Chapter Thirty-Seven

Kit

EARLIER TODAY

"Are you ready?" Nina is behind the camera. The face of my best friend is the best possible prompt for total and complete honesty.

"No?" I say it like a question. She cackles.

"I have a shot of tequila waiting for you as soon as you're done."

I adjust in my chair, fluffing my hair and doing a few simple inhale/exhales to calm my nerves. I shake my body out and shuffle the deck of cards in front of me. The act has become more of a confirmation of my intentions, and less of a method to manage my mental health. But it's still reassuring no matter why I do it.

"Do you think she'll see it?" Nina asks.

"I can't think about that right now or I might throw up."

Swoosh swoosh swoosh. A card pops out. My hand hovers over it but I already know what it's going to be. Flip.

The Lovers.

I close my eyes, clutching the card.

"Ready."

"Three, two, one, rolling…"

I open my eyes, taking a beat before I start to speak.

"Hi, there, lights and loves," I say, impressed with the ease in my voice. "It's me, Mystic Maven, and I know it's been a while. I hope the universe has been treating you well and that karma is your friend. I've been quiet here—well, I've been quiet everywhere. Makes me think of that Taylor Swift lyric— Nobody's heard from me for months. I'm doing better than I ever was ."

I take a deep inhale. Fuck. This is harder than I thought it would be.

"But even Taylor had to come out of hiding, and if she can do it, so can I." I touch the ends of my hair, twisting them nervously. "I wanted to stay away at first because every time I saw the video—you all know which video I mean—my anxiety would spike, adrenaline would flood my system, my heart rate would shoot up so fast I got scared it would never settle back down. I've had panic attacks since my late teens, but they got really bad in college. That's actually how I got into tarot at first. It helped me understand my emotions and gave me a sense of control in a world where very little felt like it was happening on my terms."

My eyes drift away from the camera. "I guess that's a story for a different day.

"As you can tell from the title of this video, I'm here to tell you—this community of beautiful souls—a story. My story. My way. On my terms. No one should have the moment of coming out taken from their control. No one should have to see themselves all over social media sharing a moment they thought was private. The person who posted that video did so without my permission, but something that they meant to harm me—and, in no small way, harm her—"

Julia.

"—empowered me instead."

I look directly into the camera.

"So here it is. Here I am." I tighten my hand around the tarot card. "I'm happy to say, out loud, that I am bi."

There it is. Nina does a cheer off camera, waving a little bi flag I had no idea she brought with her. I feel the corner of my lip edge up.

Calling myself bi feels right, right now . The more I learn about my own sexuality, the more I see my own queerness through the lens of a rainbow spectrum.

The more I know that my experience is mine alone.

Mine to understand. Mine to approve. Mine to feel.

All mine.

"Wow, that feels so good to say. I know a lot of you will wonder how I knew, or when. I've always known on some level, but until recently, I was terrified to act on my feelings. And even when I did, I was mortified that someone would find out and it would change who I was to them. I wouldn't be able to get that back—I wouldn't be me anymore, even though my queerness is an integral part of what makes me me .

"When that video went viral, I didn't have a choice to keep it a secret anymore. But I wasn't going to let that define what I did next. I wasn't going to react. I wasn't going to hide. I wanted to listen to my own heart, get sure of what it wanted. Because no matter what you saw in that video, it wasn't the whole story, and it definitely wasn't my voice telling it."

Now for the scariest part.

This always works in the movies. The speech. We all know it well. Right now, a montage is playing in our heads of all our favorites. Adam on the plane in The Wedding Singer . Julia in the bookshop in Notting Hill .

And, of course, the original.

Harry Burns on New Year's Eve pouring out his heart to a weepy, permed-to-perfection Sally Albright.

It's iconic for a reason. Essential to the plot.

Only my love interest isn't here. So, yeah, I really hope she sees this.

"From here on out, I reclaim the narrative. My queerness isn't something I'm scared of anymore and I'm not hiding from it. That means that I have something I need to say to the woman who danced with me that night and who in every way is worth risking it all to be with."

I lock eyes with the camera, pretending I'm locking eyes with Julia.

"My Twin Flame, I'm done running. I'm done being a version of myself that isn't the whole picture. I miss you like mad. I want you so bad. I'm ready to find you again, if you're ready to find me."

Now my heart races for an entirely different reason.

Adrenaline I want. Hope that I believe in.