Chapter 21

21

PARIS, 1939

Evelina was embarrassed to think how often she’d sat at the window overlooking the Seine, waiting for Antoine. Despite her bravery the night she’d told him, she’d wavered ever since over what to do, unsure whether to forgive him or not.

He’d sent enormous bouquets of flowers and boxes of chocolates, as well as having some of her favourite food sent directly to her door from restaurants they both loved. But not once had he come to see her himself.

Which was why she was so taken by surprise to glance out of the window that morning, a cup of coffee in hand, to see the man her heart yearned for crossing the street and walking towards her. She set down her cup and hurried to the bathroom, tidying her hair and getting changed into a simple dress just as there was a knock at the door. She caught sight of herself in the mirror and noticed the slightest curve to her usually flat stomach, and she hoped it helped her cause if he noticed it. There was no hiding her condition any longer.

Evelina walked quickly across the hardwood floor, her toes touching the thick cream rug that she’d only recently had delivered for the hallway, before standing in front of the door. She took a deep breath and opened it.

Antoine looked like a man who’d just lost the love of his life. His face was gaunt, his complexion pale, and when she opened her arms, no longer able to stay angry with him as she saw his pain, he collapsed into her. His breath was warm against her neck as he clung to her, and she kissed his head, stretching out her leg to push the door shut so that no one could see them standing there.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, as she held him. ‘Can you ever forgive me? My life has been miserable without you.’

Evelina knew she had to carefully consider her words. This was a man who controlled so much of her life, who had the power to change her financial position with one decision, and also with whom she’d fallen so deeply in love. ‘Of course I can forgive you, Antoine,’ she murmured as he dropped to his knees in front of her, his cheek pressed to her stomach now, arms wrapped tightly around her waist. ‘I’ve been truly miserable without you, too.’ And it was the truth; she might have been angry with him, but she’d missed him terribly.

She bent low and cradled his head, showering his hair with kisses, almost as if he were a child who needed comforting. He wants the baby. Why else would he be cocooned against my stomach? He’s changed his mind; that’s why he’s here .

‘Come on,’ she eventually said, placing her hands on his shoulders and urging him to stand, not sure how long they could simply stay like that in the entranceway. ‘Let me make you a drink.’

When he didn’t move, she stroked his forehead and smiled down at him. ‘Antoine? Let me get you a drink, and then perhaps?—’

‘She lost the baby,’ he said, his eyes filled with tears as he began to cry. ‘It’s why I haven’t been, it’s why I, I…’

Evelina froze. She’d thought he was on his knees, at her mercy, because he couldn’t live without her, because his days without seeing her had broken him. But she had nothing to do with his breaking; she was simply where he sought comfort from his pain. She could see that now.

But he’d broken their one rule. Again. He was speaking about his wife, and this time he seemed to expect that it wouldn’t be a problem for him to do so, as if he had no sense that he was hurting her.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said, because there was nothing else she could say. But she did take his hand and place it gently against her stomach, hoping that it might give him comfort to know that their child was still growing inside of her, that he hadn’t lost his chance at becoming a father. As devastated as she was that he’d lied about his relationship with his wife, she still loved him, and she hated to see him in pain.

But instead of looking at her in the tender way she might have hoped, he looked aghast and snatched his hand away, as if she’d forced him to do something truly horrible. Antoine scrambled to his feet and paced away from her, raking his hand through his hair as he always did when he was angry. Only it wasn’t her he was usually angry with.

‘You’re still…’

He started his sentence and couldn’t finish it, as if the words were too revolting to say. As if he truly couldn’t believe what he was dealing with, that she still dared to be pregnant with his child.

‘Yes, Antoine,’ Evelina said, wrapping her arms around herself as she stood by the door where he’d left her, her breathing shallow as she tried to stay calm. ‘What did you expect?’

He shook his head sadly, as if she’d done something to disappoint him, before taking a glass and pouring brandy into it. He drained half of it before speaking to her again, but she was pleased to see that his eyes had softened, the familiar creases appearing in his skin as he looked at her in the way that he always had.

‘Evelina, I need you,’ he said, setting down his glass and crossing the room again. He took her hands in his, and she stood on tiptoe to brush a kiss to his cheek. ‘I need you more than I’ve ever needed you.’

‘And I need you, my love,’ she whispered, relieved at his sudden change of heart. ‘Nothing has changed in how I feel about you.’

He stroked her face, and she saw the tears in his eyes, knew that he truly cared for her. Or that he believed that he cared for her. ‘But I need to know that nothing will change,’ he said. ‘We are two, Evelina. I have my wife and she will one day bear my children, that’s the way it has to be, but I need you just for me. You are like a little oasis I can retreat to, something hidden from the world. You must understand that?’

Now it was tears forming in her eyes, although she tried to quickly blink them away so he couldn’t see how much his words hurt her.

‘Would it not be special for us to have a child though, too?’ she asked, keeping her tone light, not wanting him to turn away. ‘We could be a family, Antoine, and we would still be your oasis from the world. You and I?—’

‘Are two,’ he said, firmly. ‘This apartment, this life, the nights we share together…’ He stood back and looked around, as if to make his point. ‘Evelina, don’t make me say it. I don’t want a life without you, but we can’t have a baby together. It would ruin everything.’

She nodded even as her skin felt as though he’d lit a match to it. He didn’t need to say any more—he held all the cards, and they both knew it. The apartment was his, he was the exclusive stockist of her clothes, and he was the father of her unborn child. A child he’d just made clear would be a bastard if she went through with the pregnancy.

Antoine had the power to take everything from her. Antoine had the power to send her back to Provins, penniless and pregnant. Antoine was her lifeline, whether she wanted him to be or not.

And even though she knew she should have told him what he wanted to hear, even while she knew what he could do to her if she disobeyed him, she said what was in her heart, hoping that she could reach him.

‘Antoine, I love you,’ she whispered, smiling through her tears and clinging to his hands. ‘The time we’ve spent together, being with you? They’ve been the happiest moments of my life. I’ve never loved anyone like I’ve loved you.’

He stared at her, as if he knew what was coming, knew what she was going to say.

‘But I can’t change the fact that there is a child growing inside of me. A baby conceived in love!’ She kept hold of his hands when he tried to pull away. ‘ Our baby, Antoine. A life we made together.’

‘Please, Evelina, don’t make this more difficult than it has to be. I hate that I’m even asking you to do this, but you’re forcing my hand.’

‘Antoine,’ she begged, wishing she knew what to say, wishing she knew how to change his mind. She couldn’t believe that he truly wanted her to do such a thing. Not only would it break her heart, but she also knew what dangers were associated with such a procedure.

But his earlier vulnerability had disappeared, replaced with a hardness that she knew would be impenetrable if she didn’t agree to give him a way out. It seemed that the men in her life were all equally unwilling to yield when it came to her doing what she was told.

‘Evelina, do you know what you are to me?’

She swallowed. She’d thought she did, but seeing his face now, the way he was staring at her, told her that she had no idea at all. ‘All I know,’ she said, lowering her voice, knowing how carefully she had to tread, ‘is that the time I’ve spent with you has been the happiest of my life. I can’t imagine my life without you, Antoine. I love you.’

‘Then let’s not ruin what we have. Can’t we find a way to move past this? I can make all the necessary arrangements for you.’

She took a deep breath, forced herself to lift her head and look into his eyes when he curled his fingers beneath her chin. His kiss was gentle, his lips moving softly against hers to begin with but then with more urgency, almost as if he was afraid it might be the last time.

Evelina numbly let him take her hand and lead her to the bedroom, her body trembling as he stood her at the end of the bed and turned her around, unzipping her dress and letting it fall into a pool at her feet. She wanted him just as she always had, but this time felt different.

When she turned back to face him, she wondered if he truly loved her in the same way she did him, but still, she didn’t pull away.

Evelina shut her eyes as tears formed, not wanting him to see how sad she was.

Because as much as she loved him, as much as she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, she knew in her heart that this was the last time he’d make love to her. Because the next time he came to see her?

She’d be gone.