17. Leilani

It’s been four days since I ripped myself away from Asher and fled.

Four days of pure embarrassment.

Four days of torturous guilt.

Four days of deep self-loathing.

I wanted to kiss him. Oh gawd, the second his hand cupped my cheek, I was putty in his arms. His lips were perfect. His arm pinning me to his rock-hard body was all-consuming. I wanted him so badly it hurt.

And that’s what freaked me out this time.

I want him.

I want his body on mine. In mine. I want those beautiful hands exploring every curve of my body. I want those fingers touching all my sensitive spots and sending me over the edge. And he could do it. He could make me scream his name with barely any effort.

And that terrifies me.

That he could have such a hold on my physical senses.

That he could be weaving his way into my soul so easily.

“It ignites me.”

He said those words, and they made something in my chest simultaneously melt and spasm.

How can he undo me so easily?

I’ve been wound up tight, trying to protect myself against my own weakness. I can’t go falling back into a trap of letting some guy control me again. I won’t lose my power to a man. I won’t ever put myself in a position where I just have to take it.

But Asher wouldn’t do that to you, would he?

He’s not some stranger at a party.

You’re getting to know him.

You’re getting to like him.

The air in my lungs goes cold and wispy.

Wiping the steam off the bathroom mirror, I stare at my misty reflection. My skin is still tingling from my piping-hot shower, and the bun on the top of my head has droplets of water clinging to it.

I let it out, and the thick black locks cascade down my bare back.

Is this me now?

Is this my new life?

Where the only person who will ever see me naked again is… me?

If I can’t let a guy touch me, then this is what I’m sentencing myself to. I’ll be celibate. Forever.

My throat clogs, my lips trembling as I let that thought ride through me.

I’ve been so busy guarding myself against anyone learning the truth that I haven’t taken the time to think through the consequences.

But there they are.

I’ve met someone I want to be with. Someone who I desperately want to despise but can’t.

Someone who sets my body on fire and my heart alight.

Yet I’m denying myself because of some nameless asshole who took what I wasn’t willing to give. Who made me feel totally powerless.

And now I’m the one convicting myself to a life sentence of no sex and no intimacy.

“Is that really what you want?” I ask my reflection.

The NO resounds through my body. From the edges of my brain to the center of my chest to the tips of my toes.

I’m only twenty years old, and I won’t become some nun or hermit cat lady.

I can’t let that asshole do this to me.

Tears fill my eyes, a few splashing free as I keep talking to myself in the mirror. “So, what do you have to do, then?” My eyes dip to the sink as I mumble my answer. “I have to put myself back out there. I have to get over this.”

I have to make things right with Asher.

I close my eyes, the answer relieving and terrifying me in the same heartbeat.

But I have to do this.

I can’t let that stranger from the party destroy my life. He’s already taken over two months of it. And I can’t let him have another day.

Snatching my hairbrush, I slap it against the sink and suddenly spit, “No more! You can’t have one! Minute! More!” I bash my brush on the sink, one hit per word, before throwing it against the wall and heaving. “No more.”

Flinging the bathroom door open, I wrestle my clothes off the hangers, shoving my legs into a pair of jeans and throwing on my favorite sweater. This one hugs my body, showing off my curves the way I used to like so much. I refuse to look in the mirror as I tame my waves with my fingers, then shove my feet into my slip-on leather ankle boots.

“No more,” I murmur again, forcing air through my nose as I grab my purse and head out the door.

There’s a chance Caroline is at Hockey House right now, and that makes me a little hesitant to go there. If I show up and she sees me, will she wonder why I’m there? I could play like I was looking for her, but then I’ll have to come up with a reason why. The thought of making up yet another lie exhausts me. All I can hope is that she and Casey are out.

Pulling out my phone, I toy with the idea of ordering an Uber, then change my mind and figure the walk might do me good. It’ll give me a chance to think about what I’m going to say.

I also run the risk of chickening out, but then images of me with scraggly gray hair and fifteen cats meowing in my single-bedroom apartment force my legs forward.

If I don’t want that future, then I need to take control. Something I should have done weeks ago.

Fuck that asshole!

May he burn in eternal hell!

I wish I knew his name so I could curse him properly. But I didn’t find out any of those essential details, did I? I just let him kiss me and touch me and enter me without knowing a fucking thing.

I will forever hate myself for that.

Clenching my jaw, I grind my teeth together and follow the Maps app on my phone.

It takes me about thirty minutes, but I finally slow to a stop outside Hockey House.

Oh shit.

This is it.

Fisting my hands, I dig my nails into my palms and wonder if I’m capable of doing this. I loiter in the driveway, spotting Asher’s truck and figuring he must be home.

Do it. Do it now! You came all this way!

With a thick swallow, I shuffle to the door. My finger is shaking as I press the doorbell and hope to God Casey or Caroline doesn’t answer the door.

In fact, if anyone but Asher swings back this wood, I might just bolt.

The handle clicks and I catch my breath, my lungs starting to burn as I wait for the reveal.

“Hi.” The person stares down at me. “Can I help you?”

For a second, I think I might have the wrong house and quickly check my phone app. I don’t recognize this man at all, and I?—

“Who are you looking for?”

“Um…” I stare back up at the tall guy with his wavy, honey-colored hair and reluctant expression. “I’m sorry. I think I might have the wrong house.”

He tips his head to stare at me, looking ready to shut the door in my face, when he suddenly sighs like I’m a pain in the ass and mutters, “This is Hockey House.”

“Oh.” I blink. “Well, then… who are you?”

He raises his eyebrows like this is no great surprise. “Baxter. I usually don’t answer the door.”

Baxter. The name sounds familiar. Caroline must have mentioned him. “Are you on the team?”

“I’m the goalie.”

“Oh wait!” I click my fingers, feeling like an idiot for not remembering faster. “You love the dog, right? Caroline says you’re really great with him.”

A shy smile curves his lips. “Fezz is a cutie. And he’s the only guy in this place who isn’t a smartass, so yeah, I like him.”

I can’t help a grin.

“So.” He raises his eyebrows. “Who are you looking for?”

“Oh, um… Asher. Is he around?”

“Yep.” Baxter pulls the door open wide and I slink past him, then wait for some direction.

He points to the hallway left of the stairs. “He’s in his man cave. The door straight ahead there.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Uh-huh.” Baxter nods, then wanders off in the opposite direction.

I swallow, my pulse quickening as I inch my way toward that door. I capture strains of guitar as I draw near and wonder for a moment if he’s playing, but then the bass and drums kick in and I recognize the band. I listen to this album sometimes too.

Of course you do.

I roll my eyes at yet another thing we both like. This is insane! I bet the universe is having a big ol’ laugh over this one. I know! I’ll find the most annoying person on the planet and then make you so attracted to him that you can barely stand it… oh, and let’s give you two a bunch of stuff in common as well. This is gonna be hilarious!

The thought nearly makes me bail, but then my fingers curl into a fist and I tap my knuckles on the wood. My knock is so quiet, it’s barely audible, but it pushes the door open, and I’m soon staring at the back of Asher’s mussed-up hair.

He must be having a sloth day. I can’t remember the last time I had one of those. My heart aches with a yearn for pajamas and comfort and relaxation.

Why have I let myself become this study machine?

Anger bubbles in my belly. Anger at myself for letting someone rob me of… well, me.

“No more,” I whisper, lifting my chin and walking into the room.

Asher must sense the movement and swivels to spot me, his shocked expression kind of adorable. I could seriously dive right into those eyes of his. They’re gorgeous.

As is the rest of him, all shirtless and smoking hot, sitting there on the couch in his basketball shorts with his sexy bare feet and drool-worthy six-pack.

My brain threatens to shut itself down as I walk around the couch and get a full view of him.

Holy shit, he’s so beautiful!

He gazes up at me, his expression a mix of confusion… and maybe amusement?

Say something. Anything! Right now!

“Hi.” I lift my hand in an awkward wave.

“Hi, there.” He draws out the words, obviously pleased by the fact that I’m even here.

I tut and shake my head, my brain giving me absolutely nothing in response. Instead, my eyes dart around his man cave, drinking in the neatly lined bookshelves and the framed posters on the walls. He’s even got a mini fridge and a big-ass TV with all the PlayStation thingies and holy shit, look at that collection of hardbacks! My fingers itch to trail along their spines. I want to pull them out and palm the covers, then carefully open them and sniff the pages like I’m addicted to ink on paper.

“So… nice to see you.” Asher’s obviously choosing his tone carefully. “I think. I guess it depends what you came here to say.”

I turn back to study him, doing my best to keep my eyes on his face and not the shape of his muscular pecs and torso.

Inching farther around the couch, I find a spot by the coffee table and rush out what I rehearsed on the way over. “I just wanted to pop by and smooth things over and tell you that I enjoyed talking books with you the other day and the coffee was great and conversation with you ignites me, too, and it might have been a tad rude of me to take off so fast.”

I think I managed to get all of that out in about ten seconds flat, and it takes him a little minute to register everything before a wide grin splits his lips. “At least you didn’t slap me this time.”

He winks, and there goes my mushy heart again.

I let out a soft snicker, looking away from him and finding safety in the wall hangings.

“Gretzky.” I point at the framed hockey shirt. “I’ve heard of him.”

“Only the greatest hockey player of all time.” Asher stands, proudly pointing out the signature. “My uncle got me this for Christmas my first year at Nolan U.”

“It must be worth a pretty penny.”

“Oh yeah.” He raises his eyebrows, looking all stoked.

“So, a prized possession?”

“It’s right up there.”

I point my thumb over my shoulder. “I think mine would be that collection of hardbacks over there.” I spin and walk over to the bookshelf, studying the spines.

“Yeah, I’ve been collecting those since I was about sixteen, maybe?”

“It’s so impressive,” I murmur, wanting to touch and pull them off the shelf, but also wanting to preserve their perfection. “Have you read any of them?”

He scoffs. “Only the e-books.”

I grin. “Never crack the spine, right?”

“It’s probably stupid.” He shrugs. “I just like them to be in mint condition. If I really want to read the paperback, I’ll get it out of the library. Might as well keep my collection pristine, you know?”

“I totally know.” I’m sure I’m blushing as I turn to look at him. I kind of love the way he’s so particular. It makes me feel less like a neat freak. Or that being a neat freak is totally normal and acceptable. “I like this room. I like the way you keep it.”

“Yeah, well, it’s my only space in the house that isn’t overrun by slobs, so I’m probably a little anal about it. I think if the whole house was mine and the tidy scale was a little higher, I wouldn’t be quite so… precious… about this room.”

“I get it. I live with Caroline.” I bulge my eyes at him. “I don’t think that girl would put away a single item of clothing if she didn’t room with me.”

Asher tips back his head with a groan. “Can you imagine the chaos in their house if Caroline and Casey ever live together?”

I snort and laugh, shaking my head as I picture it. You’d have to be prepared to run the gauntlet every time you stepped in the front door.

“There’s just something about a made bed that makes me feel better about life, you know?”

“I do.” I nod, and we share a smile that buzzes with this connection I can’t keep denying myself.

My throat gets thick, my tongue all clammy as I wrestle my heart back into place.

“Actually, I’ve got something in my room I think you might like.” He points to the door off the man cave. “Do you wanna see?”

I swallow, my brain jumping to images of rumpled sheets and naked bodies.

My lady parts start to tingle as this excited anticipation fights for position against the frenzied nerves that are begging me to run out the door.

It takes a second for me to realize that the look on his face is pure innocence and he’s not asking me into his room so we can strip each other naked and have hot, passionate sex.

He just wants to show me something.

“Oh, um… yeah.” I force a smile and follow him through that door, my heart pounding like a bass drum as I step out of Asher’s man cave and into his inner sanctum.