12. Summer

12

SUMMER

I. Am. Trending.

Or rather, “America’s Worst Boyfriend” is.

It’s all over Twitter. The letter I wrote. The dissection of it. The whodunit. And there is little social media loves more than a good outing. How was it even published? But I don’t have time to figure that out because right now, I need to rubberneck at my own ten-car pileup.

I scroll through a river of comments hashtagged #AmericasWorstBoyfriend as I walk, head bent, face buried in a mess of my own making.

@NYer14: I bet he’s a celebrity.

@GossipLover1andOnly: A reality show star.

@SportsFan: An athlete.

@Anglophile2200: Hello? You twits. He sounds British. English breakfast tea and all.

@GossipLover1andOnly: No, she said he hated tea.

@Anglophile2200: No, she said it would be cliché if he loved it. Learn to read, dimwit.

@RoyalWatcher: Could it be one of the royals?

@BTSLover: I bet he’s in a boy band.

@HatesBoyBands: Yes, that has to be it. Guys in boy bands are royal douches.

@TheThird: Wait. I know this guy.

@SexyLady: No, I know him.

@SexierLady: No, I dated him.

I stomp like Rumpelstiltskin.

No!

My hair is on fire, my blood heats to a thousand degrees of fury. I can’t believe I did this. I can’t believe this happened. I can’t believe . . . oh shit.

I can’t believe the next comment.

@TheThird: I’m pretty sure it’s Oliver Harris the twelfth. He came with Summer to my wedding. I gave out very nice pens. I’m not surprised they split though. He seemed like a bit of a playboy, truth be told. Also, my pens were cool.

Screw one thousand degrees. I am an inferno, and I want to throw balls of fire at my very douchey ex Drew.

Because his comment is all it takes.

What started as the funniest thing I ever wrote speeds straight into an epic dumpster fire.

@ManCandyFan: Oliver! Oh, he’s hawt.

@LovesListsofMen: That British lawyer? The one who looks like Tom Ellis and Chris Hemsworth had a love child and Harry Styles donated his hair to their baby?

@GossipLover1andOnly: Yes, the one on New York’s Most Eligible Bachelors list.

@ManCandyFan: The one who dated that heiress? Chantal. And some TV actress. That dude gets around.

@CheetahNoah: I hope he gets around! I’m doing a corporate scavenger hunt, and one of the things we have to find is a picture of an internet celebrity in the wild! If I can find HIM, I’m golden.

@MenAreJerks: I bet you’ll find him being a douche.

@PeopleAreJerks: He does look like a douche too. And I mean that in the best way possible.

@ILoveJerks: Right? Jerks are sooo hot. Why are jerks so hot? I don’t even know. They just are.

@ILoveCockyJackholes: OMG, yes. So much yes. There is just something about a jackass that I love.

@DownwithDouches: And look at this picture of him. He’s posing like a freaking model, with his top button undone, his hand in his hair, like he thinks he’s the hottest thing ever.

@ILoveJerks: Well, he is. I mean, my God. That jawline. That’s, like, the kind of jawline you use to measure hottest jawlines ever.

@MenAreJerks: That’s not a thing—hottest jawline ever is so not a thing.

@ILoveCockyJackholes: Well, it should be.

@FanofNietzsche: Jerks always get the good genes. It’s the universe’s way of reminding us that nihilism is alive and well.

@QuestionEverything22: So now this is a philosophical movement?

@DownwithDouches: Let’s start a movement to stop assholes.

@HZRedhead: Yes, I concur. I dated him once. I went to his apartment to bring him tea. Wasn’t that sweet of me? And he didn’t even have the courtesy to come downstairs and break my heart in person. I was in love with him. IN LOVE. MAD, CRAZY, BEAUTIFUL LOVE. Instead, he sent his new girlfriend to tell me. This man is the patron saint of asshole exes, and he must be stopped.

My eyes bug out when I discover Hazel’s comment. She and Oliver dated for maybe two weeks. He ended it with her in person. And she stalked him. With tea.

“You got it all wrong, crazy pants,” I mutter at the screen.

Maybe I’m the crazy one, though, since I’m talking to my phone as I march uptown. Oh, wait. That just makes me a New Yorker. But the craziest thing of all is when I see the next email.

From an editor at The Dating Pool . And it answers a big question.

Congratulations, Summer! We loved your letter so much we published it this morning, as we planned to do with the top three finalists. If yours is selected as the winner, you’ll receive $5000 in prize money. Best of luck!