncle Tristan…'

I smiled harder. ‘I need to know.'

Jenna looked like she was going to be sick, and Rose looked away.

That told me everything, didn't it? Jenna and Rose had watched the tape of my mother and Tristan and their one-to-one drama lesson all those years ago and the verdict against Tristan was guilty. Tristan was a monster. My mother was not. But I needed to hear it. ‘I understand it must be difficult, but this is quite important for me.'

Lydia leant against the counter. ‘Rose told me… it was Tristan who attacked your mother. Not the other way around. It was him.'

Something splits inside my head. I had always known. Always always known. I had never allowed myself to think otherwise, even though the tiny, infinitesimal, tip of it, scratching at the back of my mind, is what has kept me stuck in one place for the whole of my life.

‘You told her?' Jenna said to Rose.

‘Just the first bit – she knew already.' Rose bit her lip.

‘The tape needs to go to the police,' Lydia said.

Rose looked at Jenna and Jenna's face crumpled.

Right. Poor little Jenna.

‘I can't do that to my family,' she said.

I squeezed Jenna's unhurt arm. ‘Jenna, I know he's your uncle, but he did something terrible.'

She scowled at me. ‘I can't believe you knew who I was and you?—'

‘I'm sorry. I couldn't tell you who I was and you… remind me of me.'

Jenna stared, the hurt written all over her face.

‘The tape has to go to the police,' I repeated.

Jenna's face twisted. ‘You're really her daughter?'

I nodded and she turned away, her lips turning down.

I squeezed Jenna's arm again. ‘You're protecting Tristan, Jenna. Think about what he did. Is he the older man who's been coming on to you?'

‘What?' Rose asked.

Jenna started crying again. ‘There's something wrong with me.'

‘Don't say that,' said Rose.

‘I just…' Jenna sniffed then her face fixed in a frown. ‘I hate them. Maybe they should all go to prison.' Then it softened again. ‘Where they can forget about me once and for all.' She flicked a diamond of broken mirror.

Rose crossed her arms. ‘Jenna goes home, we hand in the tape, and this counts for nothing.' She gestured at Jenna's wrist. ‘Yeah, great, justice will be done. But her mum can keep on not seeing her. And how long until we're back here again?'

Jenna's face flushed with anger. ‘I don't know why I should feel so pathetic for wanting… for wanting…' A sob ran through her.

‘For wanting what?' I asked.

‘For wanting her family to care about her,' said Rose.

Christ on a bike. Her uncle raped my mum, and we all have to sit around feeling sorry for Jenna because she doesn't get enough attention from her shitty family?

‘Have you considered telling your mum how you feel?' I asked.

Rose shot me a look as sharp and hot as a poker.

I crossed my ankles. ‘Handing in the tape might get her to listen.'

‘I can't.' Jenna wouldn't meet my eye. I wanted to shake her.

Lydia went to look out of the window. ‘Rose is right. You go back there now – what is it? Not even seven? You go home and show your mother your wrist and she tells you it doesn't look so bad, all "give a smile and get one back" and no questions asked about why you did it, and your grandfather takes you aside and tells you to "stop making a scene" and "this isn't how we behave, young lady", right?'

Jenna nodded.

‘And then the police come banging on the door, and even if your mother has to answer to them too… I asked her if she ever felt guilty. Do you know what she did?' Lydia rubbed at something on the glass. ‘She laughed in my face and walked away.'

Rose snorted. ‘That whole family is getting locked up.' She bit her lip and hugged Jenna.

The whole family?

Jenna pushed Rose away. ‘I don't want my mum to go to jail.'

Oh, of course. That's who she's trying to keep out of prison.

Rose glared. ‘I do. It's called emotional neglect, you know, Jenna? What your mum does to you? It's abuse.'

Lydia pushed her hair from her face and pulled it back into a bun. ‘Listen, I've looked into this.' She glanced at me. ‘Tristan isn't the only one who broke the law back then. I've been thinking about what the consequences should've been, for all of us, for a long time. Way before I knew about the tape.

‘Frances lied. She got me and Mina to lie. She hid the tape. But she didn't know what was on it. She was seventeen. I honestly am not certain she'd go to prison for that.'

‘You really think so?' Jenna said.

Frances was the one who hid the tape?

Lydia shrugged. ‘I don't know.' She laid two fingers on Jenna's bandaged wrist. ‘I know you want to protect your mother. But would you even be here if she had protected you?'

Lydia looked at me. ‘Even if Frances has to serve some time, she'll go on pretending she did the right thing back then, for her family.'

My head felt like it might implode. I didn't want that. I wanted Frances to feel guilt, remorse, grief.

Lydia turned back to Jenna. ‘Let's let them think you've gone for one night. In the morning, take that tape to the police. You hand it over.'

Jenna looked into her lap.

‘She's never going to get it, Jenna,' Lydia said, brushing Jenna's hair behind her ear. ‘Your mother's never going to see how what she did that day led to you trying to kill yourself.'

Jenna frowned. ‘Did it?'

I stared at Lydia. Was that a bit of a stretch? Could a suicidal teenage girl's problems really be all about something that happened when her mother was at school?

But maybe she was right.

Lydia rolled her eyes. ‘Don't you see? The lie was too big. Since that afternoon Frances hasn't stopped smiling. No one can get in, not even her daughter.'

Jenna hiccupped. ‘You talk about it like it's her fault.'

‘No one would have believed that story if it weren't for your mother, Mina and me.'

Rose sat up.

Jenna hugged her knees. ‘She does stop smiling – she cuts herself. That's why she never wears shorts or sleeveless tops. She doesn't just swan about. She's in pain all the time.'

Well, I thought, at least she's hurting. But then: How dare she? That's my pain.

Lydia frowned. ‘So she knows. She understands. And she puts all her energy into hiding it. She chooses the lie over you, Jenna. Every time.' Her eyes flicked from Jenna to me. ‘Go home now, and she's not going to notice you, prison or not.'

I have thought about revenge a lot. Turns out, so has Lydia.

Jenna smacked her palm on the tiles. ‘She neversees me.'

Rose nodded.

‘I'm staying here tonight,' said Jenna. ‘But I can't be the one to hand in the tape.'

I cleared my throat. ‘You can't stay here. Your mum saw me at drop-off this morning. Someone might come looking. Find somewhere else. And I'm taking the tape to the police tonight.'

‘One night,' said Rose, staring down her sleek nose at me, ‘and I'll give you the tape.'

Oh, right. I don't have it. I can't do anything without them.

‘One night,' I said.