Chapter 60

WHEN I’D FINISHEDtalking I looked at him, expecting something. But he just watched the glowing Harbor Bridge in silence.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“I need to understand.” I held my hands out. “You’re innocent. Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you let the rumors go on? Why don’t you fix your life?”

“My life’s not broken,” he said.

“Everybody thinks you’re some kind of vicious psychopath.”

“This isn’t high school.” He gave me a pitying glance. “You don’t need to worry about what people think anymore.”

“You said earlier that you deserve some punishment. Is that how you really feel?”

“A bit.” He shrugged. “Mostly, I just let people tell their stories because it keeps them away from me. I’ve said it from the beginning: I don’t work with partners. I’m better on my own.”

I watched him, and slowly I began to understand. It was the same as my brother and me, the way we’d acted as kids, running away from the families that tried to take us in, behaving badly and shutting them out until they gave up on us. When we were on our own, we knew what to expect. We knew the rules of the game. Being “included” was risky. Because we didn’t accept love and companionship, we couldn’t be rejected. Sam and I had known all our lives that we could only rely on each other. Tox Barnes knew it, too.

I was sickened, suddenly, by how familiar I was with it all. Being the outsider. Pushing people away. I had to change his mind. I had to convince him to get his story out there.

“You take pride in what you do. Don’t your victims deserve the best from you?” I said. “Your colleagues hate you. They throw up barriers every time you try to make a move on cases. If people knew the truth about you, you’d be a more effective cop.”

He actually laughed.

“No, I wouldn’t,” he said. “I’d end up being a cop like you.”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

“Oh, man, you have no idea how ineffective you are,” he said. “Waiting for autopsy reports. Calling the lab. Talking to colleagues. Hugging the victim’s parents. You’re a part of the system, mate. I’m outside the system. No one wants to take responsibility for me, so I do what I want. Skip the procedural bullshit. Makes me a better cop than you, I’ll tell you that much.”

I shook my head at him. It hurt, but I understood. He was pushing me away now, trying to annoy me so I’d leave him alone. I’d done the same thing all my life. Whenever someone uncovered the truth, made me vulnerable, I’d shut them down as hard and as fast as I could.

I walked back to the front of the boat and left him alone.