The Before

The Before

AGE: 21

“How’d that date go?” Riley asked, bumping her shoulder into Gianna’s. “With Isla? Was it everything you thought it would be?” She aimed a teasing look at Gianna, wiggling her eyebrows. “Maybe more?”

Gianna felt herself jostle slightly with the ribbing, her lips ticking into a smile at Riley’s playful tone. The smile felt simultaneously both forced and natural, something she’d never be able to really explain. Not even to herself.

“It… went,” she answered, deliberately skirting the details.

Which, obviously, Riley noticed. “Gianna! Come on! You were excited about Isla; you broke out your brand-new heels for the occasion.”

Riley wasn’t wrong. She’d come over to Gianna’s apartment – this year was the first time since their freshman year they weren’t rooming together, since Ellie had graduated a year early from MIT and she and Riley had moved in together – to help Gianna get ready to go out with Isla.

Isla, the beautiful, smart, funny TA in Gianna’s merchandising class. Isla, whom Gianna had flirted with nearly all semester, and now that the semester was nearly over, Isla had been the one to ask Gianna out.

And it couldn’t have gone worse.

“Yes, but unfortunately the heels couldn’t save the date. Marc Jacobs can’t fix everything, even though saying those words feels like a betrayal.” Gianna attempted to inject some lightness into her tone, mostly for Riley’s sake. Then again, it was for hers as well.

The reality was that she was wearing her sunglasses as they walked across the quad during an overcast afternoon to hide her tired eyes from her very observant best friend. Even though Gianna had applied her makeup flawlessly, hiding any hint of bags, she just knew Riley would be able to tell that Gianna hadn’t slept well.

The last thing she needed right now was Riley inquiring – so kindly, so concernedly – into what had happened with Isla.

Because what had happened with Isla, the beautiful, brilliant woman that Gianna had convinced herself she was crushing on, had been a disaster.

Everything seemed like it was fine. Typical date – dinner, drinks, a long walk through the newly-strung up holiday lights downtown. But when Isla had reached for Gianna’s hand, all she’d been able to think about was how it just didn’t feel the same as Riley’s did. Riley’s hand fit so perfectly in her own, and clasping hands with someone else like this felt so – off. So wrong.

When they’d kissed, after Gianna had walked Isla back to her place, she’d felt a spark of attraction. Blessedly, she’d felt the electric zing , and she’d leaned into it. Tried so desperately to lean into feeling anything for someone that wasn’t her straight best friend.

Only to realize it was Riley that popped into her mind when Isla nipped her teeth into Gianna’s bottom lip. Riley always dug her teeth into her bottom lip like that, and the vision was stuck in Gianna’s mind.

She’d pulled back from the kiss, shaking her head. “I’m so sorry. I can’t do this though.” It was the only explanation she’d been able to offer.

The alarming truth Gianna was facing was that Isla was only the most recent casualty in the number of people she’d attempted to date in the last year and a half, ever since reconciling with the fact that she did, indeed, have feelings for Riley.

And what Gianna was coming to learn was that it just wasn’t fair to any of these people she was dating. It wasn’t fair to them that Riley’s name echoed through her thoughts. It wasn’t fair to them that her heart skipped a beat when Riley laughed, but not them. It wasn’t fair to them that she would rather cancel a date if Riley texted to ask Gianna to hang out instead.

Gianna knew that the smart thing to do – what anyone else in her situation would do – would be to put distance between them. She knew that.

And yet…

Riley reached down, lacing her fingers between Gianna’s. She sighed, flexing her hand around Riley’s. Yes, this was the right fit.

“If you’re blaspheming Marc, it must mean last night was terrible. And I won’t bug you to talk about it while you’re still processing.” Riley tapped her fingers against Gianna’s. “What I will do, is come over to your place tonight and make you dinner before we cuddle up and watch tv. And I’ll bring you my sweatshirt and let you keep it for the weekend.”

God, and there it was. The warmth that slid through Gianna at the way Riley promised her all of the things Gianna took comfort in. The way Riley smiled up at her, so wide and unguarded, making Gianna’s heart feel so… full.

She squeezed Riley’s hand in hers.

Because the thing was, if Gianna had to pick between limiting what she and Riley had in order to try to go on more fulfilling dates, she was never going to do it. This mattered so much more than dating.