Chapter Thirty Two

The river rumbled below her, pouring on through its channel, churning and muddy in the rain. Ash pulled up her hood and kept walking.

She had thinking to do, and she thought best while she was on her feet. She tromped down the embankment, waiting for her thoughts to order themselves, waiting to bring all the pieces together.

The truth was that she wasn't happy here. There were a lot of reasons for that. Most of which had to do with Tetherington and the people in it. Yes, Pen was a big part of things, but she'd put a pin in that and come back to it. There was more though.

The town had taken her in, whether she liked it or not. When the bookshop had been burgled, they had come unquestioningly to help her. And, Ash realized, she liked that. She liked the feeling of being helped and it prompted her to want to help.

Living in London had always been a question of anonymity for her. Growing up in small towns, her mother's constant marriages had been fodder for gossip and Ash had become used to everyone knowing who she was. So once the opportunity had arisen, she'd left, started out in the big city, become the person she wanted to be. Or thought she wanted to be.

She wasn't foolish enough to think that she couldn't change, that she shouldn't change. She obviously had changed, through pure luck and happenstance, and she was okay with that. She found something there, not just someone, but something. Things about herself that made her feel more… well, more herself.

She'd been avoiding thinking about the issue of Pen because she didn't want to tie any decision to one person. To Ash that seemed unfair. She didn't want Pen to be the sole reason that she changed her life. She needed to know that she was changing her life for herself.

Pen was unavoidably part of things though. Pen provoked feelings that Ash had never known and as uncomfortable as that sometimes could be, she found that Pen occupied more and more of her thoughts.

It wasn't just sex either, though that was part of it. She thought about Pen's smile, her cakes, she thought about telling Pen things and hearing her laugh. She thought about Pen being a part of her every-day life and that singular thought made her happy. Actually happy.

Which all led to the inescapable conclusion that she had strong, deep feelings for Pen and that, logical or not, she didn't actually want to be far away from her.

Pen was her other half. The words from Mary's journal struck a chord with her. Finding Pen was like finding an entire other side of herself that she hadn't known existed.

Pen was good and kind and beautiful and generous. She was so giving she'd almost given herself into debt. Pen was more than good though, more than in the sense most people were good. Because Pen didn't just talk the talk, she acted. She might be foolish and optimistic and hopeful, but she put herself out there and acted on what she believed.

And in the end, that's what made the difference to Ash.

She'd had enough of being hopeless, enough of being alone, and yet here she was pushing herself into the exact same situation that she'd left just because it was the sensible thing to do.

Turning on her heel, she started to stomp back to her flat, hurrying now because there were things to do, people to see.

If Pen had taught her anything it was that being optimistic wasn't a bad thing, not if you were willing to do the work to make the world the kind of place that you wanted it to be. And Ash knew how she wanted her world to be. Knew without the slightest doubt.

The river continued its journey on and on, and Ash turned off the embankment, speed walking toward home. Except she didn't think she could really call it home anymore.

SHE WAS JUST locking the front door behind her when Amanda came up the stairs. "The lift's still broken."

"I know," Ash said. "It's a pain in the backside." She was in a hurry now that she had a plan, her keys clutched in her hands. There was a lot to do.

"Fancy a coffee?" Amanda said. "I've put aside a couple of books for you that I think you might like."

Ash smiled. "Thanks, that's kind. But I've got a lot on this afternoon."

Amanda frowned a little. "You know, I'm not sure I've seen you looking happy before. It's a nice change. What's going on?"

"Nothing," Ash said. "Well, everything." She couldn't stop smiling now that she'd started. "I just… Well, you know the other day when you said you liked the mixture of reality and fantasy?"

Amanda nodded. "Yeah, you asked me why I read romance."

"I think you might be right about the balance between the two," Ash said. "I've had an awful lot of reality, maybe it's time to let a bit of something else in."

Amanda's eyes widened. "Don't tell me, you're chasing down your Prince Charming."

"Um, it's a Princess actually," said Ash.

"Oh, Christ, sorry, I shouldn't have assumed. I didn't know," stumbled Amanda.

"It's alright," beamed Ash. "I didn't know until recently either. It's sort of a… new thing."

"And this is in with the new and out with the old, is it?"

Ash laughed. "Yes, I think that about sums it up."

"And it's not just sparkles and funny feelings in your tummy, right?"

Ash thought about Pen turning up all the time with cakes, thought about how she'd give until she had nothing left to give, about her massive debt problems, about how she never saw the bad side of anything, and shook her head. "No, there's some reality thrown in as well."

"She sounds perfect then," said Amanda. "Best of luck. Um, anything I can do?"

It went against everything Ash was to ask for real help, but here she was and Amanda was offering and, well, in the end, nobody could stand alone, could they? "Actually, there might be a few things you can do. I'm thinking of selling this place."

Amanda smiled. "That I definitely can help with."

"You can?" Ash asked. She'd been about to ask if Amanda would mind being the key holder so that the estate agent could show people around, sort of a contact person. She hadn't expected more than that.

"Um, Jason's an estate agent, remember?" laughed Amanda.

Ash cursed herself. All those dinners and recorder concerts and she'd never really paid much attention. "Ah, right, yes, of course he is."

"I'll get him to give you a knock when he gets home tonight," Amanda said. She paused as she put the key in her own door. "You'll be missed though, Ash."

"Thank you," said Ash. "I'll miss you too." Which was, surprisingly, actually the truth.

ALL THOSE YEARS of never asking for help, and here she was doing it twice in one day. Ash crossed her legs and tapped her fingers on the arm of the chair impatiently. She checked the clock again.

"Can I get you a coffee?" asked the receptionist.

"No, thank you," Ash said. The last thing she needed was more coffee to add to her jitters.

It wasn't that she was unsure. Not now that she'd decided. It was more that she wanted to get things started, was anxious to begin this whole new section of her life.

And maybe she was a little nervous. Who knew whether this whole plan was going to work out or not? Which was why she'd decided not to say anything to Pen. Pen was the eternal optimist, she'd be sure everything would work out, and Ash couldn't stand to disappoint her.

Pen had been so disappointed when Ash hadn't inherited the bookshop, even though Ash had known from the start that she hadn't belonged, that something had been off about the whole thing. Now though, she had a chance to set things right and that was what she was going to do.

Her phone buzzed.

Thinking of you.

She grinned to herself. Every message from Pen filled her with a warmth that had started out unfamiliar but that she was very much growing to like.

Always thinking of you, she typed back.

Doing anything interesting?

Ash looked around at the white-walled office. Not really.

Want to do something interesting?

Ash felt herself color. Surely you're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

There was a brief pause. Well, I was thinking of a video call. But I'm more than willing to indulge in whatever it was you were thinking, Pen wrote back with a laughing emoji.

"He's ready for you," the receptionist called to Ash.

Ash bit her lip. Hold that thought for later, she wrote. Got a work thing.

She didn't want to lie, but she couldn't tell the truth yet.

Hoping that she looked a lot more confident than she felt, she got up and walked into the office. A familiar face greeted her, looking over his glasses.

"I have to say, Ms. Wells, I didn't expect to see you back here again so soon," Snythe said.

Ash took a seat. "Well, you did say to come back to you with any legal problems I had."

He sighed and took off his glasses. "I do hope you haven't been arrested, Ms. Wells, I'm afraid I'm not really that kind of solicitor."

"Why would you think…" Ash took a breath. "Never mind. You are the kind of solicitor that can help with property though, aren't you?"

Snythe nodded and Ash began to outline exactly what she wanted.

When she was done, he leaned back in his chair. "This is a little unorthodox," he said. "I can't represent two people on opposite sides of the same contract."

"I'm not asking you to represent me," Ash said. "I'm asking you to present the option to your client, that's all." She stared him down. "I think you owe me after everything, don't you?"

Snythe took a deep breath, the nodded. "Very well, I'll do what you ask," he said, putting his glasses back on again.