45. Emilie

FORTY-FIVE

Munich, Germany

Hours have passed since Papa stormed out of the house and burnt the rubber of his tires against the gravel while leaving the street. Mama is quieter than she’s ever been, and I believe she might be in shock. Nothing shocks me anymore. The world is falling apart. No one has been untouched. We’re all affected. I’ve been telling myself that losses are inevitable. I didn’t tell myself they might be preventable—that one day I should have tried to stop Otto’s death. My grief has become anger, and I can’t control much of what I’m feeling. All I know is, I’ll keep helping and saving those I love. But I don’t know who I am now. I’m a hollow person, filled with nothing but turmoil.

“Mama, stop dusting. There’s no more dust,” I tell her, watching as she makes her way around the living room for the fourth time in the last hour.

“I need to keep busy,” she argues.

“Papa will be okay.”

“It’s not just your father, sweetheart,” she says, turning toward me with the feather duster held out by her side. “You—this is all too much. You’re twenty-four, and a widow. You’ve seen nothing but brutal hatred for the last ten years of your life, and it’s only grown worse by the day. I—I as your mother,” she says, “I know what you’ve wanted throughout your life, and I’ve had no choice but to sit back and watch all of those things fall out of your reach.”

“It’s life, right?” I ask. “We live, learn, and die.”

“No, my darling. There’s so much more.”

A car door slams and the doorknob jiggles before Papa storms inside. He turns the corner into the living room, pinches the top of his hat and tosses it to the ground.

“What is it?” I ask.

Papa’s face is beet red, his neck, verging on purple. “I caught Stefan just as he was getting into his car, ready to leave for wherever the hell he and Marion are going. They’re getting as far away from here as possible, so they won’t be found associated with Dietrich.”

I stand up from the sofa after sitting for far too long, but my lungs feel constricted, and I need to be able to breathe. “What do you mean…associated with him?”

Papa paces in small circles, his hands clutching his hips, his chest rising and falling too fast. “Dietrich and his wife have been arrested by the Gestapo.”

The breath rushes from my lungs, leaving me clutching at my chest for air. “Arrested…” I won’t ask why, because I can think of many reasons why, but not while he has been working with the German government.

“He and his wife had kidnapped a baby. She was faking a pregnancy for data on women of an older age who are able to conceive and give birth to a healthy child. During a thorough investigation and home search, it was discovered Dietrich also had an assistant years ago whose remains were discovered beneath a dirt pile in a wooded area behind his house. Her identification card was found in the corroding dress pocket.”

My heart hammers against my rib cage as another unexpected revelation sinks in. I drop back down onto the sofa and clutch my arms around my stomach. My entire body becomes limp as I process how anyone could be so heinous and cruel, but I shouldn’t be surprised. I know what he’s capable of, what he did. He committed crime after crime, and yet he kept his word about Danner. Except, that word means nothing now. “He knew he was close to being caught. That’s why he said he didn’t know if he’d have much more work.”

Papa holds his hands out, palms down. “Most likely,” he says, making his way over. He pulls me back up to my feet and wraps me in his arms. “Stephan said Dietrich told him and Marion to get as far away as they could, and he said he had sworn never to mention your name as he has already predicted his fate.”

“How can we believe him? The man is a liar. He doesn’t have a heart. He’s selfish and wants what’s best for himself. It’s obvious.”

“We need to leave. We can’t be around here,” Papa says, not arguing with my statement.

“Papa, no! I can’t leave Danner behind. We must help him.”

“The guards at Dachau know who you are, and they now know about Dietrich. I fought with Stephan until he nearly drove over my feet to get away. I told him I need his help to get Danner out of that hellhole, and without a hint of remorse, they just left. You’re our daughter. We need to protect you too. I’m so sorry, darling.”

“No, I can’t?—”

“We need to leave now. Please, don’t make this harder than it is. I’m sorry I have to do this to you. I’m so sorry,” Papa says.

“I won’t go. I need to get back in through those gates, at least once more. Just once more, please. Papa you can’t?—”

Papa pulls me away from the sofa and I do everything I can to resist, fighting to pull my hands out of his.

“Let go of me, Papa. You can leave me here. Just leave.”

“Emilie, Emilie, sweetheart. You’re in danger,” Mama says. “Danner wouldn’t want you to put yourself in danger for him. He would blame himself if something happened to you and you can’t put that on his shoulders. You can’t. It isn’t fair to him.”

“This isn’t fair to him! This isn’t fair to me! I’ve lost everything! Everything, can’t you see?” I cry out, realizing I’ve become too weak to fight. Papa has managed to pull me across the living room. “I’ll come back to get her belongings. Let’s just get her in the car,” Papa says.

“Please let me go. Why would you do this? Not now. I can’t take any more, please!” My knees give out and I fall, but don’t hit the ground as Papa sweeps me up into his arms, cradling me like a child. All I can do is cry, feeling as though I’m purging my soul as I do so. Through thick tears covering my eyes, I spot blurry figures, my neighbors, watching this scene unfold.

“She’ll be okay,” Mama says, following behind Papa, waving at the neighbors who are standing outside their front doors.

I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again.