TOBIAH

My arms feel empty as I wake and I attempt to shake off that hollow feeling as I open my eyes. It appears to be afternoon and I can hear the Galaens speaking in low tones outside the yurt. I stare at the ceiling, thinking of Ruin and our love making. I do not know what it means—well, not exactly what it means—but it unsettles me, deeply. He… might be my mate. Fae can have many mates over their lifetimes, and I did not think they were for me. After all, I am a miserable man who broods and laments his existence many times a day. I have no hope for a reprieve from that, not while my father still lives and that is just the very tip of my issues. I have too many things to do right now—I have to save the world, for starters. I have to banish the fae and the blight that they rain upon this earth and none of that leaves any room for a mate. I accepted that long ago and I have not faltered.

Not… until now, at least.

I am not sure what Ruin is to me or what it means for us to be together or if we can be together at all.

But I know that I feel empty without him in my arms. I know that my heart flutters when he speaks and I am consumed by his cries that grace his lips when I am inside of him. I know that I have never felt so light since I met him. And I know, I know, in my very bones that when he dies because he followed me like a lovesick fool, I will shatter completely.

Ruin does not even know my name or the fact that I am fae. It is unfair to him to pursue any type of relationship with him while I am hiding from the world. It is unfair to even want him when I know the seriousness of my mission .

Because all I do is get people killed.

"Tobiah?"

Ruin stirs on the other side of the yurt and comes over to me, brow furrowed. His golden blond hair looks stunning in this lighting and I admire it for a long moment.

"Are you in pain?" He asks. "Can I get you anything?"

I stare for a long moment before shaking my head.

"No. I am just fine. Thank you."

Ruin sits down on the edge of the bed, holding a scroll in his hand. It looks well-loved and well-read. It's distracting for a moment as I wonder about it. But then I realize he's watching me intently, looking serious.

"Earlier, when we…" Ruin begins and clears his throat. "When we were together."

I sit up, eyeing him cautiously. He looks anxious. I do not like where this is going.

"Yes?" I prompt after a pregnant pause. I wonder, with a measure of invested horror and sharp relief, if he did not feel what I felt—that sacred connectedness that binds us together for all of eternity. If he felt it and he does not want me… well, I would not blame him. I might even be happy for him because then he would be far away from me and from danger. I would rather he reject me now than follow me into death.

"It was… intense," Ruin says, pushing a stray lock of hair behind his ear. "I… I don't know what to make of that so could we just…" He bites his perfect lip, looking hollow for a long moment. "… just wait on doing that again? I don't know what I want, and things are moving so quickly that I can't—I can't deal with one more thing, you know?"

I understand what he is saying, and it does not bother me. Not really. I must process it as well.

"Ruin," I take his hand. "That is just fine with me. But… what is moving?"

He shudders in relief and squeezes my hand, swallowing.

"I may be some savior or some shit," he exhales in a rush and it all pours out of him—the dragons, the humans, the fae, the mountains, and his part in all of it. I listen intently and do my best to seem surprised, but the fact is, I am not. Indeed, I have known of the gravitas of my colonizing people for a very long time. My father used to boast at banquets and celebrations at how he had outsmarted all humans and elves, stolen their agency and pissed on their dragons. He would tell tale after tale of crippling their civilization and then taking the most fertile land for himself and his people. And my mother? She was just as bad, just as drunk on obscene power and the pain of thousands of dead people.

I never understood their boasting of war and agony. Why celebrate the crushing of cultures and people? It always sickened me beyond repair and that is why I fled one night, no longer wanting a part in any of it.

I have not stopped fleeing since.

Ruin looks fragile as he speaks, as if he is just as grieved as I am, just as disgusted and horrified.

Silence stretches when he finishes, and I clear my throat. I open my mouth to speak, but he interrupts, looking worn.

"You already knew, didn't you?" He asks wearily. "Fuck. Do all the elves know?"

To the best of my carefully curated knowledge, those oafs do not know a thing.

"No. They do not," I say, trying to measure my words. I do not wish to lie, but I can twist things and have them be truthful enough. I do not know how Ruin would react to my real face and after having the extension of my people's sins revealed to him, I do not wish to find out.

So I tell him something close.

"I…have met King Sunbeam and I…" I clear my throat, thinking of my father and how his presence is so large that it suffocates me even now, when he is just a memory.

"King Sunbeam?" Ruin cocks his head.

I huff. Of course humans do not even know the name of their annihilator.

"Yes. The fae king. The one who… did all of that. Well," I consider. "Not all of it. Not technically. He has a whole cabinet of advisors that help him do the dirty work."

I can think of at least a dozen councilors who I hate just as much as my father, may they all die in agony.

He nods and looks away.

"Has he hurt elves as much as humans?"

I sigh and shake my head.

"No. Not at all. When the fae came, the elves were… they were…" Fuck it, I cannot be polite about this. I still feel disgusted by it, even centuries later. "…they were bootlicking cowards and helped the fae stop the human dragon riders. That is what I have heard, at least. I do not know for certain."

"Fuck," Ruin shifts and rubs his face. "I… see. Shit. I thought it sucked being human, but I'd rather that than be a bootlicker."

I laugh at that, the sound startling us both.

"Trust me, I know my people are despicable," I assure him and it really has a double meaning. I know the elves are horrible and I know the fae are worse, but I do not wish to elaborate on those points.

I grow serious.

"Why are you telling me this? What do you need?" I cannot help but squeeze his hand gently, my little warlock so unsure of himself that I want to fix it.

Ruin picks at the blanket before answering, hesitant and overwhelmed. I let him take his time and when he finally speaks, it is with humility.

"I need your help. I have to scry the location of my latest vision. I don't know how to do that," he looks into my eyes again, solemn, and somehow ravaged by responsibility and expectations. "The Sovereign seemed to think you do. You're an elf. She said your people are good at that kind of thing."

Elven scryers are more common than fae ones, but elves tend to see blurs and an unclear picture. Fae see everything clearly, but it is not a talent we all have. As my older sibling Laurel put it, one has to work for it in order to reap the awards. For myself, I used to sit with the scryers in my father's temple and see the rest of the world from a small, dark room. I was an incorrigibly curious child and being the youngest, nothing more than a spare, I had the run of the entire palace. I often spent time in the libraries, temples, and studies, trying to make sense of my small world, because even then, as a young sapling, I did not trust my parents. It has paid off more than once and it might help here. However, not only have I not scryed in some time, but I am also unsure how humans scry and if it is different than fae. Additionally, it is significantly more difficult away from the seat of fae magic, and with the depletion of magic around here, it may be impossible.

Yet, I do indeed have a solution.

"I… can help," I say after a long moment, pulling myself away from the memories of my youth. "But I cannot assure you that it is safe, and I am not sure how that sits with me."

Ruin's brow furrows.

"What do you mean?"

I sigh and shift, wondering if any fae in their right mind would endanger their mate like this. A mate is sacred, a bond beyond reckoning, put into place long before the stars were born in the heavens. It is a thing so rare that I know I should be guarding him, protecting him, keeping him away from the rest of the world so that he never hurts again.

But I do not know if I am ready to admit who he is and what he means. I do not know if I am ready to cage or possess him. And I do not think I could, even if I accepted him.

"The fastest way to scry is to drink Thumping Heart, a specific kind of mushroom," I explain. "It is potent and sometimes comes with sides effects, such as coma, fast heart rate, and even death, depending on the person."

He nods slowly.

"Okay."

"Okay?" I blink at him in surprise .

"Yes," he says with certainty. "I think you'll keep me safe. Shatterjaw too. But this has to happen. The dragons need to come back. No… they must come back. We both know what will happen if magic is completely depleted or if the fae continue to rule. This can't go on."

The look in his eye is one I have seen before—a grim determination to set the world to rights no matter the cost. It is dangerous and catching and I have doubts about involving him, but it feels like a travesty to discourage him. I cannot put out that spark in his soul anymore than I could kill him. I want to nurture it, to see it grow into a fire that consumes everything in its path. But there is one pressing thing that I must point out.

I have had my suspicions about Sparks since Ruin mentioned his quiet nature. It is not completely true that demons like to talk, but I have never really known a demon to be silent either. They like the sound of their own voice. When Ruin told me about the dragon riders, he very quickly hopped over the idea that Sparks is a dragon, but not what it means for him. I think there is hurt there, but Ruin is so muted that he is difficult to read right now. I wonder if I should say anything but then, I prompt him anyway, it somehow feeling urgent.

"And Sparks, your patron?" I ask quietly, taking his hand.

"What about him?"

"If he is a dragon, I do not think that makes you a warlock."

He looks confused.

"What?"

"If you are bonded with a dragon instead of a demon, that makes you a dragon rider, I think, not a warlock," I pause and frown. "Actually, I am not sure what humans call it and they are the only race able to bond with dragons. Elves call them ‘spellbound.'"

Ruin scratches his chin thoughtfully, but still looks serious .

"What do Fae call them? Do you know?"

Instantly, a heinous slur comes to mind, because that is the term most used by the fae. But I do not wish to repeat it, nor do I wish to call him that, so I go for the formal term.

"Enforcers, I believe," I say, hiding a grimace. Dragon riders are the greatest threat to the Fae empire, and I do not regret aligning with him. In fact, I have been looking for him for centuries. Yet, I do regret how he will be treated once word gets back to my father.

Ruin seems to be taking everything in and then shrugs.

"I won't know if I'm an enforcer or a dragon rider or whatever until I see Sparks for myself," he finally says. "We'll deal with that later."

I nod, understanding his reluctance. Everything is crushingly big and strange for him at the moment. Adding that complication might drive him over the edge.

"Besides. I have to snort your mushrooms and travel a few thousand miles away," he says casually. "We'll figure it out."

I blink at him slowly.

"Yes. Well…" I look down at my naked self. "I suppose I should put on pants then."

"Yes. You should," he says with a wink and, despite myself, my heart soars. Maybe… somehow, we will win. Maybe I will stay alive long enough to taste him again. Maybe, just maybe, these fragile humans are exactly what the world needs.

Maybe he is what I need.

Even as I consider it, I feel a stab of betrayal from the depths of my soul. There I go again, giving myself a taste of hope, the most treacherous feeling of all.