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Chapter 7

Seven

Presley

Lines.

My eyes zoom back to the stick. There’s no mistaking the second blue line, it stands out like a pink elephant in a room full of nuns.

I yank the stick, bringing it close to my sight. It sits in my shaking hands. Two blue lines. With a sudden urge, I grab the box, turning it over to make sure I followed the instructions precisely.

There’s no mistaking it’s there. Taunting me, laughing in my face about how my life is about to change forever. Weight gain, imbalanced hormones, swelling ankles to name a few.

Pregnancy is supposed to be a joyous occasion. I’m supposed to feel elated. Motherhood has some great moments, but it is utterly exhausting and giving birth is less appealing.

I can’t do this again.

Not now, not when Haden and I are just starting to enjoy Masen becoming more independent, therefore giving us more time with each other. We went straight to having a kid, never experiencing the honeymoon stage many couples enjoy prior to starting a family.

I’m selfish, wanting more time alone with my husband. Another baby will just get in the way.

Our business is booming. Haden predicts we will double in the next two years if we work hard and play our cards right. We, being the operative word. I can’t take maternity leave, stay at home and raise another baby. I need to be in the office. My job is my life. I am not cut out to stay home and bake cookies while my husband galivants across the country.

The timing is all wrong.

Haden’s voice echoes in the bedroom. Panicked, I wrap the test in toilet paper and place it in the bottom drawer, pushing it to the back beneath some tampons.

Haden knocks on the bathroom door.

“Babe, Lex wants to go through some things tomorrow night. He suggests we come over for dinner. You cool with that?”

My voice is caught up in my throat. I’m not up for anything besides wanting to climb into a dark hole and cry myself to sleep.

“Um, sure,” I croak, clearing my throat to disguise my fear. “Sounds like a plan.”

His footsteps fade away, relief washing over me. I turn on the shower, the tap set to cold, and stand beneath the cascade of water trying to wash away tonight’s events. Perhaps I shouldn’t panic. Tests can be wrong. I’m sure I heard a friend of a friend who had positive pregnancy tests only to find out her HCG levels were high because she had a tumor.

Cancer, I haven’t even thought of that.

I shake my head, the whirlwind of thoughts causing my body to almost collapse in the shower. With trembling hands, I turn the water off and step out, drying myself off. Brushing my teeth quickly, I change into one of Haden’s boxers and old tee, then climb into bed.

The panic feels all too familiar, building like an unstoppable snowball in the pit of my stomach except last time, I was pregnant to a man I loathed. Despite that, I was willing to raise my son alone.

I was naïve to think I could do it on my own. Haden proves to be more than I could have ever imagined. He enriches Masen’s life and gives him the love he deserves. I have no doubt he will do the same for another baby. I just wish for once, it would be all about me.

And I hate myself for even being jealous.

This baby has no clue how much it will change our lives.

It will be only a matter of time.

For the first night, in a long time, Haden doesn’t touch me. It’s almost as if he can sense the change in my body. He simply kisses me good night then rolls over.

I wait for Masen to come in, desperate for a distraction, but he never does. Instead, I lay wide awake staring at the ceiling until my lids feel heavy, and sleep becomes imminent.

* * *

I am sitting in Dr. Somersby’s waiting room, tapping my feet impatiently. The click of my patent Louboutins is a welcoming distraction from what started off as a terrible day.

Everything that can go wrong does go wrong.

A print publication had an error on the cover, sending Haden into the biggest fit over costs to reproduce. Georgia, one of my best editors, handed in her resignation because her boyfriend proposed last night and wants her to move to France where he is originally from. I don’t exactly blame her, the thought alone is romantic. Yet, losing a good employee is disheartening. Not only will she be difficult to replace, our team dynamic will change.

Our server went down at midday, stopping all productivity. In the kitchen, someone yelled ‘mouse’ before screaming the place down. I later learned that someone was Clint, but only because I managed to peel myself away from the boardroom where I hid in an effort not to encounter the dirty rodent.

When three o’clock rolled around, I told Haden I needed to run some errands before ducking home to pick up Masen, then head over to Lex and Charlie’s house for dinner. I’m certain he doesn’t hear me, too busy yelling over the phone at our IT Department over the server issues.

“Mrs. Cooper.”

Dr. Somersby welcomes me with a smile, ushering me into her office. I take a seat, nervously breathing out as she asks how she can help me today.

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“You think you’re pregnant?”

“Or maybe I have a tumor… I don’t know,” I ramble, terrified.

“Okay, first things first. Have you taken a home pregnancy test?”

I nod, scratching my nails along my thighs to stabilize my nerves.

“And I’m assuming it came back positive?”

I nod again. Dr. Somersby opens her drawer, removing a specimen cup and placing it directly in front of me.

“Take this into the bathroom, and we can confirm right now.”

My hands are shaking while I grab the cup. I head toward the bathroom, closing the door behind me to return moments later.

Placing on some latex gloves, she pulls a strip out of a packet, dipping it into the urine, then removes it quickly.

“You’re pregnant all right.” Ripping off her glove, she turns back to face me with a smile. “Okay, you’ll need to do a blood test to determine your due date. Do you remember the first day of your last period?”

The overwhelming emotions stunt my ability to speak. A force, so great, that I’m unable to control its fierce wave which brutally crashes into me every time I think about having this baby. I’m knocked out cold, senseless, trying to tell myself I just need to get up. Get out of this mess.

“Um… September the eighth, I think.”

She spins a cardboard wheel around, then takes down some notes.

“Makes you about four weeks pregnant. Still early days, so let’s get a blood test done next week.” Her voice carries on, an overwhelming amount of information which is difficult for me to take in. “Have you been taking your prenatal vitamins.”

“Uh, no. I wasn’t exactly planning for this.”

Dr. Somersby pauses, her eyes showed a kind of gentle concern. “You do want to go ahead with this pregnancy, don’t you?”

I sit quietly, careful not to show any emotion. I want to tell her how terrified I am, how the timing is all wrong. I’m desperate to share my anxiety of becoming a mother again, losing my identity, and worrying my marriage will suffer because I won’t be able to manage it all.

Yet, I fear her judgment. I fear everyone’s judgment.

Instead, I force a smile. “Of course.”

She continues to give me information on what I need to do, but most importantly, to take it easy and enjoy the pregnancy.

On the way home, I crank up the stereo playing Alanis Morissette. Angry-girl music is just what I need to prepare myself mentally for a night with friends and forget, even for a few hours, that inside me, I’m carrying a baby.

Masen’s a terror when I pick him up from pre-school. According to the teacher, he tried to shove another kid in the sandpit, then ran off with his toy. When the teachers tried to discipline him, he told them his dad would send them to jail. It was very out of character for him which prompted a meeting about his behavior.

In the car, I try my best to explain to him why his actions were uncalled for.

“You don’t push other children.”

“Daddy pushes you,” he argues back, folding his arms as I watch him for a brief moment in the rearview mirror.

“Daddy has never pushed me,” I correct him.

He nods his head. “Yes, he did. He pushed you onto the bed and then he wrestled you. Your pants fell off and you told him to stop, but he didn’t, then you thought it was funny but then you made a crying sound.”

I slam my foot hard on the brake, only noticing the red light at the last minute. Behind me, a car beeps its horn at my erratic driving. I start to hyperventilate, gasping for air as the temperature rises. My finger fumbles for the button to open the window, welcoming the fresh air.

Clearing my throat, I turn around to look at Masen. “That was play wrestling. We both agreed to wrestle. It’s different, okay? Please don’t push anyone.”

Turning back around, the traffic light turns green prompting me to accelerate.

When we pull into the driveway, I tell Masen to get changed so we can head over to Charlie’s house when Haden gets home. He disappears into his room, and the second Haden walks through the door, I pull him aside.

“Masen saw us.”

“Doing what?” he asks, removing his shirt and dumping it on the floor. I pick it up, annoyed, throwing it into the dirty-clothes basket.

“Having sex.”

He stops mid-search for his polo shirt. “How do you know?”

I explained what happened at pre-school, then what Masen told me in the car. I expected Haden to be mortified like me but instead, he breaks into a fit of laughter.

“So, he saw us… he’s four. He’s not going to remember.”

“We need to be more careful,” I warn him.

“C’mon, we barely fuck as it is. Stop sweating the small stuff. The kid is fine.” He shakes his head in amusement. “Honestly, woman, you need to chill the fuck out.”

Frustrated with his lack of paternal concern for his son, I throw my hands in the air and demand he be ready in five minutes. With Masen dressed, I grab a pasta salad I had prepared early this morning and take the dish to the car.

* * *

Lex and Charlie’s house never ceases to amaze me. I have been here so many times yet every time we pass the iron gates and drive up the long driveway, my jaw drops at its sheer beauty.

It’s a classic French chateau with panoramic views of Malibu. When they bought the house a few years back, the previous owners had spent a fortune making the house luxurious with quality craftsmanship throughout the entire property.

The house itself boasts seven bedrooms and ten bathrooms. Some of the highlights are the gorgeous chef’s kitchen with a Groin vault ceiling and attached formal dining room with a stone fireplace.

There is a temperature-controlled wine room because the previous owners owned a winery in Napa Valley. Aside from the large home theater with adjoining wet bar, game room with mirrored glass ceiling, my favorite place in the whole house is the library. Much like myself and Haden, Charlie and Lex enjoy reading and collecting books. The room itself has a built-in fireplace and plush sofas to sink into and immerse yourself in a good book.

We circle the driveway, stopping at the front door. The luscious landscaped grounds surround us as we exit the car and wait at the door.

“This house is something,” Haden comments, admiring the woodwork of the door.

I nod in agreement as the door opens, and Charlie greets us.

Lex is one of our shareholders and husband to one of my best friends, Charlie. Together, they have three daughters. I don’t know how Charlie juggles it all. Much like Haden, Lex works a fair bit plus Charlie runs her own law firm. She often tells us she chases her tail, barely sleeps, and the key to pulling it off is a routine. Lex, unless traveling, always drops the girls off to school so Charlie starts early those days. She works from home twice a week, plus hired two senior lawyers to take the workload off so she can focus on the more urgent cases.

They seem to have it all together, despite Charlie arguing they don’t. However, they have a strict rule in their family—no work on the weekends. It seems to work. They have a strong marriage and three beautiful and well-rounded children.

“Lex is grilling some chicken. He’s been watching some cooking show trying to become the next Gordon Ramsay.” She laughs, tossing her hair to the side as she ushers us in. “Who am I to complain? A husband who cooks is every woman’s dream.”

Haden kisses Charlie on the cheek and heads to the back to join Lex. Masen has already run off, finding Charlie’s youngest daughter, Addison, on the trampoline out back.

“Where are the rest of the girls?”

“Amelia is in her room, sulking. You know, being dramatic and all.”

“Already?”

“Yes, and Lex said she isn’t allowed to go to a boy’s party when he found out she kissed said boy at school on a dare.”

“Oh,” I mouth. “Boys…”

“Not boys… a boy.”

I cringe. “That’s even worse.”

“You’re telling me. So that’s her, and Ava is probably out back practicing for her game this weekend.”

I can’t imagine raising three girls. Lex, an overprotective husband and father, often expresses his anxiety over the girls reaching puberty. Amelia is one beautiful girl. She is the spitting image of Lex with her mousy brown hair and deep green eyes, the same goes for her sister, Ava.

Addison, their youngest, is a mix of both.

Charlie leads me to the kitchen. I place the dish down on the countertop, taking in the delicious aromas.

“So, I heard about Indie Press,” she says, tossing the lettuce in the salad bowl. “Good news, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You’re not happy?”

“I am, it’s just a lot of work,” I tell her, not wanting to the share the real reason why I am not happy.

“Since when are you afraid of work?” She stops mid-laugh, watching me with concern. “What’s wrong? Something is wrong. Is everything okay between you and Haden?”

Charlie knows me well. After all, she is one of my best friends. Normally, I would confide in her, and lying to her isn’t something I feel comfortable with, but I still haven’t come to terms with all of this. Until I do, I want to keep it to myself.

Lex and Haden walk in, breaking the conversation. I leap off the stool to kiss Lex hello on the cheek before grabbing a bowl and helping Charlie to the main table.

Throughout dinner, Lex, Haden, and myself talk about Indie Press while the kids surprisingly eat quietly beside us.

When it comes to business, Lex is a shark. Nobody messes with him, and it shows in his success. His only soft spot is his family. Charlie has that man wrapped around her little finger. High school sweethearts turned ex’s turned forbidden lovers turned happily ever after. At least—that’s how she described them.

Charlie’s law firm is handling all the legalities, so she had a keen interest in the matter, voicing her opinion where it matters.

“Are you reducing headcount or are we keeping their staff on?” Charlie asks.

Haden wipes his mouth then takes a sip of his beer.

“Still determining who is worth retaining. The Chief Editor is nice, a bit headstrong and opinionated. Don’t think she thinks highly of me. However, Presley can be the judge of that since she’ll be working closely with her.”

“As long as she doesn’t want in your pants, I think I can handle her.”

Haden and Lex snicker at the same time, a personal joke I’m yet to unravel.

“She’s coming down in a few weeks once it all goes through, but I’m not worried about that. She’s um… prefers her own kind.”

“A vagetarian?” Charlie blurts out, shrugging her shoulders as Lex shakes his head in amusement.

Haden hides his laugh behind his bottle. “To that effect, I guess so.”

Lex holds a bottle of wine in his hands, offering to fill my glass.

I go to thank him, watching him pour the Penfolds Grange. Bringing the glass to my lips, I stop just shy of drinking, realizing I shouldn’t be consuming any alcohol. Another reason why pregnancy is no walk in the park.

The second I put the wine down, Charlie’s mouth falls open. She knows me too well. I scratch the back of my neck, warning her with my eyes not to say anything as they direct themselves to Haden.

“Will you excuse Presley and me, I really want to show her a dress in my closet?”

The boys say nothing, still deep in heavy conversation about the business. The kids, desperate to leave the table, use the opportunity to run back to whatever they were previously doing.

I smile, careful not to let my emotions slip, and place my napkin on the table as I follow Charlie toward the bedroom. She pulls me into the den instead, shutting the door quickly behind her.

Throwing her arms around me, she brings me into a tight embrace.

“Congratulations!”

She squeezes me tight, again, before distancing herself with a grin she’s unable to contain. I always envy Charlie’s stunning good looks. Not once have I seen a wrinkle, or God forbid, a blemish. Absolutely flawless skin. Even when she’s tired, she still looks amazing. When I’m tired, my whole face sags like a weathered peach.

“Tell me everything.”

“There’s nothing to tell besides Haden not knowing.”

Charlie narrows her eyes in confusion. “I don’t understand, why haven’t you told him? He wants another kid. He tells Lex that all the time.”

“Because… I haven’t, okay?”

“Pres, what’s wrong? You should be happy. Masen is almost five, and it’s time to give him a sibling.”

Right, I should be happy. I should be over the fucking moon because that’s what everyone will want me to be. Yet inside, I beg for it to all go away. I want things back to the way they were before this nightmare began.

“You’re right.” I press my lips, forcing a smile. “It must be the hormones. Listen, we should get back.”

Charlie eyes me dubiously. She’d been a close friend for years, a person I can always rely on. But she is also a mother, a woman who has strong beliefs when it comes to family. I don’t need her judgment. I don’t need any one’s judgment because I have my own personal prison which I so desperately want to escape from.

Back at the table, Charlie serves dessert before we call it a night and say goodbye. She suggests we catch up for lunch this Friday, which I agree, not to raise any more concerns on her behalf.

It’s late when we get back home, and assuming Masen’s exhaustion from running around will have him easily settled in his own bed, I am very wrong.

He cries, overtired and irrational with his pleas. Haden grows impatient, allowing him in our bed. I would normally step in, encourage Masen to return to his bed because he is a big boy, but not tonight.

I welcome the solitude.

In fact, I crave it.

Alone, on the couch, I lay awake for the second night in a row. My hands carelessly wander to my stomach. It will only be a matter of time until the charade is up and everyone, including Haden, will find out.

And that will soon become a cold, harsh reality.

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