Chapter 26

CHAPTER 26

" I have to face life with a newly found passion. I must rediscover the irresistible will to learn, to live and to love."

—Andrea Bocelli

Vadim

I'd never been a philosophical man; perhaps I'd never wanted to be. I did enjoy music, more so than I'd ever allowed anyone, including my daughters, to discover. It was a personal thing for me, allowing me moments of peace when nothing else had worked. Maybe that's why something I'd heard my favorite singer say a long time before seemed so profound at this moment.

Having Caroline in my arms as I slowly walked up the stairs to my bedroom was entirely different than when I'd removed her from Joshua's bloodstained apartment in Brooklyn. I'd felt nurturing then, fearful she'd been injured.

Now, the stiffness in my joints, the aching need that never seemed to abate around her felt like what living was supposed to be about. I finally got it. Happiness wasn't about money or powerful, beautiful things or expensive vacations to distant lands. It was about enjoying what you had with someone you cared about.

Caroline said nothing, the same look of satisfaction remaining on her face. There were no words that could be said to further entice our passion. Or change what had occurred between us. Whatever would happen in the future would shape both our realities. That did weigh heavily on my mind, especially given her reckless behavior.

I couldn't deny I wanted her in my life and in my world. Doing so would be futile and I was at an age where it wouldn't do me any good. Plus, why would I deny what we both obviously wanted? However, if she was going to be my leading lady, she would need to learn and accept things had to be a certain way or it placed people's lives at stake.

She didn't want that. In fact, she was a woman who wanted to be an equal partner. The thought was more riveting than I'd imagined. Yet her complete lack of experience in my world of constant danger had already become an issue.

The light was waning outside but perfect for what I intended. I kept her in my hold as I walked to my bed, yanking down the covers.

"What are you doing?" she breathed.

"Providing what I hope will be the last stern reminder that rules are set for a reason."

"But I'm kind of hurt."

After plopping a pillow into the center of the bed, I eyed her with amusement. "Is that anything like being a little bit pregnant?"

She smacked my chest, rolling her eyes in such a way her long eyelashes skimmed across her cheeks.

I was shocked my cock was aching all over again so soon.

"I think you'll remember after tonight." I eased her down onto the corner of the bed, brushing hair from her face as I peered down at her. "Because the spanking will be stern."

"What do you mean?"

"You'll need to trust me. Now, roll over onto the pillows while I retrieve the implement I'm going to use."

"You're not going to give me a slight hint at what that is?"

"Not one." I pointed to the pillow and was given another roll of her eyes.

"You're mean."

How many times had my daughters said that very thing to me? I almost felt melancholy, but I wasn't robbing the cradle or doing anything inappropriate.

Not that I should give a shit in the first place.

At least my cherished one did as I asked in thumping over the pillow. I took a moment to myself, rubbing her back a few times. But if I was admitting my true feelings on this early evening, I'd also have to admit that the sadistic side of me she'd brought out remained. No, I had no intention of hurting her any more than she already had been. As much as I wanted to teach her a lesson, at this point only a sharp reminder was needed.

Maybe for myself as well.

Caroline tried to get herself comfortable but as I walked to the dresser to retrieve my favorite cane, it was easy to tell she was tossing and turning, likely cursing my name under her breath.

Forever my disobedient and defiant woman.

Another reason I was so damn attracted to her.

I hadn't used the cane in as long as I could remember, but it was a reminder of my early playboy days when I frequented kink clubs.

Perhaps one day I'd take her.

After a few seconds, I pulled the cane into my hand, admiring its perfect shape and the scent of the exotic wood that hit my senses. I ran it under my nose and took a deep breath before turning around to face her.

The beautiful, beguiling woman's eyes opened wide, watching every little thing I did.

"I thought we were supposed to be going to dinner," she said as I approached.

"Things change."

"Not fair."

She folded and shoved her arms under her chin, jerking her head front and center. She even shoved her legs together, as if I was going to allow that.

I pulled one then the other into position the way I wanted, patting her bottom. There were continuous thoughts racing through my mind, not all of them remaining intimate. Yet I was determined not to allow the outside world to distract me.

Issuing a single crack, the whooshing sound and the slight snap of my wrist was highlighted by her beautifully lilting moan.

After I cracked the slender wood across both ass cheeks again, she pushed up from the bed, gasping for air.

"I almost lost you," I told her, further surprising myself. "Unacceptable."

She was quivering, twisting back and forth but I could tell my admittance both surprised and pleased her.

"Ten more and I think you will have learned your lesson." I brought the cane down twice more, my hand already itching from the experience.

"Oh… my… God."

"The cane, something so small and insignificant looking can be one of the most effective methods for punishing a woman. It takes a special technique to be able to handle the powerful instrument with care. I like to think of myself as an expert."

She threw her head over her shoulder, glaring at me through unfocused eyes. "Get on with it."

All I had to do was lift a single finger and she darted her tongue across her bottom lip before sticking it out entirely.

The woman could always make me laugh. I caressed her welted bottom for a few seconds before doling out three on the next round.

"Fuck. Me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

"Beautiful women like you should never use such foul language." I was teasing of course, something else rare for me. The draw to her was almost as powerful as the need to be dominating but when I brought the cane down again, my feelings for her overwhelmed me.

I wasn't certain why, but it was as if the last twenty-four hours had changed everything.

Almost stumbling backward, I was more than surprised with my sudden reaction. My father had told me that I could play with women in my youth, treating them as objects with no guilt or remorse. But when I'd finally grown up, finding a woman worthy of spending the rest of my life with, the same needs would no longer apply.

This was the moment his profound thought sank in.

Yes, Caroline deserved the punishment. Hell, if things had gone differently, I could be at the point of calling her parents, telling them she'd been abducted or worse. Still, I was more than eager to get the heavy round of discipline over with.

So I did, my thoughts moving to how I would soon nurture her as the marks built on her raised bottom.

And when the deed was done, I took a deep breath, holding it in as I caressed her soft skin once again. I didn't like the fact I suddenly felt the need to be alone, even for a little while.

"Stay here. I'll be right back and I mean do not move. Understood?"

"Why, yes, sir. I need time to recover anyway. Sniffle. Sniffle."

Aleksander's words remained just in the back of my mind. Just thinking about Tonja was enough to put me in another dark place. It always did.

I headed into the bathroom, turning on only a few of the lights. After starting the water in the tub, I waited until it was the perfect temperature before placing the stopper. I stood staring at the running water as it started to fill the clawfoot tub. It had been something Tonja had insisted on. She'd liked the old-style bathtubs since she was a kid.

Exhaling, seconds later, I searched until I found bubble bath, adding a solid amount. Taking a bath together had been something my wife had introduced me to, something she'd called a truly relaxing experience.

I hadn't run water for a bath for anyone since her death.

Since her… murder.

The few women I'd allowed inside this house had never made it to the second floor. Sighing, when the tub was just full enough, I returned to the bedroom, gathering her into my arms as I'd done before.

"Where are you taking me?" Caroline asked.

"Shush. Good things come to those who wait."

"I'm not a patient woman. I thought you knew that by now."

I grinned. "That's my line."

"So, I stole it."

She was so playful. When I walked her into the bathroom, she gave me a huge smile. "Are you taking one with me?"

I gently knelt, easing her into the water.

"Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch."

"The sting will pass, my cherished one," I told her. "And no, enjoy your bath and I'll bring you a glass of wine. I'll hunt up something for dinner."

She studied my eyes, even opening her mouth to say something but nodded.

I tossed her the netting ball from the shower, trying to act nonchalant but it was tough. This brought back unwanted memories. When I turned away, I felt a tremendous tug on my heart, both from feelings from the past and from the present.

"Why do you think you killed your wife?"

The question was out of the blue. She seemed to know me far too well, realizing what I was thinking and feeling.

"Why does it matter?" I asked in retort.

"Because it affects everything you do including with me. You're a man ridden with guilt and that's why the moment we get close, you always pull back. Just trust me, Vadim."

"As I said, I do." I scrubbed my jaw, trying to find the words that wouldn't gut either one of us. It was interesting how tough that was.

"Please trust me. I care about you."

Suddenly, the words just flowed. "Tonja had to take Sofiya to the doctor. She was running a high fever, was crying uncontrollably and my wife hadn't gotten much sleep. I hadn't either given a near war that had escalated with the Irish mob. I'm not using that as an excuse, but we were both drained. She begged me to come with her. I adamantly refused. I was even ugly about it. I was horrible enough to tell her that she had one job, caring for our daughter."

She said nothing as I sighed, trying to regroup.

"Anyway, she called Daniella's mom, hoping she could come with her. Fortunately, Danni was with her babysitter. Anyway, Daniella's father insisted on coming as well. Tonja left in a huff and I made phone calls. Fucking phone calls."

"You don't have premonitions. You couldn't have known."

"Maybe, but I should have known better than to allow her out of my sight. The mood in the city was horrific, syndicates at each other's throats. It was a bad time. I even ignored one call from Tonja about an hour or so later, figuring she was just calling to tell me she was on the way home. It was a mistake. My Capo called only ten minutes later and said my wife's vehicle had been targeted. One of my enemies had managed to cut her off from the men assigned to follow her. By the time they got there, she was… She was already dead, her body riddled with bullets. So were Danni's parents."

"Oh, God."

"Yeah. Our final words were ones of anger, not that we loved each other. She had to ask friends for help, unable to count on her husband."

"And Sofiya?" Caroline asked oh-so quietly.

"She was okay, left unharmed in the backseat."

"Did you find out who did it?"

I found myself laughing, still not able to turn around and face her. "I almost beat the shit out of the Irish mob leader at the time, but it was a former soldier I'd fired. He knew the routine with my wife and he knew how best to destroy me as he'd said I had his life."

"Jesus."

"Yeah. All because I'd caught him drinking on the job."

"What did you do to him?"

I thought about her question. She wanted the truth about me so she might as well have it. "I gutted him like a pig and I enjoyed every moment of it."

Caroline

It wasn't every day that a man told you he was responsible for the deaths of his wife and her friends. His admittance had bothered me and while I could understand his feelings of guilt, he hadn't been the reason the asshole had taken any of the three lives.

Should the fact getting close to him was a dangerous proposition bother me? Maybe. At least that's what rational people would do but I wasn't that woman. I had been or so I'd thought but the truth was that I'd just stopped living. I'd existed, trying to be a good girl like Daddy had taught me while the bold streak in me had managed to get out by the way of hacking.

See where that had gotten me.

The bath had been amazing, the wine some of the best I'd ever had. Vadim had even brought in a candle, but I'd known he wasn't staying. He was shrinking back into the dark prison he'd placed himself into. I knew that.

Sighing, I was determined not to get sad all over again, as I'd done while taking the bath. I'd taken so long the water had nearly gotten cold but it had been the most luxurious thing I'd experienced in a long time.

Maybe it was time to face facts that he could never just be with me. He'd always be with the ghost of his wife.

He certainly had a reminder in Sofiya. She was a dead ringer for her mother. And Daniella must also keep the wounds fresh. God, I hated thinking this way.

My bestie, who I hadn't talked to in ages, would tell me to try harder to get my man. But could he ever be my man?

Groaning, I tied the sash on my robe, not feeling like dressing at this point and certainly not in anything other than my favorite ratty pair of sweats and a tee shirt that had been washed until it was completely faded out. What I craved was very simple.

Chinese takeout food and a movie. Maybe even falling asleep on the couch. It had been both my comfort food and my peaceful enjoyment, getting my mind off whatever was going on. Well, if he did manage to wrangle up something for dinner, it would be because he'd forced one of his chefs to come back and prepare a gourmet meal. How could I tell him that's not something I could stomach?

Caviar and lobster? Not this girl.

Give me a huge pizza slathered in pepperoni and cheese, a bucket full of Kung Pao chicken, or even a hot submarine from one of the big gasoline franchises and I was happy. Of course, it would need to be smothered with extra cheese slices, jalapenos, and avocado to be perfect along with a bag of barbecue chips. Now that was junk food extraordinaire.

I was almost able to laugh as I left the room. I couldn't see the man eating much more than filet of beast or maybe prime rib, both rare as could be. Yep, he was a meat and potatoes kind of guy. As I headed down the stairs, I listened to ensure we were still alone.

I stopped at the bottom, struggling to figure out what I was hearing. That couldn't be music. I'd never known him to enjoy music. He'd rolled his eyes when Sofiya, Daniella, and I had been frolicking in the pool to whatever heavy metal band or eighties band Daniella liked at the time.

After taking a few more steps, I realized the artist I was hearing. Andrea Bocelli. I was a closet classic lover, including aspects of opera. He'd been one of my favorites through the years. This was so unexpected.

So was the glorious scent that drew me in the opposite direction of his office, his usual perching grounds. What was it? Definitely not lobster and caviar. I took cautious steps and I wasn't certain why I was acting like some boob.

The mouthwatering scent led me to the dining room. I didn't know he used it but there on the table was a feast meant for twenty, maybe thirty people. "What the hell?" As I walked inside, I was struck almost immediately by the cartons. Not only had he called in takeout food but there was Chinese and pizza and…

I walked closer, squealing like a kid. It was all my favorites and then some, several bags of chips and cookies and three kinds of pizza, including my beloved pepperoni and extra cheese. And Kung Pao chicken!

"How? I don't…" I couldn't even finish the sentence.

"Don't you remember the sweet sixteen birthday party I threw for Sofiya?"

His voice was different than the anguished one from before. I had to think about what he was getting at. I laughed so loudly I placed my hand across my mouth. I'd been an opinionated little bitch back then, insisting I handle the food arrangements.

"Oh, my God. I thought you were going to blow a gasket that night. You had a room full of guests and Sofiya managed somehow to convince you to allow me to choose the food for the evening and for all the guests. When a handful of delivery drivers showed up expecting money and a tip, you didn't budge." I turned around to face him.

He chuckled. "I was pissed as shit but do you want to know something funny?"

"What?" I walked closer.

"I'd never seen my two daughters happier in all my years. All the expensive gifts I'd purchased, the birthdays that I'd thrown with fabulous caterers hadn't meant anything in comparison to them being able to enjoy food I never thought they should have. You were determined, including having five kinds of ice cream brought in for the birthday cake. You even picked out the music, switching it to some heavy metal band when I wasn't looking."

"You were angry enough I thought you were going to shatter everything glass in the house. At least your guests didn't seem to mind."

"Mind? Several of them told me as they were leaving it was the best party they'd attended in years." He took two steps closer. "So I wasn't angry for long. Maybe I learned that night that simple could be better."

"But how did you know this was my favorite food?"

"Because you had such a strong relationship with my daughters that you would never even think about suggesting food they didn't like. That meant you had to love it too. Oh, I might have five kinds of ice cream in the freezer too."

I threw my arms around him, pressing my face into his chest. "I love you, Vadim. You did this for me? It's so special. I love it. Just love it. Thank you." When he stiffened and remained quiet at the same time, I realized what I'd said. I froze, hating myself for feeling too free around him. As I pulled away, I couldn't seem to look in his eyes. I didn't want to see disappointment in them. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it. I just was caught up in the moment."

I pulled away, turning around immediately.

But he was having none of it, jerking me around to face him and driving me against the heat of his body. "You better have meant it, zavetnyy . Because I'm never going to let you go. Not under any circumstances or for any reason. I'm tired of playing the fool. No longer. Get that through your pretty little head of yours. You're all mine."

The kiss was rough and brief but exactly what I needed. When he pulled back, I was lightheaded all over again.

"I'm glad," I managed, my heart racing.

"Where do you want to eat our feast?" he asked, although the sound was more of growl.

"In front of the fire and the television on the floor?" I bit my lower lip, never thinking he'd go for my suggestion.

He laughed, shaking his head. "You will never change and I'm so glad you won't. You're exactly the way you should be. The floor in front of the television watching goofy movies it is. And if you're a very good girl, I might allow you to fall asleep there just like you used to."

The past was a strange thing, with its memories. Some good. Some bad. But without the memories, the future would never be so sweet.

And this man was definitely my future.