3. Homewrecking Skank

HOMEWRECKING SKANK

I 'm so mad I feel like my body is going to explode. As soon as we got back to the house, I pulled off my clothes, the new outfit I'd just bought, and threw myself down on the bed to have a good cry. Doug didn't even come to check on me, so after fifteen minutes, I went out to see what he was doing.

He was playing around on his phone at a time like this, and that just pissed me off even more. How could he not know what I was feeling? "Aren't you mad?" He almost jumped out of his skin at the sound of my voice and put his phone away.

"Mad about what?"

"Doesn't the court say something about her having to be there for the handoff?"

"I don't recall seeing anything about that, and besides, it was one time, so what's the big deal?" I stomped off to the kitchen because he wasn't getting it.

He disappeared into the room that he'd turned into an office, which was perfect because I needed some alone time. I got on my computer and sat up in bed facing the door, so I would know if he was coming.

I scrolled through her social media, something I do every once in a while just because I could. She hadn't really posted anything much lately, but there were pictures from the party the day before. I felt that same adrenaline rush I get whenever I'm about to take a peek into her life without her knowing.

Everyone was there, the family that was supposed to be mine by now. His parents and siblings were beaming in all the pictures, and so was she. I'd never really looked at her before in the past, except to compare our bodies, but now I noticed that she had lost the baby fat.

When I first met him, she was just coming off of having their son, and then she got pregnant not long after, so I'm accustomed to seeing that either post-baby or pre-baby, but she didn't look like that now.

I scoured all the pictures to see if she and Doug stood close to each other in any of them, but they never did. My eyes kept coming back to her smile. What the fuck did she have to be so happy about?

In all the pictures, only Doug looks unhappy. He was probably mad because I wasn't invited. I kept scrolling backward and realized she had removed the pictures of their weddings and everything else that did not include their kids. Good! It bothers me immensely to see them at a happier time.

Still, she needs to remove those pictures of him and their son because she's giving people the wrong impression. She doesn't allow us to post pictures on social media with Kevin. She claims it wasn't her that got the ones we put up removed, and Doug's sister even took the blame for her, but I know it was her, the vindictive bitch.

On the other hand, I know she doesn't follow either of us, not even from a dummy account, because I have my ways of knowing who visits my page, but she could've easily heard it from someone else and acted.

I told Doug to ask her about it, and she claimed that, as the father, he was within his rights to do it, so why did she have them removed? It's because she felt threatened by me, of course, and that's exactly what I told Doug at the time.

Why does she get to post pictures with Doug in them on her page when we can't do the same? Why is everyone being so unfair? Jacob didn't even acknowledge my presence. We were cool when he thought I was just someone Doug worked with, but as soon as he learned about the affair, he'd turned cold and distant.

Even the few friends who had hung around for a little while after had distanced themselves, most of whom were at the party. Everyone acts like she's a saint, but I know she's behind it all. She's out to ruin my life to the point that even some of our coworkers have changed toward us. And it's all her doing.

She has to play the victim; oh, woe is me. Everyone is always saying how brave she is and how graceful she handled everything. I guess some of them found out about the messages and NSFW pictures I'd sent her during the divorce and were holding that against me.

To this day, I'm not even sure why I did it, I guess I wanted to get a rise out of the cold bitch, but even then, she didn't even react, and I don't think she ever told Doug because he never brought it up to me.

I went back to the pictures of the party. Little Sarah was getting so big. Soon, she'd be able to be here for overnight stays, and Doug could stop missing his kids. I think I should bring up fifty-fifty custody again. Since that bitch has so much support, she could handle a little drama.

I don't like the fact that she's smiling so soon after everything came to an end, while Doug still has times of doubt and hurt. I hate when he does that. Like he doesn't realize he won the prize.

RACHEL

"Okay, sick it up. That's right." I couldn't lift my head from the toilet bowl as Jacob rubbed my back supportively. When is this shit going to end? Why do I still feel this riot of emotions each time I see my ex? I thought by now that I'd be over it already, but it just keeps happening.

Jacob helped me up from the floor and helped me to the sink where I cleaned myself up and headed back to the living room. The kids were already in bed, thanks to Jacob, which was good because I did not have the emotional bandwidth right now.

"I thought this would be over. I thought after the divorce that I would be over it, but it still hurts."

"Actually, you're doing better. There were no tears this time, and I didn't have to scrape you off the floor." He smiled cheekily.

"That's true, but I still feel like hell. I just want this to be over. I don't understand why I still feel anything but hate for him after what he did to my kids and me. Am I just damaged or what?"

"No. I'm sure your therapist has told you that this is normal."

"She has. Thank you for making me go, by the way. It's been more helpful than I imagined it would be. She's been helping me to work through things. I didn't even know I had PPD until she mentioned it. It was not a bad case, just the normal wear and tear from carrying another human and then pushing that human out of my body. The sleepless nights and the merry-go-round of taking care of a baby while running after a toddler all day."

"You're doing fine. If you need any help, you know we're always here for you."

"Yeah, I know, thanks, but I'd feel cruddy asking for more than everyone is already doing. I'm actually thinking of looking for a work-from-home position, something to give me financial freedom, but I'm not sure how that's going to work since I don't want to put the baby in daycare."

"Kevin will be starting Pre-K this fall, so that's good, but little Sarah still needs me."

"Why don't you look for something part-time then? Maybe something you can do at night when the kids are in bed?"

"Yeah, I'll think about it some more, but I think I need to do something with my time to get out of this rut."

"I thought the gym was working?"

"It is, but I feel bad every time I go there because my ex-mother-in-law has to watch the kids while I go."

"That's easily fixed. Why don't you turn part of the basement into a home gym?" The only thing down there used to be Doug's man cave. I haven't stepped foot down there since he left. I looked at Jacob now, ready to deny the suggestion, but then it hit me.

Doug was not coming back, so what was the purpose of the room? "You might have a point. I don't need much. Just a treadmill and some weights, I guess." The idea was actually growing on me, and my excitement only grew more when I picked up my laptop and started looking at home gyms.

I wanted to start small and work my way up, but Jacob had other ideas. Before I knew it, he had me ordering a Bow flex, a treadmill, and a pull-up tower." I balked when I saw the price, and he just nonchalantly said he'd pay half.

"No, I can't ask you to do that; that's insane."

"Don't sweat it. You're the mother of my Godchildren; your health is important to me."

"Okay, but you've got to let me repay you in monthly installments or something."

"Fine, if that's what would make you feel better, then by all means. But it's not necessary; you know I can easily afford it."

"I know, but that's not the issue. I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage. You and the others have been so good to me and the kids."

"That's what friends are supposed to do."

"Yes, but you were Doug's friends first, long before any of you met me."

"We were friends with the man we thought he was. He's not that man anymore, so the friendships have changed. It has nothing to do with you, really. It's all him. His choices and who he chose to be."

That night alone in bed I thought a lot about what Jacob said. It's something I've been battling with for a while now. How had someone I thought I knew become a completely different person almost overnight?

I've asked myself that question a million times. I've looked at myself for the answers, sometimes blaming myself and sometimes laying the blame squarely at his feet, but I know the truth is in the middle somewhere.

It's weird how calm I was the day Doug confessed because I haven't felt any of that calmness since then. I think I was in shock, to be honest, and besides, I didn't want my son to see me melting down. The pain I felt, I swallowed because I had my kids to take care of.

But at night, like now, when I'm alone with my thoughts, the pain is unbearable. Jacob is right, though; it doesn't cut as deep as it once did, but I want it all gone. I feel like my life has been in a rut since the divorce, while my ex-husband gets to move on and start a new life.

I don't regret my kids, but I'd be lying if I said I don't regret the man I chose to be their father. There's a hole in my heart for my kids and for the broken home that will be their reality for the rest of their lives.

My children will never have the same safe secure upbringing I did, and I know how very much that is needed. That's my biggest fear, truth be told. I'm not so much worried about myself; I've sworn off men for the foreseeable future, but my kids, how am I going to raise them alone without a father?

The gnawing pain in my gut wasn't as bad as it usually is. It looks like Jacob had the right idea when he told me I should leave before they got here today. He knew, or suspected, how hard it was for me, and I'd had to beg him not to say anything to Doug about it when he threatened to confront him.

I know that's what she wants, Wendy. Any excuse to make me the villain, but I have no interest in fighting with her for the man who threw me and his children away. I know my pain stems from what could've been.

I hurt for the dream that died. All the broken promises and my blind trust in another human being. It's one of the worst lessons in life, but it's one that countless men and women have navigated and come out better on the other side. I'm just wishing my time comes sooner rather than later because this is as close to hell as I'd ever want to get.

The feeling of not being enough, at having failed at something so monumentally important. It's thanks to the therapist that I'm realizing that the fault wasn't in me. That cheaters are going to cheat no matter how good you are or how much of yourself you give. It's a defect in them and not me.

I've slowly come to realize from all the books and podcasts that cheaters suffer from some semblance of NPD or ASPD because only a narcissist or sociopath would do these horrible things to someone they promised to love and cherish.

I've seen some nauseating things from these horrible people, like my ex and his new love, about people falling in and out of love, and you can't choose who you fall in love with. But wasn't he in love with me when he asked me to marry him?

Why, then, did he enter my life just to destroy it? For as long as I live, I'll carry his betrayal with me wherever I go. And the hardest part is that I did my best in my marriage as a wife and a mother. And my best wasn't good enough.