Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Rosie

I’d been sendingmessages whenever I could through my shift, and tried to call Mum on my break, but my call went to voicemail and my messages showed as unread.

I raced back home as soon as I could, praying I’d intercept her, but it was too late. Our apartment door was unlocked, and Mum was already inside, devastated. She had tears rolling down her cheeks, breaths hitching as she sat next to Trisha on the sofa, both of them with glasses of wine in their hands.

I dropped my bag and crouched by Mum’s side.

“Hey.”

“Julian doesn’t want me!”

My stomach lurched when I heard the pain in her voice.

I put my hand on her knee. “He hardly knows you yet. And you’re drunk.”

Trisha shook her head, like she was the wise one.

“It doesn’t make any difference,” she said. “He was a twat to her. An absolute prick.”

“How?”

“He practically slammed the door in her face.”

That sounded like rubbish to me. It really didn’t seem his style.

“Did Julian slam the door in your face, Mum?”

Mum sucked in a breath. “No… not exactly… he just. He didn’t want me there. It was so obvious it was embarrassing.”

“Yeah. Practically slammed the door on you,” Trisha repeated.

I hated her being so self-righteous. I’d have put money on the fact she’d been cheering Mum on every step of the way.

“The guy is such an asshole,” she carried on. “No wonder they call him fucked up. Arrogant tosser.”

Really, of all the times in my life that I’d wanted to tell Trisha to piss off, this felt like the worst of them. It was her who hadn’t given a shit when I was screaming. It was Julian who’d come racing to save us.

I focused on Mum.

“I’m sure he thinks you’re great, he’s probably just… I dunno…”

“A wanker,” Trisha finished for me. “He’s a wanker, Rosie. Everyone knows it. They say he’s a perv who likes young girls, anyway. Your mum’s probably way too old for that freak.”

I burnt up, skin prickling. Her words too close for comfort. Luckily, she was too drunk to notice.

“Fucking asshole,” she said. “He’s nothing but shit on a shoe, insulting your mum like that.”

Like hell he was. Insulting my mum was the very opposite of what he’d been doing.

I felt weirdly defensive of Julian, but things would get a whole lot worse if me and Trisha ended up rowing. I forced myself to stay calm. Trisha’s views on Julian meant nothing. Her views on anything meant nothing.

I took the foil wrapped pizza from my bag, eyes still on Mum. “I’ve got you some food. I doubt you’ve eaten, right?”

Mum shook her head. No, she hadn’t. Surprise.

“Pizza sounds great,” Trisha said, and again, I wished she’d just fuck the hell off.

I’d only just got to my feet when Mum started up with her self-hatred. It always stabbed me deep, hating how much she hated herself. She didn’t deserve it. I’d meant everything I’d said to Julian. Mum’s heart was in the right place, even if she didn’t believe it.

“If I was better looking, he’d have let me in,” she said to Trisha, blanking me out. “I thought this dress looked good enough on me, but I was wrong. I look shit in it.”

I got the pizza slices ready for the microwave but had to brace myself against the counter, frustrated. I’d heard Mum’s different mantras all my life.

Not smart enough. Not hot enough. Not good enough.

Too dumb. Too ugly. Too weak. Too pathetic. Too useless.

Too worthless for anyone to love…

But I loved her. ME. I loved her with everything I had.

“You’re better off without him, Bev,” I heard Trisha say. “There’s never any smoke without fire. He’s called a sicko for a reason. He probably hangs out at school gates. Fucking paedo.”

I’d love to know just who said Julian was a sicko, and what he’d done to earn their crappy judgement. He hardly seemed like a criminal to me. This whole place was full of idiots, with their own reels of bullshit to add to everything.

I pulled myself together enough to heat the pizza slices, then presented them on a plate. Mum ignored it, still streaming depressive tears and preferring wine, but Trisha tucked in with a thanks. I had no interest in eating with her.

Neither of them acknowledged me as I walked away.

I took off my cap and laid on my bed, staring up at the ceiling as my mind ran through the craziness. If only Mum had replied to my messages, or answered my call, maybe I could have stalled her. Maybe she wouldn’t have gone up there. But this sorry mess wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my decision to go upstairs trashed, trying to seduce a guy I barely knew.

I’d usually be right in there with Mum, sobbing alongside her, but for once, I wasn’t entirely on her side.

I screwed my eyes shut as a fresh round of sobs sounded from the living room. You’d think Mum would have been more devastated by her ex-boyfriend trying to strangle her than she would by a guy saying no, thank you to a date, but no. It didn’t change the fact Mum was Mum, though. It didn’t change the fact that I cared about her more than life itself.

I was grateful when Trisha upped and left at just gone midnight, telling Mum that Julian was a sicko again on her way. Mum was still sitting on the sofa, staring into miserable space as I locked us in and bolted the door.

I took a seat beside her.

“It’s only one night. You might still get to know him.”

You’d have thought the outcome was set in stone from the way she shook her head.

“It’s obvious he doesn’t think I’m good enough. He doesn’t want to get to know me, and I don’t blame him.”

“You don’t know that. You can’t know that yet,” I said. “If you’d have answered my calls earlier, I would’ve said it wasn’t a great idea to go charging up there after one single night.”

She looked so hurt. “Oh, right. So, I’m in the wrong now, am I? I’m not good enough and shouldn’t have even tried?”

I wanted to shake her. Seriously wanted to shake her. It was another case of her being the lovestruck teenager while I tried to be the parent, and tonight I’d had enough.

“I’m going to bed,” I said. “I’ve got another shift in the morning.”

She looked shocked. “You’re leaving me?”

“I’m not leaving you. I’m going to bed. Maybe you should get some sleep too. You’ve got work earlier than me.”

“I won’t be going. I’m too upset to handle it. I’ll be up all night, with nobody with me. Story of my fucking miserable life.”

That was utter crap. I was always there with her.

I sighed. “Go to bed, Mum.”

“I won’t be able to sleep.”

“Please, Mum. Just go to bed.”

“There’s no point. I feel too fucking shit.”

My usual sweet self would be right there beside her, doing whatever it took to make her happy, but for once, I left her to it. I gave her a hug before I left, but she barely hugged me back, her lip trembling with the heartache. I almost wobbled with my resolve but I couldn’t. I needed to be ok for work. I needed to bring the cash in, for both of us.

I checked the bathroom cabinet carefully for packets of meds as I brushed my teeth. Mum hadn’t used the threat in years, but it still made me paranoid whenever I saw her crying. There were only a few painkillers and some indigestion pills, but I never wanted to take any chances. I took them with me to my bedroom.

In all honesty, I stood no more chance of sleeping tonight than she did. My stomach was churning with hurt, and fear, and guilt. My thoughts spun with how I could have tried harder to prepare the way for her, but I came back to my senses at that. I’d tried hard enough with Julian. He just wasn’t interested in Mum, especially not when she was stumbling drunk after a pub session.

I’d been so caught up in how upset she was tonight that I’d barely given my own feelings a hearing. I pictured him standing there in the doorway earlier, and his words came slamming back to me.

It’s not your mother I’m going to be wanting, Rosie, it’s you.

Trisha was probably talking absolute bullshit about the school gates allegation, but there was no doubt that the man upstairs liked younger women. He’d told me so, and his eyes had been fixed so hard on mine as he’d said it. So honest.

It shouldn’t give me tingles. It shouldn’t make my heart race, and my skin prickle, and my mouth turn dry. He was too old for me. Way, way too old. And even if I did want him, he wouldn’t take it. No way. I’d disappoint him like hell. I’d never even kissed a guy before, let alone one thirty years older than me. I’d have no idea what to do.

I’d want to find out, though…

Fuck. I shouldn’t be thinking like that, not with Mum crying next door.

I wondered what it would be like, to have sex with a man like Julian. I wondered how he’d stare at me if I stripped naked for him, and what he looked like under his suit. I wondered what his cock would look like… if the romantic filth I read and listened to on audio was telling the truth…

I hoped so. I’d love to live out even one of those scenes in real life.

Mum was still heartbroken, but I couldn’t stop myself. The memory of Julian’s words was too strong, and too heated, and the strength in the way he’d thrown Scottie across the room was too intense to ignore. Plus, I wanted the distraction. I needed the distraction.

It’s not your mother I’m going to be wanting, Rosie, it’s you.

There was no denying it… I wanted him, too. I wanted a saviour, who stood out like a romance novel hero. I wanted the man who’d saved my mother.

My panties were wet as I hitched my skirt up, and my clit was sparking the second I touched it. My imagination was alive with thoughts of Julian. His intense green eyes, and his strong hands and the way he stood so tall. His voice… so rich, so polished.

The way he said cunt with such a beautiful accent.

I was desperate to know how a guy like him would fuck a girl like me. What would his voice sound like, and what would he say? Would he be like one of the crazy hot narrators I adored?

He’d probably be even hotter.

I came fast, muffling myself with a pillow, because I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have played. I needed to keep away from him like he’d told me to – for Mum’s sake as well as mine. So, why taunt myself with fantasies?

Just a shame there were so many fantasies at my disposal. Damn it.

I called up social media and checked out the book groups I was a member of. I asked for dirty age gap recommendations in an anonymous post, and the advice came flooding in from loads of filthy romance bookworms. The list was incredible. My ears were already desperate for the audio. I typed out thank yous and added books to my playlist at lightning speed, setting one up right away. I couldn’t help myself.

Mum was huddled up in the foetal position when I found her asleep in front of the TV next morning. I cleared up the pizza plate and got some porridge ready, waking her up with a gentle shake. I got a huge rush of sympathy as I looked at her, and I’d have sat there all day if I had the chance. My resolve from last night had broken.

“Eat up,” I said as I handed the bowl over, but she placed it next to her with nothing more than a token thanks.

I doubted she’d be eating it, but I had no time to encourage her. I had to get to work.

“Are you going to be alright?” I asked, and she nodded at me, rubbing her tired eyes.

“I’ll survive.”

I hoped so.

I worked my butt off that weekend, but I was hanging out with Mum every chance I had. Around that, with every other chance I had, I was enjoying audio and ebook filth from red hot online recommendations. I convinced myself that book heroes were plenty good enough, burying myself in fantasy and nothing more as I stayed away from saviour Julian, checking he was out of sight every time I left the apartment. I resisted the urge to look up at his window and see if he was standing there smoking, and I tried to keep my thoughts clear of him, because he was just the man upstairs and nothing more.

Mum did ok with picking herself up. Within a week she was smiling and sitting at the table with me for dinner. She was back at work, and enjoying TV, and she even got her crochet kit out to make a hat for cute little Ramsay. I loved seeing her like that, grinning when a show made her laugh. I’d sit and laugh along with her.

I prayed this time it would last, and she’d settle into a life which didn’t have Scott in it, but within three weeks she seemed to be getting preoccupied, messages pinging in constantly on her phone. She always tilted the screen away from me when she opened them, so it became obvious. As much as I hated it, it had to be him. There had been no begging from Jayden in days, and he’d been keeping his distance, since his dad clearly didn’t need my help anymore.

“Don’t do it, please,” I said to Mum before I left for work on Friday evening. But my words were wasted. She was already dressed up in her Zaza’s purple dress.

“Don’t do what?” she asked, and that sealed the deal for me. Her pretend ignorance confirmed it.

I was almost out of the door when she cleared her throat in the hallway.

“Me and Trish will probably be hanging out here late tonight, so maybe you could stay with one of your work friends? You haven’t seen them in ages. Or your college ones. How about them?”

She was clutching at straws, because I hadn’t been around the pizza house gang for months now on a night out. And as for my college friends, well. I barely even knew what they did on the weekends.

“I’ll come home,” I told her. “Don’t worry, I’ll have my book on, like always. I’ll set the volume up high.”

She looked so uncomfortable it hurt.

“You’ve got work so early though…” she tried. “I’d hate to keep you up like that.”

“I’ll be fine,” I said, and left her behind.

I had ten unread messages when I left work and set off for home later that evening. All of them came with a warning.

It’s going to be loud here, love, sleep over somewhere.

Go out and have fun, Rosie, and get an early night somewhere else.

We might not hear you. It’s going to be a loud one.

On and on they went.

I didn’t reply, anger already rising as I marched up the street. I dashed up the stairs to scope out just how far the situation had gone, but when I turned my key in the lock the door stayed shut. I elbowed it, but it didn’t shift an inch.

It was bolted.

“Mum!”

The music turned up louder, and I could have burst into tears on the spot.

She was probably dancing around the living room with the guy who made her life hell. I was so enraged I could have killed him. He was that pitiful, it made me feel sick.

Another message pinged through to my phone, which almost drove me crazy. If I’d had more strength, I would have kicked my way in there.

You could head over to Jayden’s tonight, sweetheart. He’d love to see you and could make up the spare bed. Or go to Trisha’s? She’s only down the hall. x

She knew I knew Scottie was in there, but she didn’t care. She was so desperate for attention, so needy for someone to love her, that she’d rather shunt me aside than tell him goodbye.

I didn’t want to go to Jayden’s, and I didn’t want to hang out with my pizza friends, or my college friends, and I definitely didn’t want to sculk down the corridor to Trisha’s place. She’d have been in on Scott worming his way back into Mum’s heart from the very first message.

I slid to the floor with my back to the door, fighting back the tears, because I didn’t want them. I needed to be the strong one, not the hurt one. Mum would have plenty of hurt coming her way.

I put my earbuds in, but tonight books meant nothing to me. I had my eyes closed for ages, trying to focus, and must have been there for way over an hour when I felt a shadow over my face.

I tugged myself free from audio, heart suddenly racing when I saw just who it was. His tie was loose, and his hair was ruffled, and I could smell the whisky right the way down from the floor.

“Are you ok, Rosie?”

The bass was still thumping out from my apartment, but I shrugged and dropped my eyes.

He’d told me to stay away from him, so I would stick to it.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Julian gestured to my door.

“Is he in there?”

I didn’t want to confess the obvious, so I shrugged again.

“I don’t know. She’s in there with someone.”

The man upstairs didn’t even humour my lie.

“Have you got nowhere else to go to stay away from him?”

“What does it matter? He’ll still be here in the morning.”

Julian crouched down, right in front of me.

“It matters a lot.”

I couldn’t help but crack a hurt grin.

“Yeah, sure it does. Don’t worry, I’m used to it by now.”

He looked so pissed off, I felt it in my gut.

“Is there nowhere else you can go? Nobody who’ll let you stay?”

Fuck dropping my eyes, because I couldn’t – the pull from his was just too strong. I looked right into his stare, hating how the tears sprang up before I could stop them. They’d be obvious, even behind my glasses under shitty lights.

“No,” I admitted. “There isn’t. Nowhere else I want to be.”

He looked up and down the corridor, face tormented like he was battling some inner demons.

I sure didn’t push him, just sat there, resigned to being there all night long.

I expected a goodbye when he got to his feet, but there wasn’t one. He gestured upstairs, instead. “You need to stay safe,” he said. “So, you’d best come along with me.”