TOBIAH

The next morning, Ruin calls a meeting to plan. He catches us up on Magnum and his location and how we need to get to him as quickly as possible to discuss dragon riders and Sparks. Ruin does not discuss his patron—dragon?—to any great extent, but I sense that he has not heard from him in some time. This is understandable, to me, at least. I have seen some of the designs of the wards put up to block dragons and they are some of the most intricate spellwork I have ever laid eyes on. I am not entirely sure what binds them together, but given my father's glowing pride, it cannot be anything good or simple.

It is difficult to pay attention while Ruin speaks because all I can think about is how he has not demanded my real name or to see my form again or asked who I am. He trusts me with an ease that is… truly disturbing to me. I am just waiting for him to stick Shatterjaw on me and hit me with his magic and drive me out. That is what everyone has done the moment they found out what I am. I understand it. I do. The Fae are desperately disliked and for good fucking reason.

I am so confused as to why he has not done this yet. We even slept in separate beds last night and he did not object. Granted, both of us were wide awake most of the night, but he does not wish to be touched by me. That much is obvious. I cannot blame him for that. By deceiving him, I played into everything bad said about my people. I am fae and I am a Sunbeam, horrifying as that is. Whatever just desserts he has for me, I deserve them. But he has not looked at me in anger or apathy, just treated me normally. Well… sort of .

He still will not touch me.

"…and then we'll stop at the palace to replenish supplies and—" Ruin says and that brings me around. Words rush out of me before I rightly stop them.

"No," I say, and Ruin starts and looks at me, surprised. Shatterjaw and the others gape at me.

"No?" Ruin says after a pregnant pause. "In case you've forgotten, I'm the Grand Maestro. It is my duty to report all my findings to King Oathblade and—"

I know it is rude, but I scoff and shake my head, every protective instinct manifesting in a rush.

"No. Skip it. Do not tell him a word. He would use it to his advantage to start whatever madness he deems necessary."

My words have more bite to them than is warranted, but Ruin just exchanges a look with Shatterjaw that I cannot quite understand and then cocks his head curiously.

"I… had no idea you had any strong feelings about His Resplendence."

I scoff and cross my arms, my anxiety screaming and my heart beating faster than a war drum.

"I have issue with any monarch that allows his crown prince to rape his way through court," I snap and Ruin flinches, as if I struck him. "He obviously does not give two shits about anything, but his power."

Ruin's jaw works for a moment, and he has gone pale.

"Miguel doesn't… rape his way through court, Tobiah," he finally says. "It's not… that. Not… really. He… only bothers me, Tobiah, and it's not… not…"

He cannot seem to finish his thought, paling further.

The others look very uncomfortable, but I am far past caring. My nerves are flayed and open. And he says this to me as if that is not enough for me to tear open the skies and set the earth ablaze. He is so blind and I do not understand why. Is it the same blindness that made me stay with my family for so long? It cannot be. He is smarter than that.

"If you think your prince is not raping and fucking the staff and courtiers when you are not around, then—" I stop myself and rub my face. I know I am being too emotional, but I cannot stop, not when there is a storm spilling out of me. "… enabling and compliance is just as bad as active participation, Ruin. And King Oathblade has done nothing to curb his son, even though he knows that he is next in line to the throne. And he is a monarch. That should be worrisome enough. Do not breathe a word of any of this to him or he will use whatever disgusting human excuse he needs to in order to start a war or win more land or whatever it is that ends kingdoms. We should not stop at the capital. We need to bypass it."

Ruin is frozen and I know I have been too harsh. He shifts and then turns to Shatterjaw, green eyes wide.

"He doesn't touch the staff… does he?"

He sounds so defeated and that is my fault. It is too much. Shatterjaw looks away and bites her lip.

"Your Grace… it's… he… does as he does," she says vaguely and Ruin's pale skin flushes. I think it is with horror, but then I realize it is rage.

"And none of you thought to tell me?" He snaps, all teeth.

"Well, it was—"

"Fuck!" Ruin hisses and runs his hands through his hair. Somehow, his distress is worse to see than his shattered being just a few moments before. I am going to explode. I am sure of it.

"Excuse me," I say and leave, even as I hear Ruin call after me.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I hurry past the Galaen yurts and head to the perimeter, needing space. How many times have I been hurt by humans, by elves, by fae? How many times have I tried to make friends before everything burns and turns to ashes because hate and bigotry is so strong that people cannot function without it?

Fuck.

Why has he not said anything to me? I will be driven to madness at this point. Perhaps my words lacked my usual tact and perhaps I need to apologize, but I cannot right now. I am not in any state to do anything but run like the wind.

I am sprinting now, avoiding patrols and going deeper into the forest. The spirits reach for me, sensing my distress, but, as usual, I ignore them. To engage them would be my birthright and I am too anxious and ashamed to truly indulge the fae part of me. I need to leave. I need to leave now, before Ruin hates me for all time. I can find another dragon rider, right? There has to be one somewhere.

Something in me screams and I stumble, steadying myself on a tree. I pant and lean into it, trying to collect my frayed thoughts. I could leave, but… to leave would be to render myself in two, to cleave something that is meant to be whole for all of time.

Fuck this mate shit. I have spent centuries not needing a single person and now, I am tethered irreparably to a human so confounding that I want to fuck him and push him away at the same time.

I have always thought mates to be ridiculous. Fae talk about them all the time, as if they are the only thing that make life worth living. I suppose that is true for some, but not all of us. To my people, a mate can be platonic, familial, or romantic. I saw my parents growing up speaking about their consorts as if they were mates, but… I never understood it because they would take them in and then leave them years later.

Now I shudder at the thought of leaving Ruin, damn the consequences. Were my parents just lying about that too?

Maybe they are not as common as the fae like to believe. Maybe when our homeland was destroyed by humans and their greed, we needed something to keep us going and mates were it. The idea of bliss and utopia following us no matter where we went is, admittedly, a good way to motivate people.

At least… that is what I have always thought. But now… now I feel such a need, such an overwhelming desire to be with Ruin and stay by him, abandoning all else for his warmth, that I do not even know what to think.

Or what to do.

I am unsure if he even wants me and that… that is what is tearing me apart.

And because I am alone, I have no one to turn to. No one to beg for help or insight. No Fae would help me, the youngest son of the Sunbeam monarchy, make my way through these questions. Even if I have Ruin, I am so, so alone.

I stumble at that and stop at a creek. It is beautiful and crystal clear, sounding merry and happy and I can tell that this forest is indeed happy. But instead of a balm, it is a dagger and I collapse on the banks of the water and I weep bitterly, hoping to force my misery out.

It does not work.