Chapter Nine

CHAPTER NINE

Walker

Ifeel sick.

Sick and hollow and…confused.

I did what I had to do, didn’t I? Decided what was best for my peace of mind, what was best for Meadow’s safety, and I implemented the rules.

It’s what I do. What I’ve always done.

No one is supposed to question me.

She wasn’t supposed to cry. Or look so broken.

Christ, I fucked her so hard. In the middle of a fight. Both of us might have enjoyed the hell out of it, but afterward, she didn’t turn to me. Didn’t seek comfort. She’d turned away and I can’t blame her. I acted like a goddamn animal, bringing her to the height of pleasure, then trying to exact promises. Asshole.

I make a gruff sound and press my forehead to the glass of living room window. There is a hole in my stomach the approximate size of a cannon ball and with every fiber of my being, I want to be holding Meadow. Apologizing. Begging her to stop responding to me with such betrayal and sadness in her voice.

That’s not her.

She’s a fiery, take-no-bullshit girl.

What have I done to her in the space of one fucking day?

Stooping forward in deference to the agony in my belly, I glance toward the stairs that lead to our bedroom. Helen just carried up a tray of dinner for Meadow. She should be downstairs eating with me. Sitting beside me and laughing, answering the four thousand questions I have about her life before today, about her likes and dislikes. We should be making love in front of the fireplace and making plans for the future. Instead…I think I’ve ruined any chance at happiness.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. I’ve gotten exactly what I want.

She’s safe.

She’s mine.

I’ve arranged Meadow in such a way that she can’t be used against me or distract me into making mistakes.

I’ve eliminated any chance of being vulnerable.

Why do I feel like my heart has been ripped out?

“Hey boss!”

I turn slightly to find Richie has been let into the house by one of the guards stationed at the door. Since bringing Meadow home, the number of men stationed outside has been tripled and I’m thinking of adding more.

To keep my enemy out?

Or to keep her inside?

Jesus, I’ve turned into a jailer.

What’s the alternative? Let Walker McManus’s wife walk the streets of Boston, like a normal person? She’s not normal. She’s my heart. My soul.

“Uh…boss?” Richie prompts, tapping the newspaper section against his leg.

I swallow hard. “Hey, man.” My smile is forced and withers almost immediately. “Sudoku, right?” I fall onto the couch and dig my thumbs into my eye sockets. “Where did you get stuck?”

He sits down next to me. “Is something wrong?”

I start to issue a denial, but simply say, “Yeah.”

“But…” His tone betrays his confusion. “…you can fix anything.”

“Thanks for your confidence in me, Rich, but I don’t know if I can fix this particular thing.” He’s waiting for an explanation and I know how much he hates people leaving him out of adult conversations, since he is one, so I force the words out. “It’s Meadow. I fell for her really hard, really fast, and then…all I could think about was losing her. So I did what I needed to do to stop me from losing her. Ever. But I think I might have lost her anyway.” A rough exhale leaves me. “Fuck, I was terrible to her. There’s no way she still loves me. I killed it.”

Richie is quiet for a few beats. “Did you tell her you’re sorry?”

“An apology isn’t going to cut it.”

“You still have to try.”

I launch to my feet and stride away, halting in front of the window. “What good is an apology if I’m not sure I’m willing to change my decision?”

“It’s not.”

A turn with a hollow laugh. “Don’t pull your punches or anything.”

Richie shrugs. “You don’t lie to me, so I don’t lie to you.”

I shake my head. “I just don’t know if there’s a way for us both to be happy. She wants a normal life and that’s the one thing I can’t give her.”

“‘You decide your own normal.’ You told me that on the playground the day we met. Remember? I told you people don’t treat me like I’m normal and you said, ‘Richie, you decide your own normal’.”

I face him and lean back on the windowsill. “Really?”

“Yeah. You didn’t have it normal, either, right? Everyone knew who you were. A McManus.”

“I didn’t want to be one,” I mutter, memories floating to the surface. “I wanted to play football and go to the dances, instead of sitting in on meetings with my father. Watching him negotiate. Or inflict injury. But I guess…I don’t know, I guess he just pushed and pushed until I stopped wanting or expecting anything but what he was offering. This life.” Cold slices through me. “Jesus, I’ve become my father.”

Richie snorts. “No.”

“Yes. I didn’t give a fuck about what she wanted, did I? I just told her how it was going to be, whether she liked it or not.”

“Your father just liked to be in charge, boss. You wanted to keep her safe.”

“I will keep her safe, no matter what. I have that power. Oh Christ…” I drag my hands down my face. “If something happened to her, I would die. But her unhappiness might kill me first. I have to try and fix this. There has to be a compromise.”

Richie smiled. “You decide your own normal.”

“Hey, thanks, Rich. I owe you double now,” I say, moving through the living room toward the stairs at a fast clip. “Can I take a rain check on that sudoku? I have some apologizing to do.”

He’s already on his way to the door, tongue in the corner of his mouth, scrutinizing the puzzle as he goes. “Sure thing, boss.”

On my way up the stairs, it occurs to me that Helen brought the tray up to Meadow half an hour ago. Why is it taking so long for her to come back down? Maybe she’s comforting my girl? The possibility that I’m going to walk in and find Meadow crying in Helen’s arms flays my insides.

“Meadow?” I call, reaching for the doorknob as soon as I travel the hallway. Pushing it open and stepping inside. “Meadow, I’m sorry—”

What the fuck.

With a growing sense of despair, I take in every detail of the scene at once.

Helen is tied to the bedpost with the belt off my robe.

The window is open.

Meadow is nowhere to be seen.

“I’m sorry, Walker. I couldn’t stop her—”

“She’s gone?” The words heave out of me. “How the fuck did she get out? We’re three stories up.”

Helen looks green. “She j-jumped.”

The roar climbs my throat and rips out like a barrage of gunfire. Ice forms on my skin as I throw myself toward the window, terrified at what I’ll find. Jesus. Jesus. She could be hurt. Could be dead. Could have killed herself trying to escape from me.

No. No. No.

Relief pelts me when there is nothing beneath the window.

Meaning she’s alive. But for how long? She’s out there without protection. She’s walking right into the middle of a street war she knows nothing about. We haven’t retaliated yet for New York’s attack on me today and that means I haven’t killed them yet. They’re still out there. And if she’s seen leaving my house, she’ll be targeted. Taken. I did this. I didn’t listen. I fucking drove away the love of my life.

I throw my head out the window. “MEADOW!”