Chapter 19

19

PARIS, 1939

Evelina felt as if she’d been waiting all day for Antoine to arrive—even after almost two years together, she still found herself anxious to see him, always looking forward to his visits. She’d been hoping to see him all week, but he hadn’t been to see her for three days. It wasn’t unusual, given the separate lives they led; what was unusual was her hovering near the window, nervously wringing her hands and looking out over the street, hoping to see his figure approaching. She knew his usual routines: sometimes he’d call in and see her early evening, other times he’d come in the afternoon and she’d drop whatever she was doing to have lunch with him, and every so often he’d call very late after a business dinner. Which meant she’d spent endless hours peering out, day and night, listening and pacing. She’d even fleetingly considered going past his office under the pretence of a business meeting, but then thought better of it.

Tonight, she’d finally seen his car pull up outside, and her breath had caught in her throat. Evelina had prepared herself just in case, and was ready to see him, but she still dashed to her bedroom and checked her appearance in the mirror, patting down her hair and dabbing a little more Chanel No. 5 to her decolletage. She turned in her dress, made in a soft silk that clung to her like a second skin. It had been one of the most popular dresses from her last collection, which in turn meant it had earned Antoine a lot of money; she wasn’t sure if that’s why he liked it on her so much, or if it was her body beneath it that he admired. Either way, she’d thought it was the right choice to wear it, in anticipation of seeing him, to set the tone and make sure that he was in a good mood before she told him what she needed to share.

‘Evelina?’ his deep voice echoed from the door, both soothing her and making her nervous all at the same time.

‘Coming!’ she called back, taking a deep breath and studying her reflection one last time. I can do this. He loves me, he’ll be happy for us .

She hurried out and saw that he was holding flowers, as well as a box of her favourite chocolates. ‘It’s not my birthday,’ she said, slipping her arms around his waist and kissing him on the mouth. ‘But you know that I love it when you come bearing gifts.’

He held his arms up around her, still holding the gifts and kissing her back. When she broke away, he passed them to her, his smile reaching his eyes as if he was the happiest man on earth as he stared down at her.

‘This is my way of apologising for not coming to see you,’ he said. ‘I’ve missed you, more than you could possibly believe.’

‘And I’ve missed you,’ she said. ‘But you shouldn’t have. It’s you I look forward to seeing, not what you buy for me.’

She took the flowers and set them aside, intending on filling a vase with water after she’d spoken to him. The chocolates she held for a moment longer, holding them up and inhaling. Sugar wasn’t something she’d had very often growing up, and she appreciated it all the more now she had the means to buy it for herself, or in this case have it gifted to her. ‘We shall have them in bed together, after dinner. How does that sound?’

Antoine laughed and stepped towards her again, dropping a kiss into her hair. ‘I knew the chocolates were a great idea, I just didn’t know why.’

He loosened his tie and looked around, and she wondered what he was thinking. Was he wondering if she’d had anyone else there while he was absent?

‘Antoine, I have something to tell you,’ Evelina said, moving to the bar to pour him a glass of his favourite brandy as she spoke. She realised how nervous she was, having waited for days to share her news. It would have been so easy to hold her tongue and not say anything, but she didn’t know when she’d see him again, and it was his news as much as it was hers.

‘Good news?’ he asked, leaning in for another kiss before taking the drink, his other hand running down her back and resting on her bottom. Evelina knew what he wanted, but if she didn’t tell him now, she was worried she’d lose her nerve.

She touched his arm and led him to the sofa, her leg grazing his as they sat down together. Evelina waited until he’d sipped his drink before saying anything more.

‘So, what’s this news you have to share? You look nervous. Is it about your new drawings? Because I’m sure they’re fabulous—you’re becoming more and more confident with your ideas.’

She took a breath, reaching for his glass and taking a small sip, before meeting his gaze, wanting to see his reaction as she told him.

‘Antoine, I’m pregnant,’ she whispered.

Evelina held her smile as his face fell, his eyes half closing for a second as he downed the rest of his drink. She’d expected him to set his glass down and turn to embrace her, to shower her with kisses even if the news had been unexpected, but instead he sat silently for a moment, before reaching for her hand.

‘I thought we’d taken precautions?’ he said at last. ‘How did this happen?’

She knew what he meant; that he thought she’d taken all the necessary precautions. It was on the tip of her tongue to ask him if he needed a lesson in how babies were made after his childish comment, but she didn’t.

‘We did, but perhaps this was just meant to be,’ she said, shrugging him off as if he hadn’t hurt her deeply with his words, and deciding she needed a drink of her own. ‘I know this isn’t what we planned, but I thought you’d be happy. Is it the very worst thing that could happen, to make a child with the person you love?’

‘Happy?’ he shook his head. ‘You expect a man to be happy that his mistress is pregnant? What a naive thing to say, Evelina. I love you, but a baby is not part of our future.’

Her hand shook as she poured a little brandy into her glass, heat rising through her body and no doubt staining her cheeks a deep pink. ‘I know it wasn’t planned, but I thought we could make the most of the unexpected event.’

‘Evelina, I don’t know how to say this,’ Henri said, rising and coming to stand beside her, his hand on her arm, ‘but Corina is pregnant.’

At the mention of his wife’s name, Evelina paled. She tried to still the shaking of her right hand by holding it with her left, but it didn’t help. He never talked about his wife, and certainly never mentioned her by name, and she never asked. That was another part of his life; a part that she was completely separate from. It was an unwritten rule of their relationship that it wasn’t to be mentioned. Most of the time, she forgot entirely that he was even married, content to pretend that he was hers. But hearing that Corina was pregnant, too…Evelina blinked away tears, taking a sip of her drink to be certain Antoine didn’t see them. He wasn’t used to her playing the simpering woman, and she wasn’t about to let her guard down now.

‘Well, I suppose congratulations are in order then,’ Evelina said, careful to hide the bitterness in her voice. ‘I’m certain she received a vastly different reaction when she told you her exciting news?’ The few times Antoine had mentioned Corina, it had been to tell her that he wasn’t in love with his wife, that it was a marriage in name only. He’d insinuated that they hadn’t been intimate in a very, very long time. How foolish she’d been to believe him that she was the most important woman in his life, that he wasn’t still sharing a bed with his wife.

She was his mistress, and nothing more.

‘She’s my wife, Evelina,’ Antoine said. ‘I know we pretend that part of my life doesn’t exist, but having a family is what’s expected of me.’

He may as well have slapped her across the face, the sting was so sharp. As if sensing how much he’d hurt her, Antoine wrapped his arms around her.

‘I’m sorry, that was insensitive. But my love, what I’m trying to say is that the domestic life is one that is reserved for marriage. With you, I have passion and fun, we have spontaneity.’ He kissed her wrists and she let him, even though she wanted to pull away. ‘A baby would ruin what we have, you must see that? I just want this to be me and you.’

‘What, then, am I supposed to do?’ she asked. ‘I cannot just click my fingers and change what has happened. I didn’t ask to be pregnant, Antoine. It certainly wasn’t part of my plan for the future.’ I thought you were my future. I thought your wife was nothing more than a formality in your life, that we were going to be together in public one day .

He shrugged, as if she’d told him that she needed to recover from a cold, not a pregnancy. ‘Darling, there are doctors who deal with this sort of thing. I’ll pay whatever I need to, so we can put this behind us. Surely that’s what you want, too?’

Evelina’s stomach turned and this time she did pull her hands from his grasp. ‘I’m suddenly not feeling so well,’ she said, as a wave of nausea passed through her. It had everything to do with what he’d just said, and nothing to do with her pregnancy, but she wouldn’t let him know that. She couldn’t believe that his first thought was to do whatever it took to rid her of the baby growing inside her. For a man who claimed to love her, he certainly had a strange way of showing it. ‘I think I need to lie down.’

‘But we have dinner reservations,’ he said, sounding more disappointed child than successful businessman. ‘Let me pour you a drink—it’s bound to make you feel better, and perhaps we can…’

‘No, Antoine, you go ahead without me,’ she said, feigning a smile and cutting him off. There was no chance she was taking him to her bed, not tonight, and perhaps not ever again if he maintained his current callousness towards her. ‘I doubt I’d be very good company.’

‘Without you? Evelina, you have to be joking. It’s a table for two!’

‘Well, perhaps you might like to invite your wife to join you,’ Evelina said, her words now tainted with anger. ‘You could celebrate your wonderful news and discuss baby names. I’m sure she’d be delighted.’

‘Evelina,’ he said, reaching for her, but she stepped away to avoid his touch. ‘Corina was very sensitive in the early stages of her pregnancy, too, but now?—’

Evelina froze, clenching her fists at her sides as her hands began to tremble again. Just hearing him talk so casually about the other woman in his life made her stomach turn. ‘How far along is she?’

As if sensing he’d said too much, Antoine just shook his head, not answering her. At least he had the decency to look embarrassed.

‘I asked you a question, Antoine!’ Evelina shouted, before lowering her voice. ‘How far along is she?’

‘Eight months.’

Evelina’s temples began to pulse as she glared at him, as she realised what little stake in his heart, in his life, she truly held. His wife was pregnant, had been pregnant for months , the baby’s arrival something to celebrate, yet her pregnancy was nothing more than a hindrance to a man who wanted her simply as his bought and paid for mistress. He’d kept it secret from her all this time, telling her that she was the one he loved, telling her he’d leave his wife in a heartbeat if he could, making her believe that she was the most important woman in his life. When at the same time, he’d been making love to his wife and preparing a nursery.

‘Do you love her?’ Evelina asked, her voice barely a whisper now. ‘Are you in love with your wife?’

He shook his head, slowly, but his eyes betrayed him. He was lying. ‘I love you , Evelina,’ he said. ‘You know my heart is yours, but this is not us. A baby isn’t in our future, you know that.’

This time she couldn’t disguise her tears as they began to slip rapidly down her cheeks. She very much doubted that his heart was hers; it was a lie she’d chosen to believe for too long, but it wasn’t one she was going to believe this time. Evelina placed a hand to her stomach, still flat, still hiding what lay hidden beneath. He spoke as if she could simply click her fingers and miraculously put an end to her pregnancy.

I’ve been a fool many times before, but I’m not going to be one this time .

‘Antoine,’ she said, her voice low, her anger simmering below the surface.

He looked like a puppy, wide-eyed and hopeful to be picked up for a cuddle. Only in this case, it was a man desperate to be welcomed into her bed. He raised his eyebrows in question.

‘I would like you to leave.’

He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then thought better of it and turned on his heel, and when he finally walked out of the door, she slid to the floor, her emotion bubbling to the surface. Tears poured from her eyes, her cries like ugly hiccups as she gasped for air. Evelina fell onto her side and curled into a ball as she sobbed, as the pain of rejection clung to her skin and curdled in her stomach.

The pain was overwhelming, and the only thing that could have eased the deep ache inside of her would have been for Antoine to walk back through the door and scoop her up, to cradle her in his arms as he whispered into her ear that he loved her, that he’d take care of her and the baby.

But Antoine never came back. Not that night, not the next day, and not even the day after that.