Chapter 18

Chapter

Eighteen

MIRANDA

T here he was!

Miranda weaved her way through the crowd to where the seer stood near the exit. Her heart hammered. Her limbs felt jittery.

It was time. She was ready. Finally .

She made her way over to him quickly. No one stopped her or even noticed.

"Seer—"

"Rogeth did not frame Govek."

Miranda jerked to a halt at the seer's words. Her mind worked to switch gears. "O-okay?"

"But I cannot see who did," the seer whispered.

Miranda shook her head. This wasn't what she wanted to speak on now. "Seer, I think—no, I know I'm ready."

He turned his head toward her. His cloudy eyes looked right through her for a few seconds.

"You are close, but you are not there. "

Her stomach dropped. That couldn't be right. "But I won . We won. I got justice here. I feel fantastic. If we dredge now, I know it will work."

The seer's brow screwed up. "You think that momentary elation would stand against bone-deep grief?"

Her jaw trembled and her eyes stung and she couldn't catch a breath. The excitement from winning began to dim. "But... but I sat on the log like you told me to and let all this happen. I thought that would get me ready. Or at least ready long enough to dredge."

"You still aren't ready, Miranda."

Frustration snapped her up. "Why did you make us go through all that if it wasn't going to get me ready to dredge? Why make me work so hard when you could have just spoken for us and ended it all, even before this judgment started?"

"That is not how the Fades work, Miranda." The seer's voice was unyielding and cold. "I did not know this was going to happen. I do not know what will happen next. I see only what the Fades show and not a speck more."

"Seer, I've been working so hard . I don't think about it every hour of the day and I've made sleeping properly and eating well a priority. I've been controlling the grief like I'm supposed to. I even got through the whole day yesterday without thinking about Earth once ." Well... almost.

"Didn't I tell you that avoiding it wasn't the answer?"

Her stomach dropped.

He sighed heavily. "You are not ready. You need more time."

No. No. "I don't have more time. I have to find them now . They need me." Her throat grew tight and her eyes burned. Her mind wailed all the way back to Earth. To the desolation and the heat and the crushing weight and the screaming of her babies in her mind.

They hadn't died there. They hadn't.

The seer's brow grew tight. "Do you mean the family you asked after in the woods?"

"Yes. My babies ." Miranda tried to keep her voice hush so none of the mingling orcs around them noticed but it was difficult—so difficult. "The kids that I took care of. That's what I want to know. I have to know what happened to them. It's driving me crazy thinking about them calling for me. For help. And that I didn't go back for them. I just left for the ocean and I didn't..."

The seer said nothing, only blinked, and she managed to take a few shaky breaths. "They must have made it here like I did. I have to find them. You can tell me where they are. Please ."

"That's not what this is about."

"But... but that's the only thing that matters?—"

"That isn't what this is about, Miranda," the seer said slowly. "The Fades, they want me to know of the memories you lost. They will not show me things that you could not possibly know."

Her whole body went cold. Quaking. A ringing sounded in her ears as the world around her dimmed.

"I can only dredge from things that you yourself have experienced, Miranda." The seer inhaled sharply. "And I sense no children within those memories. Only you and... chaos. "

"No." Her voice didn't sound like her own. "No. That can't... you're supposed to tell me... "

"I am very sorry, Miranda, for the horrors you have suffered, but what you ask for is beyond my ability."

She could not think. Could not move. Was not even aware that the seer had bid her goodbye and left her standing there, right next to the doors.

"Miranda?"

She had to get out of here. Right now. She had to escape.

"Miranda, are you well?"

Miranda's heart thundered in her ears. She spun and ran out of the hall into the too bright daylight.

"Miranda, stop!" Govek was right at her side, following closely. He matched her stride as she made a fast clip along the path back to their home.

She wished he wouldn't. She wished he had stayed in the hall, enjoyed the win he'd earned, basked in the revelry of his victory.

A victory she would never have.

Earth was gone.

Her babies were gone.

They . . . they hadn't lived.

Her chest felt like it was being ripped in two, like her heart was cracking apart. Her mind reeled and her throat closed around a wail?—

"Miranda, stop!" Govek demanded, even as she picked up the pace. The houses here were vacant, and the stretch leading to Govek's home was lonely. Desolate.

Just like how Earth had been in those final days.

"Miranda!" Govek gripped her shoulders and forced her to turn around. She looked at the middle of his chest, trying to push the burning guilt down so she could speak past it.

Please go back to the hall. Please talk to your friends. Please celebrate the way you deserve to. Please leave me to wallow and scream and fall apart on my own.

But Govek didn't. It wasn't in his nature. "My love ." He got to his knees before her. "I—" He stopped when his eyes met hers. She was certain he could see her soul cracking apart as sorrow ripped her to shreds.

It wasn't fair. None of this was fair.

"What did he say? What did Evythiken say ?"

His voice was clipped with rage and she could not answer him. She couldn't look at him. She didn't want him to be lost in her grief. He should be reveling in his victory.

"Come." He rose to his feet and pulled her along. It helped distract her. The icy air in her lungs tasted too sweet. The world around her was too vivid. The colors were too real. The scent was too lush.

Govek did not say anything until they were home and he'd closed the door behind them. "Speak, Miranda."

She would have laughed at such an order had she been of a mind to do so. Instead, the idea of laughter sent a torrent of horror down her spine. Children's laughter. Young and innocent and turning into horrific screams.

"Come here." He took her hand and brought her to the couch. "Look at me."

She did and in his eyes, she saw true heartbreaking worry. Her eyes flooded. "God, I'm so sorry. You should be celebrating. Please, please go back. Don't let me drag you into this."

"Miranda, you could not drag me anywhere, even if your life depended on it. And there is no other place I would rather be than here."

She shook her head, eyes flooding. "You won't think that when I tell you. "

"You've heard my worst, Miranda. Listened to my truths about Clairton. You held me through it. I will do the same for you. I will not leave you."

She gulped and looked over at the bare embers in the fireplace. The heat of them barely registered. "I'm jealous."

Govek shifted and his brow pinched as if in disbelief. "I love you, Miranda. I would never even dream of choosing another over you. Not Viravia, or Yerina, or any other in the village. And I certainly do not want Iytier's company over your own."

"No." Miranda pressed her palms into her stinging eyes. Her skin prickled and her muscles bunched as she hunched in on herself. "I'm jealous that you... that you won . That you got to win."

He was silent a long moment before clarifying. "You hoped that the judgment would not be in my favor?"

"No." She began to tremble. "No, it's not that. I'm so glad you won. I'm jealous that you... that I can't..."

Govek's hands wrapped around her wrists and pulled her palms from her face.

The dam broke, and her tears coursed hot tracks down her cheeks. "I can never have that. God, Govek. Earth is gone and so are my babies and I'm never going to get any justice for it." She broke off in a sob that wracked her whole body, shivered from the top of her head down to her heels.

And her words flooded out. "It's not fucking fair . The people who killed my planet won't ever have a trial or a judgment. They won't ever come to justice. They got to die quickly and uselessly at fucking best, never to know what happened or what they did. Or worse, god, Govek, what if they lived ?"

The word came out as a wail and she dug her hands into her knees, rocking and rubbing at the wool skirt as if that might ease the pain. "What if they got to live ? What if destroying everything but their perfect little corner was the goal and—oh god. They killed all those babies. My babies ." She covered her face with her palms again. "Josephine and Taylor and Robby. Oh, Robby had a brother who was ten months like Haysik. He'd just started babbling his first words. I can't ?—"

She couldn't get the image of those tiny precious babies out of her fucking head. Their laughter swelled like a sea of fire.

"What if they didn't die quick?" She rocked herself for comfort. "What if they got trapped like me? Without their mommies. What if they screamed and cried and no one came to save them?"

Arms came around her. Warmth. Strength. She clung to it.

"They killed them. They did. And I don't even get to know who they are. I'll never get to hit them or scream or claw their eyes out or make them see what their worthless, horrible greed did to me. To all of us."

"I'm sorry," Govek whispered against the top of her head, rustling her hair. "I'm so sorry, Miranda."

"It's not fair!" Her voice was so shrill it didn't sound like her own. "Why do I get to live when my babies didn't? Why couldn't they have gotten here too? Why do I have to be the one to live without them? I don't think I can do it, Govek! How am I supposed to just keep going when they suffered, and I never went back for them ?"

She sobbed so hard she started coughing. Her nose was clogged, her cheeks wet with tears, her eyes burned and her vision was so blurry she couldn't see anything but the precious faces of the babies she'd loved so dearly. "Why did this happen? Why do I have to accept that I'll never know? It's not fair. "

Govek moved to sit down on the couch and dragged her into his lap. He rocked her and she gripped his shirt in her fists.

"I want to go back," she wailed. "I want to go back and make sure they don't need me . What if they lived? Oh god... I'm horrible, but fuck, I hope they died. I hope it was quick. I can't live with the thought that they suffered. I'm a monster. "

"You are not." Govek gave her a little shake. " You are not ."

"I want to check the daycare... to find their bodies and... oh god ." The images her mind conjured were too painful. She was going to vomit.

"Breathe," Govek demanded of her. "Just breathe, Miranda. Breathe ."

"I can't," she whispered like a mantra. "I can't, I can't."

"Try. Just try. Right here." His hand pressed gently into her chest and the pressure helped her take a breath.

"Why didn't I die too?" Miranda pressed her head onto his shoulder. " It's not fair ."

"I know. I know it isn't. Fades, I wish I had answers, Miranda. I wish... I'm so sorry."

The tremor in Govek's voice brought her a sliver of control. Enough to stop the waves of agony from crushing her. She sobbed and shivered and allowed her mind to dip into the blackened chaos. Allowed every emotion she'd locked away to bellow out in one massive surge. Govek was soaked in her sorrow and only held her tighter. He rode it out with her like a buoy in the storm .

She concentrated on her breathing as the grief swelled and ebbed in waves. This grief she'd tried so hard to hide from by creating a new life, by sleeping on Govek's chest, by concentrating on the trade and the trial and every other distraction Faeda could give her.

By succumbing to the desperate delusion that her babies could somehow have survived and made it to Faeda like she did.

Her babies were gone. She wasn't getting them back. She would not be building a new life for them here.

The vision of the future she'd clung to disintegrated, and in its wake, she was left with uncertainty. Of numbing darkness growing behind her eyes. Exhaustion laced with icy cold sorrow.

"Just breathe," Govek said, voice thick. "Just breathe."

"What do I do now ?" Her voice was hoarse. "Where do I go from here?"

"With me," he said firmly. "You go with me."

She shuddered and coughed to clear the phlegm from her throat so she could gulp air, but she didn't bother with the streaming wetness on her cheeks or under her nose. It didn't matter.

She let out a long breath and whimpered. "I don't deserve you. I should have died, Govek. I should have been the one to die instead of them."

"No," he said so forcefully she felt the word vibrate through her whole body. " No. I do not believe that. This was in the hands of the Fades, Miranda. I know it. I can feel it. I'm certain you can feel it too."

He was right. She could feel it. Like a pulsing at the back of her mind, the beginnings of a blooming headache she could not escape .

"I don't want to do shit for them," she said, anger slicing through her like the jab of a poker. "They could have saved my babies, and they didn't. They let them die ."

He tightened his hold on her. "And you don't have to. In my mind, you have already fulfilled your duty here tenfold. Now you get to choose where you want your life to go."

She already knew where she wanted it to go, but that life was snatched away from her. Ruthlessly destroyed by the seer's truths. "I don't want to choose. I just want my babies back."

"I know," he whispered, and she clung to him.

"I'm just . . . I'm just so tired , Govek."

"Then let me cradle you. I will protect you through this, Miranda. Through this and everything else for the remainder of your days. You need not do anything you do not want to do, and I will throttle any who try to force your hand."

He pulled her in tight and she rested more heavily against him, eyes swimming again. The tears dripped from her nose onto his perfect green skin. "My hero."

He let out a little warm huff of contentment against the top of her head. "Things I can see. Your beautiful hair, the dying fire, the cups I forgot to wash..."

She huffed, eyes heavy as her mind sunk down into the kind of numbness only pure emotional exhaustion could bring. Govek continued to rumble. She went limp against this male she loved so much. She soaked up his comfort as she drifted into unconsciousness.

Miranda couldn't be sure how long she dozed on him, but it was long enough that she felt almost ill from hunger when she awoke. She could taste the need for water at the back of her parched throat. She ignored it and stroked Govek's arm .

He breathed deep, as if rousing, but didn't lift his cheek from her scalp. Her eyes moved to the window to find that the sun was bright and high. The shadows cast by the trees were dark.

"Miranda." He sat up so she could move and stroked her hair. "You are awake?"

"I think so." Her voice was so raw it twinged with every syllable. "How long was I...?"

"A while," he said as she adjusted so she could look at his face. Her eyes were blurry, and her nose stung. He tucked her hair behind her ears as she examined his furrowed brow and tight mouth. "You must be hungry now."

She nodded. She touched her stomach and was surprised she didn't find an empty pit. She hadn't eaten anything yet today. She'd been too nervous before the judgment. "Yeah, and thirsty."

"Do you feel . . . better?"

There was a lot of weight in that question. His brow knitted, and his face was a little pale as he waited for her answer.

The searing rage and the icy guilt still gripped her heart and tore through her guts, but it was duller now. Like the blunt end of a blade, instead of the sharp edge.

"No," she whispered. "And yes. And... I don't know."

He let out a strangled sound that shot remorse through her. She reached out to cup his face in her hands. "I'm so sorry. I wish you hadn't fallen in love with someone so broken . You deserve someone whole and perfect."

His jaw trembled, and his hand came up to cup her chin firmly so she couldn't look away from his gaze. "Don't ever say something like that again. You are perfect for me, Miranda. In every way imaginable."

Tears spilled from her eyes anew. "I-I'm sorry."

His face contorted, and he yanked her in, tucked her face into his neck, tightened his arms around her. "Don't be sorry , Miranda."

"You should be happy. Celebrating. Not stuck here with me while I collapse."

"There is no use in celebrating without you." His mouth was hot and damp against her shoulder. "I would give up a million celebrations crafted by the Fades themselves to have you."

"You're too good for me." Miranda closed her eyes again. She felt anchored, yet weightless. Fuzzy, but cool. Her muscles were sore from sleeping in an odd position.

"I believe it is the opposite way around, Miranda." His warm breath fanned the top of her head. Her hair felt matted, and her skin was sticky.

But as disheveled as she was on the outside, Miranda could feel the storm inside begin to pass. She knew it would creep up on her again. Healing was not linear. But for now, for today, she'd reigned in her sanity.

As if he could sense it, Govek stroked her back, moving his calloused hands along her arms, shoulders, chest, as if he was brushing her off.

And damn , it felt good. It felt like he was wiping away her lingering tension, like he was pulling out the darkness to make room for light.

She let out a long sigh as his fingers splayed into her hair, along her scalp. "W-what are you doing?"

"Soothing," he said. "Is it helping? "

She really didn't deserve him. She opened her eyes to meet his. "Yes. It's helping. I love you."

His face flushed, and he leaned in. She met him halfway, eager for his kiss. Their lips met tenderly. Warmly. She clung to his chest.

When they parted, she could still feel his warmth against her mouth. His love. She went boneless.

And then her stomach grumbled. Loud.

"I'll make you food now." He rose to his feet and took her with him effortlessly.

"Can I walk? I need to pee."

God, she really needed to pee. He set her down, and she rushed toward the bathroom. Her steps were jerky as her limbs protested. How long had she been asleep? She was so sore.

She finished up quickly. The very practical task grounded her, and she rejoined Govek in the kitchen. He was already preparing her meal, and she was too exhausted to do anything but sink down into one of the dining room chairs.

"Thank you." She glanced out into the bright sky. Birds whizzed by the trees, a squirrel hopped from each branch, leaves rained down covering the forest with their color.

Everything inside her was falling apart, but everything outside continued on. Lived their lives. Took every day as it was.

She wanted to do that too. Focus on now and forget everything else. Watch the trees and animals out the window. Breathe in the scent of the bacon Govek was cooking.

To just be here, in their house, in the woods. On Faeda, where nothing could hurt them .

Except Ergoth, she remembered. Chief Ergoth had looked terrifying when he lost the judgment. Maythra and her cronies were taken care of, but suddenly, she felt like their battle had only just begun.

"Man," she breathed. "That judgment was... a lot, wasn't it?"

"Yes," he agreed, beginning to chop up vegetables and throw them into the pan with the sizzling bacon. "It is a bit..." He paused, considering.

"It's a bit insane, is what it is." She focused on the turmoil of the clan and finally let her own horrors fall to the wayside once more. "Govek, my impression was that most of the clan had no idea of who you really were. Your dad had them all thinking you were some kind of psycho monster. Others were framing you for things you didn't do. Is that... right?"

He let out a long sigh, but nodded slowly. "That is my conclusion as well."

"But how ?" she asked a little too loud. "How is it possible that no one in the clan really got to know you? You were raised here. Wouldn't they eventually come around? Figure it out?"

He was silent a long moment, stopped mid chop. "It... may have been my doing."

"Don't go blaming yourself for everything again, Govek."

"No, that isn't what I mean. I..." He cleared his throat. "I have always enjoyed solitude."

"Don't tell me you liked being alienated. I know it's hurt you."

His jaw went tight, threatening to hide away his teeth. "It... has. "

She could see how much it took to admit that and got up. Her legs were still stiff as she went to him. Wrapped him up in her arms. Pulled him down for a kiss.

When he pulled away, he had a bird on his head.

"Oh my gosh!" She laughed with surprise and the sharp sound made her chest lighten even as the bird fluttered its tiny brown wings. Its dark eyes blinked at her. It was smaller than her fist. But the little thing recovered from its scare and stayed put, nestling into Govek's hair. "What the heck? Where did he come from?"

"The window's open," he said so casually it made giggles burst up her raw throat all over again.

"Birds just fly in and sit on you whenever you leave your window open? You really are Snow White." She resisted the urge to reach up and touch the precious little thing. "Oh gosh. I hope he doesn't poop in your hair."

"He wouldn't dare," he muttered, though his eyes narrowed.

"What would you do if he did?" she pressed. "Cook him up in the stew?"

He snorted, amusement curling his lips. "That would be a lot of effort for very little reward."

"A one bite reward."

"More like the tease of a taste where my big mouth is concerned." He gently pushed the bird onto his massive finger and untied something from his leg. A piece of paper.

So, someone had sent them a message? "You have the opposite of a big mouth, Govek," she said, thinking of the common Earth term that referred to someone prone to revealing secrets.

"I think I've proven my mouth is plenty big." His tone reverberated through her whole body. "Big enough to wrap around your thighs anyway."

She shivered, the memory spiking heat and curling her toes.

He finished the task of retrieving the note, and the bird took off out the window.

"Who is it from?" She craned around to look, even though she knew she couldn't read it.

"Viravia. She has invited you to have mid-morn meal at the hall with her and the other women who've returned from the seasonal communion."

"I... thought she was having trouble getting to the hall for meals?"

He hummed in confusion and then shrugged. "Perhaps something has changed?"

"Maybe." She had never been pregnant, but she could imagine that some days were better than others. "I'm not really up for a big meal like that." She looked out the window again. Her brow pinched. The sun was in an odd spot.

Wait. "Govek, did you just say mid-morn meal?"

"Yes."

"But it was mid-morning when we left the hall and then I had a long nap and... Govek, what time is it?"

He hesitated only a moment. "You slept through the rest of the day and night."

Her stomach dropped, and it was in that moment she realized just how famished she was. "I slept through the...? Are you saying I slept for almost an entire day?"

"Yes."

Her mind reeled. God, no wonder she was so sore. "I'm sorry. You should have woken me up. "

"Never." The vehemence in his voice made her blink.

"But you must be starving, Govek. And thirsty. And needing to pee. Why haven't you gone to the bathroom yet?"

He met her gaze. The gold in his eyes caught the light and lead her to distraction. His face was loose and calm, jaw untucked, expression so soft and warm it melted the aching in her chest.

"Miranda, there is nothing in the world I would rather do than hold you in your times of need." His voice was a soothing rumble that pushed bliss into every corner of her body causing her heart to soar. "The Fades gifted you to me and I will take on as much of your strife and chaos as I am able. I would harbor the darkest parts of you, Miranda, if it meant I was allowed the honor of watching your happiness bloom."

Her stomach flipped right over. Throat tight. Eye's prickling. "Come here, tough guy."

He did not hesitate to wrap her up, tuck her into his warm chest, and curl around her like a wall of protective muscle. She breathed in his crisp pine scent, stroked her hands down the sides of his back, brought them around to cup his face and pull him down further.

"God, Govek. I love you." She showered his face with kisses, soothed his forehead, and caressed his hair. "I'm never going to let you go."

His voice was tinged with delight as he said, "That is my goal."