22. Asher

Caroline took Lani back to Huxley Hall on Saturday night. As much as I wanted to beg her to stay, it’s not my place. She needs to do what she needs to do. This isn’t about me and my shit. I’ll do whatever it takes to help her.

Apparently, she spent most of Sunday sleeping.

Having pushed herself to the limit trying to escape this thing, Lani has finally hit a wall. Obviously, letting the truth out has released some kind of plug, and now her body and soul are detoxing.

I wish I could help.

It’s been impossible to sleep, to study, to concentrate. Even hockey practice this afternoon was a write-off. We were doing simple drills that I can pull off in my fucking sleep…and I was screwing up every shot.

“Make me work for it, man!” Baxter taunted me while I snarled at him and slapped the puck with my stick.

Of course I missed the goal by a mile and then skated into the wall, crashing against the boards with a flurry of curses. Coach told me off for being a dick, and I spent the rest of practice doing sprints while my team gave me looks that made me feel like a freak. Casey was the only one who got it, because he’s the only one who knows.

He understands that all I want to do is be near Lani. To make sure she’s okay, that she’s coping. That she’s able to process this shit and move on. But I can’t force my way in. I have to let her come to me when she’s ready.

But it’s been three torturous days now, and I’m losing my fucking mind!

Rolling over with a huff, I check the time on my clock.

1:34 a.m.

I thump the mattress with a growl and wonder if I should just get dressed and go do a workout at the gym. I’ve got a card, so I can get into the arena and pump some iron or run on the treadmill until my legs are jelly.

Coach will be pissed—“Sleep is just as vital as any other part of your training!” He says that a lot. But it’s offseason and I?—

My phone vibrates, then starts to softly ring.

I frown, picking it up and not recognizing the number.

At first I think it might be some asshole from another country with a scammy offer, but it’s a US number, and what the hell, I can’t sleep anyway.

“Hello?” I mumble, sitting up and switching my light on.

“Hey. It’s Lani.”

My insides jump with pleasure until I realize the fucking time, and then worry floods me. “Are you okay? Where are you?”

“In my bed,” she whispers. “I’m sorry to call you so late, but I figured your phone would be on Do Not Disturb and I could just hear your voice before leaving a message.” She softly tuts. “Actually, I probably wouldn’t have left a message.”

I grin. “How’d you get my number?”

“I stole it off Caroline’s phone. She’s sleeping.” Although Lani’s speaking softly, her voice has a brightness to it that it was lacking on Saturday.

She sounds like she’s doing okay, so the worry in my chest drops to a simmer as I sink back against my pillows and ask, “And why did you want to hear my voice?”

I picture her smile as she goes quiet for a moment.

“Did you miss my dulcet tones? That’s it, right? You needed a little hit of the sexy Ash-Man’s voice before drifting off to sleep.”

Her laughter is soft and wispy. “I can’t sleep. That’s why I’m calling you.” She sighs. “The truth is, I was hoping you’d answer, because you’re the only person I know who can fill my head with inane facts that are boring enough to fall asleep to.”

“O-kay.” I frown. “Now I’m trying to decide whether to be insulted or take that as a compliment. You just inferred that I’m knowledgeable and boring in the same sentence.”

She giggles. It’s a light, sweet sound that makes my chest tingle.

I grin, drinking in this moment. Wishing I could see her, touch her… hold her again.

“Just tell me something. Anything. So I don’t have to think. My brain is going nuts.”

My lips dip with concern. “Do you want me to come over?”

“We shouldn’t wake Caroline.”

“We won’t. We can go for a walk in the moonlight or something.”

“But it’s the middle of the night. I can’t ask you to do that for me.”

“You’re not. I’m offering. If you want me to come over, I’ll be there in a heartbeat.”

There’s a pause before she softly replies, “Really?”

“Yes.” I say it emphatically, then throw in an extra mouthful of truth to really sell it. “I like you, remember? You’re the girl I can’t stop thinking about.”

“I’m still having that effect on you, huh?”

“Uh… yup!” I exaggerate the word, and she laughs again.

But then a serious edge creeps into her voice. “Even after everything I told you?”

I take a breath, making sure my voice rings true. “Even more so than before. I’m here for you, in any way you need me. And if that means walks in the middle of the night, then bring it the fuck on, beautiful.” I fling the covers off and jump up, grabbing a clean shirt out of my drawer and snatching a pair of sweats out of my closet. “Stay in your room until I get there, and I’ll text you when I pull up outside.”

“Okay. I’ll see you soon.”

I’ve never gotten dressed so fast in my life. Hopping around on one foot, I wrestle my socks on, then bolt for the front door.

Four minutes later, I’m pulling up outside Huxley Hall and grabbing my phone to text Lani.

But she pulls the door open and runs out before I can even get her number up.

“You were supposed to wait in your room,” I grumble. “I was gonna come get you.”

“I can run from the dorm to your truck.” She rolls her eyes, then smiles at me, tucking a lock of thick black hair behind her ear. She’s dressed in sweats and a big hoodie, her little feet tucked into a white pair of Adidas. This sporty-casual look is kind of adorable on her. “Thanks for coming.”

“Anytime.” I put my truck in gear, and we pull away from Huxley Hall.

“I thought we were going for a walk,” she murmurs, glancing at me, then out the window.

“We can, if you want, but there’s also this cool spot up on the hill where we can see the stars for miles. We could park up there and take a walk…” I check her expression. “Or we could just walk the streets around here if you prefer. Whatever you want.”

“Wow.” Her lips quirk into a grin. “You’re so agreeable tonight. Is everything okay? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say ‘you want’ so many times before.”

I snicker and shake my head. Damn, she notices everything, and she’s never afraid to call me out either. It both excites and infuriates me.

Biting my tongue, I keep my eyes on the road ahead and wait for her answer.

She lets out a little huff, then leans back in her seat. “I know my news changes things, but… I don’t want you to be different around me. It just makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me, you know?”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” I quickly assure her. “I just… I want to help you and take this away from you. And?—”

“You can’t take it away. Neither of us can change it.” She pulls her sleeves over her hands and crosses her arms, like she’s creating a shield to protect herself.

“So, what do I do? How do I make this better for you?” My voice is taking on a desperate edge. I can hear it, but I can’t seem to stop it either.

“You can’t fix it.”

“I know,” I huff. “And it’s fucking killing me. I want time travel to be a thing. I want to walk into that party and find you and pull you away from that fucknugget before he can even look at you!”

She snorts, then lets out a surprisingly loud laugh.

I glance at her, annoyed that she’s mocking my tirade.

“Sorry.” She laughs. “It’s just… fucknugget’s a good one. I like that.”

My laugh is shallow and humorless as I shake my head.

“Look, I know it’s hard, and this is probably why I didn’t want to tell people. I don’t want them tiptoeing around me or treating me like some weak, helpless victim. I don’t want to be that. I don’t ever want to feel so powerless again. I’m strong. I don’t need you to wrap me in bubble wrap.”

“So, what do you need, then?”

“Just…” She shrugs. “Treat me like you did when you thought you hated me.”

I roll my eyes. “I never hated you.”

“I drove you crazy.” She shoots me an incredulous look. “You called me a shrutebag.”

“And you called me a lumpatious asshole.” I glance at her and can’t help grinning. “That was a good one, actually. And it’s things like that that made it impossible to hate you.” I raise my eyebrows at her. “You infuriate me sometimes. And you’ve pissed me off plenty. But you’ve also…” My words trail off as I feel the weight of what I’m about to say.

“I’ve also what?” Her question is quiet and cautious, like she’s bracing herself for some kind of insult, formulating a quick rebuttal to slam me down.

I soften my voice to a gentle lilt. “You’ve also made me feel things I’ve never felt before. I’ve never wanted to be with someone more. And I’ve never been kept awake at night by thoughts of a woman. I’ve never woken up thinking about the same person every day.”

She’s gone eerily quiet, and I shift in my seat, waiting for her to respond.

I’m still driving toward the hill, but I’ve slowed my speed to a midnight amble. It’s not like there are many other cars around.

“You know what,” she finally murmurs. “The hill sounds good. Let’s go stargazing.”

It wasn’t the exact response I was looking for. My gaping heart is now lying open on the operating table, and she’s changing the subject.

But I’ve got no other choice but to take it. It’s not like I can pull over and demand some kind of romantic response.

The hill’s a gesture, right?

I try to let that thought settle over me as I nod, then resist the urge to rest my hand on her leg as if she’s my girlfriend.

I don’t know what she is.

What we are.

I’ve just told her how I feel, and she said nothing back. We’ve made out a couple times with an intense heat that neither of us could hide. And we’ve had sex… or at least started to.

We obviously like each other (at least I think she likes me. She’s sitting in my truck right now, isn’t she?). But I don’t know if she’s up for anything more than friendship.

After everything she’s been through, I have to let her take the lead on this one. Even though she’s told me not to treat her differently, it can’t work like that. I’ll do my best not to treat her as a victim, but I know shit now, and nothing can change that.

I’m gonna have to get over myself if she doesn’t want the same things I do.

I can’t expect her to get all mushy and tell me I’m the guy for her just because I was fool enough to give myself open-heart surgery at two in the fucking morning.

But she’s asked to go to the hill, so I’m gonna drive us there and see what unfolds in the back of my truck. Whether it’s an hour or two of inane facts so she can get some rest or some whispered words of affection, I’ll take whatever she gives me, because just being with her is better than lying in bed on my own.