All That Lies Within

ALL THAT LIES WITHIN

" H ow many books do you need?" Dad grumbles as he hoists a dark blue tote into the back seat of my Malibu. The lid pops off as it hits the seat, the sides bursting, but I know for a fact I'll have cracked every single spine by the end of the semester.

Addison rolls her eyes and playfully swats at his arm. "Oh, be quiet. If a book addiction is the worst of her problems, I'd say we did all right." She winks at me as she crosses her arms over her chest, her huge grin and sad eyes in contradiction of each other.

I look away quickly, trying not to dwell on the emotions stirring in my chest.

"She's right. It could be drugs," I quip.

"Or shoes," Addison adds.

"Or boyyys," Cannon yells out from his place on the porch swing. He cackles at his joke, knowing I wouldn't be caught dead giving any boy a second look.

Dad fakes a full-body shiver and I laugh. From the moment I came out to my family at the ripe age of twelve, he's been nothing but supportive. Maybe even a bit too supportive, if his closet full of rainbow and pride-themed clothing proves anything.

Luckily, he also adores my girlfriend, Sage, who at this very moment is on her way to UC Boulder, where we'll be attending classes in less than a week.

Dad maneuvers around the open door and places his hands on my shoulders, eyes intense. "Just make sure you're getting out and having fun too, kiddo."

I move my arms up on the outside of his, my hands not quite reaching his shoulders as I look at him with an equally serious face. "Dad, I've got this."

He cracks a smile and pulls me in for a hug. "I know. It's just..."

He doesn't have to say it. He's voiced the same concerns many times before.

I've been suffering from anxiety for years—since I was old enough to understand that my mom was seriously sick and what that meant for our family. I've had years of panic attacks, therapies, and medications, all of which have helped get me to a place where my coping mechanisms and focusing only on what I can control allow me to live a beautiful, fulfilled life. But Dad still blames my serious nature on the fact that I had to grow up too quickly.

In reality, I think I was just meant to be an old soul, more content with quiet nights reading books or doing puzzles than out partying like most kids my age.

"Sage's sorority already has a party planned for Friday night, which I have promised to go to," I add. I don't tell him that I only plan to stay long enough to show face before heading back to my dorm.

"Good. Some underage drinking oughta do it." He pats my back twice before letting me go. "I just really wish you'd let us move you into the dorms."

"Oh, not this again," Addison mutters. "Chase, give the girl her moment."

He pouts, hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay."

Addison puts her arm around my shoulder, then turns toward the porch. "Cannon, Carter, come hug your sister goodbye!"

A seven-year-old Cannon hops up from the swing, jumps off the porch, and runs to barrel into me. "Love you, Wills," he says as he squeezes me tightly.

Tears sting my eyes as I hug him back just as hard. "I love you, Cans. I'll see you in a few weeks."

When he lets go, I grab his face in my hands and give him a loud, smacking kiss on his forehead. He pulls away from me, his twinkling laughter making me smile through my sadness.

Addison sighs solemnly beside me, and I follow her gaze to where Carter sits on the porch, swing still swaying from Cannon's aggressive departure. Her little legs are pulled up crisscross and her hands lie in her lap like she doesn't know what to do with them.

"It's okay," I tell her. "I'll go give her a hug." I make my way up the porch and gently sit down beside her on the swing.

Before I can say anything, she whispers, "You're my best fwiend." A lone, pitiful tear slides down the four-year-old's cheek. "I'll miss you too much if you leave."

"Oh, Carter." I reach my hands under her armpits and pull her up so I can sit her on my lap. I tuck her close to me, my arms around her and my chin on her head. "I know this is hard. But I'll be back every month, and you can come visit me at school too. I'll work on finding the best bookstore so we can spend a whole afternoon there. Would you like that?"

She nods slightly against my chest.

I pull away just enough to look down at her. "And don't forget that I'll call you before bed tonight so I can read you a story, okay? We're still sisters, still best friends. I promise, the only thing that will change is you'll have one less person to fight with over Mama's cookies."

She nods again and I hold her for a few more minutes as she talks about her plans for the day, which include a gaggle of stuffed animals playing pretend school. Reluctantly, I pull myself away from her and head back down to the car.

Dad's leaning against it, his arm around Addison as he whispers in her ear. She throws her head back in laughter, and I can't help my smile. I've been incredibly lucky to witness their love over the years and be on the receiving end of Addison's love as well.

Addison teasingly elbows Dad away and comes to wrap her arms around me. "I love you, kid." She lets go of me and reaches behind her to pull a decorated envelope out of her back pocket. "This is for you, though I don't recommend reading it now. Maybe once you've made the drive safely." She chuckles softly.

"Thanks, Mama." I tuck it into the crossbody purse slung over my shoulder, then hug her one last time. I don't miss the tears freely falling down her face as she heads up to the porch to sit with Carter.

My eyes trail after her until they slowly turn to my dad. We stand there in a stare off, then we both take a deep sigh at the same time. Laughter bubbles out of me on a sob, and I throw myself into his arms, allowing him to hug me as hard and for as long as he wants to. He's whispering encouraging words about how much he loves me and how proud he is, but I focus on his strong arms around me, enjoying the feeling of being his little girl for just a little while longer.

I've never met my biological father, but by the time I learned of his existence, I had no need to. The man who stepped up and loved me like his own for the past eighteen years has never once made me feel like I needed anyone other than the family he not only created but also pieced back together after my mom died.

He's given me absolutely everything I've needed in life—love, discipline, patience, and most of all, the knowledge that, even on my bad days, I'm enough. Everything that lies within me is thanks to his love and guidance. And with it, I'm ready to conquer the world. Or at least college.

I look down at my mom's signature at the bottom of the letter she gave me seven years ago. Not a day's gone by that I haven't looked at it and wished I had her in front of me rather than that piece of paper. It's what I cherish most of all she left behind. I can't even fathom the pain she must have felt having to write it, and I also can't imagine the selflessness it took to encourage me to love Addison as much as I had her.

I set the frame down on my desk, suddenly remembering the letter Addison gave me. I pull it out of my purse and smile at the silly drawings on the front—stick figures of the family, plus a unicorn and a...dragon? These must have been made by Cannon and Carter.

I have just enough time to open the envelope before a knock sounds at the door of my dorm room, and jittery nerves assault my bloodstream as I rush toward it. I swing the door open and grin at my squealing girlfriend, who flings herself into my arms. I pick her up slightly, her long blonde hair fanning out around us as I twirl her in place.

"We're officially college sweethearts!" she cries as I set her back down. She tips her chin down and looks at me with sultry blue eyes. "Should we christen the room?"

I laugh and give her a quick kiss. "My roommate is supposed to be here soon."

Sage sighs and pulls me back in for a deeper kiss. Her soft lips press against mine, her tongue teasing me to open for her. I slide my hands around her waist, pulling her closer as she moans— wait .

I pull back. "Was that your stomach?"

She giggles. "The excitement of setting up my room kept me working through lunch, and now I'm starving. Wanna go grab something at the student union?"

"I'm in." I walk over to my desk to grab my bag, once again remembering the letter. Curiosity gets the best of me, and I unfold it. "One sec, babe." My eyes scan the note quickly, tears blurring my vision.

"What's that?" Sage asks, coming up behind me and wrapping her arms around my waist.

Words fail me, so I stand there while she reads it out loud in a soft voice.

Dear Willow,

It's been just a handful of years since I first read the letter your mom wrote to you, though it feels like yesterday. Putting it in that frame was the best thing we ever did, because with as much as we've read it since, it would be in tatters.

Just like your mom, I knew when I committed myself to you and your father that life would never be the same. I might not have gotten to hold you as a baby, but I, too, know the feeling of my heart spending each day walking around outside my chest. I, too, know what it's like for my entire perspective on life to shift thanks to a tiny human. Or in this case, a not-so tiny human, since you were halfway grown by the time I got to love you.

And now the day has come that I have to watch you spread your wings, and I'm not sure I've ever been more excited, scared, and proud all at once. My sweet girl, you are everything beautiful and wonderful in this world. I hope you never lose your spark, your sass, and your courage to be unapologetically yourself.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you. Unlike most parents, I don't feel the need to tell you to take care of yourself or to call if you need help. You know those things already. So instead, I'll leave you with your mother's words, which are more eloquent than anything I could come up with.

"Life will be hard, Willow. It's hard for all of us. But I want you to live it. I don't want you to be too scared to make mistakes or walk away from the things that aren't right for you. I want you to know that even when you make those mistakes, you will always have people in your corner who are pulling for your happiness."

And if there's one thing I can guarantee, it's that we will always be pulling for your happiness.

Love, Mama

Goose bumps dance along my arms by the time Sage is done reading.

She leans her chin down on my shoulder and rubs her hands over my arms. "Do you want to go get a frame for this after lunch?" she asks.

I turn toward her with a watery smile. "I'd love that."

She kisses my lips softly and then shrugs her shoulders. "Well, you heard your moms. It's time for us to live it up!"