9. Leilani

My fingers tap away on my keyboard, making a steady stream of clicks that reassure me that I’m gonna nail this assignment. It’s my last one for this class, and then my focus will shift to exam prep. I have five exams in total, and this year, they’re all clumped together over three days. It’s going to be so frickin’ stressful. Although, I’m feeling pretty good about two of them. I’ve been working consistently all year, and I’ve got excellent recall. I’m confident I can nail the history paper, and I’m actually looking forward to my anthropology one. The others… I’m gonna need to put in some serious study time.

The thought both exhausts and excites me.

Call me a nerd, but I enjoy studying. Learning stuff is interesting. I love building my knowledge base and expanding my awareness of the world. I love being able to contribute intelligent comments to conversations, and yes, raising my hand in class and answering a question correctly always gives me a buzz.

Shit, I really am such a nerd.

But hey, it’s me, and I’m gonna own that shit.

If anything, my nerdiness is kind of saving me, because poring over books and escaping into history helps me to avoid the present.

My phone dings, sounding loud in the empty dorm room, and I reach for it with a frown. I don’t know why I don’t just turn the thing off, but I’m so aware that my parents might try to reach me. They love sending me pics of my younger siblings. The baby of the family—Melika—went to her first dance class yesterday. She’s two and the cutest toddler on the planet. Mom took her to something called Wriggle and Rhyme. Basically, the kids sing songs that have been around for decades and jump around, flapping their arms and giggling. They call that dancing, and little Mel looked so freaking happy. The video Mom sent me was adorable. It made me tear up just a little, wishing I could be a carefree two-year-old again.

I seriously don’t know how my mother has the energy for all her kids. The doctors told her she was too old to be having another child, but she refused to listen and continued with the pregnancy. She’s now a forty-three-year-old woman with a two-year-old… and seven other children. But she seems to thrive on being a parent. I don’t know what she’s going to do when Melika starts school and she doesn’t have babies at home anymore. Maybe by then my older brother, Noa, will have started having kids. He did get married last summer, so who knows. Mom can shift into Tūtūwahine mode and start her grandma duties. She’ll love it.

I grin, picturing her surrounded by grandchildren. But then my smile fades when I start to wonder if I’ll be able to provide her any. If I even want kids. I thought I did, but now I’m not so sure.

A shudder travels down my spine and I snap my eyes shut, willing that box in my brain to stay sealed up tight. I hate it when it rattles like that, threatening to pop open and flood my brain with ugly memories.

It’ll be a tsunami I won’t survive.

My phone dings again, reminding me that I totally spaced out and still haven’t checked my message. Spinning it over, I read the screen and see Caroline’s name.

We’re going to Offside for a drink. Please come join us. I miss you!

Why does she keep doing this to me?

Can’t she understand that I need to hide away from places like that?

She won’t unless you tell her the truth.

My stomach pinches, a breath catching in my chest as I imagine trying to explain why I’ve been acting like this lately. What will she think? Say?

Ugh. Her reaction.

I can’t do it.

So, what do I do instead?

Ignore her?

Keep being a shitty friend?

She’s gonna hate me… or stop trying altogether. That fear drove me to Denver, and I did have a few good times there. The poker was fun and?—

“Shit,” I mutter, quickly typing back.

She responds within seconds.

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See you there, wahine!

I swallow, staring at my laptop screen with a fleeting look of longing before closing it and getting ready to go out.

I almost consider changing but decide that my high-waisted flares and simple white T-shirt are fine. Shoving on my boots, I grab my leather jacket and flick my thick hair out, then force myself to put on a little lip gloss.

I’m usually into makeup and doing things to make my eyes pop, but ever since… well, I just don’t care as much anymore. I don’t want anything that will draw attention to me anyway.

Pausing by the mirror, I check my reflection and give myself a quick pep talk. “You’re doing this for your best friend who loves you. And you love her, and you don’t want to lose her, so you go, you smile, you laugh.” I swallow, gritting my teeth and speaking firmly. “You can do this, Lani. You can do it.” My voice cracks and I blink quickly, taking in a fortifying sniff before walking out the door.

I order an Uber, then wait outside the dorm building. Thankfully, it arrives in just a few minutes and I jump in, muttering a soft “Hi” before ignoring the driver. Nibbling my lip in the back seat, I manage to eat off most of my gloss before we pull up outside Offside.

“Thanks for the ride,” I murmur as I open the door.

“Have a good night.” The driver grins at me. I wonder if his smile would be so broad if he knew the chaos in my chest right now. If he could feel the maelstrom in my stomach.

You’re doing this for Caroline. She’s your best friend. Step the hell up, Lani!

My pep talk turns into more of a lecture as I fist my fingers and walk toward the bar.

The door swings open before I get to it, and I wait for the group to exit before I slip behind them. The music of the live band envelops me first.

They’re one of the local bands, and they’re pretty good. I’ve heard them play before. They’ve got a pop-rock style that’s easy to dance to, and their original stuff is just as good as the covers they play.

The place is vibing for a Monday night. Now that hockey and football seasons have come to an end, I guess people have more time to party? I don’t know.

All I know is that my teeth are on edge, and it’s taking everything in me not to spin for the door again.

“Lani!”

I hear my name and turn toward the sound.

Caroline’s bright curls catch my eye first. She’s grinning and waving, obviously happily surprised to see I actually made it.

“Yay! You came!” She wraps me in a hug, pulling me farther into the bar. I’m forced to go with her and am soon stumbling against the table and saying hi to Ethan and Casey.

Two other guys are there as well. I recognize them from the team, but I don’t know their names. I give them a polite wave, then ask, “Where’s Mikayla?”

“She’s gettin’ drinks.” Ethan points over his shoulder.

I turn to look at the bar and that storm in my stomach turns into a deadly tornado.

Shit.

Asher’s here.