24. Baxter

CHAPTER 24

BAXTER

Shit. I don't want to do this right now.

She's blaming me for not being there for her senior year?

She pulled away from me .

She was the one who just wanted to be friends.

But you weren't her friend.

You pulled so far back, you became nothing.

"Bax, that day by the swimming hole…"

Fuck, she's not going there.

"Please, can we not…" I shake my head, rising from the stool with a sharp jerk.

"I didn't know that was going to ruin everything." She keeps talking, ignoring my plea, and I want to bolt from the room like it's on fucking fire. "I kissed you because I was curious, and then… things just went so fast and…" She winces. "When I said I wanted to just be friends, I still meant that, but you took it like the ultimate rejection. You just stopped talking to me altogether, and I never meant for that to happen! Why did you… do that?" Her voice suddenly drops to a quivering whisper. "Why did you not want to be my friend anymore?"

Resting my hands on my hips, I turn my back to her, not wanting to see her tears. They kill me every time, and I can't speak when she's looking at me like I hurt her.

"I did want to be your friend." My voice is rough, as if I'm speaking through a layer of rust. "I was just so humiliated by what happened. I needed space for a minute, but then I got back, and I was prepped to start senior year with you. I was gonna drive you to school, and we were gonna walk though those halls like we always did." Spinning back, I dare to look at her face and tell her the truth. "But you took a ride with him . And I knew the second I saw you guys together that what we had… our friendship… it was never gonna be the same again."

She stares at me, blinking, her chin bunching as she obviously struggles to respond.

I stand in the awkward quiet, gripping my hips, then crossing my arms. My socked feet swipe across the hardwood floors, and I can feel them itching to run.

But I stand.

I watch.

I listen.

And then I wish I hadn't.

"You hurt my feelings, Bax." She sniffs, curling her fingers around her mug. "I needed friendship, and you just… stayed so far away."

My chest hurts, my insides writhing as I run a hand through my hair. "That was never my intention. I was just struggling to face you after what happened between us… and then you hooked up with him ." I can feel my face puckering into a frown. "You said you weren't ready for any of that. You didn't want sex, but… you wanted it with him. There was no space for me anymore. I couldn't be your best bud when you had a boyfriend. It wouldn't have worked."

She starts to nod, her head bobbing up in down in jerking movements as she spins her empty mug on the counter.

After a thick swallow, she shrugs and looks back at me. "For some reason… it felt more terrifying with you."

"What did?" My arms drop to my sides.

"Sex." Her shoulders hitch, her face crumpling with a desperate look for me to understand. "The idea of crossing that line with you… it was scarier."

"Why? I wouldn't have hurt you. I… I wouldn't have done anything you didn't want me to. I would have?—"

"I know." She holds up her hand to cut me off. "It wasn't that." Getting up from her seat, she walks around to stand in front of me. She's so tiny sometimes. The top of her head reaches my chin, and it's tempting to pull her against me and perch my short whiskers on her black hair.

Her fingers skim through the air above my arm, like she wants to run her hand against me but can't quite make herself do it.

"When it came to you, I had so much to lose." Her voice is feather soft, and my skin starts to tingle. "And I was worried that if we went that way… if we became romantic… that everything would change between us." Her lips purse as she crosses her arms, taking a step back from me. "Hudson was low risk compared to you." A tear slips free, trailing down her bronze skin, her brown gaze filled with so much sorrow that it's going to break me. "I never meant to lose you."

"You could never lose me," I whisper, cupping her cheek because I have to. Wiping her tear away because it's the only thing that matters right now. "Tammy, I… I've always been yours."