Chapter 33 Daphne

When I open the closet to hang up my things, I'm shocked to see it already filled with designer outfits. I'm thrown back in time to our honeymoon when Jackson presented me with an array of dresses, shoes, and accessories. All at once my heart is racing, and the icy fingers of fear wrap themselves around me. I stand still and close my eyes, telling myself that I am no longer afraid of Jackson, that I am strong, that he has no power over me. While I'm here I'll have to be prepared for more memories of his control and abuse, like land mines ready to explode when I least expectit.

I grab the first hanger and look at the label on the red pantsuit—Dior, size four. I shake my head as I continue to the next items, Stella McCartney jumper, Tom Ford pants set, Armani blazer. All of them size four. There are shoes too, Blahniks, Gucci, Louboutin's. I don't dress like this anymore. I wear sandals and sneakers, not four-inch heels. I haven't bought anything designer since I left Connecticut. And I'm no size four any longer, nor do I wish to be. For years he made me keep a food journal to track every morsel that I ate. I had to weigh myself daily to make sure I didn't gain an ounce. According to Jackson, eight weeks was sufficient time to bounce back from pregnancy. After I had Bella, those last ten pounds were stubborn. She was a colicky baby, and I was sleep deprived. I didn't have the energy to drag myself to the gym. Exactly eight weeks to the day, he strode into the bedroom, a determined look on his face, holding a garment bag.

"We're going to the club tonight. I got you a new dress."

"Jackson, I'm wiped out. I just want to go to bed early."

He scoffed. "All you do is sleep. I'm sick of doing nothing. Go fix yourself up and get dressed."

He thrust the bag at me, and I unzipped it. A gorgeous red Versace, size four. I knew it wouldn't fit. I sighed. "Okay, I'll go shower, but this dress looks too small."

He moved closer, his face inches from mine. "Listen to me, you fat cow. You will wear this dress even if you have to put on three pairs of Spanx. Maybe it'll motivate you to lose the baby weight. You're disgusting."

I held back tears as I ran from the room and showered. I could barely zip the dress—it pinched my skin, emphasized my swollen belly—but somehow I got it on. I didn't know how I was going to get through the evening wearing it. When we got to the club, I saw he'd invited three other couples to join us. The fabric dug into me as I sat there trying not to breathe too deeply. I leaned forward to pick up my glass of water, and suddenly, I heard it, the sound of ripping. Mortified, I turned to Jackson and saw the amused smirk on his face.

"Daphne, I told you that you weren't ready for a size four." He shook his head. "Just accept you're a bigger girl now that you've popped out two kids."

Now I slam the closet door shut. Maybe these clothes belong to Amber. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd filled every closet in this house with her crap. I reopen the closet door, push everything to one side, and place the few things I've brought on the rod.

I march down the stairs and find Jackson still in his study. "You forgot to empty the closet in the room I'm staying in. Amber's things are in there."

He smiles at me. "I didn't forget. I bought those for you. A welcome home present."

"I can choose my own clothing, thank you very much."

He cocks an eyebrow. "I don't know if it's living in California that's to blame, but you have to admit, you've gotten a bit slovenly. Jeans and T-shirts get old after a while. And once I get my business going again, we'll need to entertain. You'll need to have appropriate attire."

Play along, play along,I tell myself. I won't do myself any favors by tipping my hand. "I guess you're right. But, Jackson, they're the wrong size. I'm not a four anymore."

He stands and appraises me, his eyes traveling from my head down to my feet. "Yes, I can see you've put on some weight. No matter, we'll take care of that. I noticed Bella's a bit chubby as well, so I've already instructed the cook to prepare keto meals."

"Please tell me you didn't say anything to her about her weight. That's how eating disorders can start."

He shrugs. "I may have mentioned that we eat healthy here. There's nothing wrong with that."

"Jackson—"

"Mommy!" Bella bursts into the room, her arms outstretched, and crashes into me. I wrap her in my arms, tears springing to my eyes as I hug her tight, not wanting to letgo.

"Darling! I've missed you so much."

"Me too."

Tallulah is leaning against the doorjamb with her arms crossed in front of her. She is staring at me with undisguised hostility. I release Bella, walk over to her, and give her a hug. She accepts it stiffly, and I pull back. "It's so good to see you. I've been going crazy missing you both."

"Let's all go into the living room and have a talk," Jackson says.

The three of us follow along like good little soldiers. Bella reaches out for my hand, and I hold it as we go. Jackson takes a seat on one of the sofas, and Tallulah sits next to him. Bella and I sit across from them, still holding hands.

"I've already explained to the girls how sometimes you get sad and take too much medicine. They understand that it's not something you want to do, but you need our help."

I say nothing, waiting for him to goon.

"Now, DCF knows that you're here, but you're not allowed to be alone with the girls until the investigation is finished. Chloe and the rest of the staff are aware of that. But it's fine anyway because I plan to be here with you most of the time. We need family time, right?"

I take a deep breath, trying to figure out what to say. I need to set the record straight with Bella and Tallulah and let them know that I'm not going to go off the deep end and take drugs, like he's implying. "I'm not sad. I'm very happy to be with my girls. I promise that there's nothing for you to worry about. Just like you've never had to worry before. What happened at the beach was an accident."

Tallulah's eyes narrow. "What do you mean?"

"You know my therapist prescribed that medicine for me if I got anxious. The dosage information was wrong. I took two, like it said, but the directions should have said one. That's why I fell asleep." I look at Jackson and see a glint of admiration in his eyes. I've managed to redeem myself without making him the villain. "As far as what happened when you were a baby, Tallulah, I'm sure you've heard about postpartum depression. My hormones were all out of whack. But you were never in danger. I was paranoid. Thinking Daddy was out to hurt me, and I ran away with you. That's what happened. I would never hurt you. Either of you."

I immediately see the relief in Tallulah's eyes, and I'm heartened. She really does want to believe me, to be assured of my love for her. "So you didn't do anything bad to me?"

Jackson starts to talk, but I cut him off.

"Of course not. And your daddy loves you far too much to have ever let me come home if he thought I was a danger to you. I just needed for my hormones to balance and to realize that it was safe for me to come home to him."

Anger flashes across his face, and I'll probably pay for this later, but I don't care. I won't have my children afraid ofme.

He clears his throat. "Okay, well, now that we've cleared that up, we need to remember that the social workers are still concerned about Mommy, and until they say she is all better, you can't be alone in the house with her or go anywhere alone with her. I'll be here most of the time, but if I do go out for anything, Edgar or Chloe or the cook will be here when I'm not. So that won't be an issue."

"That's dumb. Why are those social people being so mean?" Bella asks.

Jackson smiles at her. "They're just doing their job. All this will be behind us soon and then life will go back to normal. That reminds me, we need to get your applications in for school."

"We already have schools," Tallulah says. "Why can't you come to California with us? We like it there."

He seems to consider this. "Hmm, let me think about that."

Over my dead body.