9. Emilie

NINE

Munich, Germany

The first day of a new school year is something I’ve always dreaded. People change over the summer break and are never the same again. Today is especially difficult because Gerty and I are in a different school now. Boys and girls are separated for educational purposes. At sixteen, none of us seems happy with the change.

Gerty gazes longingly out the classroom window, likely waiting for Jerald, her boyfriend of one year, to walk by. Though, he should be in his school too.

“At least we have each other,” I remind her through a whisper and a smile.

“Thankfully, or I’d go mad being stuck here alone. Never ever leave me, okay?”

“Never leave me either,” I say back, holding out my pinkie for her to grab and swear with.

A new teacher would make sense at a new school, and sure enough I don’t recognize the woman walking into the classroom with her nose pointed to the ceiling.Every chair scrapes against the floor at once as we hop to attention, hailing her by extending our right arm toward the ceiling with a straight hand.

“Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler,” we shout in unison before returning to our seats. Gerty and I share a look and roll our eyes, knowing the teacher hasn’t turned to face the class yet.

“Heil Hitler,” she replies, turning toward the chalkboard to scribble out her name. Frau Heine. “As you should already be aware, this class is a required general education class: Racial Awareness. You’re all expected to learn your racial duties to serve the national community, understand biology, and politics. If you have any questions, the answer will be in the textbook, and if not, you may stay after class.”

She hasn’t made eye contact with anyone. She must not want to be here. Rather than focus on her, we’re all forced to keep our focus straight ahead at the board where a large poster of Hitler hangs. The sight of him makes my stomach burn.

“I’ll be passing out the textbooks now and we’ll get started right away.”

The thud of a book hits my desk and rattles my seat. I open the front cover, finding yet another display of Hitler’s face. I blink for an extra-long second, and flip to the next page before returning my attention to the front board while the teacher continues handing out the books.

“Is that Danner?” Gerty whispers, covering her mouth with one hand and pointing out the window with her other.

I follow the tip of her finger, spotting Danner running past the school window toward the exit gates, dragging David by the arm. Despite whatever trouble I might get in, I scoop up my book and grab my satchel before escaping the classroom behind the teacher’s back. She must see me leave but doesn’t stop me.

I move through the hallway as fast as I can before pushing my way out the main door. “Danner, wait!” I shout after him.

“No, no, go back to class, Emi. Please.”

“Stop running. Tell me what’s wrong,” I demand.

He slows down, but doesn’t stop. He knows I’ll keep running after him, which I do until I grab a hold of his arm.

“I told you to go back to class,” he says, avoiding my stare.

I grab his chin and force him to look at me, finding tears in his eyes. “What happened?”

He closes his eyes and grits his teeth. David is oddly quiet beside him, shuffling his weight from one foot to the other. “His first class was on racial impurity with a focus on Jews and their inferior race,” David says. “I have the same class, but it wasn’t first on my schedule today. This is the government’s way of getting us to leave on our own. It worked.”

David suddenly sounds like an adult rather than the little boy flying around his living room like a jet. Not only is he catching up to Danner in height, but his voice has gotten deeper too. Regardless, for only thirteen, he knows much more than he should.

Danner’s staring down at me but his gaze is vacant. “You can’t let them win,” I say.

“Them?” Danner finally speaks. “Them, Emi? Aren’t we them? They are us? We’re German, but I’m a German Jew, no longer the same as anyone else here.”

“We both know your religion doesn’t define you,” I whisper the words that would get me into more trouble than I’d like to imagine.

“You can’t stand on this side of the fence. I won’t let you. You’re going to get yourself hurt and in trouble. I’ve done what I can to fight off this blatant hatred, but they all stare at me in class. The teacher acted like my seat was empty and didn’t give me papers or a textbook.”

“I’ll go get them for you,” I tell him.

“No, you won’t. Don’t go in there. The school is for boys only and I can’t have you going in there or anywhere to defend me. It’s dangerous.”

“Danner, please, you can’t give up.” Even I sound uncertain. Our altered curriculum without history, art, and library time, has been replaced by additional physical education. Danner maybe better off learning on his own.

He takes a sharp breath and shakes his head before placing his hands on my shoulders. “Emi, look at me, now,” he says. “Go back to your classroom. Tell your teacher you felt sick but you’re okay now. David and I are going home. I’ll be waiting for you at the end of the day, and we’ll talk then. I need time to think about what’s next for us. You’re right to fight for everything you believe in, and I’ll do the same, but only until it is too dangerous. I won’t risk our lives for a fight we won’t win. I know what side you’re on and what side I’m on—we’re on the same side and it’s all that matters, okay?”

My eyes well up with tears as I listen to his wise words. But my heart shatters, knowing he’s right when I wish him to be wrong. I can’t fathom walking back into class to hear the hateful lectures about Jewish people. This is how Hitler plans to change Germany’s youth. I won’t go along with the hatred. I’m in this world to help and heal people. Therefore, I pray Hitler receives help for his instability and a cure for the evil blood running through his veins.

“We’re supposed to go through life together,” I tell Danner, my voice wobbling. “You told me we’d always be together.”

We’re only sixteen but I’m certain he’s my future, and I’m his. We’ve said this for so long. I’ve known it since the day I knew he cared about me the same way I cared about him, back when we were thirteen.

“You still have Gertrude, Felix, and Otto. You aren’t alone.” He pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me tightly. He’s grown so tall, my ear must be parallel to his heart because I can hear the pounding loud and clear.

“I’m not worried about them. It’s you I can’t leave behind,” I say.

“We might not have a choice, Emi, and it wouldn’t be by my say so or my desire because I can’t imagine living life without you by my side. But look where we are—look at the laws being enforced. We cannot be in a relationship of any sort or we’ll both be arrested. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“No one needs to know about us,” I say through gritted teeth. “We’ve kept our feelings for each other quiet for long enough. We can continue to hide the truth in public.” Despite how badly I want to walk around the city hand in hand, it’s not something we can chance. No matter where we are, we have to be discreet. Our parents and friends would worry for our safety and the public wouldn’t approve. It’s as if we’re each trapped in a glass jar—two separate ones, reaching for each other, knowing there’s nothing we can do to make our way any closer. We share our feelings. We hug, and sometimes there have been passing kisses on cheeks, but that’s all there can be without a risk. I want to forget about the risks. I want to break down the glass walls and live out our dreams, which may only ever be dreams about him.”

“It’s too dangerous. Gerty teases you about us. She doesn’t mean any harm, but she knows even if you haven’t admitted it out loud. Felix and Otto have both said things to me too. They know, even though I didn’t confirm. It’s only a matter of time before more people notice the way I look at you, or the way your cheeks turn red every time you smile at me. This breaks my heart in more ways than I can possibly explain, but we have to follow the laws. We can’t be together, not in the way we want to be. You need to be free from me despite what either of us want.”

“I don’t want to be free from you,” I cry out.

Danner’s chin trembles and he bites down on his lip. “God, Emi, this hurts too much. You know how much you mean to me. Don’t ever question that…ever. Please, go back to school. Please. I feel like I can’t breathe right now,” he says, gasping for air.

“Stop talking like you’re saying goodbye, Danner.” I pull away and wipe the tears from my cheeks. “Don’t ever say these things again, do you understand?”I clutch my hands against my chest, wishing I could tear my heart out to stop the pain.

A tear from his eye matches my own as he looks down between us. “Everything will be okay,” he says, turning around and walking away. For what might be forever.