24. Emilie

TWENTY-FOUR

Munich, Germany

The city is heavy with silence, frozen beneath a fresh layer of snow. There’s no stomp of marching boots, rallying parades of camaraderie, or laughter. There hasn’t been any semblance of laughter in more than two years, or so it seems. No one speaks to one another, every person on the street is a stranger, and even if they aren’t, no one lifts their head up long enough to figure out whether they know who they’re passing. To speak out loud means we must have an opinion: an opinion on this city, on the country, the war, the fairness, and unfairness alike. It’s easier to keep our heads down.

Typically, I walk home from class with Otto, but he had a surgical observation at the hospital today. He’s likely already home by now.The times when I walk home alone, my mind fills with memories of the days when this amount of quiet seemed impossible, given how loud us kids were together.Even though there were five of us, we always somehow paired off—Danner and me in a conversation or debate about a subject in class, Otto and Gerty arguing over scientific theories that neither of them knew anything about, and Felix with his head in the clouds, thinking of his next story to interrupt everyone with.

I miss my conversations with Danner. Sometimes it almost feels like he’s passed away because his departure left such a gaping hole in my life. But if he had passed away, I could still talk to his soul, and he might hear me. Instead, I know he’s somewhere a country away living a different life to the one he wanted and I have no way of reaching him. It’s been over a year since he and his family were forced to leave, and I haven’t heard from him since. I check the mail daily, but there’s never anything addressed to me.

Back in a relationship with Otto, I often feel guilty for thinking about Danner as much as I do. Otto doesn’t speak of Danner, and he doesn’t know that Danner made me promise to rekindle my relationship with Otto. Gerty and Felix talk about him whenever I see them. They talk about him like they just saw him yesterday. Time just keeps passing and nothing seems to get any brighter.

I turn onto my street and my eyes float to Danner’s house first as they always do. I’m quickly reminded that someone else has moved into his house with the pea green interior, curtains, and red and yellow bird ornaments dangling down each window. The Alesky family were never eccentric, they just blended in like the rest of us with their neutral color curtains and lack of flare for window treatment.

Everything in this little corner of the city is the same except for Danner and his house. A twinge of pain strikes through my chest as I force myself to look away and face my front door. The aroma of fresh bread distracts me for a moment but I remember that Mama rarely bakes bread in the middle of the week.I step inside to a frenzy of Mama running around the kitchen in circles, pots and pans bubbling, sizzling, and a timer buzzing with a squeal. Flour coats the counters and Mama’s forest green apron.

“Mama, what are you doing? You look like a mad woman.”

“Oh good, you’re home. I wasn’t sure what time you’d be home today but I’m glad it’s on the earlier side because Herr and Frau Berger are joining us for dinner. It was a last-minute plan,

but—”

“Wait, Mama, since when do you make plans with Otto’s parents?”

They’re friendly, of course. We live next door to each other, but it’s rare we share a meal with them. In fact, I don’t recall the last time we did. It would have been a gathering with Felix, Gerty, and Danner’s parents too. It was never just two families. It was all or nothing.

“Well, Frau Berger knocked on the door this morning and asked if we were free for dinner tonight. She’s invited us over. I told her I would make a loaf of bread, a pie, and dumplings.”

“Is this dinner party just for you, Papa, and Otto’s parents?” I’m still confused by the last-minute plan.

Mama stops and pulls a dishrag off her shoulder, flour snowing everywhere as she wipes her flour covered hands off on the fabric. “No, of course not. You and Otto will be there too, obviously.”

Otto didn’t mention this to me last night when we had dinner together then went for a walk through the square in Altstadt. For that reason, I must assume this was Frau Berger’s idea.

“Are we celebrating something?” I ask, the nerves in my stomach growing angrier with the questions floundering in my head.

“Not that I’m aware of. Do you know of anything we might be celebrating?” There’s a smirk on her face and it sends a chill down my spine.

“I don’t see what’s so funny about this. I don’t like surprises, Mama. If you know something and aren’t telling me, please don’t keep it from me.”

Mama steps in closer to me and places her flour covered hands on my shoulders and kisses each of my cheeks. “You need to be calm, darling. Everything is fine. There’s nothing you should be worried about.”

“I didn’t say I was worried, but I don’t like the unexpected.”

“Even if it’s something wonderful?” she asks, her smile still present.

“You know something,” I state.

I realize I’m clenching my fists tightly by my sides and my neck is starting to sweat. Otto must be behind this. We’ve been dating on and off for a while and he talks about the future as if it’s already here, but I always thought it was just talk, not something that would really start now. Even when we got back together, it was with an understanding that we both needed to focus on our studies and put us second.

Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. It could be that Otto heard some good news between late last night and this morning. My stomach just says otherwise.

“I don’t know any more than you do, but Frau Berger did seem more chipper than usual so I figure the invitation has to be for a good reason, right?”

“You mean, as in, perhaps Danner came home?” The thought brightens my mood, lifting my hope when I know it shouldn’t, but without hope…there’s nothing.

Mama reaches behind my neck for my braid and pulls it over my shoulder, sliding her fingers down the silky weave. “Emilie, you speak as if you’re a heartbroken widow. I know you miss your friend and I miss mine too, trust me, I do, but I think we both know that until this war ends, they won’t be coming home. It isn’t safe here for them and even if they could come back, from what I’ve heard, the borders are locked down. To care about Danner means to want him to be somewhere safe, and Germany is not a safe place for him.”

Everything she’s saying is true, but my heart is broken regardless of whether I’m a widow. It hurts just as much today as it did a year ago. I don’t want to imagine a pain much worse.

“Yes, I know, Mama.”

“Okay,” she says, sweeping a fallen strand of hair behind my ear. “Go freshen up. Dinner is soon.”

Papa closes our front door behind us as we set off to make the quick walk next door to Otto’s house. I hold two fingers against my opposite wrist, counting the beats of my pulse. My heart is racing. I would never expect anyone to assume how little I enjoy surprises so I’m forthcoming about what causes me discomfort, which is why I can’t understand why anyone would knowingly cause me stress. Maybe this is a bad omen for becoming a nurse. I suppose nurses need to be able to handle the unexpected, but in those cases, I work better under tension. My mind just likes to contradict itself, I guess.

Mama knocks on the Bergers’ front door, and we hear the scampering of feet as someone comes closer to the other side. I wrap my arms around my stomach, squeezing at my nerve pain.

Frau Berger opens the door, a red lipstick lined smile stretches from cheek-to-cheek. “Welcome. I’m so glad you were able to come over for dinner at such short notice.”

Why was it short notice? There must be a reason.

“We’re so flattered you thought of us,” Mama replies.

I glance over at Mama, realizing my hands are empty, aside from holding my own body upright. She has two stacked serving dishes and Papa has the pie and loaf of bread in his hands. This is unlike me. I’m usually the first to offer to hold or carry something, especially for my parents. My head is just floating in a thick set of storm clouds right now.

“Come on inside. Stefan is pouring drinks and Otto is setting the table.” Why didn’t Otto greet us at the door?

The moment we step inside, the warmth of burning firewood embraces us. Frau Berger takes the serving dishes from Mama and rushes them into the kitchen before returning for the pie and loaf of bread. The three of us remove our coats and hang them on the tall rack next to the large brass mirror.

Herr Berger turns the corner and dips his hands into his pockets. “Welcome. Come, have a seat in the dining room,” he says, waving us toward him.

I’ve been inside their house more times than I can count, and though everything looks as it usually does, nothing feels familiar. Otto greets me as I step beneath the arched entryway to the dining room, taking my hand in his.

“You’re here,” he says, as if it’s a surprise to him too.

I press up on my toes to lean in closer to his ear. “What is this all about?” I utter beneath my breath.

“It’s a bit of a story, but there’s nothing to worry about,” he says, placing a soft kiss on my cheek. The grip of his hand eases my nerves a touch but not enough to mask the panic pinching at my stomach.

“May I help you in the kitchen?” Mama asks Frau Berger.

“Yes, I could help as well,” I follow.

“No, no, sit down. You’re our guests tonight,” Frau Berger says, disappearing into the kitchen.

We all take our seats around their large oval shaped table, covered in a gold satin tablecloth, and set with fine China.

Frau Berger returns with a platter of deviled eggs and salmon-cucumber bites and places them down on the table.

“Would anyone care for a short glass of Schnapps? We also have Fanta, mulled cider, and beer,” Herr Berger asks, peering around the table with a pleased expression. Any time I see him, it’s after a long day of work and he appears worn, tired, and less than enthusiastic to be doing much more than sitting in his smoking chair near the radio.

“The mulled cider sounds wonderful,” Mama says.

“Yes, it does. I’ll have the same, please,” I follow.

“I’ll have Schnapps with you,” Papa says, nodding toward the glass in front of Herr Berger’s seat.

“Me as well, Father,” Otto says.

The process of pouring drinks and Frau Berger settling down at the table feels like it took days rather than minutes. The urge to bounce my knees has my ankles crossed so tightly, I might be bruising myself.

“There must be a lovely occasion for a spread like this,” Mama insists.

“In fact, there is,” Herr Berger replies. I peer at Otto from the corner of my eye, watching him take a drink from his glass of Schnapps. “As you know, my brother, Dietrich, moved in with us two years ago. He’s at a meeting tonight so we thought it would be a good time to have some intimate family time, just the six of us.”

“That man must be at a lot of meetings. I hear him leaving before the sun rises and return late into the night,” Papa replies.

“He’s certainly a busy man, as hard as it is to admit, my youngest brother has become quite a success in his medical career. As of late, he’s been involved with an extraordinary study, working on cancer diagnostics. I’ve been working with him in a different capacity over the last year or so, and he’s already been asked to expand the team. We’ve been accomplishing wonderful future-changing progress and Dietrich’s agency is eager to invite Otto to join the team.”

Confusion is an understatement to what I’m feeling, but with an explanation such as what I just heard, I think I might have been wrong about this occasion having anything to do with me. I should feel relieved at that thought, but I’m still not sure what this has to do with my family.

“How wonderful,” Mama says. “What a marvelous study to be involved in—just the thought of being a part of something so vital to humanity is quite refreshing to hear at a time like this.”

“Agreed,” Papa says, taking a pull from his glass of Schnapps. “Good for you—all of you. Wonderful news.” Papa’s short statements hint at his confusion too. He isn’t sure what to make out of this announcement, especially with Dietrich out for the evening. I thought Mama might have known something earlier, but she must have been making assumptions too.

Otto still has another two years of school to complete. “How will you work while you’re taking classes full time?” I ask Otto, trying to understand the gravity of this exciting news.

Herr Berger holds his finger up with a gleeful smirk. “Ah, this is the best part. There’s time. The evolving program is in a constant realm of development and the agency, Dietrich, are able to wait until Otto receives his degree. You see, with the support my brother is receiving, anyone who works with him will be given many benefits including high level wages and housing for he and his spouse. The opportunity is one in a million.”

He slipped the word spouse into his sentence and didn’t think I would hear him, maybe. I don’t see how a spouse fits into this opportunity.

“A spouse, you said?” Mama repeats. I wish she hadn’t, and so does the napkin on my lap because I’ve unraveled a thread so far and the hem is coming loose.

“Yes, Frau Marx,” Otto says, pushing his chair away from the table.

My body turns to ice as I stare between Herr and Frau Berger, focusing on the chevron pattern of the blue and green wallpaper.I can’t figure out how to move.

“Emilie,” Otto says, his words soft, shy, and intimate even though we’re surrounded by our families.

My hands begin to shake but I tear my gaze away from the wall and turn toward Otto, finding him down on one knee. I don’t like surprises. He knows this about me. I should be ecstatic, over the moon, and eager for the impending question. Yet, I feel like I’m under a surgical lamp being observed by a class of medical students. Everyone can’t feel this way when someone is about to ask them to marry them. I have no one to ask and I wish Gerty were here. She should be here. I would have said I wanted her here if I had known what was happening tonight.

“I know we have time and we’re young, still working toward our career endeavors, but when my father was telling me this wonderful news, I began to imagine you and me living together in a beautiful home, sharing meals at our dining room table while babbling about medical research. Down the road, we’d have a family of our own, and my imagination got the best of me because I could picture it all too clearly. When I snapped out of my daze, I thought about how fickle life is now, how fast everything changes, and what if you didn’t know I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and we drifted apart somehow. I don’t want that. I want to be with you, and if I know that for certain, I couldn’t think of another reason to delay asking you to marry me, even if we have a two-year long engagement first so we can both finish our classes. I know you want to focus on your studies, and I do too. I just want us to be able to support each other as we work toward our future together.” He reaches for my hand, likely noticing my trembling fingers. “Emilie Marx, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

Time. Time is everything and I love that he has considered my desire to focus on my classes before moving on to the next big event in my life. I’m not facing my parents, but I can sense their desire to shove me into Otto’s arms, knowing I’ll be stepping into a well-cared for life just as they wanted for me. Just as Danner wanted for me. He made me promise I would land here with Otto if possible. He told me it was all he wanted for me.

I consider my options, the yes, or the no, and with the no, it’s clear my life won’t be anything like what I imagined. It would be a series of surprise events because I’ll have chosen a different path. This path is comfort, known, with plans set in stone. It’s with Otto, and I do love him dearly.

I do.

I shake my head before the word “yes” forms on my tongue, but I know he noticed the trail of thoughts running through my mind as I came to a decision.

“I’d be honored to be your wife.” The words tremble against my tongue with a foreign sensation.

Our parents are shrieking with cheers and clinking glasses as Otto slips a beautiful gold band onto my ring finger then stands up, blushing with a smile that warms my heart.

“I love you,” he whispers into my ear. We haven’t shared these words before. The only man I’ve ever confessed my love to was Danner, but he didn’t reply the same.

“This was all so unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier,” I say.

I wrap my arms around his neck, and he arches down to kiss me.

“I promise you that will be the last surprise from me.”