16. Emilie

SIXTEEN

Munich, Germany

With a finishing touch to my rose red lipstick, I stare into the mirror, my reflection backlit by a flickering candle on my dresser. I want to look nice tonight since it isn’t often that we get to go out and have fun these days, but it’s Danner’s eighteenth birthday, and there was no way we were going to allow this occasion to go by without a proper celebration. He just doesn’t know about it quite yet.

Munich hasn’t seen its finest days recently, but I’m hoping a celebratory distraction might be a good break, especially for Danner who rarely gets out anymore. It feels like there’s more than a street dividing our lives, and I miss my friend. It’s been two years of fighting how we feel about each other, and when we cross paths, he’s quiet, distant, and not the person I’ve always known. Regardless of all the rules we can’t break, I haven’t given up on keeping him a part of my life—our lives. I couldn’t. Until a month ago, I always told him he was on my mind and that I was thinking about him, even that I love him. Then, one night when we were all together, he pulled me aside and told me not to say things like that anymore. He told me I was breaking his heart in more ways than I could imagine. He pushed me away as hard as he could. It hurt, even more than the last time he reminded me of what could never be.

It’s been four weeks since we’ve spoken but I wasn’t going to let his birthday pass by so I rounded everyone up and planned what I could to celebrate him tonight.

Felix is responsible for bringing him to the pub while Otto, Gerty, and I handle the cake, gifts, and confetti. Felix’s father knows the owner of the pub who was kind enough to let us section off a small area in the back to keep the setting more intimate, the way Danner likes.

“I should have gotten balloons,” Gerty says, pressing her palm to her forehead.

“Danner hates balloons,” I say, laughing.

“I didn’t realize,” she replies. “Interesting.”

“Plenty of people don’t like balloons,” I argue.

“I meant, interesting that you remember such a small detail like that about Danner.”

We’ve all known each other most of our lives. I know trivial details about Gerty, Otto, and Felix too.

A loud scraping noise startles me into spinning around, finding Otto pulling a collapsible folding wall panel across the floor. “Sorry I’m late. My uncle—the one who’s been staying with us the last couple of months—just informed my parents he would like to live with us permanently.” Otto lifts his brows and sucks in a lungful of air. “Anyway, my parents will be here shortly.”

“Your uncle is moving in with you?” Gerty asks. Otto never mentioned an uncle existing before he arrived out of nowhere, and we’ve all met him. He’s an interesting man, but a bit quirky, and he has a habit of mouthing the words we say back to us, as if he needs to speak to them to himself to comprehend. We’ve all made mention of it, but we shouldn’t be so quick to judge. I know better.

“He’s my father’s youngest brother. He can’t exactly say no to him,” Otto replies to Gerty.

“Family is family,” I add.

She gives me a wide-eyed look before straightening the streamer she’s hanging up.

“I’m going to grab the other wall partition. They said we could borrow two tonight to section off the space.”

“That’s perfect,” I cheer.

Otto finishes setting the first one down in place and scoots toward me for a quick embrace. “You look stunning tonight,” he says, looping his arms around my back.

“You look quite dapper yourself,” I reply, my cheeks burning, knowing Gerty is eyeballing us with a giddy smile.

“You two are—” she scoffs. “It’s too much. It’s too perfect. It took way too long but thank goodness you both stopped being so stupid.”

Otto grins with a soft chuckle and leans down to kiss me—something we’ve been doing a lot of recently.

“You smell like vanilla,” Otto mutters against my lips, ignoring Gerty.

“It’s called perfume,” I tease as he flutters his lips along the side of my neck.

All the while, Gerty’s words trickle into my head, one by one, making me think about all the times Otto asked me to go somewhere with him or spend time with him because he had feelings for me. I turned him down with a dozen different excuses, but really it was because I was fixated on Danner until he closed himself up inside his house after pushing me away.

With all of us turning eighteen this year, we’ve become acquainted with beer and other spirits, giving us courage to do and say things we hadn’t before—also the reason Otto and me, me and Otto, us, became a “we” two weeks ago. It’s been a nice distraction.

A strand of hair comes loose from his slicked do and swishes between our foreheads, tickling my nose. I nearly headbutt him when I laugh from the sensation, but he holds me tighter, spins me around, and kisses my cheek. I fit perfectly in his arms with the back of my head against his chest. It’s comfortable—something I’ve always known.

“You’re making me wonder where Calvin is,” Gerty says, peeking down at her watch. Calvin and Gerty have been an item for almost a year and despite what he might know, she already has their entire future planned out for them.

I wriggle out of Otto’s hold to finish setting up the space before anyone else arrives. I asked everyone to get here fifteen minutes before Danner arrives so we can give him a big surprise.

Otto’s parents, my parents, and Felix’s all arrive within seconds of each other. The moms jump right in to help Gerty and me and the fathers center themselves in the middle of us all, not wasting a moment to begin their work-day chatter.

“My parents should be here any second now,” she says, staring down at her watch. “They’re always late.”

“Don’t worry,” I tell her. “We have time.”

I tack one side of a streamer up to the arched entrance, balancing on a wobbling chair.

“So your brother will be living with you?” I hear from the booming conversation behind me.

“Yeah, he’s uh—he’s always been the one without a clear direction in life. My other two brothers knew exactly what they wanted before they finished school, like myself, but Dietrich, he’d be in outer space studying the stars if he could.”

“Long-term family guests always change the dynamic in the household,” Felix’s father, Herr Weber says. “My wife’s brother stayed with us for a couple of months and—I’ll just say, I’m glad he found a job in Austria.”

The men all share an understanding laugh.

“So what will your brother be doing for work?” Papa asks Herr Berger.

“Well, funny enough, following no direction for so long, he did actually settle down a few years back and went back to school to obtain his medical degree. He’s been hired to research for a private governmental agency, promising him the world and more. I couldn’t turn him down when he asked to stay with us. This opportunity could benefit our entire family.”

“Oh, you don’t say,” Papa presses for more information. Papa likes to ask questions and by doing so, seems to manage to stave off questions he doesn’t feel like answering about himself and his job that he doesn’t care for.

“Yes, the agency he’s working with has asked him to build a team. Various roles are needed and I’ve spent time in every department of the chemical plant, they’ve told my brother I’d be an asset to their team. So, I think I’m going to take the leap,” he says, his voice veering off into a high-pitched question.

“Any opportunity nowadays is a good thing. I’d take it and run,” Papa says.

“Absolutely,” Felix’s father says. “Good for you.”

“I’m hoping I can convince my Otto to lean in this direction too. The kid has had his heart set on becoming a pilot, but I think we all know where the world is heading now and I need him to settle down with a stable job and career.”

“I thought Emilie mentioned something about him starting medical school in the fall,” Papa says. “Is that right, sweetheart?” It’s become obvious to them that I’ve spent far too long tacking up this one streamer, but I didn’t want to miss out on this conversation either.

“That’s what he said,” I reply, hopping down from the chair.

“She’s right. He was accepted and will be starting in the fall just like Emilie. I think it’s a good path for him to follow, especially with the promising opportunities my brother continues to talk about.”

I move to the other side of the arch to finish tacking up the streamer. Otto doesn’t seem too excited about the new direction he’s taking, but anytime I ask him why he changed his mind about becoming a pilot, he says he’d like something more stable for his future. It’s clear his father has been filling his head. I can understand where he’s coming from, but a dream is a dream, and why should we give up on doing what we want to do just because our country says so?

Just as I hop down from the chair on the other side, I spot Danner’s parents, Frau and Herr Alesky, arriving—or just Frau Alesky and David. Herr Alesky doesn’t appear to be with them. Maybe he isn’t feeling well.

Frau Alesky spots me and directs her attention to meeting me at the wall partition. “Thank you so much for arranging this celebration for Danner,” she says, a tear forming in her eye.

“It’s our pleasure. Of anyone, Danner deserves to be celebrated,” I say, keeping my voice down.

Frau Alesky takes in a staggered breath and stares up toward the ceiling, her eyes filling with tears. “I wouldn’t miss celebrating my son’s birthday,” she cries softly. “But—” she exhales and cups her hand over her mouth, “Abraham—he left early this morning to pick up a loaf of bread, and upon returning home, he was met by two Gestapo. They…they arrested him.” Tears fall from her eyes as she shakes her head. “They took him away from us. He just went to get bread.”

My heart leaps into my mouth. I can’t stop myself from picturing the scene—how horrifying it must have been. I try to respond but the words feel stuck in my throat. “Why—no—no they couldn’t—why…” My words squeaking as I press my hand to my mouth. “Herr Alesky has never done anything wrong. Not ever,” I argue as if she has any say. She obviously doesn’t.

“It’s not fair,” David says, his expression pinching into tight lines. He sniffles and swallows against the pain evident within his red cheeks. “The Gestapo aren’t just taking people—Jewish people—to prison. They’re sending them off to labor camps.”

This can’t be happening. Danner must be so worried and distraught, and we’re here ready to surprise him with a birthday party.

Frau Alesky pulls in a heavy breath and releases the air slowly so she can try to compose herself. “The Gestapo said he had a traffic violation on his record, and it was means for an arrest.”

Herr Alesky rode his bicycle to the farm most days. The car was only used if someone had to go out of town or across the city, and there couldn’t have been a more careful driver than Herr Alesky. I can’t imagine him breaking a traffic law. “That’s absurd. He couldn’t have?—”

“He seemed to know what they were talking about, but it’s hardly means for an arrest. He said he would take care of it, and he’d be home in a couple of days, not to worry—his famous words.”

“I believe him,” I say, unsure if I truly do. David is right. It’s known that the Gestapo have been sending Jewish people to labor camps for crimes less than an unpaid traffic violation.

Frau Alesky tries to force a quivering smile and gives me a quick hug. “Only time will tell,” she says, her words pinching at the end. “Danner said he would find out where he is and contact a lawyer, if one can be found. There aren’t many Jewish ones left, and no one else will help us.”

“I could help look for a lawyer too. Anything I can do, please—I-I will,” I offer, speaking so quickly I’m not sure she understood what I said.

She nods and stares past me in a sad daze before walking away as if we weren’t in the middle of a conversation.

“Frau Alesky, I—I can cancel the party. I’ll—I’ll send everyone home right away. I can’t imagine sitting here—this is horrible timing. I’ll take care of this all. Why don’t you just?—”

She turns back for me, her expression crumpling with grief as her toes meet mine. “Please, please,” she says, placing her hand on my cheek. “It’s his birthday. I’d rather he be with his friends tonight. What you did—this is special. Don’t send anyone home.”

She steps past me into the private space where more people are beginning to gather.

I grab a hold of David’s arm and pull him in toward me. “Are you okay?”

He shrugs. “What if he isn’t back in a few days?”

I reach up and grab his chin. “Look at me. Your father will do whatever he can to get home to you. You must believe that.”

“Thank you, Emi,” he says, leaning down to give me a lopsided hug. Fifteen and still awkward, but I love him as if he were my little brother. He was just two when I first met him.

“Is Danner okay?”

“You know him. He’s fine until he’s not. He’s sure Papa will be home before tomorrow night.”

“Good. Listen to Danner. He knows best.”

David rolls his eyes at me and steps to the side to move into the room. A few brief minutes pass between the last person arriving and the sight of Felix’s red fedora. I turn toward the gathered group and hold my finger up to my lips while pointing toward the entrance.

I count down with my fingers, creating a perfect moment for Danner to enter while we all shout “Surprise!”

Shocked, Danner’s cheeks burn red, and he turns around to face away, taking a minute to collect his thoughts before spinning back toward us.

“For me?” he asks.

“Who else?” I reply.

He walks toward me, and I open my arms to give him a hug, but he takes my hand and squeezes it gently. “Thank you, Emi. This means so much.”

“It was all of us. We all planned this party to celebrate you.” It was my idea, and I coordinated most everything, but we’re a pack—our group of friends.

He makes his way around the room, giving everyone else warm hugs and words of gratitude, making me wonder if I’ve done something wrong, or if he’s putting on an act for everyone so they won’t think something is upsetting him. No one else knows about his father.

What an awful birthday.

Otto returns to my side, wrapping his arm around me, and hands me a beer glass. I spot Gerty off in the corner, kissing Calvin as if she hasn’t seen him in two years. Felix, David, and Danner are having a private chat off to the other side of the room, and Frau Alesky is sitting at one of the small round tables alone, staring at her reflection in a fork.

“Where is Herr Alesky?” Otto asks.

I stare past them, avoiding the topic their family might not want repeated. “He must not be feeling well.”

“Well, I hope Danner has a wonderful time. It’s a lovely party,” he says, kissing my cheek.

The moment Otto’s lips touch my skin, my eyes lock with Danner’s and for the briefest moment, his eyebrows furrow and he fights a grimace before turning away.

“You know, now that I’ve decided to study medicine like you, next fall when we start classes at the university, we’ll be able to have lunch together and walk to and from school together just like we always did. It’ll just be the two of us, but it will be nice, won’t it?”

My acceptance to the university has been something I’ve had a challenging time wrapping my head around. Most women aren’t accepted, and the nursing program is small. It doesn’t seem real yet and I keep thinking someone will tell me my acceptance was a clerical error, but I pray that’s not the case. I want to be a nurse more than I want anything else. Conversely, Otto just made the decision within the last few weeks to start medical school. He applied and was accepted almost at once, even though he’s never picked up a medical book in his life—at least not that I’m aware of. In fact, he’d never mentioned anything other than the idea of becoming a pilot.

I notice my parents have made their way over to Frau Alesky and are sitting with her. I hope she tells them what’s happened. They’ll comfort her.

Papa stands up from their table only a moment after taking a seat and makes his way over to Danner, pulling him away from Felix and David. The two have a talk in the corner and I wish I knew what they might be talking about.

“Is everything okay?” Otto asks. “Do you like the beer?”

I shake my head, trying to release myself from this trance I’m in, and turn to face Otto. “Yes, of course. I’m just making sure everything is going the way it should.”

“You seem upset.”

“I’m not,” I say, maybe too quickly to be believed.

“Okay then. I’m going to go check on the food order. I’m sure everyone is hungry.”

“That’s a good idea. Thank you.”

Another kiss on my cheek from Otto is like a silent alarm for Danner to glance over at me while still speaking to Papa.

I can’t do this. I can’t act like this is okay. Just because Danner said there could be nothing more than friendship between the two of us, doesn’t mean he should have to watch Otto taking his place. I know the truth and so does Danner. I decide it’s going to be now or never that I speak to Danner because I’m not sure I can go through the night like this, acting like everything is the way it should be.

I try to pace my steps, rather than run to him like I would any other day. He and Papa notice I’m approaching, and Papa places his hand on his shoulder. “We’ll talk later, son,” he says before making his way back to the small table of parents.

“This is a great party,” Danner says.

“Happy Birthday,” I offer, as if it shouldn’t be assumed.

“I wish,” he says.

“I wanted—we all wanted you to have a wonderful birthday.”

Danner stares at me as if I should be able to read the thoughts brewing behind his eyes. “Being here, with you…and the others, there’s not much more I could ask for.”

“We both know that isn’t quite true. I’m sorry if I’ve added more stress to what you’re going through today. I had no idea…”

“Don’t do that. You have never added stress to my life, Emi. You have no control over the world right now, no more than I do, and you couldn’t have known what was going to happen today.”

“But you’re in pain. I can see the pain in your eyes.”

I recognize the feeling, but for a different reason. It pains me, knowing I can’t do something to help him.

I used to lose myself in a daze, staring at his beautiful smile, eager to be near him. Now, I’m not allowed to feel that way, and knowing so silently breaks my heart every time I see him.

“I can see the pain in yours too, Emi.”

My heart feels swollen, like it’s pressing on my lungs, making it hard for me to breathe. “You’ll always have me in your life. You know that, right?” I say, realizing my words won’t make anything better.

“I’m not sure we’ll always have anything. Nothing is set in stone anymore. Our city lost its synagogue last week. I lost my father to the Nazis this morning. I couldn’t even say goodbye. All I have left from him now is a note telling me he went to get bread. There’s no more. So, I’m not sure what is certain now.”

“Me, Danner. I’m not going anywhere. Don’t you believe me?” I’m not sure offering myself up as something he can hold on to will do anything to fix the grief and worry about his father being taken away, but I want him to know we should always hold onto hope. I can offer hope, even if it’s the least I can do.

“I can’t have you, Emilie. Legally, I can’t be with you. So, I’m glad you and Otto have found a connection because if you can’t be with me, I’d be happy knowing you’re with someone we both care about. Nothing will change, and it won’t be long before it’s illegal even to be friends with us Jews, trust me. I do appreciate you finding the one place that will still allow me inside though. I know it isn’t a simple task.”

“I’ve hurt you because?—”

“Because I told you, I wouldn’t put you in danger by getting any closer to you than I am right now. You fought me on the decision, and I fought back. I won, and I’m glad I did. It’s the only way I can protect you.”

I close my eyes, pain slicing through my heart. “I shouldn’t have said yes to Otto when he asked me out a couple of weeks ago. He told me you encouraged him to go for it, and it hurt me, so I said yes. Things just kind of evolved from there.”

“I did encourage him because I don’t want you to be alone. You and Otto should be together. I want—you to be together. You deserve a happy and protected life.”

My heart is shattering again just like it did two years ago and again a month ago when he reminded me that I’m not supposed to love him. Pieces of me keep disintegrating when I hear his words. They should make sense, but they don’t. He doesn’t mean them. I know he doesn’t. But neither of us can change the world.

“Is that why you didn’t give me a hug?” I bite my cheek, trying my hardest not to let my emotions get the best of me.

“Yes,” he says, reaching around me to pull me in for the hug I didn’t receive. If I could melt into him, into this moment, into a different world and life, I would without hesitation. “And I’m sorry.”

“Danner, I can’t stop the way I feel… Despite what we can or can’t be, I’ll always love you for the person, the friend, and the more you have been to me.”