Chapter 46

forty-six

ISLA

"What are you going to wear?" Jess asks. She and Nev lounge on my bed as I rifle through my closet. I've been trying to settle on an outfit for the fall festival tonight. But nothing is right. It has to be warm but cute. Maybe a little sexy.

I hold up my favorite possibility. "Maybe this?" It's simple, but sexy. A pair of black fleece-lined leggings, an over-sized pumpkin-colored sweater with buttons along the wrists, and a black beanie. Paired with some brown leather ankle-booties and a scarf, it's the perfect combination of functional and cute. And I know Maddox loves my ass in leggings.

"I like it." Nevaeh nods. "You could wear that long gold necklace with it. The one with the triangular pendant."

"Oh, yeah. That would be cute." When neither suggests any further alterations, I head into the bathroom to change, but leave the door open so we can talk .

"So things with you two are getting serious, huh?"

"I think they are," I tell Nev. "I'm still getting used to all the attention being with him brings, but yeah. I'm pretty serious about him."

"Is h e the one ?" Jess asks.

My lips curve into a smile. It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. "Yeah. I think he might be."

"And you'll be able to handle all that attention for the long run? Because Maddox may be on the older side for a hockey player, but he's still got some years left in him. Not to mention whatever he does after the NHL. A lot of the guys with his level of popularity can leverage their fame for a sportscaster gig or big time endorsements." Leave it to Jess to ask the practical business questions.

"I'm not saying it'll always be easy, but yeah. I'll do whatever it takes to make this work. I…" Staring at myself in the mirror, I suck in a deep breath. "I love him."

Nevaeh squeals from my bedroom. "Babes, you don't know how happy that makes us to hear that. We were so worried that after everything Alex put you through, you'd never open yourself up to love again."

"I wasn't sure either," I admit. "But Maddox is different." The way he makes me feel… I can push through the little doubts that creep in because of my past with Alex.

"We're really happy for you." Jess grins at me when I stride out of the bathroom. "You deserve someone who treats you like the queen you are." She chuckles, sharing an amused look with Nev. "We never would have guessed any of this would happen when we placed the bid on the date with him."

"Yeah." I laugh. "And I never thought I'd fall in love with the guy who ignored me for the first part of our date. Life is funny." My best friends wrap me in a hug, squeezing me between them. "Now get the hell out of here. My boyfriend will be here to pick me up soon."

"I see how it is." Nevaeh shakes her head. "We introduce you to your soulmate and you kick us out of your life."

"You look beautiful." Maddox links our fingers as he steers one handed.

I blush. It doesn't matter how many times he says it, my heart still skips a beat. "You look pretty handsome yourself. Are you going to be warm enough, though?"

Maddox wears a button-down shirt and jeans. The sleeves are rolled up to his elbows. He looks hot as hell, but it's chilly out. I glance at the backseat to see if he's stashed a sweater back there.

He clears his throat. "Uh, yeah. About that." Maddox makes a turn leading away from where the festival is being held and toward his apartment.

I laugh. "Did you forget a jacket? That's okay. We can go get one. I don't want you to be cold."

"I didn't forget a jacket." His fingers tighten around mine. "I know we talked about going to the fall festival, but I actually thought we could do something a little different?" His gaze pings my way before returning to the road.

My stomach rolls. "Oh. Okay… Um, what were you thinking?" And why didn't he say something sooner? What's going on? When Maddox hesitates, my stomach twists again. It's more violent this time .

When we stop at a red light, Maddox scratches at the five o'clock shadow covering his chin. "Well, we haven't really gotten to spend much time alone lately, and there's been a lot of scrutiny aimed your way. I know you don't love the public attention, and you know I don't either. So I thought maybe it might be better to do something at my place."

My heart pounds so loudly, I swear I can hear it echoing in the cab of Maddox's SUV. "You don't think we should go out in public right now?"

His throat bobs. He's nervous. "It's not that I think we shouldn't , more that I'm not sure it's a great idea. People are still being assholes about everything, and I don't want to give them a chance to say anything else, you know? I don't want to give them any ammo against you."

My stomach drops to the floor of the car.

I've been here before. Way too many times.

"Right."

Maddox glances at me as he pulls into his building's parking garage. "Are you… Are you disappointed?"

Plastering a fake smile on my face, I shake my head. "No, of course not."

"It just pisses me off the way people have been talking about you."

"Yeah, totally." Alex's words play on a cruel loop in my head.

These are powerful people, Isla. They have certain standards and expectations. I don't want to make you feel like you have to put on an act with them. You'd just be uncomfortable, and I don't want you to feel inadequate.

Why does it feel like Maddox is using different words to say the same thing right now? And why does it hurt so much more when he says it?

"Baby, if you really want to go to the festival, we still can. Just maybe let me show you what I have planned at my place first? Then you can decide. Is that okay?" Maddox's dark eyebrows pinch together.

I try to tell myself that this is different . He's different. But my head and my heart can't seem to connect. Forcing myself to smile again, I nod. "Sure. Yeah. Of course."

Maddox is silent as he parks his car. I'm still as he climbs out and rounds the car to open my door. It's a struggle to control my breathing. My thoughts spiral. But this isn't my first rodeo. By the time he swings my door open, I've pasted the mask I perfected with Alex onto my face. And when Maddox offers me his hand, mine doesn't even shake as I place my palm in his.

He's tense as we cross the lobby and step into the elevator. I'm silent as the floors tick by on the LED display above us. By the time the elevator doors open, I've replayed the entirety of our relationship up to this point. Did I miss something? Is he ashamed of me? I know he wasn't always, or he wouldn't have stood up for me at that game. But I can't be the only one who's read the comments people are leaving on the team's socials. Of course, he's ashamed of me now. I embarrassed him. I made him look bad.

Maddox Graves is talented, famous, and way too attractive for his own good. He could have anyone he wants. And for a while, that was me. I should be grateful that I got this time with him.

Maddox's fingers splay across my lower back as he guides me into his apartment. I can feel his eyes on me, so I look up at him with a smile.

"I hired a private chef to make us dinner. There are pumpkins for us to carve. I worked it out with a local movie theater to have someone deliver fresh popcorn at eight so we can have our own theater experience and watch some scary movies." He points at the coffee table. "I got every kind of candy I could think of, and the private chef brought gourmet caramel apples."

The rich scent of something savory and aromatic fills the space. It does smell delicious. And it's clear Maddox put a lot of effort into the evening. Any other time, this would have me swooning. But it's difficult to make myself forget why he went to all of this effort in the first place.

Because my boyfriend is ashamed to be seen in public with me. He's worried about what people will say. How being with me will affect his career.

"Isla? Is it… What do you think?"

Steeling myself, I turn to the man I'm in love with. The man making my heart fracture. "This looks amazing. Smells amazing, too."

Maddox studies my face. His eyes dart across mine, and I wonder what he sees. Does he see a woman whose world is tilting on its axis? Or does he see someone calm and collected? I hope the latter, because I can't bear to let him see how deeply this is affecting me. "Is this okay? I can put dinner in the fridge and we can go to the festival. I just… I thought this might be better given the circumstances."

"You're probably right. We don't want to give people anything new to talk about. Plus, no one's ever hired a private chef to make me dinner before." I rise onto my toes and press a kiss against the scruff of Maddox's jaw. I always feel butterflies when I kiss Maddox. I feel them now. But they're different this time. Their wings drip with dread rather than joy.

Maddox wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me tight against his chest. "You're sure you don't mind the change of plans? I probably should have talked to you rather than springing it on you like this, but I wanted you to see how great it could be if we stayed in." He kisses my forehead. "Are you disappointed?"

Yes.

" No. Of course I don't mind. You obviously put a lot of thought into this."

His shoulders lose some of their tension. "I did. Now why don't you go ahead and wash your hands and I'll pull everything out of the oven and set the table."

"Sure. Thanks." I have to force my feet to move across his apartment and into the bathroom. The moment I close the door behind me, I suck in a ragged breath. Rubbing my chest, I stare at myself in the mirror. All of those nights with Alex were good practice because my expression is convincingly placid.

I give myself thirty seconds to drop the mask and feel the full force of my disappointment.

With my palms pressed against the cool marble countertop around the sink, I let my head hang. Every gulp of air feels like work. It scrapes like broken glass down my throat and shreds my lungs. When I look back up at myself, I try to justify all of it.

"He's not Alex. Maddox is protective of you. He didn't tell you because he was trying to protect you. He doesn't want you to have to deal with the trolls. He's not taking you to the festival because he cares about you. Not because he's ashamed of being seen with you."

I stare at myself. The truth of it all stares back.

I'm not good enough. Alex knew it, and now Maddox knows it, too.

But maybe if I don't make a big deal about the change of plans, I can show Maddox what Alex refused to see. That I'm stronger than he ever thought. I can handle whatever Maddox's world throws at me.

It takes longer than I'd like, but I mold my muscles into a mostly-convincing smile. It almost meets my eyes. I take one more deep, fortifying breath, square my shoulders, and step out of the bathroom. I can do this. I can show Maddox that I'm not weak. That I'm not afraid of his world.

He's waiting for me outside the bathroom door. When he wraps me in a tight hug, I have to fight back a sob that tries to claw its way out of my throat.

"Baby, are you sure you're okay? I fucked this up, didn't I?" Maddox's palms cup my cheeks. His eyes are filled with the same affection they've held since we got together. It's confusing as hell because I can't figure out what's happening.

Did he really change our plans to protect me? Or was it to protect himself and his image?

"It just took me by surprise, that's all. I was looking forward to going tonight."

His face falls. "Shit. Of course you were. I'm such a fucking idiot." His thumb traces over my cheekbone. "Forget all of this. Let's go to the festival."

"No." I shake my head. "It's okay. I promise."

He's not convinced, I can tell. "Isla, I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Let's eat before it's cold. And then I'm going to carve the best damned jack-o'-lantern you've ever seen."

Maddox's lips twitch. "Is that so? We'll see about that, Short-Stack." He presses a tender kiss to my lips before dropping his hands from my cheeks and intertwining our fingers so he can tug me toward the dining room.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he's genuinely just trying to protect me.

I sure hope that's the case, but I can't completely silence the voice in my head telling me Maddox is ashamed of me. That I'm not good enough for him.

The voice sounds a lot like Alex.