6. Sequin

6

SEQUIN

I watch the clock on the dresser. 12:03. I’m near the top of the raccoon pile tonight, poised for my escape. All my brothers are sleeping soundly, probably dreaming of their exciting futures far away from here.

Little do they know that I have an exciting future too. Not far away, but right here in the trailer park. I just have to do a little sneaking around to get it started. Slade said he thought I was sexy. He’s only holding back because he thinks he isn’t good enough for me. He’s wrong, and he deserves to be with someone who sees his worth. Once I put my paws on his chest, all his insecurities will melt away, and we can be together. Mom won’t mind if we stay in my room for a little while until we can get a trailer of our own. We can even clear out the craft room for Slade’s little brother.

Everything will be perfect.

At one o’clock I climb up the rope and jump into the pile of pillows on the floor. I glance back, checking to see if I woke any of my brothers, but none of them stir. I have to shift into my human form to open the door. Once I close it again, I shrink back into a raccoon and scurry into the kitchen. The doggie door Mom installed to let us come and go in our raccoon forms when we were little kids is still there.

I jump through it and out into the night.

Nighttime in rural Texas has its own sound. It isn’t just the song of the cicadas, it’s the rustle of prairie grass billowing in the wind and the hum of every AC unit in the trailer park running at full blast to fight off the sweltering heat. Silver once said that most people thought of a certain smell or person when they thought of home, but for him, home was a sound. He said when he heard his brothers breathing softly in their sleep, he knew he was where he belonged.

I agreed with him back then. But now I realize that home isn’t stagnant. It can change.

To me, home is about the people you’re with. My people are about to leave. That means I need to find new ones.

I climb over the chain-link fence that separates Georgina’s yard from ours. I don’t know where Slade’s room is, or how I’m going to get inside once I figure it out. But at least all the windows in the house are dark. I run across the yard littered with car parts and up the deck to the sliding glass door. I weigh the option of turning back into my human form to open it, but then I’d be buck naked in Slade’s back yard. Instead, I grip the glass with my paws and pull back with all my might.

The door budges just a bit. That means it isn’t locked.

I put my paws into the tiny opening and spread them wide until there’s enough space to fit my body through. Sometimes being small has its advantages. Once I’m inside, there’s no real way of shutting the door without a lot of effort, so I leave it open.

My vision in the dark is decent as a raccoon. I’m able to find my way through the kitchen to the hallway of doors. One of them is already open. The room inside has a linoleum floor, so that’s probably the bathroom. I walk along the floorboards, listening for movement. When I get to the first door, I sniff underneath it, hoping to pick up Slade’s scent. My nose is much more sensitive in this form. But all I can smell is Georgina’s perfume.

I move to the next closed door. Slade’s musky scent rushes at me before I even start sniffing. I push my paws against his door, hoping that it isn’t properly latched. Unfortunately, it doesn’t move at all.

Damn it. Either I have to shift to open it, or I have to figure out how to do it with my paws. I decide that the latter option isn’t practical. It will require jumping and probably wake Slade up. If he knew what I was planning, he’d try to stop me. I quickly shift into my human form. It’s absolutely terrifying standing in that hallway, naked and vulnerable. But I only have to stay that way for a moment. I twist the knob and open the door just a crack. Then I shift back as quickly as possible.

My heart races as I stand there on all four paws, about to enter Slade’s bedroom. What if he’s not asleep? He could be messing around on his phone or lying awake in bed. What would he say if he saw me creeping into his room in my raccoon form?

I can’t focus on that. I have to be brave and go after a future that excites me. That’s what Silver said. If I chicken out now, I’ll have to watch all my brothers leave, knowing I have nothing to look forward to.

I push the door open with my front paws. The room is as dark as the rest of the house, which implies that Slade isn’t on his phone. I’d be able to see the glow of it. There’s a twin bed in the corner of the room. Slade’s huge form rests on it, his arm hanging over the side, and his feet extending past the edge. It’s surreal to watch him sleep like this. If everything goes according to plan, I’ll be able to sleep next to him soon. It will be totally different than sharing a hammock with my brothers, but I think I’m ready for that.

I like the idea of curling into Slade’s big body at night.

As I get closer, I see that he’s shirtless under his sheet. The bottom of his legs are bare too, so maybe he’s more than shirtless. The idea of that makes me a little nervous. I’ve never done anything besides chastely kiss a boy before, and that was on the elementary school playground when I was seven years old. Mom said it would all come naturally to me when the time came. She told me not to worry about it. But I worry Slade will be disappointed with my inexperience.

I just have to do my best. If I try hard to make it good for him, I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it. At least I hope so.

I scamper up the top of the bed and perch on his bedpost. From here I can see the slow rise and fall of his chest. He twitches in his sleep. I almost lose my footing because his movement is so sudden. What will I do if he wakes up? Maybe mountain lion shifters have a great sense of smell, like wolf shifters. I need to hurry up before anything can go wrong.

Slowly, I crawl along the edge of the bed. I stand on my hind legs, which is always a precarious position as a raccoon and outstretch my paws.

This is it. Slade is about to be mine. Then he can stop thinking he isn’t good enough, and we can just be happy together. I gently press my paws on the warm skin of his chest. It’s all a bit awkward. When I pictured doing this as a kid, I thought my paws would be centered—one paw for each pec. But both my paws are on the right side of his chest. For a moment, I’m not sure I did it right. Then a powerful surge rushes through me. It’s like a rush of wind, but instead of blowing at my skin, it lights me up inside with a warmth that makes me feel like my body is glowing. I remove my paws from Slade’s chest to look at them in wonder.

Slade lurches awake. I try to get my balance, but I’m on my hind legs, and I go toppling over, landing with a thud on the ground. Instinct takes over, and I rush under the bed to hide.

“Hello?” Slade says. “Is anyone there?” His voice sounds groggy and confused.

Should I answer him? I’d have to shift into my human form to do that, which would mean being naked under Slade’s bed. I know we’re going to see each other naked eventually, but I hadn’t planned on baring it all for him tonight.

Slade’s foot drops in front of me, mere inches from my snout. “Georgina?”

If he goes to get Georgina, then they both might return to his room to look for whatever woke him up. There are plenty of pests in this part of Texas. They might even mistake me for a regular raccoon and get Georgina’s glock. Her nephew likes to hunt the wild raccoons living around here. He used to hang the pelts in her backyard when we were kids. It was absolutely terrifying.

Before I can think better of it, I shift into my human form. The space under the bed becomes far too small, and I feel horribly exposed, even though Slade can’t see me yet.

“It’s me,” I say softly.

“Quin?” Slade’s other foot drops down. “Where are you?”

“Don’t look, but I’m underneath your bed.”

His knees lower to the ground. He must have missed the “don’t look” part.

“I’m naked! Don’t look!” I say a little too loudly. The last thing I need is for Georgina to come into his room because she overheard us talking.

“You’re naked? Underneath my bed?” Slade asks.

“Yes. I was in my raccoon form, but then you woke up, and I can’t talk in my raccoon form, so I shifted back. But I don’t have my clothes.”

He laughs. “What?” His knees lift and I watch his feet walk across the room. A white piece of fabric sails at my head. It takes me a second to realize it’s a shirt. A really big shirt.

“Put that on,” he says.

That’s easier said than done while hiding under a small twin bed. Getting it over my head isn’t too bad, but extending my arms out into the shirt holes requires me to twist and bend in uncomfortable ways. I finally pull the fabric over my body.

“Are you okay under there?” he asks.

I wriggle out from underneath his bed slowly. I’m lying on the floor, holding the hem of his shirt to my knees, when the light flips on. I shield my eyes, not ready for the blinding light.

His muscular body is naked except for the sheet he has clutched around his waist. His entire chest and right leg are exposed. I’ve always been a bit overwhelmed by him, but at this angle, I see the hard lines of his muscle in a different way. He isn’t just big, he’s beautiful. Chiseled, even. Like a god sculpted him from marble. I’ve always liked his tattoos. I thought they made him look older, and like a bad boy, if I’m honest. But when I actually look at the images themselves, they’re a layered work of art. His right arm has the outline of flowers carefully shaded with just black. His left arm is covered with symbols I don’t know the meaning of, but I recognize them. The grizzly shifters in our area wear jewelry with beads that have those symbols.

He stays completely still as I stare at him. I glance up at his face to see shock etched in his features.

“Quin, I…” he trails off, and shakes his head. “You’re…” he tries again, but the words still don’t come. He steps closer to me and crouches down, hovering over me. The light frames his head like some kind of angel.

I should tell him what I’ve done. If I explained how raccoon shifter bonding works, he wouldn’t need to be confused. But he doesn’t seem happy—he seems distressed. Have I made a mistake?

“I thought you liked me,” I say.

“I do. But like I said, I’m no good for you.”

That’s when I understand. Even the primal pull of a fated mate isn’t enough to convince Slade to touch me. Not because he doesn’t want me. He must. But because he thinks he doesn’t deserve me, and that insecurity is bigger than love–bigger than anything in his heart.

That won’t do. Not if we’re going to live happily ever after. I sit up, bringing our bodies closer. He stares back into my eyes with this tortured expression, like wanting me is the worst thing in the world.

“Don’t you think I should get to decide what’s good for me?” I place my hand on his chest where my paw was only moments earlier. He takes in a sharp breath the moment I touch him. That breath comes out ragged as I trail my fingers down his torso, stopping once I reach the place where he’s clutching the sheet around his body.

“I’ll want you more than once,” he warns me. “I like you too much.”

I smile up at him. “Good.”

He drops the sheet and his body surrounds me. His huge arms wrap around my shoulders, and his face descends. His mouth claims mine with a ferocity that’s far more than a kiss. I melt into him, my lips opening as he shoves his tongue in my mouth. It’s like surrendering to lightning. My whole body is on fire as he molds our mouths together, our teeth clacking from the force of his strength.

The rightness of the kiss is undeniable. Our connection is like a form of home. Not a sound or a scent, but a sensation of belonging so deep, I’ve never felt anything like it before. This is bigger than the connection I have with my brothers. It’s more demanding, too. I feel like I’ll die if Slade doesn’t fill me up and make me whole.

I kiss him back, running my fingers over the smooth planes and hard edges of his torso. The sensation of his body hair along my fingertips is almost as good as the heat of his mouth, as it travels across my jaw and to my ear. The skin there is wildly sensitive. Especially when he bites my earlobe.

“Oh,” I whisper, not able to hold all the emotion in.

I’m suddenly airborne. Slade lifts me onto the bed by my armpits and then rests his big body on top of mine. His weight is glorious. Not comforting, like cuddling with my brothers, but intense and overpowering. I can barely breathe. But I don’t want him to get up. I like the way he smashes my body into the mattress.

He kisses me again. The kissing paired with his weight is an onslaught of sensation. There’s nothing in the world except for Slade and his body. He begins to rock against me, creating a delicious friction against my cock that makes me whimper. Only the thin fabric of his shirt separates my sensitive erection from his body. I feel a stiff, hot shape blaze against my own cock. That must be his.

The ache between my legs blooms into a feral need.

Slade lowers his mouth to my neck and sucks at the skin. The pressure of his lips and teeth creates a wild pleasure that’s almost too much to bear. Then the fabric is pulled up, and we’re skin against skin. The heat of his cock sears against mine. He grips us together, and my whole world fractures. I cry out as an orgasm tears through me. His mouth covers mine immediately. In the back of my mind, I realize he’s trying to cover the noise. His foster mother is in the other room. I shouldn’t be screaming.

But I didn’t know orgasms could be like that. My body shivers, the pleasure still overtaking me as I come all over his fist. I cling to him with a desperation that’s foreign to me, my fingers clawing at his back like a wild animal. For a moment I feel horribly vulnerable because he isn’t coming yet. Maybe this is better for me than it is for him. What if something went wrong, and our connection is only one way? Then his hand releases my cock and slides between my legs.

There’s so much slick. My cheeks burn with embarrassment as his fingers run through it. The scent of my arousal is so powerful, I worry he’ll be put off by it.

He closes his eyes and lets out a ragged breath. “Oh, Quin. I want you so badly.”

“Then have me,” I say. I can’t believe how bold and brave I sound, even though I’m terrified he’ll say we can’t or we shouldn’t or some other phrase that would mean this has to end. I’ve given him everything I have—splayed my heart and soul in front of him like an offering. What if he walks away?

He circles his fingers around that secret place I’ve only touched a few times. Masturbating with my dick in the shower is always easier. When Slade touches me there, I become nothing but want. I need him deeper.

He presses a fingertip into me. It feels so good. I buck my hips, desperate for more. The rest of his finger slides in, and oh God. I arch my chest as my whole body goes taut. I’m coming again on his finger. I thrash back and forth because I know I’m not supposed to scream, and the energy of the pleasure has to escape somewhere. I grasp for his body again, clawing at his arms.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he whispers in my ear.

His finger withdraws. I open my mouth to protest, but then he slides it back in. There must be more this time, because the penetration is thicker and more satisfying. I squeeze around him, reveling in the feeling of fullness.

Slade grabs my hand and guides it to something hot and smooth. I look down and see his cock for the first time. It’s much bigger than mine—much thicker too. The skin of the head is a dark pink. I squeeze it tight, like I squeezed his fingers.

He takes a deep breath through his nose. “Be careful, baby. Or this will be over before it’s started.”

“Then you’ll… have me?” I ask, not sure what I should call it. Fucking? Making love?

He presses a kiss to my forehead. “I want you. But I don’t have a condom.”

My moms have been talking to me about protection since before it was probably appropriate. But Slade is my future mate. I can feel it in my bones. It’s not like this is a one-night-stand or anything.

“This is my first time. I won’t give you anything,” I say.

He rests his forehead against mine. “This is your first time? Oh, Quin. I should have done it differently. I’m sorry?—”

“I’m not sorry. I want you. Please.”

My heart hammers as I wait for his response. Maybe I’m being selfish. Pregnancy is a risk, too. I know that. But we’re experiencing the same attraction fated mates do when they meet each other. They fuck, don’t they?

It’s hard to think about anything but fucking while his fingers are inside me.

“I have to move to Austin,” Slade says. “I have a job there. I was going to tell you earlier tonight, but you mentioned that your brothers were moving too, and it didn’t seem the right time.”

He withdraws his fingers, leaving me empty. It feels like the world is falling from underneath me. I put my paws on Slade. He was my chance at a future that I could be excited about. But even he’s leaving.

Maybe I have to leave too. Is that what the universe is saying?

“Are there bakeries in Austin?” I ask.

He seems confused. “What do you mean?”

Of course that would be confusing to him. It would be crazy for me to go with him. He doesn’t know that he’s my only chance at a bond now.

“Never mind,” I say. This was all such a stupid mistake. The only time Slade has ever shown any interest in me was when he felt sorry for me and now when I forced him into desiring me by putting my paws on him.

“There are probably a lot of bakeries in Austin. It’s a big city. I’ll be working for this auto repair shop. The owner said I could stay in a room above the shop until I get an apartment of my own. I don’t know if he’d let me have overnight guests. But if you were ever willing to visit…” He swallows hard. “I can’t tell you how badly I want you, but I have nothing to give you in return. I’m nothing, Quin. And you’re… you’re perfect.”

The world starts reshaping. Weekends in Austin with Slade. Weekdays at home with Mom, baking. We could take the bread to the big city. Eventually, Slade would get his own apartment. I could get a job at a bakery.

He said I was perfect. He must really want me if he said that.

“Could we just try?” I ask. “Please.”

He searches my face, the same tortured look from before returning to his features. But he moves his body lower, and I feel pressure against my entrance. “Are you sure?”

I bob my head up and down. “Yes.”

It hurts a little as he slides inside me. The pressure and the discomfort aren’t all bad, though. They’re overwhelming in the same way Slade’s big body always is. I like how overwhelming he is. He locks eyes with me as he pushes inside. I’ve never felt so close to someone. He never looks away. Not even when I tell him to stop because it’s too much at once, or when I ask him to keep going because I’m finally ready. He stays with me the whole time, until there’s so much of him inside me, I know I can’t take any more or I’ll break.

We stay there in perfect stillness for a long time. And then he rocks his hips ever so slightly. The enormous pressure shifts into pleasure. I let out a pent-up breath.

“Will you go slow?” I ask.

“Yes.”

He’s so gentle. The tiny rocks slowly turn into careful thrusts. His cock makes the inside of my body sing. It’s still a little uncomfortable in the beginning, but then he pushes against a spot that makes my body tingle.

“Right there,” I gasp.

He thrusts in earnest now, hitting that spot again. I clutch at his shoulders, moving my hips in tandem. Our bodies crash together over and over again. The pleasure slowly escalates. I’m already so overwhelmed by his size and the heat in his eyes, I don’t know if I can survive the high of it. If I squeeze around him, it will be too much. But he moves faster. The bed creaks underneath us, and neither of us care. He drives me closer and closer, until I can’t stop it coming—until I go careening over that cliff and every muscle in my body seizes up.

I scream into his mouth. He moans into mine. He shakes against me, losing control at the same time. I hold him close, needing to feel his trembling, as my orgasm goes on and on. He peppers me with kisses across my face. I finally relax onto his mattress as the intensity subsides, but for him it isn’t over. That’s when I notice he’s pulled out of me. Not all the way, just enough for the large knot at the base of his cock to come out. I can see it between our bodies.

My heart aches at the loss. I want his knot. But intellectually, I know I couldn’t have taken it. At least not yet. He would have hurt me if he’d tried.

I circle my fingers around the knot. He throws his head back at the added pressure. I can’t quite get my hand around it completely, but I squeeze it as best I can, watching his face twist with pleasure. I milk his knot with my hand for several minutes until it starts to shrink. Not completely, but enough that he lies down beside me, burying his nose in my neck.

A sense of wholeness washes over me. This is what I need. Not just the sex, but the closeness.

“I’ll visit you in Austin,” I say, as I feel myself drifting to sleep.

“Yes. In Austin,” he mumbles.

That’s something to look forward to.