Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

They rode in silence the rest of the way to Burlington. Honey panted on Jess's lap as Kevin drove. He kept his eyes on the road as he gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles. He pulled off the exit and down windy roads with small houses tucked behind evergreen trees. Minutes later they turned into a dirt driveway in front of a brick house that was barely visible, hidden behind hundreds of winding strands of ivy.

"Are you sure your tattoo doesn't have a hidden meaning?" Jess jested, trying to lighten up the thick tension that lingered between them.

Kevin gave her a smile and unbuckled his seat belt.

She crossed her arms. "You told me you wouldn't make me regret it."

He hesitated, then let out a defeated exhale. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"Is it going to be weird if I go in there with you? I can drive somewhere and pick you up later…"

"Jess, no, it's fine. Really."

She expected him to reach out and touch her hand or her shoulder or something. But Kevin kept his distance as he cut the ignition and leaned back in his seat.

"You don't seem fine."

He sighed, then unbuckled his seat belt and got out of the car. Honey bolted after him, then instantly found interest in the bed of lavender planted by the front door and ran for that instead.

Jess jumped out of her seat and chased Kevin as he circled the car, stopping him with a hand at his chest. "If you don't talk to me then I'm not going in there."

"Well, that would be very rude of you. Mom made a special batch of her sourdough banana bread so she could impress you."

Her chest tightened. She made something special to impress me. Charlie's mother would never.

She glared at him. "Then it would be especially rude if I skipped out on it all because you wouldn't talk to me."

Kevin cupped her hand at his chest with his own and squeezed it delicately, then dropped it back to her side and let go. "Jess, you got out of a really big, really serious relationship, and I know you're not interested in any of this right now."

"That doesn't mean I have to be celibate," she said, her words clipped and tight.

"Yes, but…you're looking for a rebound, sweetheart. A one-night stand. No strings attached. And I am nothing but attached."

She felt like an entire apple was lodged in her throat.

He took a step back and traced a rectangle between them. "Here's the table." He threw his hands to the right. "I can be your friend, your comrade, your coworker, your partner in summer bucket lists. Or…" he continued, shifting his hands to the other side of their metaphorical table. "I can be the other thing. Much more. The ‘we're partners but sleep in two beds' kind of more. But I can't be anything in between. It's one or the other."

"I can't do more right now, Kevin. You said that yourself."

He sighed and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Like he was restraining himself from touching her. "I know. I can be patient, Jess. I'll wait until you tell me you're either ready or that there's no possible way this would work. But I can't be dangled in between. I told you I'm a commitment guy. I stand by that."

She nodded, her eyes on the invisible table. "I get it. I do. I'm sorry."

"Dear lord." Kevin finally reached for her and pulled her in for a tight hug. "You don't need to apologize. It was me who instigated this, remember? You did nothing wrong."

"Then why does it feel that way?" she mumbled.

"Because I'm an idiot."

"You're not."

"No, I am. I couldn't help myself. I had to know."

She looked up at him, resting her chin on his chest. "Had to know what?"

His breath hitched as he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear with gentle fingers. "What it would be like if you were mine."

Her stomach dipped.

"Is that my Kevvy Bear??"

Jess peeled herself out of Kevin's arms and turned around, watching as his mom approached. Her skin was deeply tanned like his from the summer sun, and she wore a denim vest with a floral skirt that flowed down to her bare feet, her left ankle covered in anklets.

Kevin smiled as he dipped down to wrap his arms around his mother's waist and lift her off the ground. "Hi, Mom. Happy birthday. Stop calling me that."

She jumped down and flicked his ear. "Never."

A pang sat deep in her belly as she watched their comfortable greeting. She stepped away and looked for Honey, finding her attempting to nip at a bumble bee sitting on a stalk of lavender. She scooped her up and scratched the backs of her ears.

"Mom, you remember Jess, right? We went to school together."

Jess stepped toward them and held out her hand. "It's nice to see you again, Mrs. Perkins."

" Bleh , Mrs. Perkins. Call me Arielle." She nudged Jess's hand away and wrapped her up in a hug instead. Honey wiggled out of Jess's grasp and licked Arielle's face.

"Oh now isn't this the sweetest little one," she said. Arielle cooed as Jess handed the pup to her. "What's the name?"

"Her name is Honey," Kevin explained, and to Jess's surprise, he swung an arm around her shoulder. "We're dog parents!"

"Dog parents, huh?" she teased, winking at Kevin.

Kevin bristled, ignoring his mother's coy smirk as he released Jess and looked back at the house. "Where's everyone else?"

"They're setting up on the back patio." She placed Honey back on the lawn and stood to face Jess. "How's your father doing? Last I heard he gave up ownership of the boatyard. Has he been up to anything new since we left Haverport?"

Jess felt like an overly baked muffin inside of Kevin's sweatshirt as they stood under the sun. She shoved the sleeves up and wiped her sweaty hands on her shorts, trying hard to make her breathing sound steady and normal.

"He—he's—he's good," she stammered.

The front door swung open then, and a tall man with wavy gray hair half tied up into a bun stepped out. "Arielle, my love, your birthday brunch will go cold if you keep us waiting."

Kevin beamed and stepped up to his father, clapping him on the back.

Arielle looped an arm through Jess's and squeezed. "Can't let the tofu scramble get cold. Shall we?"

"You okay?"

Jess didn't have to turn much to face Kevin. The patio table was barely big enough to fit six chairs, so they all sat close, knees grazing and thighs bumping as they passed plates and poured steaming cups of coffee from carafes. Kevin's younger sisters were recalling the previous week's high school drama to his parents, giving the two of them a reprieve after their endless questioning about the new bakery at Port Wheels.

Kevin pressed his leg up against Jess's and whispered to her again. "I'm guessing my mom's question about your father threw you off."

She toyed with the berries on her plate with her fork. "Yeah, it did."

He slid a hand on her knee and rubbed back and forth, then froze. He swiftly removed his hand, like he'd thought better of it.

"You know what's sad? I have no idea what my father is up to," she reckoned. "I screwed up so badly with them that I don't even know how he spends his days anymore, or if he's working at all."

Kevin placed down his fork. "Jess, are you ever going to tell me what happened with them?"

She sucked in a breath.

"We're friends, right? You can trust me. I'm here whenever you're ready to talk about it."

"What if I'm never ready?" she confessed.

He turned his head and leaned in, his words barely a whisper. "You see, you made a grave mistake, Jessica. I know that working things out with them is the last thing on your bucket list. And I really don't think you want to start collecting unemployment."

"You wouldn't—"

"Are you sure about that?" He cocked a brow.

She glared at him. "Glad to see you're back to being your insufferable self."

He looked at her with a devilish grin. "Glad to see you're back to hating me."

"I don't hate you."

He stretched up, reaching for a plate of sliced banana bread. "Don't worry, sweetheart, I certainly know that now ."

She kicked his shin under the table, causing a slice of banana bread to tumble off the plate and hit the wooden patio floor with a dramatic plop .

Kevin laughed and cleaned up the mess as Jess shook her head.

"Jess, you can tell me if you don't like the bread, no need to throw it," Arielle teased.

"Oh gosh no, that's not—"

Kevin pinched her calf as he finished cleaning up the mess. She yelped.

She fumed. "Arielle, please tell me why you call your son Kevvy Bear."

"Traitor," Kevin growled as he sat back up.

"It's what he used to call himself," Arielle explained with a teasing glint in her eye. "He carried around his teddy bear and said he was the Kevvy bear."

Jess shot him a wicked grin. "Brilliant."

Kevin pointed a fork at her. "You are going to regret this."

"Oh I don't think I will."

His family laughed at their banter. Jess asked for more embarrassing stories, and his mother and father entertained her with tales of Kevin covered in scabs from crazy bike rides and coming home with lonely animals that needed a home.

"My Kevin has always had a soft spot for collecting lost souls," Arielle mused.

Jess felt a pang in her heart. She snuck a glance at Kevin and noticed his flushed cheeks, his eyes on his plate.

The rest of the afternoon went by in a blur of sunshine, lawn games, and tall glasses of iced tea. Honey chased every Frisbee Kevin threw into the can at the opposite end of the lawn, attempting to intercept it with a jump and a swipe of her little teeth, only to tumble back down into the grass. His sisters squealed every time at "the cuteness" and willfully ignored Mr. Perkin's pleas for them to help clean up.

Jess stacked plates in her hands. "Let them play, I can help."

Arielle planted her hands on her hips. "Put those plates down, you are our guest."

She gave her a warm smile. "And you are the birthday girl, so let me do this."

Arielle loosed a resigned sigh, wrapping up leftover bread and pouring cold coffee in her potted plants as Jess carried dishes to the kitchen. She turned on the spigot and began washing, peeking a glance out the window every so often and smiling as Kevin teased Honey with a dog toy, making her chase him around the lawn to grab it. She liked his parents and the girls and this brick house covered in ivy.

Arielle stepped up beside her and dried the dishes she cleaned.

"He looks happy here," Jess admitted. "I don't really understand why he didn't move back here with you after graduation."

"He loved Haverport too much. The idea of leaving didn't feel right to him. I couldn't fight my son if his heart was connected with that place more than this one."

"Yes, but…he's so far from family. If my family was like this, I would never want to leave."

Arielle rubbed a hand on Jess's back. She noticed the way Kevin's mother was constantly soothing with her hands and arms. It made it very clear where Kevin's need for physical touch came from.

"Is everything okay at home?" Arielle asked, her tone even.

Her throat felt dry. She swallowed a couple of times before responding. "Not really. My parents and I…we're not on speaking terms right now. Well…my sister and I are a little bit, but my mom and dad…"

Her voice caught in her throat as tears lined her eyes. She wiped at them with her wrist, sudsy water from her fingers dripping down to the floor.

Arielle kept rubbing her back. Jess flushed as she continued with the dishes, too embarrassed to look Kevin's mom in the eye.

"No matter where I go or what happens in my life, I always seem to find myself with two options," Arielle started. "Either live in fear and never try, or choose to be brave and live in your truth. Putting ourselves out there can feel scary because there's always the chance of failure. But what would be worse? Living without knowing what could have been, or living knowing you gave it your all?"

She had the sneaking suspicion that these words weren't only meant for her situation with her family. Jess's gaze instinctively linked to Kevin outside the window, admiring the grin on his face and the sound of his laugh as he chased his sisters around the yard.

"Now tell me…has my son been brave with you?"

Jess whirled around and faced Kevin's mom. "Huh?"

"Has my son shared his feelings for you?"

Goose bumps flecked her skin. "Did he tell you he has feelings?"

Arielle shrugged. "I have a sense for these things. I also know my Kevin. It's written all over his face."

It was practically identical to what Gram told her a month ago. The look. Were his feelings really so plain for everyone to see?

Arielle rubbed Jess's arm, patiently waiting for her to respond, almost like she was waiting to see whether she needed to give her son a scolding.

"He's made it…clear," Jess murmured.

His mother smiled and tucked a strand of Jess's hair behind her ear. "And how about you, my dear? Will you be brave with him?"

Her chest tightened to an unbearable degree at her question. She stared at Arielle with wide eyes, unable to speak, unable to take a full breath.

Arielle must have caught on because she gave Jess a reassuring smile. "Don't make him wait too long, okay? He deserves your bravery, too."

"I'm not very good at being brave," she whispered.

She cocked her head, a warm smile still on her lips. "Sweetheart, I don't believe that for a second."

Honey snoozed by her feet as they made the five-hour drive back to Haverport, two loaves of sourdough banana bread tucked safely in the trunk. Jess didn't want to leave the warmth and closeness of his family, but they didn't have an option; summer season was in full swing back at home, and they had a shop to save. She'd done her best to contain her tears as she hugged Arielle goodbye, her words dancing around in her head.

He deserves your bravery, too.

Jess looked over at Kevin, a bright smile still on his face, even an hour after leaving the house.

She couldn't help it; she had to ask. "Why would you not want to be near them?"

He shrugged. "I like my life in Haverport. I like being near the beach and helping build parade floats for charity and working at the bike shop. I like hanging with Calvin…with you. It feels harder to leave that than to drive away from my family in Burlington. I can drive up whenever I want to see them…or, well, used to. I'll have to get a new car eventually."

"I already told you to take mine whenever you need it."

"I know, sweetheart. I would hate to be a burden though."

"You're never a burden," she said softly. "Also…does your mom call you sweetheart, too?"

He blushed. "Yeah, sorry, it's what we say to each other in my family. I can stop if it makes you uncomfortable."

She wiggled in her seat. "No. Keep calling me that. I like it."

"Good. Me too."

She drew her gaze out the passenger window to the blur of trees and mountains surrounding them. "Kevin?"

"Hmm?

She sucked in a breath. "Am I a lost soul you felt you needed to save?"

She heard him sigh.

"I watched you sacrifice so much of yourself for a man who couldn't do the same for you in return," he replied. "I know I came across strong at first with my offer, but it's because I've always known you deserve better than that. You deserve more."

"And do you think I'd find that with you?" As the words left her lips she froze, but Kevin didn't even bat an eye.

"Not if I don't make you happy," he confessed. "I want you to be happy, Jess. If that's not with me, then so be it."

Jess wondered if the life lesson Arielle gave her in the kitchen was one that Kevin had heard before. He wasn't just being brave, he was being honest. He put everything out there on that metaphorical table, making his intentions clear, knowing that it might not work out for him in the end.

What would be worse? Living without knowing what could have been, or living knowing you gave it your all?

Her heart twisted at the thought. She flicked on her pop punk playlist, letting the music fill the space between them as she processed what she was feeling. Being with Kevin was the safest she'd ever felt with someone. She trusted him with her deepest vulnerabilities and he still chose to spend time with her, to be her friend, even when she was the worst version of herself. Despite how hard she tried pushing him away over the years, he was always a constant. A friend who cared enough to ask and to want more for her. To have what she deserved.

Maybe I need to be brave.

She shut down the thought immediately. Why would she do that to herself when she finally had her freedom? Why was she incapable of being single and independent? She needed months—maybe years —before even considering another relationship. And Kevin made it clear he was not going to be a rebound.

She closed her eyes and rested her cheek on the cool glass of the window, hoping to drift off and mute these new, raging, unwelcome emotions.