Chapter 13

Istood in front of my mirror, repeating positive affirmations to give myself the courage to go out and face Zain. The vivid images of the previous night kept replaying in a loop in my head. I could almost feel his hands on me again, the heat of his body, his hard length wrecking me as I begged for more.

I pressed my palms to my burning cheeks, mortified. Worse still, shame burned in my gut as every inch of me ached for more. I didn’t know that I could keep my hands to myself when I next saw him, especially since he would undoubtedly stake his claim the minute we met.

I’d been so stupid. Even now, as I tried to remind myself what arguments had convinced me to give in to my deepest and darkest desires, they now sounded hollow. I allowed myself to be convinced because I wanted to be, because of my unhealthy attraction to everything that was bad for me.

My intercom buzzed for the second time, startling me. Zain had good reasons to be impatient. Taking a deep breath, I pushed away from the sink and forced myself to leave my room. On my way to Zain’s quarters, I passed a few agents who greeted me as they headed towards whatever duty called them. There was nothing different about their behavior, and yet, every stare felt like a condemnation, like everyone knew what sinful activity I had indulged in and was still craving.

So much for my immortal soul.

I found Zain sitting at the edge of his bed. His back stiff, his palms resting on his lap, he stared ahead with the stoicism of the Sphinx. He examined my features and my demeanor. The absence of any emotion or indication as to how he currently felt rivaled the most professional poker face. And yet, with a certainty I couldn’t explain, I knew beyond any doubt that Zain was seething inside.

“Good morning, Zain,” I said, proud that my voice came out friendly, revealing nothing of my inner turmoil.

“Naima,” he replied as sole greeting.

“Sorry for being late. I’m afraid I slept in,” I said sheepishly, hoping he’d attribute the trembling that had seeped into my voice to embarrassment and not fear.

“Understandable,” he replied on the same neutral note. “You’ve had a rather… eventful night.”

My face heated at the way he said eventful. Right this instant, I couldn’t be happier for my darker complexion that hid my blushing cheeks.

“Indeed,” I replied, nonetheless grateful by his discreet choice of words to describe what we both knew he was referring to. “Ready to go?”

“Yes,” he said, rising to his feet. “But I would appreciate you showing me the functioning of the electric razor again. I believe I may have started damaging it.”

“Of course,” I said, eager to get busy with anything that would end the awkwardness.

I made a beeline for the bathroom. However, as I reached for the drawer, my hand froze, a dark suspicion finally piercing through my foggy mind. My head jerked towards Zain, and my stomach dropped at the sight of the angry, hard expression on his face as he closed the bathroom door behind him. I straightened and opened my mouth to say… I didn’t even know what. But a frightened gasp escaped me instead as, moving with lightning speed, Zain pushed me against the wall. With one hand, he held both of my wrists pinned above my head while his hard body pressed against mine kept me trapped.

His free hand held my nape in a vise, forcing me to look up at him. Chest pounding, my breathing coming in quick, short bursts due to fear and—to my shame—sinful excitement, I stared at him with wary eyes.

“So, we’re back to the denial game, are we?” Zain snarled. “Do you regret what happened between us last night? Do you?”

I opened and closed my mouth repeatedly, words failing me. I shouldn’t have slept with him. Not so soon, and definitely not before I knew him better or where the hell this whole Squad thing was headed. And yet, it would be a lie to say I regretted the most amazing night of my life.

“You can’t, because there is nothing to regret,” Zain hissed. “Your body knows we are meant to be. Your subconscious begged me for more, even as I was sending you back to sleep. Why are we back to this? I may not be able to read your mind in the Mortal Plane, but even now I can smell your arousal. You secretly want me to tear off your clothes and fuck you senseless, right here, right now against this wall.”

“Sex isn’t everything!” I hissed. “I can’t let lust dictate my choices.”

“It is more than just lust between us,” Zain snapped back. “Tell me I’m not in your mind during every waking moment? Tell me you don’t long for my presence every time we’re apart? Tell me you don’t enjoy our banter and our conversations when you forget to try to fit in the arbitrary mold you think you should? You can’t because I, too, feel the same about you. I want to be with you, and you want to be with me. Nothing else matters.”

“Humans aren’t binary like you!” I exclaimed in a hushed tone, not wanting to alert whoever might be listening.

The fury that flashed through his face before it closed off gave me cold shivers.

“It’s them, isn’t it?” he asked, contempt dripping from his voice. “You fear what those insignificant humans might think about you getting involved with something like me?”

Yes. I shouldn’t, but yes.

And that thought shamed me. How many times had I told my own patients not to live their lives according to others? Not to let their social network dictate what they can or cannot do, especially if that compliance made them miserable. So, why was I doing it to myself?

“Zain, I… I…” my voice trailed off, not really knowing what to say.

This was all happening too fast. In the nine years since I’d ended my therapy and begun my studies to become a psychologist, I’d believed myself recovered. But I’d also avoided men. Not because I was too busy or no good ones were to be found. There had been plenty of upstanding, eligible men, the type you brought home to Mom and Dad. And yet, I’d shunned all of them because the only thing I wanted were the wrong ones. I hadn’t broken the vicious cycle, I’d just hidden from it.

Until I found the one bad man who could fulfil my fantasies and not hurt me in the process.

Our eyes locked, and some silent communication flowed between us. An odd sense of peace descended over me at the same time as his anger melted away from his gorgeous features. His hand moved away from my nape to tighten slightly around my throat. I didn’t resist as he leaned forward, stopping close enough for me to feel the heat of his lips right in front of mine.

“I will allow it,” he said in a firm but whispered voice. “I will allow you to hide our relationship from these weaklings, for the time being. But when we are in private, I will not tolerate you pretending you aren’t mine, that you don’t want this as much as I do. Understood?”

“Yes,” I said breathily, shocked by my immediate response.

“Louder,” he insisted.

“Yes,” I repeated.

“Are you mine, Naima?”

This time, a few seconds passed, my eyes flicking between his as I came to terms with the decision I was making. I could drag this on, knowing the outcome was inevitable. He was asking for a commitment. That scared me beyond words and thrilled me just as much.

“Yes, Zain. I am yours.”

An incredible sense of relief washed over me when those words left my lips. I had expected a triumphant grin, a smug smile, or a satisfied smirk from Zain. Instead, his face took on a soft, tender, almost vulnerable expression I had never thought to see on one such as he. My Nightmare released my neck and my arms, which had still been pinned against the wall above my head. He slipped one arm around my back, the fingertips of the other tracing my features like a blind man would to discover a face he had long wished to see. My hands settled on his waist, gripping his shirt.

“Do you have any idea how crazy I am about you?” he asked in a soft voice.

A brief, nervous laughter escaped me. “I… I’m starting to notice,” I said, my voice choking on the last word.

Zain stared at me a moment longer before kissing me gently, slowly, with something akin to reverence.

“I am yours, Naima. All that I am always was, and always will be yours. You are my reason for existing.”

The devotion in his words, in his eyes, and in the way he looked at me as if I was the greatest wonder in the world made my eyes prickle. I buried my face in his neck, my arms wrapping tightly around him. Zain gently caressed my back in a soothing motion, as one would to console another. In the arms of my Nightmare, I had never felt safer.

After a few seconds—or an eternity—Zain chuckled and pulled away to look at me with an amused smile. I eyed him questioningly.

“There are a few agents outside growing increasingly worried that something highly unfortunate has happened to you,” he said with a sadistic grin.

“Of fuck!” I whispered, mortified.

Of course, they would be concerned. We’d been here for far too long, with a closed door at that. I also bet they’d heard a couple of raised voices from our earlier argument. Freeing myself from Zain’s embrace, I made to open the door, but he stopped me. In response to my stunned look, he quietly fixed my hair and then the sleeveless shirt I was wearing.

My jaw dropped in the face of such a thoughtful gesture. Zain wanted to cry from the rooftops that I was his. And yet, when my impatience would have involuntarily outed me, he protected me. When he’d given me his word that he would grant me some time to come to terms with my stupid fears of what others might think, I’d never expected him to go out of his way to ensure I indeed got that time. Talk about paradoxical for a psychopath.

“You are something else, you know?” I said with undisguised awe and gratitude.

“I know,” Zain said smugly, returning to his insufferable asshole persona.

“Ugh, you’re hopeless,” I said, rolling my eyes.

He chuckled then opened the door, exiting first with a swagger clearly aimed at provoking whoever stood outside. That wretched man would drive me insane.

“Lost something, boys?” Zain asked in a taunting voice.

As I exited the bathroom, I saw Agent Tate and Agent Peters stretching their necks to look past Zain’s imposing body with worried eyes. The obvious relief on their faces when they finally spotted me further increased my guilt and my urge to smack Zain across the back of the head. And yet, the subtle tension draining from his back made me realize my Nightmare—or should I say my boyfriend?—had gone ahead to be the one in harm’s way instead of me if things went south. I was getting whiplash from being loved by a protective psychopath.

“Sorry, guys,” I said, scurrying in front of Zain to keep him from further needling them. “It appears that having a woman teach a man how to shave was not the smartest decision. We’re ready to go.”

Although they weren’t fooled in the least, both agents nodded, and stepped out of the way. Agent Tate held the door for us while we made our way to the cafeteria. I didn’t know what thoughts had crossed the two men’s minds, or what they presumed had gone on in there. It shocked me to realize I didn’t care that they knew I’d lied. In retrospect, a part of me now wished at least one of them had shown disapproval to see if my reaction would have still been the same.

We entered the cafeteria to find Riley and Julia finishing their meal. Belinda—Thomson’s right hand in managing the program—was also sitting with them. I waved at them then picked up some food from the buffet behind Zain who had already begun piling up some on his plate. But, as soon as he was done, he headed straight for the most isolated table in the room, making eye contact with no one. I hesitated then cast an apologetic look towards my fellow mentors. I hadn’t seen them since that first breakfast together and wanted to catch up with them before we all split-up tomorrow, once the Mist ended.

Riley winked in a ‘it’s okay’ kind of way, while Julia’s gaze remained locked on my Nightmare with an unreadable expression on her face. For some reason, that made me uneasy. Catching up to Zain, I settled down next to him and gave him a stern look.

“What?” he asked, in a slightly grumpy tone, wondering what he had done this time.

“First, proper etiquette dictates that you’re not supposed to start eating until everyone else is seated with a full plate in front of them,” I said matter-of-factly, already knowing he would flip it the bird.

“Proper etiquette can go choke on a fat cock,” he said dismissively. “Why would I sit there starving while my meal grows cold to wait on someone dallying? What’s second?” he asked before shoving a mouthful of hash-browns into his mouth.

I shook my head at his colorful language and hopelessness, all the while fighting the urge to laugh.

“Second, you need to work on your social skills,” I said sternly. “You saw me waving at Riley and Julia. We could have joined them to—”

“No,” Zain said, with a harshness that took me by surprise. “This is our time in public, just the two of us. The rest of the day, I have to suffer the presence of others I’d rather be hunting instead. So, no, Naima. I am not sharing you during meals.”

I gaped at him, speechless. He held my gaze, daring me to argue.

“Whatever am I going to do with you?” I said, shaking my head again in disbelief.

The lurid expression on his face spoke volumes and made me squirm on my chair with a sudden throbbing between my thighs.

“Zain!” I hissed in a whisper, casting an embarrassed look around the room.

“You asked,” he said with a shrug before eating the huge piece of steak on his fork.

Gesturing at my plate with his chin, he reminded me to start eating as well. I tucked in, and the rest of our meal was uneventful but pleasant. I escorted him to the gym, and while doing my personal morning workout, I watched him pursue his ethereal shield training with Agent Tate.

It had scared me at first when the agent had told Zain to block the blows that he would give him with a baseball bat. With his predatory nature, I had expected my Nightmare to attack Agent Tate the minute he struck him. But my man was extremely serious about this training, and I couldn’t have been more grateful for it. The insufferable pest was growing on me. I didn’t want to lose him now due to lack of preparation.

When the training ended, I was surprised to see Director Thomson come get Zain.

“I promised you some Sparks and Beasts,” Thomson said with his usually friendly demeanor. “Our holding areas are full. Go ahead and gorge to make room so that we can catch a few more before the Mist is over.”

“Gladly,” Zain said with a predatory grin.

“It is best you do not come, Naima,” Thomson said. “That area isn’t safe. I will escort Zain alone. I trust he will behave in your absence until I can bring him back to you?” he added, looking this time at my man.

Zain slightly frowned, clearly displeased at the thought of us being separated. He stared at Thomson for a second before giving him a stiff nod.

“I will behave,” he confirmed.

“Excellent!” Thomson said with enthusiasm. “Might as well start getting used to it now since he’s going out hunting with Agent Tate and me in the morning. See you later, Naima.”

I gave him a stiff smile, feeling bereft and oddly concerned while I stared at their receding backs. This time alone was actually a good thing. I wanted to catch up with Riley and Julia, and I needed to prepare to wrap up my own previous life before the Mist Defense Squad.

I had already signed the very generous employment contract with the Fourth Division. However, as a practicing therapist, I couldn’t just dump all of my current patients. I needed to transition them over to a new specialist they would be comfortable with, which could take some time. Beyond being Zain’s handler, I was also to provide psychological support to the agents, many of whom suffered from severe PTSD since the major increase of Nightmare invasions.

I’d begun poring over some of their files, and I was starting to suspect that many of the most violent Nightmares could actually have been created by agents. Considering the horrors they saw on a daily basis at work, it wasn’t a big stretch. Their troubled and traumatized minds provided plenty of fuel for a Nightmare to flourish. I intended to dig deeper into that theory. If it proved true, helping the agents cope with the stress and trauma of their daily tasks would be essential to reduce the birth of extremely violent Walkers.

By the time I was done with my most immediate work and had packed my meager things for tomorrow, my stomach reminded me that lunch had been hours ago. I’d eaten a sandwich and a small salad while Zain had been gorging on Sparks and Beasts. Although Thomson stated they had four holding areas, they should have been done a while ago. And Zain was also human now. His body required sustenance that ethereal energy couldn’t provide. They would have informed me of their return. Right?

Or did he get hurt while feeding?

Once that thought crossed my mind, it refused to leave, no matter how I rejected that idea. Zain had never hunted with a human body’s limitations before. Did he get too cocky, and a Beast swatted him? If something had happened, surely, Thomson would have told me.

Trying to keep my fears at bay, I headed for the cafeteria to double-check. It was well past supper time, and Zain was the type of man that got hangry. He also wasn’t one to wait for others when he needed to eat. Still, the thought that he wouldn’t have sent for me when, this very morning, he’d been so possessive of our eating time together seriously stung. I opened the door to the cafeteria and stopped a meter in. My heart sank when my gaze scanned the room and failed to find him or my candidate buddies.

I turned around to leave and yelped when I nearly crashed into Agent Tate who had just come in from behind me.

“Oh, excuse me,” I said, my palm pressed to my chest as if to hold my heart in.

Agent Tate smiled. “If you’re looking for Riley and Julia, they’ve decided to eat dinner in the Observatory. They want to admire the creatures for the last time this Mist, and to see how my colleagues are luring them into the holding areas to refill them.”

“Refill them?” I asked, perking up. “So, Zain managed to empty them all?”

“Empty them?” Agent Tate said with a snort. “Your Nightmare all but inhaled them. I’ve never seen anyone be such a natural hunter. He cleared those four holding areas in just a little over an hour. Your man is impressive. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this excited about the rounds on the day after the Mist. But, right now, I’m really looking forward to it.”

I gave him a stiff smile, feeling guilty that, right this instant, I couldn’t have cared less about his enthusiasm, even knowing how therapeutic it was for him to be able to express the secret fears he’d harbored.

“That’s wonderful to hear,” I said in a friendly tone. “Although I wonder why Thomson didn’t tell me Zain was done feeding. Do you know if he’s moved on to another training?”

“Oh no, he’s not done feeding,” Tate said, brushing his palm over the short strands of his hair cut in a military style. “Thomson has taken him on a shuttle to fly him over to the State Penitentiary. They won’t be back for at least a couple more hours.”

My blood turned to ice in my veins as I stared at him in shock. My stomach knotted, and I swallowed painfully. I should have known. In fact, I subconsciously had known but once again buried my head in the sand.

Agent Tate’s friendly expression faded, and his face hardened. A cold shiver ran down my spine.

“As a human, I can understand your distaste for this. But these condemned are no better than the Nightmares we’re hunting,” he said in a stern voice. “For all his power—and it is tremendous—Zain is nowhere near the level that Darryl has achieved over the past six months. Do I enjoy the thought of a Walker syphoning humans, even those that hardly qualify as such? No. However, letting the Mist Beasts have them will help no one, while giving them to Zain gives us a chance to save countless lives, including his and ours.”

Tormented by the same fears, I hugged my midsection.

“I understand that. Really, I do. But what about Zain? What about his soul, or whatever animates him?” I asked in a tortured voice. “What if he develops an addiction for it?”

Tate shrugged. “I’m not worried about his soul,” he replied dismissively. He held my gaze unflinchingly as I recoiled in disbelief, anger blossoming within me in the face of such callousness. “Yours is the only one that matters,” the agent continued in a soothing voice. “In the end, you define what he will and won’t do. And your reaction just now, confirms to me that, on that front, we have nothing to worry about.”

Those words flattered and actually somewhat appeased me, while also adding the weight of the world on my shoulders.

“From your lips to God’s ears,” I mumbled, defeated.

Agent Tate snorted. “God has nothing to do with any of this mess.” His face softened, and the friendly expression returned. “Do not waste your compassion on those monsters, Ms. Connors. Zain needs your support, not your condemnation or guilt. For now, I suggest you go enjoy the company of the other two handlers before the night is over. Chances are, you won’t get to see them before their departure tomorrow. And they will not return here for another month.”

“A month!?” I exclaimed.

He nodded. “Grab some food and hop on upstairs. I’m sure they will be happy to see you.”

With a final nod, the agent went to talk to a few of his colleagues.