Chapter Twenty-Five

Kit

It took me a solid hour to recover from making out with the wedding planner.

The playfulness and ease were almost as incredible as all the other sensations: the heat of arousal radiating through my abdomen, thawing out forgotten and ignored parts of my soul, reminding me how easy it is for my body to respond to attraction when I'm not trying to tamp down the reaction.

I thought about digging in the Sexy Times bag and utilizing that oh-so-portable, perfectly pocket-sized gadget, but as much as I love—and advocate for—self pleasure, I also know how good it will feel when I get there with Julia.

Again.

And not in the fumbling, terrified, can we really do this way we did when we were eighteen. Not just with our hands. Not with my fear of what it meant hanging over our heads, coloring the experience with shame and confusion. I can't change how I felt then, or what those feelings led me to do after, but I don't have to repeat those missteps now.

I don't have to be afraid of my queerness.

I don't have to hide my desire for women.

I don't have to be the mysterious manic pixie dream girl whose purpose in the story is to teach the male protagonist the meaning of life. I don't have to fall in love with a guy and hope he'll chase me through the airport as I board my flight home.

I don't have to want a guy at all.

I drop down on the couch and hit the FaceTime icon under Nina's name.

When the call connects, I see that Nina is sitting on her balcony in a swimsuit with some kind of tropical cocktail in her hand.

"Ask me what I did today," she says, shades still up so I can't see her eyes.

"What did you do today?" I say with a smile.

"I landed the fucking girlfriend role on Companion Report —six episodes recurring with potential for MORE!" She squeals and I scream and she stands up to dance around the balcony. I join in, swaying on the couch and cheering until she drops back down in her chair.

"This could be it," I say. "The moment you look back on in ten years as the one that changed it all."

"Fuck yeah," she cheers. "Bring on those starring roles, Universe."

"Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Originals—" I list her favorite streamers, all of which she put on her vision board at spring equinox. "You call, she'll answer."

She hoots one more time, gulping her tiki drink with a satisfied smack of her lips.

"Now," she says, shoving her sunglasses down her nose so I can see her eye me in the FaceTime camera. "Give me all the updates on your re-meeting with the ex-bestie."

This is it. This is the moment.

"So, here's the thing," I say. God, why am I so nervous? This is Nina, my queer best friend. The closest person to me in the world. Basically my sister. I've described the shape of dudes' dicks to her, given her every glorious detail of the few spectacular fucks I've had in my life. She is my rock. She is a safe place.

"Dude, did you glitch? Is the call dropped?" Nina questions. I snap out of it.

"I'm queer." I spit it out like it's a piece of sour candy. Too tart to hold on my tongue anymore. "I like both women and guys. I always have."

She sits up straight in her chair.

"I know it's shocking," I say.

She pulls her shades off completely.

"I haven't told anyone, ever, except Julia."

Her face screws up. "Okay, we're gonna come back to that tidbit in a second, but, holy fuck, wow, amazing! And, I mean, also, that connects a lot of dots for me."

"What do you mean?" I'm affronted. "I gave you dots?"

"Just saying, there have been some moments where I was like, maybe she doesn't just want dick ." She shrugs, scrunching her nose. "Pretty much ever since the Phi Beta Kappa party junior year. That girl…Maia—do you remember her? She was fine ."

Awe shakes my features loose and I nod.

"She was totally into you and asked if you liked girls, too, and I—of course—had no reason to say yes so I didn't, but I pressed her on why she wanted to know and she said she just got a feeling from you."

Maia. The girl in Western Civ that I totally did have a crush on.

She was not only gay . But was also into me .

"Oh man, missed opportunity," I say, to which Nina chortles.

"For sure," she says, nodding.

I exhale a laugh but it feels more like a cry. And then it really is going to turn into tears. Big, real, impossible-to-hide tears. Her laughter dies back fast and she puts her face close to the camera.

"Hey."

My eyes well up.

"Hey, babe, look at me." Her voice is soft, reassuring, full of so much love.

When I finally do look into her eyes, the tears start to fall.

"I know it's scary to let things change. But it's also so incredibly good." Her voice is like a warm blanket, cozy and comforting. "This is it." She restates my thought from earlier. My chest gets tight and hot; my cheeks blaze as more tears flow. "This is the day you'll look back on as the moment when you chose to love yourself no matter what. It will be so fucking worth it."

I break down.

All the walls I've kept up, all the years I've stayed quiet. All the times I pushed away yearning, ignored my true feelings, minimized every desire just to preserve an ideal I let define me and confine me. All of that secrecy, running, hiding, being too afraid to seek, it all melts away under the light of truth.

I wipe my eyes as Nina wipes hers. She tells me to get a glass of wine so we can toast, and I dutifully—but still soggily—follow her orders.

"To your coming out," she says, lifting her tiki drink toward my screen. I cheers the camera. I'm surprised by the waves of relief and fear, peace and excitement that wash over me as I come down from the moment.

"Circle back time," Nina finally says. "You told Julia about this?"

I fill her in on the Epic History of Julia and Kit, hitting all the highs and lows of the five years we were inseparable: the tarot reading promising we were Twin Flames, falling in love slowly but completely, hooking up and freaking out, the way I tried to erase my feelings for her, the way I ghosted on my way out of town for Berkeley.

"And we kissed again," I say. "Today."

"Oh my God, when? Where?" She leans forward in her chair, waiting with bated breath.

"In here and in her room." I blush. "It was…really hot."

Nina squeals, "No fucking kidding. She's a fox."

"We pulled a card."

"Tell me it's a good one or I swear to God I'm gonna do a spell. Keep this shit on track," she threatens with tigerlike strength. I giggle, marveling at how easy it is to talk to her about this. How normal and good it feels.

"No spell needed." I exhale a sharp breath before saying it out loud. "The Lovers."

Her eyes get massive as the meaning dawns on her. "That's some soulmate shit right there—your psychic was right."

And I guess she was, but it doesn't change that Julia and I still have a lot to figure out. We still have a long way to go before we can know if this time of finding our way back to each other will be the last time.

"So, hate to bring this moment down with reality, but I have one more question," Nina says, brows drawing together to emphasize her seriousness.

"I know what you're going to ask, and the answer is no. I'm not telling them."

"I get it." But her face drops into a baby frown. "As a counterpoint, you will have to tell them—it's important that you do."

"And I will." I groan, gulp some wine. "I just want it to be my thing without them putting their expectations on it. Just for a little longer."

"Fair. One hundred percent fair," she agrees. "Clearly you should focus on the legit second-chance romance happening right now, in real life." She shakes the phone in excited agony.

"Oh my God," I say, laughing. "I'm hanging up."

"Rom-com gold, baby," she says. "This is the dream."

" You are the dream."

"I am the dream," she says with a pleased wiggle, and then exclaims, "Oh! Forced proximity! Friends to Lovers! Look at the trope candy."

"Goodbye, Nina," I singsong.

"Love you," she says. Kisses at the screen.

"Love you more," I reply, hanging up the call.

I fall back against the couch, letting the now empty wineglass slip to the seat beside me. I feel emptied out in the best possible way and grateful that I told her. Getting it out there—even if it's to someone I trust and love as much as Nina—feels like ripping the Band-Aid. Necessary, a little painful, bracing, but also like your skin can finally breathe.

She's right about my parents. At some point I will have to tell them if I intend to make a real go of this thing with Julia. The idea of that sends a thrill up the length of my spine.

If she wants me, if she wants to try, then there's nothing standing in the way.

Not even the past.