Chapter 23

Twenty-Three

Itoss and turn all night thinking about Jason and questioning whether or not I’ve made the right decision. Well, truth be told, if I hadn’t parted ways with him then, I wouldn’t have had my son. But now, after seeing Jason turn up at my doorstep, I wonder if it’s too late for us. Being in the company of Jason Hart was easy, carefree, and relaxing. He’s not the type of man to create unnecessary drama unlike some other jerk I know.

Haden, as predicted, hasn’t texted or called me after storming off in a huff. This game of his is getting old, and his short temper only causes more friction between us. Yet, when we get along, I really enjoy being around him.

Is there such a thing as male PMS?I swear, Haden Cooper could be the frontrunner for a nationwide campaign for it.

My mind refuses to shut down, and just when I begin to fall asleep, Masen wakes up demanding to be fed. Half asleep, I nestle him into a feeding position and try to keep my eyes open. For some unknown reason, he refuses to latch on, squirming uncomfortably and crying. Following the normal routine, I check his diaper, attempt to burp him, then try again to feed him. He still refuses to latch on, and an hour later, I am out of my mind.

“What do you want, Masen?” I cry, rocking him back and forth.

Nothing appears to work, and I’ve already deemed myself a horrible mother.

I grab my phone and dial Haden’s number, not expecting him to pick up after our argument earlier tonight. After several rings, he answers. The background is loud, and no surprise, he’s probably at a club getting wasted.

“Malone, are you okay?” he yells over the noise.

“No, I’m not. Masen won’t settle, and I don’t know what to do.” I hold back my tears and, of course, Masen continues to wail over me.

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

That twenty minutes feel like forever, and the second my door buzzes, I scramble to answer it. Haden enters immediately, throwing his helmet, keys, and phone onto the sofa and grabbing Masen from me. He’s dressed in a pair of black dress pants and a dark gray shirt rolled up at the sleeves—it’s different from his normal casual attire of jeans and a tee on the weekends. He looks good, real good. But hey, what do I know? I’m sleep and sex-deprived, and neither one of those problems will be solved anytime soon.

He moves toward my bedroom, and I follow behind him. It only takes a couple of minutes of Haden rubbing his back in a circular motion for Masen to finally settle. When ten minutes pass without a single sound, my emotions and tired state get the better of me, and I begin to cry.

“I can’t do this… alone.”

“You’re not alone. It’s just one bad night,” he reassures me.

He moves to sit on the bed, keeping Masen comfortable and quiet while I continue to stand there like a sobbing mess. I’m a wreck, dressed in my old baseball tee and boxers with my hair a wild mess. Heavy bags have formed under my eyes, and my skin appears dry and pale.

“This is hard. Look at me… I haven’t slept. My hair hasn’t had a proper shampoo in forever. I’ve been wearing the same shirt for the past two weeks because I can’t get to the laundromat. I have no clue what I’m doing.”

“Presley, just calm down. It’s not that bad. Why don’t I get my mom to help you for a few hours? She’s dying to spend time with Masen.”

“Not that bad?” I raise my voice slightly. “I’m a mess… and… I feel like the worst mother in the world. I bet Eloise won’t look like that when you guys have babies. She’ll probably just push that baby out and—”

“Presley…”

I continue to ramble on, ignoring him. “And I bet she has the type of hair that’s silky and smooth all the time like those shampoo commercials where the chick just flicks her hair, and she looks like she just stepped out of the salon.”

“Malone,” he raises his tone.

“What?” I say, exasperated from my rant.

He doesn’t say anything further but nods his head, motioning for me to look at my chest. I look down and through my shirt that my milk has leaked and left two patches. Just fucking great, and here come the waterworks.

“See? I can’t even feed my child, and then this happens,” I cry.

He lays Masen down beside the pillow and covers him with a blanket. Haden moves toward me, and in my pathetic state, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer into him. I don’t care what’s happening right now and continue to cry into his chest. Holding me tight, he gives me time to release my frustrations until my sobs slow down.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

He kisses my forehead and slowly pushes me away, still keeping our bodies in close range. Cupping my face, he gives me a sympathetic smile before speaking quietly so as not to stir Masen. “You’ve got to learn to ask for help. I’m here, Presley. I’ll always be here when you need me. Just don’t drop bullshit bombs on me like earlier.”

“You’ve got a life, Haden. You can’t stop living it. Like tonight, where were you?”

“It was a stupid party for Eloise’s friend. Trust me, I didn’t want to go.”

His deep stare and bewitching smile only reiterate what I’m terrified of feeling. How could the man standing here in front of me, the father to my son, not be the person I’m supposed to fall in love with? Yet every time we fight, it somehow brings us closer together, and I fall into the trap of thinking I really am in love with him.

How can I be in love with Haden Cooper?

I want to pull away from him, create the distance my heart needs right now, but he moves his hands down my arms until they’re sitting on the base of my shirt. Without saying a word, he grips the hem of my shirt and motions for me to lift my arms. I have no idea what he’s doing, but in my tired state, I let him take my soaked shirt off. I stand there in only my bra as he wraps his arms back around me, kissing my shoulder. As much as I want to stay like this, Masen begins to squirm.

“I think he’s hungry. Why don’t you take your bra off and feed him? I promise I won’t look.”

I laugh softly. “Have you seen them? They’re impossible to hide.”

“How can I not notice them?” He smirks. “But seriously, our son is hungry. I can turn around.”

My bra is wet and uncomfortable, and I know I need to release the milk. I ask him to turn around for a brief moment as I unclasp my bra. It’s a relief to take it off, and I feel the pressure subside immediately. Making myself comfortable on the bed, I move to lay on my side and pull the sheets to cover part of my skin. I pull Masen closer to me, and he latches on with ease, gently sucking away. Haden turns around and lays beside me on the bed. Stroking Masen’s hair, he hums a tune I don’t recognize.

“You’re doing a great job,” he whispers. “You’re a natural even though you don’t see it.”

“I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“No first-time mom does.”

“Yeah, but first-time moms have husbands who help them.”

“I told you, I’m here.”

“You won’t be here forever. You’ll be doing the same thing with your wife soon.”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

I keep my voice down so as not to sir Masen. “You never want to address it, Haden. If you love her, then marry her. But these moments we have, they need to stop.”

“What if I don’t want them to stop?”

“You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Sometimes you’ve got to make decisions and deal with the consequences, whether it be good or bad. I’m a realist. I stepped away from a relationship even though it wasn’t easy.”

“But you don’t think with your heart.”

“Of course, I do. I loved Jason—”

“But you wanted more,” he interrupts. “Tell me, what’s your heart telling you now?”

He is asking me a question I dare not answer truthfully because if I do, there’s a huge possibility my heart will be exposed and shatter if he walks down that aisle with her.But on the flip side, I’m sick of this emotional rollercoaster and walking on eggshells.

“It’s telling me that love is a constant battle. The man who steals my heart… I want him to fight for me. I want to be the only woman he thinks about, the only woman his heart beats for. I want to be the object of his desire, the body he worships every day. I want to feel like nothing in this world exists if he doesn’t feel all those things for me.”

Behind his glasses, his beautiful eyes are consumed by my words. I know he feels something, but how much? I have no idea. My fingers ache to reach out and caress his face, but I’m terrified. The tiny human lying between us is at stake. One wrong move and his life changes forever.

“You deserve all that and a man who will give you that.”

On cue, my heart sinks, confirming what I’ve known all along. He cares. Just not enough. And maybe these thoughts in my head need to stop, just like my relationship with Jason. I pulled the plug when things weren’t as they should have been. If I did it once, I can do it again.

Masen’s gentle snores start as he falls asleep peacefully at my breast. Haden lifts him slowly and pats him, prompting a loud burp before moving him to his crib and wrapping him tight. Lying here, semi-naked, I’m vulnerable both physically and emotionally. Haden removes his shoes and climbs back into the bed with me, this time moving under the sheets. My body appears flushed, and the way his eyes are laced with desire can only mean one thing.

“Presley, I can’t hold this back anymore.”

His luscious lips have found their way to mine, and with his tight grip around my waist, it’s impossible to pull away, especially with my body betraying me. His tongue circles mine as we both moan into each other’s mouths.

Out of breath, I pull away for a brief moment. “Haden, we can’t.”

His lips have already moved to the base of my neck as he mumbles. “I need you.”

The rush he gives me shoots straight down below and between my legs. I’m soaking wet. I’m struggling to hold onto my morals as my physical side demands he give me all of him.

Just one more minute, then I’ll stop.

He knows I’ll stop him, and with a desperate rush, he has made his way down to my breasts, licking circles around my nipples and causing my back to arch in pleasure. It’s difficult to keep my moans to a silent plea, and sensing my desperation, he moves his right hand toward my mouth and covers it with his palm.

“Just let me have a taste… just one taste.”

I don’t have to let him. He takes what he wants, and the moment he sucks on my nipples, an impending orgasm is on the verge of breaking loose. No, no.

“Haden, we have to stop!”

I manage to push him away just as the orgasm is about to hit. Guiding his head back toward my face, I watch his eyes and the fire burning within them.

“We can’t do this. Not while you’re in a relationship. I’m not that person.”

His chest is pumping hard, and trying to catch his breath, he finally speaks, “I know it’s wrong, but I want you, Presley.”

“I want you, too, Haden. But we can’t, not unless you end things with her.”

He pulls back. “Is that an ultimatum?”

“No,” I correct him. “It’s called having morals. I’m not a mistress, nor do I want to have an affair. I can’t deny what I feel for you, but I’m not the one engaged here.”

I see the turmoil in his expression and pull him closer one more time, for one last kiss.

“I should probably go,” he whispers, disappointed.

“You probably should.”

Reluctantly, he climbs out of bed and slides his shoes back on. He adjusts his crotch, and I ignore how hard he looks beneath the fabric.

Why, oh why was I raised to be a good, moral woman?

Walking toward the door, he stops and turns back to face me. “Give me time to sort out my life, Presley. I want you in it. I just need to fix the mess I’ve created.”

Those are his final words, and for me, tonight, it’s exactly what I need to hear—a promise of a future.