Pretending

PRETENDING

" C 'mon. Confess your sins to the dying girl."

Being reminded of Shiner's fate so bluntly felt like a kick to the gut, but Shiner herself was the only one who had a right to feel bad about it, so Lia let it pass. She flopped down next to her, feeling awkward and unsure about what she was going to say. Lia bit her lip. Saying things out loud made them real and you couldn't take them back. You couldn't deny them.

"Seriously? I'll be taking your secrets to the grave. Literally. Just spit it out."

"It isn't that easy, okay?"

The seconds passed in silence. Lia took a deep breath, pushed back the suffocating panic and stared at the pillow. The pillow wouldn't judge. "Things weren't great even before my mom…"

Lia paused. She was going to say, before my mom got sick. But now wasn't a time for lies. "...Before she got hurt. Before Waylen hurt her."

Shiner said nothing, and Lia didn't have the courage to look at her. She knew she'd lose her nerve and stop. So, she kept going. "We argued a lot. We both said hurtful things. When I was home, I couldn't wait to get back to college. To get away from her. But when I was away, I worried until I went back. I was so scared of losing her, and she was never scared of losing me. If she was, she would have left him. If she was, she would've never kept going back. Right?"

This time, Lia paused to wipe away her tears. "Mom was my anchor. Even at the worst times, at times when she couldn't even save herself, I held on to her. I held on until I couldn't anymore."

"What changed?" Shiner's voice was quiet. Even though Lia was laying next to her, it was quiet enough for her to pretend she hadn't heard Shiner if she wanted. She didn't.

"Lucy. The minute I realized how much Lucy was going to need me, I let go. Or maybe I just loosened my grip. But I was Lucy's anchor, and I wasn't strong enough to carry both of them. I knew that. I knew I had to choose. So, I did."

"You made the right choice, Lia."

"Did I? She's my mother. She gave me life, and when she needed me, I wasn't there to protect her or Lucy. I failed them both."

Lia heard the bed springs creak as Shiner turned towards her, but Lia still couldn't bear to look at her. "You don't really believe that do you? Waylen was the one who put your mom in the hospital. He's the one who abandoned Lucy. But you stayed. You took care of both of them. And Lucy? She's still here. She's safe and sound asleep in the next room thanks to her big sister."

"But was that right? Lucy is in even more danger traveling with us. Don't you see? I say Lucy's my anchor and that she needs me, but I hold on to her just as much. I brought her with me even though I knew it'd be dangerous. How is that being a good sister?"

"What was the alternative, Lia? Leaving her behind in a town under quarantine while government officials conduct shady experiments that could kill her? You can't protect her from everything all the time. You can't worry about every possible outcome. You'll drive yourself crazy, and that's not fair to you."

"You don't understand. Lucy, E.J., Eddie, even you and Nick… I hold on to you. I hold on to you because I'm terrified of not being able to stand on my own. I hold on to you because life feels like this immense wave that will swallow me up and carry me away if I let it. I'm holding on to everyone for dear life. I'm a shit daughter, a shit sister, a coward, because if I didn't have anyone else? I couldn't handle it. I'd crack. I'd crumble."

"I don't believe that."

"Shiner…"

"Lia, I know we haven't known each other that long, but do I come off as the kind of person who does sap? Do I go out of my way to be nice to people?"

Lia bit back a laugh. "No."

"That's right, I don't. If I say I don't believe something, it's because I don't. I don't believe you would crack or crumble. I've watched you, Lia, and you're not a cookie. Sure, you're a little too nice. But you'd find a way. Whatever had to be done you would do it. I believe that."

"Thank you."

"It's not wrong to lean on people either. Nick and me, we know this isn't a picnic. We know this isn't something you chose. Not right away. Anyway, we're all going to need each other if we're going to get through this. And Nick is going to need you...after I'm gone."

"You should tell him."

"Not yet. He's not ready yet."

"How do you know?"

"I know. I told you Nick likes projects. He needs a cause. Someone to save. If I tell him now, he'll shift his focus to saving me. That's not where his head needs to be right now and there's nothing he could do anyway."

"Don't say that. Don't give up. There's still time and maybe we'll find something else. Something doctor lady hasn't found yet. Some new information that could help."

Lia finally looked up to see Shiner smiling at her. It seemed so out of place on her face, and it pulled at something inside Lia. The tightly sealed bottle of emotions finally broke open. She could feel the wave rising. Coming for her. It felt like an omen.What had Shiner been like before all this? What had she dreamed of? Who had she loved?

"Hey, there's that unshakable optimism I hate so much."

Lia's laugh caught halfway on a sob. "You're the worst."

Shiner rolled over on her side, and Lia could feel the heat of her stare even though she hadn't removed her shades. "Promise you won't tell him."

"I won't tell him unless he asks," she hedged.

"Fine."

"You could solve all this you know. Just stop trying to die on us."

Shiner scooted closer to her; her voice barely audible over the slight hum of the ceiling fan. "I'll let you in on my own secret, okay? I wish I wasn't checking out early because I'm fucking terrified to die, and I'm angry because this is the only version of me you're ever going to know."

That feeling hooked Lia again. This time right in her gut. "I take it back. You're not so bad."

Three heartbeats and two Mississippis passed in silence. "Don't hold this against me, okay? I know you've got a thing for him, and I know this is coming out of nowhere, but…"

Shiner's lips were as gentle as butterfly wings against her mouth. Lia didn't pull away, she didn't want to, and these two thoughts were the only ones left to her as their mouths contemplated their will. A gentle summer rain dripped on to her cheeks.

"Shit. You're crying. Don't feel bad, okay? I know you're into Nick. I know it's not like that between us. I just needed to know what it's like before—

Lia wiped the tears from her cheeks. "It's not that. It was nice. It was—I need air."

It was right . Those were the words that Lia couldn't bring herself to say. That it felt right to her in a way that Lia couldn't understand, and it was too much for her on top of quarantine and everything else. She tore out of the room so fast that she didn't see Nick as she plowed into him.

"Shit! Are you okay?" he asked. His arms were the only thing holding her upright.

"I think so," she replied, rubbing her shoulder as Nick took a step back.

Lia paused, calculating the distance from the door to where he was standing. Her cheeks flushed.

"So, what did you hear?"

A look flashed across Nick's face so fast that it was almost imperceptible. Too bad for him that she could guess at it anyway.

"Don't you dare think about lying to me. You've kept enough secrets as it is."

"That's rich coming from you."

For one anxiety-ridden instant, Lia thought he meant what happened between her and Shiner. He couldn't have overheard that. Could he? It had to be the other thing. Again, Lia hedged her bets.

"What are you trying to say, Nick? Spit it out."

"Not here."

He pulled her further away, past a few more rooms and into a little alcove where a bunch of vending machines stood. Lia deposited a few quarters into one. She and Lucy hadn't eaten since breakfast, and it also gave her an excuse not to look at him.

"She's dying, isn't she?"

Lia pushed the E3 buttons. A sticky bun with icing whirled forward before dropping into the bin below. She promised that she wouldn't tell him, but only if he didn't ask.

"Yeah. At least, she seems sure."

Nick's fist hit the vending machine closest to him so hard that she heard an item thud into its bin. Waste not, want not. He grimaced as she reached around him to scoop it up. It was a bottle of fruit punch. She pressed F2 on the first machine before it could spit out her quarters. Shiner was going to need a pack of Oreo's if the three of them were going to talk about this.

"We have to get past the check points and out of this quarantine. The doctor will know what to do. How to—how to save her," Nick said.

Lia pretended she didn't see the tears pooling in his eyes. "Save them . E.J.'s turning into something, and so is the rest of this town."

Reminding him of the mission seemed to steady him. He nodded. Lia pushed E3 again, then A4, and D1. The last two were nacho cheese chips and a bag of pretzels.

Lia didn't look at him as she asked, "did you hear anything else?"

Nick cleared his throat. "Only that you have a thing for me. Allegedly."

Now Lia was flushing for an entirely different reason. "Yeah, well. You aren't terrible to look at. That's all."

"Is that all?"

It was a signature Nick stare with all the intensity of him focusing on something unsolvable or someone who couldn't be saved, and it momentarily snatched the breath from her lungs. She swallowed, wishing the machine had dropped a bottle of water instead.

"Is there really time for anything else?"

Nick laughed, and it wasn't like anything she'd heard from him before. It was free and hopeful.

"Maybe, or maybe we can pretend. Would you pretend with me, Lia? If we had all the time in the world, what then?" He asked.

It was like Shiner said. Lia had to know. If the world ended tomorrow, if they never made it out of here, if she turned into an animal and lost all sense of her human form. If she lost Lucy. If she lost E.J. If Shiner died. There were too many ifs in the world, and she wasn't going to be confined by any of them. Not anymore. Not when there wasn't much left to lose.

There were five steps and five Mississippis until she closed the gap between them. "If we had all the time in the world, you'd be somebody I wouldn't mind wasting some of it with. Getting to know you. Maybe getting into some trouble."

Nick raised an eyebrow. "Trouble, huh? What kind of trouble?"

"This kind of trouble."

She tugged at the front of his shirt collar, letting him lean towards her, giving him time to decide. Nick bent towards her like a warrior in supplication to his queen. Lia reached up, her hands roaming the sides of his jaw, his hair, his neck. She gave it one more Mississippi before she brought her mouth to his, gasping as his tongue slid into her mouth. This wasn't the soft, sweet, hesitancy of her kiss with Shiner. This was rougher and a bit indecent. They came up for air, a little dazed, before bringing their mouths together again. Lia gripped Nick's shoulders as he lifted her into his arms, and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Her snacks had tumbled somewhere to the floor, but they would be fine for now. This was more familiar to her. Less confusing and less conflicting. She nipped at his bottom lip as Nick pressed her back against one of the vending machines, their shirts riding up just enough that they could feel the warmth from each other's skin. Lia impatiently pushed one of his hands underneath her shirt and Nick pulled back.

"That kind of trouble. Yes, I understand now," he said as he tried to catch his breath.

Lia leaned closer to kiss him again. "Are you sure? No offense, but guys are a little dumb and I wouldn't mind explaining again."

"Some taken, but I also have to admit you're not wrong," Nick replied, easing them apart. "But Lia, it's one thing to get caught up in a moment and another to really want someone. Even for just a night. Are you sure?"

Lia sighed, and as much as she didn't want it to, reality started coming back to her. She didn't want to think about what happened between her and Shiner because it raised some questions that she'd rather avoid. But was she using Nick to do that, or did she actually like him? If they were going to cross the line more than they already had then she needed to be sure.

"Look, I can't promise you a relationship. We can't pretend that we're not trying to save the world. Literally. I do like you, and I want you as more than a friend, but if we're left standing at the end of all this then I realized I have a lot to figure out. It'll be the first time that I can live my life for me. It'll be the first time that I'll feel free. I don't know what that Lia is going to want, but right now I want you."

Nick kissed her. "I'm okay with that."

"Are you thinking about that with your brain or your man parts?" Lia asked.

Nick laughed and lowered her to the ground. "I'm not gonna lie. It's like 75/25."

Lia picked up the discarded snacks and bottle of fruit punch. "Then I'm okay with that. But for the love of God, if we're really going to do this, let's not make it awkward. We have to be adults about it."

"Agreed."

Nick's smile fell. "For now, I think that means putting this aside while we figure out how the hell to get out of here."

He pulled a few of his own quarters from the pockets of his jeans and put them into the drink machine. There was a rattling sound as a few bottles thundered to the bottom. Nick bent and retrieved five bottles of untainted water.

"Let's go."