35. Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Five

Mia

Everything hurts. My head, my back, my shoulders, but most of all—my heart. The pain of watching Eric leave was far greater than any of the pain from my fall.

My sisters-in-law came to visit me just after Eric left my hospital room. They could tell that I was a mess, and I didn’t have the energy to deny, so they know everything.

It didn’t take long for me to spill my guts about how conflicted I was. I know I told him to go, and in some sense, I wanted him to. But when he did, I felt angry. Why did he fly all the way out here to give up so easily?

What the hell was that about? He didn’t fight even a little bit for me. Of course I was going to struggle with my trust. I had every right to be weary.

Now, I’m sitting here on my couch as my brothers and their wives clean my house and stash my fridge and freezer with all the food my Ma prepared for me. It’s like I just had a baby, only I’m sitting here all alone with nothing to show for it but a massive head injury and a banged up body.

Just the thought of it brings more tears to my eyes. Despite all of this, I miss him. I miss him so much I feel it in my bones.

I’m staring out my backdoor as I sit on my white, fluffy couch as Alexis approaches. She hands me a coffee cup filled with my favorite brew.

“Thanks,” I smile softly as I take it from her.

She joins me on the couch. I can feel her eyes on me as I take a sip of my coffee.

“Got something you want to say?” I ask as I turn my head her way.

She laughs to herself. “Sorry, I guess I’m being pretty obvious right now. I’m just worried about you.”

“I’ll be okay,” I say unconvincingly.

“You should call him,” she says as wraps her arms around her legs.

A bitter laugh escapes. “I can’t do that. I asked him to leave.”

“Can I ask why you did that if it’s not what you really wanted?” she asks gently.

Tears start to run down my cheeks. God, I am not a crier, and I’ve cried more times in the last month than I have in the last decade. “I guess I just wanted to see him fight for me. And it’s not like I was lying. It’s hard to believe he truly does love me. I was scared to just jump in and get hurt again.”

“But…you didn’t expect him to give up so easily?”

I nod my head as my chest rises unevenly, each breath more of a struggle as the tears cascade down my cheeks. I bite my lip, a futile effort to hold back the waves of emotion.

I don’t realize my brothers have joined until I dry my tears. They all sit on the couches and chairs around me as they watch me. I watch Marcus swallow his emotions down as he watches me breakdown.

He’s the youngest boy and the most emotional.

“Mia,” Gabe says. “He won’t be back. We made sure of it. He’s learned his lesson. He will stay far, far away from you. You’re safe.”

I look at Alexis with wide eyes. I don’t know if I even want to go down this road with my brothers to tell them the real reason that I’m in this state.

“What’s going on, Mia?” Lucas asks as his eyes bounce from me to Alexis. “Is there something we need to know?”

“It’s nothing,” I say through the thick of my emotions.

His head turns to the side as I see the concern written all over his face. “It doesn’t look like nothing. This isn’t like you. Something else is going on.”

“Mia?” Gabe asks. “Is there something else going on?”

Ugh, I can’t lie to them. Not when they are looking so concerned for me. My eyes remain on the coffee floating around inside my cup as I work to gather the courage to talk.

“You’re right. I’m not upset about Don. It’s about Eric.”

When I look up, Lucas seems confused. “Eric, the guy you stayed with in Savannah?”

My head moves up and down. “Yeah.”

They seem to understand instantly what I’m referring to. I can’t believe that I’m sitting here broken hearted over a man who walked away when I didn’t want him to, while recovering physically from one that refused to walk away when I begged him to? The embarrassment that I feel right now is making me want to hide under my covers and never come out.

“Do you want me to continue?” Savannah asks, knowing I can’t explain it all over again to anyone right now.

I nod my head, thankful that she knows me enough.

I remain seated as I listen to another person tell the story which sounds so much more pathetic as I hear someone else talk about it. Was I really that ignorant that I saw it going any other way with Eric? He told me from the beginning what his intentions were. Maybe I was right to tell him to leave.

After she’s done, we all sit in silence as I wait for them to tell me I need to grow up and start making better choices.

I look from Gabe, to Lucas, to Marcus as they all wear solemn faces. The silence of the room feels deafening. I tuck a non-existent piece of hair behind my ear just to do something with my hand.

“You love him?” Marcus asks.

My head moves up and down as I fight back the tears that want to continue. I refuse to let out any more tears in front of anyone.

“I wish you told us,” Lucas adds.

“I guess in the beginning, there was no reason to say it out loud because there were no promises being made between us. Then when I knew I was falling in love, I was afraid to admit it. When it blew up from there, I was embarrassed to admit it. Between Don and this, I feel incapable of making a decent decision to save my life.”

“But then he came to the hospital?” Gabe asks with his elbows on his knees, his hands under his chin.

“Yes,” I answer.

“And told you he loved you?” he continues.

“Mmm hmm,” I reply reluctantly.

“Then you told him to leave?” he questions.

“Yes,” I cry.

“Good,” he says as he sits up straight.

My head jerks up at him. Did I hear him correctly? “Why is that good?”

“Because he fucked up. It’s going to take a hell of a lot more for him to win you back after how he made you feel. He can’t just fly here when he thought the worst had happened to you and declare his love. That’s not fair for him to put you in that position when you were trying to recover.”

“You think so?” I ask, wondering if maybe I’m not crazy after all.

“Of course,” he replies quickly.

“But he’s not that type,” I tell him. “If I ask him to leave, he’s not going to come back and try harder. I don’t think he loves me that hard. I don’t think I’m worthy of that kind of love.”

Everyone’s face seems to fall.

“Are you serious?” Marcus answers loudly. “Mia, you are worthy of that kind of love and more. No one is more kind and giving than you. How could you think that?”

I shrug my shoulders. “No man has ever treated me like that. Like I was worth the world, and they would do anything to have me. Minus Don, but he doesn’t count. He wasn’t all there in the head, and he doesn’t really love me. He just thinks he does. But growing up, it was you guys who had girls fawning over you. I was just the invisible sister that never grabbed anyone’s attention.”

“That means men are fucking idiots, not that you’re not worth it,” Lucas replies. “And our idiot friends all wanted a chance with you, but we threatened their lives if they ever thought about touching you.”

You would think that would make me feel better, but I don’t care anymore. I only want Eric, and I’m afraid that I’ve lost him.

“I just wonder if maybe I should’ve listened more when he was making that effort. I’m sure it took a lot for him to come say all that to me,” I admit as I pick a piece of lint off of my yoga pants.

“Why did you ask him to leave?” Lucas asks.

Savannah smacks him behind the head for his question which makes me laugh.

“It’s ok,” I say with a smile. “I guess I was scared to believe it. It seemed too good to be true. The thought still scares me. What if he’s confusing caring for me with being in love with me? I get that he cares about me, and it was scary to hear something had happened to me. But that’s not the same as love.”

“So, you need more proof before you put yourself out there again?” Marcus reiterates for me.

I nod my head. “Does that sound stupid? Like I’m the reason for my own misery right now?”

“Not at all,” he replies. “I get it. From everything he told you from the beginning, how much he hates relationships, to letting you go the way he did. You’re right to be cautious with your heart.”

I don’t know what to think or feel anymore. I think what I need right now is a nap. Everything that has happened since I’ve been home is catching up with me, and all I want to do is pretend my reality doesn’t exist.

“Hey, thank you guys so much for stopping over, but I think I need to get some rest. I just took that pain medication not too long ago, so I should rest while I'm most comfortable.”

“Are you sure?” Lexi asks gently. “I can hang out for a bit while you sleep just so there’s someone here when you wake up.”

I smile at her sweet offer, but I know her and Marcus need to get back to Chicago. Her mom must miss her.

“You don’t have to do that. You guys really should get back to Chicago. I promise I’ll be okay. It’ll take time, but I’ll move on from all of this.”

I let them all look at each other around the room to see if someone is going to object or honor my request. Gabe, being the oldest, nods his head and makes the final decision.

“If you want to be alone, we can go. But we are stopping over tomorrow, no questions asked,” he says.

I nod my head in agreement. “Deal.”

After they leave, I make sure all of my doors are locked, including the additional deadbolts my brothers installed on every door, and then settle back onto my couch. I wrap my fuzzy blanket around me and lie down.

I wonder what Eric is doing back in Savannah. Is he in his barn making another masterpiece to get out all of his pent-up energy? I grab my phone and look at the time.

What am I thinking? It’s ten in the morning on a Thursday. He’s at work.

I wonder what he does when he comes home these days. Does he order himself some takeout and go straight to the barn, pretending like the stress from his work is worth it?

I shake my head. It’s not my business. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I have to accept that it’s just not meant to be between the two of us.

I close my eyes and let sleep take over. At least when I’m sleeping, I don’t have to pay attention to the ache in my heart.