11. Kandi

eleven

Every time I look at her, I remember the way she felt on my lap, and the guilt flares up again. I should have been more gentle with how I rebuffed her. Anything would have been better than flinching away from her. So rude. That's not me. I'm not like that, but just as she leaned forward, I remembered the feel of his boot hitting my face. I didn't want her to see my scars. Which is ridiculous. They're hardly visible. I just…care what she thinks. Which is new and terrifying.

I don't even care what Sven thinks.

Not the problem, Kandi.I remind myself. Sven and Adrian are really carefully not looking at each other. Jade is on the couch, staring into space with this blank expression that makes me feel itchy.

How the fuck did this creeper find her, and why can't I find any record of a Trevor. Who is this man?

"All right, let's talk."

The doorbell rings, and Jade shrinks into her blankets. For a moment, I just stare, all thought obliterated from my mind. My nails pierce my palms, and my chest is so tight drawing a breath is hard. Nope, I'm not okay with this at all.

Adrian goes to the door and comes back with enough food to feed the four of us for days. He hands out plastic forks and drags a huge coffee table in front of the couch. He and Sven sit on the floor and start taking lids off containers.

Idiots.

Well, I'm not afraid of her. I sit beside the silent omega. She doesn't move, so I bump her with my shoulders.

"Eat."

She makes a hissing sound, but the blankets come down from her shoulders, and she blinks at the food.

When she doesn't move, Sven makes a sound of annoyance and puts a plate in her lap. He then passes one to me.

I used to hate it when he made my plates for me, but after a long talk with Missy, I came to accept that it was his way of saying he cared. Still, sometimes it bothers me. Today is not one of those days.

Perhaps I stay silent because of my love for him. The same way I don't push when it comes to the doctor. Adrian is as silent as the omega, eating with no interest. I study his dark hair and the tense line of his shoulders. He's wearing down. He didn't look like this a year ago.

I wonder how he feels. I often find myself wondering how much Sven and I hurt him. Why does he stay? Apparently, he's been pushed too far.

"So, let's have an honest conversation," I say.

"We don't have to," Adrian starts but cuts off when I glare.

I look at my boyfriend. "Sven, what are you doing?"

He peers up at me and glances down again. We both know what I mean. "Eating."

I let out a growl.

"You kissed him last night and agreed to try so that it would get him to stay," I say with no inflection.

Sven puts his plate down and lifts his eyes to meet mine. He's silently telling me to leave it alone. He's giving me an order as my boss. But I can't because I can't watch him hurt Adrian or Jade.

"Then you ran."

Sven's jaw works. "I don't run."

"Looked like running," I say and point my fork at him. "You got scared, and you ran."

"I do not run," Sven growls out.

"Adrian was waiting for you. Imagine how he felt. You begged him to stay, he agreed, and then you ran. Cold, Alpha, really cold." I'm pushing all the buttons I promised I'd never push. I'm being that girlfriend, the one I never wanted to be.

"So, we all want to know why. But I know you're not going to tell us. Let's not waste our time here. None of us are equipped to protect Jade. I can't do it alone. You're the best. We need you here. You saw that Trevor found her here, and, Sven…"

He glares at me. I let him see how worried I am.

"I can't find him."

Sven sits up straighter. "What do you mean?"

"I mean Trevor Lockier doesn't exist."

I reach out and cover Jade's hand with mine. "We're not giving up, and we are the best. Sven was military. He trained me. We will find him."

"He won't stop," Jade whispers.

"That's okay. Neither do we," Sven growls.

Adrian scratches his chin. "I think I should-"

"You should stay with us. She will need you," I say over the top of him. "Jade needs you, Alpha. Not Missy or her pack, not anyone else in the company. She needs Sven because he's the best. She needs me because I'm trained, skilled, and logical, and she needs you because you are a doctor. The only person on the planet or even in this city that she trusts right now is you."

Adrian frowns and shoves another mouthful of what looks like meatballs into his mouth. But he appears to be choking on it.

"Fine," Sven agrees. "It has to be here, though. It's the biggest place. Mine is a fishbowl."

"That's because you don't want a home. You need a place to dump your things," I snap at him. "Mine is not practical. So, here is perfect."

"Fantastic," Adrian murmurs. "There are three bedrooms-"

"Unnecessary, we're going to-"

"Sleep in the bedroom with both of you," I say over the top of Sven.

He stares at me like I"ve groan another head. "That's-"

"Perfect, I knew you'd agree. With all the windows, we need to protect both Jade and Adrian."

Sven looks from me to the omega he's ignoring and swallows hard. I know him well enough to see how hard he's fighting this. He wants her more than he wants air, but at this point, I think the idiot man would rather starve.

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" Adrian asks.

"Well, we'll find out. My heat starts in a week." Jade drops the bomb, stands up, and walks out of the room.

It takes me until I hear Sven choking to turn away from her. Her heat's coming. Her heat is coming. It's hard to swallow. I finally manage to get a look at Sven.

He's coughing violently, his face red. Adrian is thumping him on the back. The alpha doesn't look at all surprised by her outburst.

"Did you know?" I ask.

"Well, it's been five weeks. It was bound to happen at some point," Adrian says matter-of-factly.

"Can you stop it?" Sven blurts once he recovers from choking.

Adrian and I go still. I can't believe what I'm hearing. Did he really ask that?

"What would you have me do? Drown her in experimental suppressants? Or perhaps we should find a pack to take care of her."

Sven shudders and growls. "No. But this will cross a line. We won't be able to take it back if we do."

"I think we've already crossed that line, babe," I snap in my most bitchy tone, but come the fuck on? Can we stop it? Is he for fucking real right now?

Sven pulls a face at me, and I smile easily back, not meaning it in the slightest. I always wondered if Adrian gets jealous of my relationship with Sven. He never shows it, but I check his expression now. He looks thoughtful, but he's not even paying attention to us. His eyes are on the hallway.

"She must be scared," he murmurs.

I frown. I could learn to love Adrian, but in the way I love my brother. Well, no, not exactly the same. But my feelings are purely platonic. I do not want to have sex with him, and I know he feels the same. But I can see the growing feelings on his face. He cares deeply for the omega.

So, why is he fighting it?

All three of us are fighting it, and the only one who isn't is that tiny, little, misplaced omega who hasn't let a savage beating change her.

I get up and wander into the bedroom, finding her curled up on her side under the blankets. Her gaze is fixed on the wall.

I hesitate. I don't want to be vulnerable, nor do I want to share this memory, but I need to give her something.

"I was beaten really badly over a year ago. The person who did it stole my best friend. It was really frightening, but more than that, I have trouble forgiving myself for not being faster or smarter. She could have died, they all could have. Because I got complacent. I can't imagine how awful it must be knowing he is out there still."

"It is. It's like constantly waiting for him to show up." She pauses. "I'm sorry about your attack, but I'm glad you're here now."

The silence is brittle between us.

"But that's not what's got you down tonight, is it?" I murmur and stroke her hair back. I slide down the bed to lie facing her. "What's wrong, Jade?"

Her eyes shine as tears gather in them. "My life. That's what's wrong. Perhaps you should let him have me."

"Never," I hiss viciously. "If we don't figure this out between us, we're going to get you a whole life. You can live for yourself."

Jade shakes her head, and it's clear she doesn't believe me. "My parents wanted this perfect version of me. I had long hair, dark brown. I was taught how to speak and moderate my tones, what I could like, needlework and sewing, how to dress, how to breathe. They smothered everything that was me. The thing that drove me higher and higher towards reaching these impossible goals was how disappointed they were in me. It's stupid now, I realise I couldn't reach them. But I tried for so long."

I reach out and cover her hand with mine.

"At the Omega Meet, I got to meet other omegas like me. I met some alphas who were really kind. They weren't mine, but they helped me. I realised that my parents' idea for me was insane, unattainable, impossible. It was like they'd been telling me that if I just grew up believing hard enough, that if I just willed it, I'd grow wings and fly. I did everything perfectly, and I never could get there. So, obviously, there was something wrong with me. I started to push back. I cut my hair and dyed it, and I just felt like me. Small changes, little things," Jade says passionately. "I started pulling away the bindings of who they'd made me and-"

Jade stops, her body shuddering, curling in on itself.

"What?" I prompt, my heart clenching, and my nose twitching at the pain in her scent. Hell, I don't even have the scenting abilities of the alphas, and her pain is all I can breathe.

"They hated everything about me. They couldn't stand having me around. My mother called me vulgar. She said I was a disgrace. I overheard her telling Trevor he could have me and beat the nonsense out of me."

I still, my rage turning cold. "Your mother gave you to him. You had no one on your side, did you? There wasn't a cousin, brother, your father? No one came to save you?"

"My parents said I'd failed them. My mother said she didn't want me." Her voice is tiny, angry, but so full of pain.

Four words that rip open my heart and remake me. She didn't want me. My omega has spent her whole life feeling unwanted, and here we are, doing to her exactly what everyone else did.

I close my eyes at the wave of self-loathing that fills me. "It isn't personal, Jade. Please believe me. You are perfect, beautiful, incredible. An omega any pack would worship."

She smiles bitterly. "Any pack but this one, right?"

"We aren't a pack," I say sadly. "That's the whole problem. We're broken pieces that don't fit right."

"But you could, and you all know it. It feels right. Hazel said to me you have to trust your instincts, and look at her. Her pack took her in. They'd rejected her for five years. If they can do it, we can."

"It's different with them. They are an established back," I mumble regretfully.

I don't want to agree with her because I know she's partially right. It has always felt easy between the three of us. Why is that? Would it upset me if Sven fucked him? If he loved this omega?

No. It wouldn't. At all.

Could this omega be right? Are we a pack?

But no. We're too broken. Sven will never take the plunge, and Adrian has nothing but Sven.

"I'm so sorry, Jade, but it's just not in the cards for us," I whisper.

She rolls over, pulling the blanket up. I lay there until she falls asleep, and then I get up, searching for my alpha.

I crouch down in front of him and stare.

He scowls at me and shoves at my shoulder from where he's laying on the couch. Adrian is gone. I'm relieved. I don't want him to witness this conversation.

"What do you want, Candice?"

"Don't call me that."

"Montford pack call you that."

"Sunny is my brother. They"re allowed to." We've had this conversation a thousand times. It feels different now, knowing what's coming. My heart aches.

"Fine. Kandi, babe, what's going on?"

I let my eyes wander the room because I'm nervous as hell to ask this. "Were you ever going to give me a bond?"

Sven sits up so quickly it makes me sit back on my heels.

"Where the fuck did that question come from?" he barks a little too loudly.

"I just want to know. Was it in the cards or not?"

"Why not ask if I was going to marry you?"

"Marriages can be dissolved or we can get divorced, but bonds are forever," I explain while I watch his face intently for clues.

Sven scowls and sits back, clearly trying to get as much space as he can. My stomach sinks. I was right. He's never going to be able to commit. Not to me. Not to Adrian, and not to Jade.

"Fuck," I whisper and stand up. I pace away from him, needing distance.

"What's the matter? Why are you asking now?" Sven comes up behind me, sliding his arms around me and leaning his chin on my shoulder. "We don't need bonds to be happy. Do we? And we are happy. Aren't we?"

"Yes. We were really happy," I say, my heart breaking a little inside.

"It's easy between us. We're the same. You and I understand each other. You never wanted anything more."

No. I hadn't. I really, truly hadn't ever wanted more than him, not until her. Is it because I knew he couldn't give me more? Did I just accept and make myself happy with the scraps he could give me?

"Sven."

"No! Dont fucking do this. Just don't. It's not fair. It's not right. We were good together."

"She needs me," I say softly. "And I want more now."

"So you'd choose her over me?" I can see in his eyes that he doesn't mean that.

I reach out and cup his cheek, trying to show how much I love him.

"Sven, you don't need me. You have Adrian and her and me. If you would only open your eyes and realise it. I'm not choosing her. She's alone. She's got no one. Right now, until we find somewhere permanent for her, I'm saying I'm not going to hurt her. Or Adrian. Which means I can't be in this thing with you while you keep rejecting them."

Sven goes silent, but he's dropped his arms from me, and I feel the withdrawal like a blow.

"I love you," I whisper. "I always will. But I can't be with you if you can't love us both. If you can't love us the way we, Addy as well, deserve."

Sven lets out a deep growl, turns, and storms out of the house. And there's nothing surprising about that at all.