Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Rosie

I always tookas many pizza shifts as I could around college, feeling way more secure when a semi-decent amount of cash landed in my account at the end of every month, but when I woke up that morning – sorry, afternoon – cosy in Julian’s new bedding, I didn’t want to leave.

I was still in my PJs when I reached my saviour’s living room, quiet as I crept in far enough to see him snoozing on the sofa. He had one of his new pillows under his head, but he was still in his suit, with no blanket to keep him warm, just his jacket draped over him. Such a contrast to the luxury he’d put me in.

I got tickles in my stomach as I remembered how good it had felt in his arms as I cried. Oh, how I’d love to squeeze up to him on the chesterfield and feel his arm draped over me, but even more, how I’d love to take his hand and pull him into his bedroom. And then what? Cuddle up to him? Snuggle up tight? Or more…?

The clench of my thighs gave me the answer.

I took a breath, still staring at him.

My emotions were calmer in the light, resigned to Scottie being back with Mum. The fear was still there though, lurking in the shadows, but Julian’s sleeping face had me transfixed.

Things would be ok. He’d told me so. I didn’t know how, or when, or why Julian would help me solve the situation, but I knew he would.

Relief was a beautiful thing – something I wasn’t usually blessed with.

I didn’t want to disturb my sleeping hero just yet, so I backed away.

I grabbed my clothes for the day, and I helped myself to a towel from the shelf in his wardrobe, caught up in a fresh round of flutters at the sight of the closed drawer underneath them. I could recall the dirty pictures and the filthy toys that lay hidden in there with perfect vision. My curiosity was growing, not waning, and my need for Julian – the filthy man upstairs – was hyping up on overdrive… hence why once again I didn’t lock the bathroom door behind me, just in case.

I couldn’t hold back a grin when I pulled back the shower curtain, because woah, oh my God. There was no way Julian needed the bottles of coconut shampoo and conditioner that had appeared on the shelf, and he definitely didn’t need the three-minute hair mask. Somehow, I also struggled to imagine him using bubble gum scented body wash, but there they all were – lined up on the rack that had previously been empty.

I stripped off my PJs, and stepped under the flow, examining the bottles one by one as I used them. They were great, and my hair felt fresh and smooth as I washed it clean. He’d picked well for me.

I was still in there when a knock came at the bathroom door. I almost leapt out of my skin as Julian’s voice sounded out, loud enough to hear over the water.

“I bought a spare toothbrush, just in case you needed one. It’s in the drawer under the sink.”

What else could I say, other than a meek little thank you? I couldn’t exactly wrench the door off its hinges and pull him into my arms with frantic kisses of gratitude.

Or could I?

Maybe other girls would do…

I got out of the shower as quickly as I could, glad to use the new toothbrush. I was dressed, looking at least semi human again when I found Julian in the kitchen. He was watching me as I carried on towelling my hair dry.

“How did you know I like coconut?” I asked, and he looked over at me with a smirk.

“Your hair usually smells of coconut. It was an easy choice.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I love coconut.”

“Excellent. My choices were warranted.”

I kept towelling my hair. “What scents do you like? For yourself?”

“Maybe you’ll find out someday, if I buy myself some cologne.”

“Are you going to?”

He flicked the kettle on. There were already two mugs on the counter.

“I don’t feel quite so warranted in providing for myself as I do for other people.” He put teabags in the mugs.

“You don’t smell bad at all,” I told him, but he laughed as he poured the boiling water.

“I’m well aware that I smell of cigarette smoke, Rosie. It isn’t something most people find all that… enticing.”

Enticing. I wondered if he meant his choice of word.

“I don’t mind it,” I said. “I like the way you smell.”

“Let’s see if you maintain that if and when you have the scent of cologne to compare it with. I think you may be surprised by the difference.”

He spooned me two sugars.

I don’t think I’d ever smelt cologne on someone before. I was used to cigarette smoke and mainstream deodorant. No big deal.

I finished towelling my hair as he splashed the milk into our drinks.

“Where shall I put this?” I asked, with the towel in my hands.

He shrugged. “That depends on if you’re planning on using it again. If you are, then feel free to drape it to dry. If not, please put it into the washing machine.”

I hung it straight over the door, without a second’s pause. His words struck me. How could they not? If I was planning on using it again, then he expected me here… and if he expected me here, then I’d be around him… and if I was around him and what he’d meant at the door that night was true, then…

“You look lost in thought,” he said, handing me my tea. He leant back against the counter, his bright green eyes on mine as he carried on talking. “You needn’t be worried. I meant what I said. You are safe here, and you’re not on your own as you battle your predicament. Not any longer.”

That wasn’t where my mind was at, though. It was on him, and the way his tie fell, and the unkempt salt and pepper of his hair. His perfect-toothed smile, and his natural calmness, even in these circumstances. And then my mind whirred through some more, at lightning speed. Through the things I’d stumbled across in his wardrobe drawer, and the heat between my thighs, all my fantasies spinning in me. I couldn’t fight it, and I didn’t want to. My senses were running insane.

Almost all of my life I’d been a shrinking violet, too scared of pushing boundaries to get what I wanted, but another look into Julian’s gorgeous green eyes that morning had me desperate. For once I needed to pluck up the courage to be daring. To be risqué. To be… sexy.

I’d heard about it a thousand times over, from book heroines. I’d seen it in Mum, in person. The way she’d smile and flutter her eyes. The way she’d position herself for Scottie, as a promise of what lay ahead in the bedroom. So, I tried to emulate it. Kind of. I bit my lip, trying not to look awkward as hell as I twisted my body to the side. I hoped my tight, white work top would show off my tits. What little I had of them. Shame he couldn’t see the lace of my bra underneath…

Julian noticed the difference in those few tiny seconds, straightening up and putting his mug back on the counter.

“What would you like to eat?” he asked me, as a clear distraction. “I know your work shift starts soon, so I’ll get my chef hat on.”

It didn’t start for another ninety minutes, but his tone said a lot. I’d have taken his response as an ultimate no and rebuttal if I hadn’t seen him suck in a breath behind his fake innocent smile.

He opened the fridge.

“I have eggs. Smoked bacon, too. And the best Cumberland sausages. Would you enjoy a full English breakfast on a Sunday afternoon?”

“I’d love one, thank you.”

“Excellent,” he said, then gestured me through to the living room. “Make yourself at home at the dining table. I know it’s a poor excuse for one, but it will accommodate the two of us, I’m sure.”

I’d barely noticed the table before, it had been wedged in a corner under a stack of newspapers, but it was positioned differently when I headed back in with my mug of tea. I took a seat as he’d suggested, still running through options in my mind.

Did I carry on with the seduction route? Giggles and eye flutters? Maybe some more lip biting? I couldn’t imagine it would look authentic, but maybe it would state the obvious. Did I try to find the courage to talk about it directly? Bring up a conversation about his words that night at the door?

It’s not your mother I’m going to be wanting, Rosie. It’s you.

It felt like I was there a lifetime, mulling things over, listening to the pans sizzling as Julian made our food. Part of me wanted to go back in there and keep chatting, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to turn the conversation too… ordinary.

When he arrived and presented the two plates they were like a dream. Everything from mushrooms, to hash browns, to black pudding.

“Wow,” I said, and he smiled wide.

“I’m glad you’re impressed. I really did used to be quite the chef, once upon a time. I do enjoy cooking.”

I could see that.

I tucked in, still holding back my words as my eyes kept flitting over to him. It was obvious after a minute or two that he was avoiding meeting my gaze.

“This is delicious,” I said, and he smiled again.

“Thank you.”

“No, thank you.”

“You are more than welcome.”

Still, Julian wouldn’t meet my gaze. He ate his food, and drank his mug of tea, smiling but not speaking. Holding back. And I got a twist in my stomach, a fear and a knowing, that if I didn’t address this – if I didn’t at least try, then we’d fall into a pattern. Him taking care of me, closing me off as nothing more than a girl downstairs who needed looking after.

That wasn’t what I wanted. I needed to try.

We ate in silence, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, just a little tense. I felt something brewing in me. It needed to. I tried to make my voice sound confident when I spoke.

“I really love being eighteen, you know. It gives me loads more freedom. For so long I was just a kid, and felt like one, but now things are different. I’m different.”

I was sure what I’d just said sounded dumb. I felt my cheeks warming and I wondered if he could see right through me.

“Rosie, eighteen is far too young to understand what situation you may be stepping into. The age gap between us is just too big to explore.”

Yes, of course he could see right through me. Our eyes met, his burning with what I’m certain was lust. I burned up some more, must have looked like a frightened rabbit.

My words came on instinct.

“No, it’s not too big. It doesn’t matter. If you want it, that is. Because… I do. I want it.”

He looked away, picking up his mug.

“Believe me. I do have… inclinations, as I told you before. But they wouldn’t be ethical. I can assure you of that. You’ll thank me for my restraint when you look back on it.”

The shrinking violet in me could have taken over, reverting back to chatter about food, and my work shift looming, but I couldn’t let this go. I wanted to say so much more.

“You don’t know that,” I said.

He put his mug down and looked me in the eyes.

“Have you had sex, Rosie? Tell me. What experience do you have to judge this by?”

He had me at that. I had none, and it was obvious.

“Have you ever kissed anyone?”

“Yes,” I said, because I had. Once. A quick kiss with sloppy tongues with an older boy at the park when I was fourteen. I hadn’t seen him again. He’d only been visiting his uncle.

“Really? Tell me about it.”

I couldn’t tell him the truth, it would be laughable, so I finished up the rest of my toast.

Julian picked up my plate as soon as I was done, stacking it on top of his. He was out of his seat and on his way back through to the kitchen before I could speak.

“Get ready for your shift. You’ll have to leave soon.”

He was right, but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t stop my heart pounding. I couldn’t stop the need to tell him he was wrong about me. That I was ready. That I wanted him. I wanted to be the girl in those photos. I wanted to use the things in his drawer.

I heard the tap come on in the kitchen and cursed under my breath. I wished I was more confident. Maybe then, I could stride in there and grab hold of him and show him I was a woman, not just a virgin in glasses.

I got ready as quicky as I could in the bedroom. All I needed was a taste of it. Just one little teaser that things could spark between me and Julian, on whatever level he’d let them.

Luckily, I had a lip gloss stashed in the bottom of my bag. I put it on, making sure my hair was still a loose tumble in the wardrobe mirror. Sexy.

Ok, cool.

I crammed everything back into my bag, ready to leave, and made sure the bed was made up perfectly.

Julian was waiting for me in the hallway. I almost started when I saw him there, standing tall.

“Please, don’t take this as a rejection,” he said, sounding horribly final. “That truly isn’t the case. This is an untenable situation. I have sides to me that you just don’t know. Sides you wouldn’t want to know. You’re a beautiful young girl with your own world to explore, and I’ll be here to help you on many levels. We can be friends, don’t worry.”

That word was enough to stab. So clichéd.

Friends.

We can be friends.

The phrase fired me up. I didn’t want to be friends with him. I wanted to be the dirty girl in the photos, and I could take it, if only he’d let me.

I dropped my backpack on the floor, somehow managing to find the strength of confession.

“I have sides to me, too,” I said, then launched into a stream. “I looked in your wardrobe drawer, Julian. I shouldn’t have done, but I was curious when I was taking one of your shirts out. I saw the pictures, and I saw the toys. I do know those sides of you, and it doesn’t make me want it any less. It makes me want it more. I’m not as innocent as I look. I’m not a little baby who doesn’t know what sex, and smut, and kink is. I love that stuff. I listen to dirty romance audio and read filthy ebooks all the time, whenever I can, and I know I can do it. I can be dirty, too. That’s what I want. I want to be dirty.”

My monologue came to an end, and his eyes were hard on mine.

“You’re innocent. Much more innocent than you realise. Treasure it. It’s a beautiful thing.”

“I’m not!” I said. “I promise you, I’m not!”

I wasn’t expecting the move he made. He was like a snake striking fast as he stepped up close and backed me up against the wall. My eyes must have been like saucers behind my glasses as I felt the heat from him. I gasped as he put a finger under my chin and tipped my face up, my whole body was thrumming with nerves.

I’d always imagined this kind of situation would lead to a kiss, but Julian didn’t kiss me. There was a deep, burning edge to his stare. This sure wasn’t hearts and flowers, it was far closer to one of my filthy stories, and it was ten times more intense than I’d imagined. It was enough to knock me sideways.

I was shaking as I stood there before him, my knees feeling so weak they could buckle.

“As I told you, you are innocent,” he said, his voice low. “Far too innocent.”

I couldn’t counter it. The heat from him burnt too much for me to say a word.

“Innocent,” he repeated, and I was still locked in his stare.

I whimpered as he pushed his thumb inside my mouth without so much as a hint of a warning. My hands made to move up on instinct, but they dithered as his thumb played with my tongue. His eyes were boring into mine as he explored my mouth. His thumb was probing, rough… dirty, and I felt self-conscious, my breaths fluttering as he pulled out and ran his wet thumb across my lips.

I was unsure what the hell to do. I felt the opposite of some kind of sex goddess. I was a world away from smirking sexily and pulling him close for more.

He read me. His smile said it all.

“Time for you to get to work,” he said and stepped away, the moment gone.

I couldn’t argue. I daren’t. I was a bundle of nerves as I picked up my bag from the floor.

“Ok,” I said. “I’ll… see you later. If that’s ok.”

“Of course,” he said. “That’s more than ok. We still have your situation to resolve. You’ll be very safe here.”

Very safe.

I’d blown it. I felt like a gawky idiot as I dashed out of there. I knew he’d be watching me from the window as I walked away from the block. I was in plenty of time for work, but marched on a mission, trying to get out of view.

I’d fucked up.

I’d blown my chances.

I’d acted like the innocent little girl he’d expected me to be. I was so fucked off with myself, I could scream.

I thought I’d resigned myself to the obvious by the time I began my shift. Me and Julian were heading nowhere. That might have been true if it wasn’t a busy Sunday evening and I wasn’t in and out of the kitchen, helping the front of house staff.

It was getting towards closing time when I saw Sarah Brown and Lucinda Morris arrive at the counter with Mark and Evan Reynolds in tow. The girls were so confident, flirting, and giggling. Moving against the guys so naturally as they reached out for them. It was obvious those two knew what they were doing, yeah, but they were no older than me. In fact, I think Lucinda was younger, but it wasn’t holding her back.

Why should it hold me back? Why should goofing up once set the scene between me and Julian for ever? I couldn’t undo how nervous I’d been, no, but I could repair the damage of wide eyes and unsteady legs. I could at least try. I had to.

I was still pumped as I grabbed my coat at the end of shift and set off back to Crenham. I stopped on the corner before our block came into view, opening my backpack to shove my cap in there. Then I pulled my hair loose, trying my best to fluff it up before I became visible. I somehow knew that Julian would be watching out of his window with a cigarette in his mouth.

Time to go. I stepped into view and headed for the gate, not once looking up to see if he was there. I didn’t care all that much for checking the corridors were empty as I made my way upstairs. I dashed past my apartment door and practically leapt up the next flight, determined. I rapped my knuckles against the door of apartment six, holding onto my nerves as tightly as I possibly could do – the image of Lucinda and Sarah still in my mind.

Confidence.

Julian smiled naturally when he opened the door. His dark gaze was all gone, and he was perfectly composed as he welcomed me in, but I couldn’t just go along with it.

“Good day?” he said.

I didn’t answer his question.

It was my turn to make the move this time.

I threw my backpack to the floor as soon as he’d closed the door, and pushed him up against the wall in the hallway, just like he had me. I stared up at him with utter authenticity, true to the sensations I was feeling inside.

“Rosie–” he began, but I didn’t give him the chance to finish.

I grabbed his hand from his side and raised it to my mouth, and then – with my eyes still fixed on his – I sucked on his thumb like the dirty little bitch I wanted to be.