32. Leilani

Okay, so I’ve said the wrong thing. Again. I seem to be the queen of doing that around Asher, but was he honestly expecting me to stay?

I’ve never slept over before.

I know he invited me and everything, but I don’t see why tonight should be any different.

You don’t? my brain taunts. Wow, you really are a moron.

I close my eyes so I don’t have to look at him. Or think about the fact that I am being the world’s biggest coward right now.

What we did in the bathroom was not only mind-blowing but soul-awakening. I should be snuggled up in his bed right now, curled against his side and falling into a contented sleep. But instead I’m attempting a midnight flee so I don’t have to face how strong my feelings are.

“Do you really have to go?” He sighs, obviously battling to stay cool and unaffected.

Oh, he’s affected. He’s downright pissed that I’m bailing after what we just experienced together.

“Yes.” I nod, while my insides shake an emphatic No!

“You don’t have to go,” he mutters. “You just don’t want to stay… for some reason.” His arm flicks out. “Why are you doing this? I want you to stay. Stay with me. Please.”

Aw, man, he’s practically begging. I can hear that slight note of desperation in his voice, and it’s so freaking endearing.

But I can’t face this avalanche in my chest right now.

It’s all too much. Too overpowering.

I want to run and hide from whatever the hell is going on inside my soul.

“I think it’s better if I go.” I rest my fingers on the door handle—a physical sign that I’m serious.

“I don’t want you to,” he grumbles.

“Fine, I’ll order an Uber, then.”

“No,” he snaps. “Of course I’m going to fucking drive you. I just don’t want to!” He huffs. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this. We’ve been having the best day together, and we just had a fucking epic session in there.” He points to the bathroom. “And now you’re bailing.” His expression buckles. “Did I do something wrong? Did I say something? Did I…?” His eyes round. “Were you lying before? Was doing that in the bathroom too much for you?”

“I…” I shake my head, closing my eyes against the plethora of questions. I wish I could answer every one of them and take that look off his face. I’m hurting him. I don’t want to do that, but… how do I admit what I’m feeling?

That’s huge and terrifying.

I don’t know if I ever want to fall in love, yet I’m allowing it to happen so easily.

Shaking my head again, I attempt a somewhat lame explanation. “The bathroom was great. It’s not that. You’re great. I just want my own bed.”

“Bullshit!” he growls. “Why are you leaving?”

“Because I don’t want this kind of relationship!” I suddenly shout.

His head jolts back. “What kind of relationship?”

“You know, where you have to be together all the time. It’s pathetic.”

Running a hand through his wet hair, he looks away from me, clenching his jaw and sort of nodding. “So, you want to be in a relationship where you don’t want to be with your partner?” He shakes his head, turning back to face me with a confused frown. “Lani, that’s not a relationship.”

“I just don’t want to need you,” I retort.

And there it is. My big ol’ fear rising to the surface. The thought of relying on someone else in that way kills me. Relying on people can get you hurt. Trusting people can kill you.

But you trusted Asher before. You let him in.

Because I was trying to prove a point that I can handle anything!

But maybe I can’t handle this.

Maybe being in love is all too much for me.

“You don’t need me.” Asher’s deep voice cuts through my thoughts, and I blink, looking up at him in surprise.

What did he just say?

“You are a strong, amazing woman. You’re fuckin’ fire. If anyone could make it on their own, it’s you.” He raises his hand with this hopeless frown. As it drops against his leg, he looks me right in the eye, and I swear he’s gonna break my heart wide open. “I just want you to want me. To hang with me. To enjoy my company.”

My heart starts to swell and pulse—a special beat just for him.

“I want you to sleep next to me. With no goal other than to rest and feel safe enough to drift off. I want to wake up beside you so we can start our day together. And I’m not asking for that every single night. I just…” He shakes his head, looking adorably sad as he murmurs, “I want you to want me.”

My eyes start to burn, the emotion clogging my throat making it damn near impossible to speak. “Fuck you, Bensen,” I finally manage to squeak. “I do want you.” My bag drops to the floor. “I love spending time with you, annoyingly enough. You’re… you’re turning into everything I love about any given day!”

My outburst is followed by a thick beat of silence. He’s staring at me, his eyes wide with hope as he whispers, “You love me?”

“I didn’t say that.” I cross my arms and scowl at him.

“You didn’t have to.” The grin that’s stretching across his face right now is beautiful. His eyes are practically glowing as he does a little hip dip, then saunters across the room.

I roll my eyes. “Don’t swagger.”

“Oh, I’m swaggering.” He raises his eyebrows, his smile growing even wider. “You love me.”

“I didn’t say that,” I mutter again, but he acts as though he hasn’t heard me.

Reaching my side, he lightly grabs my hips and tugs me toward him. Planting a sweet kiss on my nose, he smiles down at me, lightly touching my hair. “I love you too.”

And there goes my heart. I can feel it pulling apart—right down the middle—gaping open to suck him right in.

I never thought I wanted to hear those words, but they’re like water for my soul.

It’s impossible to speak, so I rise to my tiptoes and curl my fingers around the back of his neck. Kissing his lips, I sink against him, and when he lifts me off the ground, my legs automatically wrap around him.

He carries me to his bed, climbing onto it with me still in his arms. When he lightly drops me against his pillows, I let out a soft laugh and don’t mind one bit as he slowly undresses me until I’m wearing nothing.

Wrestling out the covers from under me, he rolls me onto my side and snuggles in behind me, wrapping his arm around my waist and kissing my shoulder before softly whispering, “Good night, my love.”

A smile curves my lips as I run my fingers down his arm and shuffle back into the curve of his body. My eyes drift closed in the safety of his embrace, and for the first time ever that phrase two become one kind of makes sense to me.