Summer Journal

THE CARAVAN—TATE'S HOLIDAY PARK

AUGUST 23, 2010, 2:15 A.M.

Can't stop my hand shaking. Can't stop crying. Oh God. It doesn't feel real. I keep thinking, hoping, maybe it isn't? Like, maybe I imagined it all? I need to get it down but my hand won't stop shaking.

I feel so far from the girl I was before tonight. That girl worried about whether it might be awkward, bringing the boy. Or about how he looked like he'd made too much effort in his blue shirt and silver chain which made him look mega fit but also like a farm boy dressed for a posh night out.

I'd give anything to go back to that girl. She's gone forever now. She died tonight, too.

Got to go back to the beginning. Can't tell anyone. Can only get it down here.

It started with Hugo meeting us on the driveway which made it uncomfortable straight off the bat. He gave Jake the once-over and was like, mate the cocktail party's that way? Ugh. I wanted to kill him then, the way he looked at us.

Imagine if Jake had got offended, even punched him or something, and we had to leave. That would have been the end. But he was cool about it. Just looked at Hugo's hoodie and baggy shorts, smacked his palm against his head and was like, sorry mate. This must be the virgin gamers' convention?

Then this awful moment where I had no idea what was about to go down. Finally Hugo went ha! Where did you find this guy? I like him. Then he looked me up and down and went: well you look fucking delicious, if I may say so. Losing that cherry suits you. Can see you're a bit chilly there.

I felt Jake tense and gripped his hand, like: don't say anything. Again, we could have just turned around then...

But we didn't. We followed Hugo round to the pool. Oscar was there, plus a couple of local girls. Frankie, stretched out on a lounger. Her get-up made me feel like a little girl in a party dress: lime-green bikini, hot-pink mules, see-thru crochet top. But Jake squeezed my waist then. I saw Frankie's eyes flick to his hand, back up again. Then she grinned. So good to meet you, she said to Jake, standing up and walking round the edge of the pool like a supermodel on the catwalk. Oh, I love your shirt. Goes so well with that neck chain. Her eyes flicking to me. Sparrow's told me so much about you.

My stomach flipped then. I've told her basically nothing.

Then she says to him: come help me with the ice. I want to bring a whole load out for the booze and you look nice and strong.

Jake shrugged at me and followed her into the house. I took a beer and stood by the pool like a lemon while Hugo and Oscar showed off to the local girls and I wondered if I should find some way of warning them about the twins.

Finally after I'd drunk that first beer, and another, Jake and Frankie reappeared, Jake carrying a big freezer box of ice.

Jake nodded at the pool, grinned at the others, and said, can't believe none of you are swimming! I'd have brought my trunks.

Next second, there was this huge splash and Jake came up spitting water, looking totally confused. It took a moment to work out what had happened.

There you go, fella, Hugo said, big smirk on his face. Knock yourself out.

Fuck you, I thought. Maybe it was downing two beers on an empty stomach, cos I'm never normally that brave. But I didn't overthink it. Just took a deep breath and jumped straight in. My dress floated up all around me. Jake smiled, pulled me close. The steam from the water lit up by the pool lights like a smokescreen. Felt like it was just him and me in that moment so I kissed him. Felt his arms go round my back. When we finally broke off I saw her face turned in our direction. Watching us.

I knew then it had been a big mistake to come.