Chapter 8

GARVIN HAD kissed him. It was a small step, and yet a big one, and from the way Garvin's eyes goggled, it seemed it had had as much of an effect on him as it had on William. And the interesting thing was that it had taken a lot less time than William had thought it would. Garvin was a thinker, and he mulled shit over in his head for a long time. But this was different, almost impulsive. Regardless, William was grateful for it, but he didn't want to push. Right now, Garvin was dozing, and after the morning and afternoon they'd had, it was no wonder.

He watched the movie and gazed at Garvin, with Sasha watching them. "Do you need to go out?" William asked, and Sasha perked up. William carefully got up, paused the movie, and let Sasha outside. It was a little after five-thirty and already pitch-dark. Sasha hurried out and came right back. William closed the door, added more wood to the fire, and settled on the sofa once again without waking Garvin.

Sometimes William wondered about his life and the choices he made… or didn't. It seemed that so many of the choices in his life had been made for him. Either that, or they hadn't been made at all. So much had fallen into his lap because of how he looked, because of how he walked… sometimes because he was in the right place. Things just happened. But this, with Garvin, wasn't like that. He needed to work for it, and he knew it was what he wanted. As the movie played, William sat watching Garvin and the way his hand lightly stroked his dog, even though he was asleep.

They had done well today, helping to save lives, but the best thing to happen was Garvin. He reached out, shifting on the cushions, and William took his hand, lightly caressing his rough fingers. Immediately Garvin settled back down and grew quiet, a soft smile on his lips.

Damn it all. William had tried to keep his feelings for his friend in check for years. First he had a husband, and then after John passed, he kept his distance. After that, Garvin had been so deep in his grief that he never came out. Maybe William was stupid to wait so long, but the heart wants what it wants. Now things seemed so close, and maybe he could have what he wanted.

Except Garvin was here in the wilds of Alaska, and William's life and work were in LA. Coming up here to find Garvin had been wildly impulsive and the best decision he'd made. But what about when his visit came to an end? Not that they had made promises to each other or even said anything that could lead William to believe that Garvin felt the same way, but there it was. William was falling right into his usual habit. He had completely fallen for someone he wanted but probably couldn't have, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Garvin started awake, looking around and then settling once more.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just weird dreams." He sighed and lay back again. "I was at the avalanche site, but things were so different."

"It was only a dream." William squeezed his hand.

"But it wasn't. I think it was my mind putting pieces together." He sat up. "On the next nice day, I want to go back out there. I want to return to where those people were found. There were things out there that weren't right. I can see if Enrique will go with me."

"I'll go, only this time I want to drive."

Garvin chuckled. "Maybe I can see if we can borrow an extra machine so you can have your own."

William shook his head, leaning closer. "No. See, I want you to ride behind me, your arms around my waist, your body pressed to mine. I want you to know what that feels like… for hours… and not be able to do anything about it." He winked, and Garvin groaned.

"I think I felt just how much you enjoyed that."

William cleared his throat. "Maybe, but mostly I was hanging on, afraid I was going to go flying when you went over some of those bumps." He hit Garvin with a glare. "Anyway, I'd be curious about what you might have found."

Garvin leaned forward excitedly. "That's just it. I'm not sure, but I think there were things there that shouldn't have been. But I was so focused on the task at hand that I'm not really sure what my mind picked up. While I slept, my mind showed me stuff that kind of makes sense… maybe. "

"Then we'll go as soon as the weather allows for it." And just like that, he was volunteering to go out into the cold once more. He could hardly believe it. William had never liked the cold. He was a warm-weather person, but he was discovering he'd go just about anywhere with Garvin. "We should make something to eat. Enrique's late lunch was good, but I'm still hungry."

Garvin got up. "Me too. I have some things that I can heat up quick. Nothing fancy." He opened the refrigerator, and Sasha went over, probably to see what was in store for him. "I have some soup, but we had that earlier. There isn't a lot of variety sometimes." He pulled out sandwich fixings and set them on the counter. "In winter we tend to take what we can get."

"It's okay," William said as he joined him at the small counter. He made up a sandwich, but instead of beer, Garvin brought out bottles of juice and water.

"We need fluids, and beer isn't going to help us." They each drank some juice and then settled for water while they ate their sandwiches. William didn't feel the need to fill the silence with sound, and Garvin didn't seem to either. It was companionable and pleasant… until William's phone rang.

He picked it up, yawning. "Hey, Arnie." His booking agent. "What's up?"

"I have a couple of bookings for you, and I have three requests for Paris Fashion Week. Procter & Gamble is interested in you as a spokesman for a new dish detergent. When will you be back? They want to meet with you."

He sighed. "I don't know. Give me a little time. I'll be glad to Zoom with anyone and confirm for Paris, okay?" He knew he needed to go back eventually, but he had hoped he could have a little time away without too much pressure.

"I'll do my best. I can probably set up something with P&G for next week. But there are other potential jobs in the works, and they are going to want to meet with you before pulling the trigger."

"I understand." William met Garvin's worried gaze with a smile. "Just give me some time." He ended the call and set the phone aside.

"You still with Arnie?" Garvin asked. "I never liked that guy."

William rolled his eyes. "Really? I never would have figured that out. Before you left, you spent three years calling him Barney Blabbertwit." He had to smile at the memory, because Garvin had been right, Arnie did talk too much, but he got things done.

Garvin grinned. "I forgot about that. Thanks for reminding me. So what did the Barney of all Barneys want?"

"Really? Is that what you're going for? You couldn't have come up with something more original?" William loved the way he could tease Garvin and he never got mad.

"What? I haven't had any time to come up with better. I haven't thought about him in years. God, I would have thought that you'd have found someone else. I always like to picture him as the model for Barney Rubble. He even kind of looks like him: short, squat, and dumpy. All he needs is a club and he'd have the look down."

William stood close, his hands on his hips. "I'll have you know that Arnie has gotten me some great jobs. And I know he's different." He leaned right into Garvin's space. "But so are we, remember?" He held Garvin's gaze until he lowered his head slightly. "He's made me a ton of money in the past few years. Like, piles of it."

Garvin put up his hands. "Sorry. Heaven forbid I disparage the Barney." He curled his lips, and William lost it, collapsing onto Garvin as he slipped his arms around him. William lay with his head against Garvin's side, still chuckling. "So what did he want?"

"He's got some bookings for me. A potential commercial, and some gigs for fashion week in Paris. I'm doing really well. Photographers love working with me, and so do the designers. I have a body that they seem to design clothes for, and I'm easy to work with." He shrugged as Garvin pulled back.

His eyes widened. "I can't see that. You were always the biggest diva of anyone I've ever known."

William shook his head. "Let me ask you something. Would a diva come up here to the wilds of Alaska to find you? Or spend hours out in the frigid cold and snow to try to find people lost in an avalanche? I know you always thought I was flighty and self-absorbed, and maybe I was. Maybe I didn't think about anyone other than myself and damn the consequences. But I've changed. I grew up and figured out some shit. "

"I see," Garvin said flatly.

William wanted to smack him, but he drew closer and kissed him, hard, possessively, like he had wanted to for days. He held Garvin's cheeks, taking control of everything as he pummeled Garvin's lips, giving him all the energy he had. Garvin seemed shocked for a split second, but then he hugged him tighter.

That was all the permission William needed. He tugged up Garvin's shirt and slipped his hand underneath, running it up his hot belly to his chest, tweaking those pert nipples until Garvin groaned against his lips. Then, just when Garvin writhed under him, William pulled back. "No, I don't think you do."

"What…? I thought…." Garvin whimpered, and damn, William liked him that way. His eyes were wide, and his chest heaved as he breathed. It was a damned good look on him.

"I know what you thought. But I have changed. I figured out some shit. I think things through now, in case you haven't noticed. I work hard at what I do, and success has come my way because of it. I don't spend my evenings out with the guys, and I don't go to clubs and dance the night away. I stopped all that shit."

"You did?" Garvin asked.

"Yeah. It was making me look old before my time, and I got this wake-up call. Suddenly the friend I thought would always be there was gone. He just fucking left." William growled as he squeezed Garvin's nipple, getting a hiss for his effort. "Damn, you like that?" He grinned. "Maybe you'll get a little more, but first…." He kissed him again, hard and firm, reveling in Garvin's fresh taste. "You need to understand. I waited for you. I had been for a long time, and then you never got over your grief. I wanted to help you. Fuck, I was always there, even when you called at two in the morning. But then you left, and…." William shrugged. "So I tried to be the person I thought you needed. I cleaned up my act and threw myself into work, trying to be a better version of myself. And I did it. I am that person… but you were still gone." He almost shook as he let all of that out. He had been holding it inside for so long that it poured out of him fast and with little control. Maybe he hadn't changed as much as he thought, though the old William would probably have blurted it out sooner .

"So you decided to try to find me?" Garvin asked.

"Yeah, I did. I figured you'd never come back, so I came looking for you… and nearly froze my ass off. But I came anyway."

Garvin swallowed. "So how long do you have? I know you have to go back. There are jobs you have to take, and your life isn't up here in the middle of nowhere, as you put it. So how long before you have to go?" The way Garvin said it made William think he might actually care.

"A couple of weeks. My agent is setting up some Zoom calls so I can talk to folks, but they are going to want to meet with me before making a final decision. So I have a little time." He hoped he got that long. Things had a habit of changing.

"I see. Is that all Barney wanted?" Garvin asked.

"You know guys like him. He'd feel much better if I were back in LA where he would know where I was and what I was up to." William rolled his eyes. "I think he figures I'm going to go back to doing things like I used to. But I don't think so. I'm not a kid anymore. I probably have two or three good years left and then I'll be too old. Then it will be younger guys who'll push me aside." If he was honest, that was part of what brought him here.

"I see." Garvin held him tightly. "You know, from where I stand, those young guys don't have anything on you."

"I wish that were true. But it's the way of things. Guys like me get older, and younger guys with tighter abs and big pouty lips or gazes that smolder on command are coming up, and they want their spot in the sun. Me, I've had more years in the business than most guys."

"Yet you still are in demand," Garvin pointed out. "So I don't think you have anything to worry about. But I understand. You have to make hay while you can."

"Yeah. But for now, I have a couple of weeks where I don't have to be anywhere. So if you can stand me for that long—"

Garvin cut him off with a kiss that stole away William's words.

"You can stay as long as you like," Garvin whispered.

William swallowed hard, looking deep into those purple-flecked blue eyes. "That wasn't how you felt a few days ago." Damn, why did he always feel the need to poke the bear? Why couldn't he just let things go ?

"Do you really want to talk about this now?" Garvin asked.

William shook his head, glad that Garvin seemed willing to let this particular topic pass.

"Maybe we should head to the other room."

Sasha went over to the door, so Garvin slowly got up and let Sasha out for a few minutes while William added more wood to the stove. It continued putting out heat, and William stretched his hands over the top and rubbed them to soak up the warmth.

Garvin let Sasha back in and wiped his feet off. The dog made a beeline for the bedroom, and Garvin shook his head.

"Let me guess. He's staking out his claim on the bed."

"You better believe it." Garvin locked the door and began turning out the lights. "You know, going to bed used to be such a spontaneous thing when I was younger. No one gave a crap about lights or stoves or anything. It was all about the heat of the moment."

"Out here, I tend to think that spontaneous is probably not the best idea." Still, William took Garvin's hand and led him to the bedroom, where the first thing he did was kick Sasha out of the middle of the bed. "Is everything closed up for the night?" William sat on the side of the mattress.

Garvin nodded, meeting William's gaze with equal heat. "And the cabin is all set. There's nothing to worry about. It will probably snow all night, but the wind has died down again. We will be just fine. I can't guarantee there won't be some other crisis, but it shouldn't be of our making."

"Thank goodness," William breathed and tugged at the base of Garvin's shirt, pulling it up and over his head. "Because I've been waiting for this moment for a long time, and I don't care if there is a flood, an earthquake, or even a tornado…."

"I see." Garvin lowered his arms as William wound his around his waist. The room was chilly, raising goose bumps on William's otherwise smooth skin. "How about we get undressed and under the covers? Otherwise things are going to get shrivelly, and neither of us wants that." He pulled back the blankets before slipping off his shoes and socks and climbing into bed. William did the same, gliding naked under the crisp bedding.

"Dang, it's cold in here." He shivered and rolled onto his side. Garvin slid up to his back, pressing to him, spreading warmth that almost immediately stopped the shivers and added extra heat.

"Just give yourself a chance to warm up. It won't take long," Garvin whispered softly in his ear. Sasha decided it was his turn to join and jumped onto the bed, spreading out over William's feet.

"Your dog is a real cockblocker. I hope he knows that." He lifted his head to glare at the big ball of fur. Sasha blinked at him innocently before lowering his head to the covers.

"Sasha, get down," Garvin told him, but he just lay there. Eventually Garvin got up and led Sasha out of the room. William watched that tight butt bounce as he walked, then welcomed Garvin when he returned and slipped under the covers and into William's arms. "He should stay on the sofa. I made him a nice bed out there."

"If you say so." William drew Garvin into a kiss. He had waited so long for this, and when Garvin pressed him back on the mattress, his weight settling on top of him, William blinked and returned his kisses, reveling in Garvin's solidity.

"I'm glad you came," Garvin whispered. "It's…." He swallowed and seemed at a loss for words.

"I know it's been hard for you to move on." William stroked back Garvin's flopping hair.

He nodded, those big eyes filling with hurt for just a moment. "I honestly never thought I'd feel like this again. I thought that after losing John, real joy and passion would be gone. I doubted it would be possible to find this again."

William paused. "You do know that I'm not John?" The thought of being compared to a man who had been dead for years scared the hell out of him. There was no way he could compete with a distant, much-beloved memory that would only have become more perfect with time.

"Of course you aren't. John is gone," Garvin said.

William held Garvin's hand, his mood cooling. "I know he is. But is he gone for you?" He swallowed and blinked a few times.

"He's been gone for seven years. Yes, I've held on to his memory hard because I thought he and I were meant for each other. That John was my soulmate."

William sighed. "Maybe he was." Suddenly the bed was cold. He had waited years because he thought Garvin was special. Hell, he'd carried a stupid torch for him for years, and maybe it was all an illusion. Maybe he really was the stupidest person on earth and should have just moved on. "And maybe your soul is already filled up." William got out of bed. He grabbed a blanket off the top and wrapped it around him.

"Where are you going?" Garvin asked as William left the bedroom.

He sat on the end of the sofa, pulling the blanket closed and his feet up so he was encased in warmth. What the hell was wrong with him? William was really good at going with the flow, but he needed to take a minute to figure out how things had gone from potentially hot and heavy to him sitting on the sofa alone in a matter of minutes. Maybe he had suddenly had a moment of clarity or finally held a mirror up to himself and realized how pathetic he'd been.

"William," Garvin said softly as he came into the room, also wrapped in a blanket. He sat down next to him, shooing Sasha off. "You know, sometimes when I think I have you figured out, you surprise me completely, and I have no idea what you're going to do or think next."

"Look—"

"No," Garvin said. "You need to know something. John was a huge part of my life, and losing him left me completely lost for a long time, probably longer than it should have. I'll admit now that I should have gotten help coping with the loss. But I couldn't. Getting help would have meant saying goodbye to him and letting go of part of him. So I held on to the grief and hurt because it was all I had left of him."

"I get that. But are you still holding on to it and looking to replace him?" William had always known that coming here was a risk and that it could blow up in his face.

"I know that I still love John and I probably always will, but it isn't like it was when he was alive. Like you said, he's gone and I can't get him back. I never could." Garvin held out his hand. "The truth is that I never compared you to John. The two of you are very different. You remember John—he was quiet, and he had that crooked smile he used whenever he felt uncomfortable."

William nodded. "He was also a complete nerd. He loved games and action figures."

"Yeah, he did. Used to drive me crazy." Garvin got up and went to a box on one of the bookshelves. He pulled out a key and dropped it in William's hand when he returned. "I didn't have the heart to get rid of them when I left, so I put them in climate-controlled storage before I left. All of them." He smiled and then began to laugh. "God, I am such an idiot. I thought that letting them go was letting go of John." He laughed harder. "I hated those damned things."

William began to laugh as well. "I always thought it funny that you made John keep them in that one room in the house."

"I told him he could have whatever he wanted as long as he kept it in there. I never did understand that part of his life. But I didn't have to. Those figures gave him joy, and he loved collecting them and spending his time hunting the damned things down. In the process, he made a fortune selling the gems that he didn't need. They were his passion—"

William shook his head. " You were his passion. We all knew that. John loved you more than anything else, and keeping those figures just demonstrates how much you loved him."

"I did… and I do… but not the same way I did when he was alive. John was a nerd of the highest order… and he was also the most passionate person I have ever met. No one will compare to him, but no one has to. John was an individual, and there's no one else like him, just like there's no one like you." He squeezed William's hand. "I love John, but he would never have gone out with me to look for avalanche victims. He would have stayed back here where it was warm. John hated the cold with a passion. When we went to Las Vegas, it was a hundred degrees. John walked most of the strip and was perfectly happy."

"Yeah. I get that. But…."

Garvin squeezed his fingers. "You will never replace John because you don't need to. These last few nights, I haven't been in bed thinking about John. I've been thinking about you, and when we kissed earlier, I can tell you that I did not even have a ghost of an inkling about John. It was all about you, your scent, the way you felt in my arms… everything was about you." He held William's gaze, and William could barely blink. "So to answer your first question, no, I will not be comparing you to John or him to you. That part of my life is over, and it's long past time that I figure out what comes next."

"That's good. But do you know what you want, or is this some exploration?"

Garvin chuckled. "Life is exploration. When I first met John, I didn't know what I wanted. I was in college and wasn't looking to meet someone who would be that special. In fact, we weren't at first. Things got off to a slow start for us, and the first date was a disaster. He spilled water all over the table and ended up drowning the pizza. It was a soggy mess. I figured that after we got home, he and I would go our separate ways. But John was nothing if not persistent."

"And you agreed to a second date after that?" William asked. Garvin was handsome now, and he had been back then as well. He could have dated any number of guys.

"I almost didn't." Garvin pulled the blanket up over him and then got up to add wood to the stove. "I didn't think he and I had anything in common. I figured we'd end up staring at each other across the table. I agreed anyway, and he took me out for fried chicken. We had a great time and ended up talking about all kinds of things. After dinner, we spent hours sitting outside under the stars." He yawned, covering his mouth with his hand. "He and I went out after that, and things clicked between us."

"I never had anyone like that," William confessed. "I had a few boyfriends back then, but they were more about the physical than anything else." He shrugged.

Garvin stood. "Come on. I think I've taken you down memory lane for long enough. Now that the weather has cleared up and power and internet are back, I have a class to conduct at eight in the morning." He stood, and William did the same, following Garvin into the bedroom.

After kicking Sasha off the bed, they slipped under the covers, and Garvin snuggled close, holding him tightly. William wasn't sure what to expect next, but he did his best to close his eyes and try to get some sleep.