20. Emilie

TWENTY

Munich, Germany

I’ve been studying for an exam on the nervous system for the past four hours, and my eyes are beginning to cross while rereading the pages of my textbook again and again. Seeing as the nervous system is the most complex system within our bodies, I would think this subject would come a bit later in the year, but we’re moving along at a fast pace in the classes I’m in. I can only imagine what Otto must be learning in the doctor’s program.

“Emilie,” Mama calls for me, shouting louder than the static riddled radio.

“Yes?” I reply, matching her volume.

“You have company. Danner is here.”

His name is enough of a reason to slap my book shut and take a much-needed break. He hasn’t come to visit in a while. We typically just see each other outside when either of us are coming or going from somewhere. Ever since his surprise birthday party, he’s been spending more time locked up in his house. I assume it has something to do with the fact that his father hasn’t been released yet. I know they’re all worried sick about him.

“It’s so lovely to see you. You look well. How are things at home?” Mama is plying Danner with questions, which is the last thing he needs. If he’s found enough reasons to stop visiting, Mama’s curiosity isn’t going to entice him to visit more.

I find Danner at the front door, his dark hair swept to the side, sunlight highlighting his hazel eyes, and a hint of a smile I haven’t seen in a long time. He’s dressed in long dark slacks and a gray-blue button-down shirt. He looks different somehow, but I’m not sure what it is about him that’s changed. It’s only been a few days since we’ve crossed paths outside, but we didn’t have the time to talk for long.

“You’re looking quite handsome,” I tell him.

“Emi,” he says with a chuckle. “I’m sure your mother has told you to allow a gentleman to compliment you before you start throwing flattery out to him, hasn’t she?”

“She doesn’t listen to a word I say, Danner. You know that…” Mama says, flicking my braid to the side.

I grab Danner by the shoulders and push him back out the door while glaring at my mother over my shoulder. “We’ll be back. We’re taking a walk,” I say, closing the door.

I look him up and down, still trying to figure out what’s different. “You know, you haven’t stopped by in so long, I was beginning to think we weren’t neighbors anymore,” I say with a sigh.

He doesn’t respond right away, but we silently agree to take a familiar shortcut between the houses that leads to a grove of trees that encircle half of our street. It’s as far from the city as we can be while still living in the city. It’s always an enjoyable escape.

“I haven’t been by your house because you’re a taken woman. It would be inappropriate to stop by as much as I used to,” he finally says.

“Taken? I’m not taken by anyone, and that’s a silly reason.”

Danner clasps his hand around my shoulder to stop me from walking. I already know what he’s going to say, though. “You and Otto are dating. You’re together, and that calls for a bit of distance between you and other men,” he states.

“We were together. I guess you and I haven’t had a proper conversation in a while.”

“You aren’t together now? What happened? I thought everything was perfect.”

I appreciate that he’s able to make such a statement without cynicism, because I might not have been so mature if I were in his shoes, and he was with Gerty. But that’s neither here nor there because we are by law, incompatible.

“Well, when my nursing classes began a couple months ago, I became overwhelmed with the workload, and all the while, he wanted to spend all his free time with me. I guess he doesn’t need to study as hard as I do.” Maybe he’s studying more now, at least. “Anyway, I told him I need to focus on classes right now. We still see each other every day but the ‘together’ part is on hold until I can get a handle on the amount of homework and studying I have.”

Or that’s what I’ve told myself. It was all too much to balance at once. I thought I might suffocate. I glance over at Danner, wondering why he’s so quiet and unresponsive to what I’m saying, but there’s another hint of a smile. I think he’s desperately trying to hide this one.

“You’re the smartest woman I’ve ever met, Emi, and I know you will always make the right choices in life.” I don’t think he was thinking that when Otto and I were together for those few months, but he said otherwise.

“I don’t know about that, but I think it’s important to focus on this opportunity with nursing school. I don’t want to risk getting kicked out before I’ve made it through the first year.”

Danner scuffs his shoes against the freshly fallen leaves and hums with thought. “Well, whoever ends up in your caring hands will be better off after. The world needs a nurse like you.”

“I hope so,” I tell him. We continue to walk further into the settlement of trees and the silence grows for a short minute. “Danner, did you just stop by to let me talk your ear off?”

He lets out a heavy sigh, one that sounds full of relief. “No, but you know I’d listen to you for hours before you realized you’ve been doing all the talking.” Finally, a real smile to admire, one with pearly whites, and all. He was the friend with all the jokes, the infectious laughter, and the person who I couldn’t help but smile at. Then, his voracious personality began to fade, alongside the acceptance of Jewish people in this country. I know the real Danner is still there, buried beneath layers of fear.

“You listen better than anyone I know, but you know I can stay quiet long enough to listen too, right?”

Danner screws his lips to the side and shakes his head. “I don’t know about that…”

His comment garners a nudge from my elbow to his waist. “So then…what did you want to talk about?”

Sun beams break through the branches in front of us, pinning us in a blinding spotlight. I hold my arm above my forehead to shield my eyes, wondering why he’s been quiet again for more than a long breath.

Danner’s hand seems to fly out of nowhere, wrapping around my elbow to pull me out of the direct light and behind one of the larger trees so we can see each other in the shadow. “Emi, my mother received a letter.”

“From your father?” I ask, hoping that’s what he’s going to say.

He drops his shoulders following a sharp grimace. “I’m afraid not.”

“Then, who from?”

Danner tilts his head to the side, his eyes lingering on mine as he takes his time putting his words together. The pause makes my stomach twist and turn in pain. “The Third Reich has decided to force all Germans with Polish blood to return to Poland.”

“Polish blood?”

“My grandparents on my father’s side and my grandmother on my mother’s side are all Polish, and I guess it wasn’t a secret from the government.”

I place my hand over my eyes, bewildered. “Wait, so…you’re saying—you’re moving out of Munich?”

Danner shrugs and puffs out his chest. “It’s not by choice. We aren’t even sure where we’ll go when we get there, but they made it clear that we shouldn’t plan on returning.”

All the blood in my body rushes to my chest and my limbs tingle into a cold numbness. “I—but you can’t—” without another passing thought, tears spill from my eyes.

I can’t be here without him. We’ve always been here together.

“I don’t want to go, Emi.”

“Then don’t,” I cry out, my statement reckless, knowing none of us has a say in anything anymore.

He presses his hand to his chest. “I’m—I’m leaving in three days.”

I shake my head as my lungs constrict, preventing air from coming or going. “No, you can’t?—”

Danner wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest—a place I always long to be, even when I shouldn’t be. He’s my home. I can’t compare the feeling to anything else. He lowers his forehead to rest on my shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he says, his words trailing into a raspy sob.

“This isn’t fair,” I whimper, clutching the back of his shirt into my fists.

“Nothing is fair when it comes to war,” he says.

I try to breathe through this new sense of grief, but I can’t find enough air to fill my lungs. “My heart is broken. I’m broken. This hurts too much not to fight. We must fight this. You can’t leave, Danner. We’re supposed to be side-by-side, the best of friends for ever and ever. We made that promise.” I know my words are just words. All our words have only been words. Words spoken by children and teenagers, and now…whatever we are on the brink of adulthood.

“I’ll do whatever I can to get back to you, but if I can’t, please don’t ever think it’s because I didn’t want to.”

His hands slide away, the touch of his fingertips fade as he steps away.

“No,” I whimper. “You can’t leave me without you.”

“Emi, listen to me,” he says, submitting to his distance. He doesn’t understand that I don’t think like many of the Germans. I’m not afraid. I’ll love who I want…if that person allows me. “I want you to work things out with Otto when you’re ready. He’ll take care of you, and give me peace of mind. Will you do that for me?”

“I want to go with you,” I say.

“I want you to come with me too, but you can’t. You must listen. Please, Emi. If you love me, you will settle down with Otto and live the life you deserve. I need to know you’ll do this for me.” He’s suggesting a forever plan. He isn’t planning to return.

The tear-filled-eyes blur his expression, but I know he’s waiting for me to agree. “I love you. I love you more than I could ever love another person.” He’ll return the words, but I don’t need to hear them because I feel it every time he looks at me.

Love is a feeling, not a word.

“So, you’ll do that for me?” he presses.

I’ve been afraid of saying goodbye to him so many times throughout the years, but this time…it’s real. It’s happening, and there’s nothing I can do or say to stop it. The heaviness in my chest is weighing me down, forcing me to fight gravity.

“I must go. Do you want to walk home with me?” he asks. “I don’t want to leave you here like this.”

A cry hitches in my throat as I try to respond. “I’ll be okay here on my own. I can’t go home yet. This all hurts too much.”

Danner takes a step away, then another, and I can feel the distance growing between us like two magnets pulling us from opposing sides. We’re losing each other, even though we never quite had each other.

I gasp for air through another sob, clutching at my chest, wishing the pressure from my hands would release some of the pain. I clench my eyes shut and fall back against the tree, letting the tears flow.

But as I’m about to sink to the floor, the sunlight disappears and a force pins me against the trunk of the tree, strong arms tangling around my waist. The world spins around me in a fog as his lips crash into mine, for the first time in the thirteen years we’ve known each other.

I’ve lost the ability to breathe, think, or be anything but inside this moment. He’s squeezing me so tightly, holding on to me like I’m a crumbling ledge. I feel like we’ve become one person.The pieces of my shattered heart burst inside of me, like a snow globe being shaken with all of someone’s might.

“You will always be mine,” he mutters against my lips. “No matter what. You’re mine. Forever.”

I lock my arms around his neck, desperate for another touch of his lips. I’ve spent too many years imagining this moment, but now I know it’s always been an unrealistic reverie. His hands cup my cheeks, making the tears dry and disappear.

But like every living, breathing thing, we need air. We need to part and go back to our separate paths. There cannot be an us, only me and him.

“This can’t be over…we never got the chance for it to begin,” I utter.

He presses the tip of his nose to mine. “We have this memory to keep.”

“I need more. I need more time, more memories…more of you. Please,” I cry, knowing it isn’t he who has the final say.

“I’d spend forever with you if I could, Emi. But, since we can’t have that, I just want your promise that you’ll be happy, content, and cared for. By Otto.”

I tighten my arms and press up on my toes to rest my cheek on his shoulder. “Danner…”

“Promise me, please. I beg of you…” he says, breathlessly.

The words swell in my throat. “I…”

“Say it,” he demands in a hoarse whisper.

“I promise…”

Danner kisses me once more—so briefly I might have imagined it—then turns to leave, disappearing between the trees as if the wind has carried him away.

My knees give out and I slide down against the tree, resting in a pile of leaves. “I promise to always do what my heart tells me to do, Danner.”