9. Tammy

CHAPTER 9

TAMMY

Baxter was there one minute, and then he was gone.

While Connor was trying to flirt his ass off and impress me, I looked for an out, hoping Baxter would step up and muscle his way through all these players. Maybe he could stand by my side and make some joke about me needing space.

But when I turned to look for him, he wasn't there, and it hit home like a mallet to my face.

Baxter always liked to retreat. I knew this only a few short months into our friendship. We got into a fight over something stupid. I can't even remember what it was now, but rather than shouting back at me, he gave me a quiet frown… and ran away. It took me hours to find him, and eventually I spotted him down by the creek, throwing stones into the water with annoyed little grunts.

I stood beside him, not saying anything until the silence got too much for me. So, I punched his arm and told him he wasn't allowed to go running off. It didn't matter if we disagreed on something, we could still be friends.

He turned and looked at me. Then, without a word, he held out his hand and passed me three stones. "The target's that tree branch in the middle. You see it?"

"Yeah, I see it."

"First person to hit it three times gets to choose what movie we watch tonight."

I grinned and threw those stones like my life depended on it.

We ended up watching the first Star Wars movie… so it's safe to say I lost the whole stone-throwing thing. But I won my friend back, and at the time, that was all that mattered.

Biting my lips together, I brush my hand across Kai's shoulders as he steps aside to let the big boys tromp upstairs. They haul their gear out of the entrance, and I trail Kai, who has darted into the living room to chase after Fezzik.

"Here, why don't you go into the yard and throw this for him." Rachel appears with a plastic toy, and Kai looks to me with a hopeful expression.

"Of course. Let's go."

Heading out through the mudroom, we step into the crisp, fall air. Colorful leaves have been dropping from trees for a few weeks now, and the yard is covered. It makes me smile watching Kai run through them, laughing and throwing the toy for an excited Fezzik while yellow and orange leaves spray up around them. He kicks a small pile and laughs, dancing through the debris. Fezzik jumps and yaps, running through the leaves with a doggy smile. Kai chases him, and they run in circles, laughing and barking together.

Wow. Kai's certainly gotten over his fears quickly.

If only adults could do the same.

Digging my hands into my pockets, I lean against the railing and watch my son play—so carefree and trusting. He still believes the world is a good place. I think he's aware that people can hurt each other, and that makes him cautious, but he doesn't understand the depth of that pain yet.

Thank God.

I never want him to, but I know that's unrealistic.

You don't get through life that way. You have to burn. It's a rite of passage, right?

You have to get hurt, sometimes do the hurting yourself… and then you grow and heal and…

What if that part never comes?

What if you hurt someone you really care about, and then you don't deal with it? You let this precious thing slip through your fingers because talking about it's too awkward. And then this new guy comes along and steals all your attention, and you're too stupid to realize what you were leaving behind.

Then when you finally worked it out… he was too hurt to let you find him by the creek and throw stones with him.

Running my hands through my hair, I rest my elbows on the rail and feel the pain ride through me.

Baxter was my best friend. That's why he took me in today without hesitation. But the way he walked out of the room just before… it was a good reminder that we will never be what we once were.

He's not my man out to protect or claim me.

I'm already taken.

"Apparently," I mutter, twisting my wedding and engagement rings around my finger.

My insides are raw and hollow. My soul feels fragile, on the brink of shattering, and for some reason, all I can think about is that summer by the swimming hole.

That summer I believed my friendship with Baxter would last forever.

Until we started making out in the sunshine, and then I went and ruined it all…