7. Leilani

One week after the mind-blowing kiss…

You’d think one little kiss would be easy to forget, but nope.

Every time I let my mind wander for even a second, I track back to the feeling of Asher’s tongue gliding against mine. The way his hand splayed across my back, his grip around my waist. His smell. His taste. His?—

“Stop it,” I whisper under my breath, causing the woman at the table next to mine to glance up and frown at me.

I force a smile, but it’s stiff and awkward and… dammit, I have to get out of here.

Slapping my laptop closed, I figure I can keep studying in my dorm room. Caroline’s over at Hockey House anyway, so I have the place to myself.

I usually love that, but I was feeling restless, which is why I came to this café to do some more work. But this place is making me just as edgy, so I may as well be in the privacy of my own frickin’ dorm room!

With a huff, I storm out of Java Jeans, nearly knocking a poor girl over in my haste.

“Sorry,” I murmur, feeling my face flush as I dip my head and make a beeline for Huxley Hall.

Shoving my hands in my pockets, I feel my laptop thump against my back as I hustle down the sidewalk. My pace is too fast for the crowded pathway, but I swivel and weave through the steady flow of human traffic.

It’s a Sunday, and I have no idea why it’s so busy.

Probably because spring is in the air and it’s mildly warm for a change.

Probably because the sun is shining and people want to be outside enjoying it.

Probably because the average Joe and Jenny know what it means to relax and enjoy life.

Unlike me, who is stuck in this vortex of constantly seeking perfection so I don’t have to think about what happened to me.

I don’t like this new girl I’m becoming, but I don’t know how to get off this train.

A cold sweat prickles the back of my neck, my head spinning as I dodge my darkest memories. My fingers are shaking when I swipe my card and push the Huxley door open. Running up the stairs, I make it obvious that I don’t have time for chitchat as I pass open doorways and the common room.

People have stopped calling out hellos and greetings to me.

It took me a couple weeks to notice, but all of a sudden, it dawned on me that pleasantries for Leilani Iona have dried up. Because that cold bitch doesn’t respond anyway. She’s too busy to talk anymore. She doesn’t care how other people are doing…

Because she’s drowning, and she doesn’t know how to tell anyone the truth.

I unlock my door and quickly slap it closed behind me, leaning against the wood and trying not to wonder what they say about me now. I’m sure cold bitch is thrown around a little. Maybe the odd study freak or high and mighty snob.

They’re all probably fair assessments.

They’re all wrong.

Well, maybe not the study freak one.

But have any them wondered, Why the change?

Why doesn’t she stop and chat the way she used to? Why does she never come out to parties anymore? Why does she ignore us all the time?

I couldn’t tell them, even if I wanted to.

I can’t tell anyone.

With a thick swallow, I turn to my bed, dropping my laptop bag on the quilt and kicking off my shoes.

I’m just about to sit down when the door bursts open and Caroline breezes in with a goopy smile.

“You’re not going to believe this!” she squeals.

I wince at the high notes her voice is making while she grabs my hands and forces me into a happy-dance spin.

“What?” I end up laughing the word because crazy-happy Caroline always makes me smile.

“Casey bought us a puppy!”

I pull her to a stop, blinking a couple times, then finally managing to say, “What?”

“I know! Isn’t that crazy?”

“Yes. Very.” My tone is dry and filled with concern while my brain starts exploding with all the reasons why this is a terrible idea.

“No, come on, it’s good crazy!” She pulls her phone out of her jeans pocket. “He’s a little Shih Tzu cross, and we’ve named him Fezzik.”

“Isn’t that the giant from The Princess Bride?”

“Yes!” Caroline cracks up laughing, her red curls dancing as she throws her head back. “The name is supposed to be ironic. Funny, right?”

“Hilarious.” I nod, trying to be encouraging, and I do have to admit that my heart melts a little when she shows me the pics.

It’s actually the one of Casey holding the little guy against his chest that gets me the most. It’s all kinds of adorable, and I kind of want to call the guy and tell him “good job.”

But the practical, cynical side of me can only see how illogical it is to buy a puppy for your girlfriend when you don’t even live together.

Not to mention the work and effort that goes into raising a puppy. Do they have any idea?

“So, a puppy’s a lot of work.” I wince. “You’re not worried it’s too much too soon?”

“Don’t.” Caroline holds up her finger. The look on her face is stern and unyielding. “You are not allowed to ruin this for me with practicality and sensibleness. I am now the proud mother of the cutest puppy in the world, and you shall be happy for me.”

I let out a soft laugh and force my head to bob. “Okay. I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you.” She jumps on her toes, kissing my cheek before walking into the bathroom. “I’m gonna take a quick shower, then head back to Hockey House for dinner. You wanna come with? Rachel’s cooking, and you can meet little Fezz.”

Hockey House?

Asher?

Yeah, that can’t happen.

“Oh, you know, I would, but… um, this assignment is kicking my ass.”

Caroline lets out a dramatic wail. “Lani! You’re killing me, kid.” Her spray of red curls appears in the bathroom doorway. “It’s Sunday. You need to stop working and take a break.”

“I would. I really want to, but?—”

“Then do it.”

“I can’t.”

Caroline’s shoulders slump, her blue eyes filling with that sad concern I hate so much.

I glance away from it, my shoulders tensing as she tries yet again.

“Lei-Lei, what’s going on with you?”

A small part of me wants to just blurt it out. Maybe if I tell someone, I’ll feel better, but every time I go to open my mouth, my brain freezes. I can’t unlock that box in the back of my head. If I open that thing, all the ugly will come out and swallow me whole.

“I’m just stressed about school.”

“You never used to be that way.” She steps out of the bathroom, moving closer, getting within range.

Panic seizes me, and I scramble for my bag, shoving my shoes back on while I talk. “I know. This year has just been pressure, pressure, pressure and?—”

“It didn’t start out like that.”

“I’ve got this scholarship, and I really can’t afford to let my grades slip.”

Caroline laughs. “You work all the time. Your grades aren’t going anywhere but up, girl.”

I force out a laugh, shaking my head and refusing to look at her. “I’m sorry, I just… I’ll relax once the summer hits.”

Glancing across at her, I can see she doesn’t believe me.

I don’t either.

If anything, the summer terrifies me. Long weeks of no intense work to focus on? I’m gonna have to figure out a plan for that. I need a job. Maybe I’ll take two, or three, even. That’ll get me some decent spending money for the next school year, right?

My heart rate accelerates as my mean old brain has me rushing through solutions I don’t even want to take.

“I’m gonna go to the library.” I point to the door and make a beeline for it.

“You have no life!” Caroline calls after me.

I close my eyes as the door click shuts behind me, hating that she’s right.

About everything.

I didn’t used to be like this.

How can one incident change so much about me?

Is this my life from now on?

A heavy feeling spreads through my chest, running down my limbs and turning them to concrete as I slowly shuffle back out of my dorm and try to find another hole on campus that I can crawl into and disappear.