Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

A dopey grin plastered itself on my face. Each step back out of the cavern felt like walking on air. I barely felt the climb up the ladder, and I didn't need a torch; my bloodmagick glowed with renewed strength and vigor, lighting the path for me.

I didn't even mind the mess of Nisar's blood all over my hands. The knife had gone through his neck like butter, severing his windpipe and—

It was noisy in the cave—that was odd. It had been quiet before, hadn't it?

"What the fuck is—oh. Zephyr. Here you are."

I giggled a bit, waving my glowing hand in front of my face and momentarily illuminating hers. Her nose wrinkled at me, and she lowered her own torch.

"You look like a goddamn candle. Where is Nisar? What did you do ?" Her voice grew increasingly more distressed with each question, but I couldn't be bothered to care. Couldn't she feel the power like I could, racing through my veins and setting my blood on fire? I could rule the world, I could do anything—

"ZEPHYR!"

"What?" I shot back, my smile fading somewhat. What was she so upset about? No one liked Nisar. I felt the same as I did that one night when I'd drank too much wine. But better. So, so much better …

SLAP.

"Snap out of it! You're covered in blood! Tell me what happened!"

My cheek stung, but it was nothing more than a mild irritation; nothing really when compared to the high, floaty feeling …

SMACK. SMACK. SMACK.

"Stop it!" A rush of magick rushed out of me slamming Shava against the cave wall. She hit hard, the air rushing out of her lungs as she hit with an audible WHUMPF.

I should help her up. I should care . I liked Shava, after all. But it was nearly impossible to dredge up any concern; it was almost like there was a vacant spot in my heart where the emotion would have once been.

Shava staggered to her feet, one hand held out in surrender.

"No, never mind. I don't want to know what you did to him. I know you did something with your bloodmagick and sorcery! The magick is changing you."

I scoffed. Impossible. I had everything under control.

"Maybe everyone around me is the reason I am the way I am," I bit out.

Shava laughed in my face. "Oh, yes. You poor, pampered little palace brat. Your life was so goddamn hard." Her face turned serious. "Your hardships don't determine your path in life. The choices you make after are what define you."

She wasn't making any sense, but when had she ever?

One thing was clear, though; I wasn't stopping.

"Have you come here to scold me like a child?" I sneered.

She blinked, taken aback. "I was worried , you idiot. It's been six hours since you disappeared with Nisar. I had Zariah bring me here to look for you both."

Six hours? That couldn't be right. Surely the ritual hadn't taken that long.

Her large eyes bored into mine, full of fear and sincerity. Something inside of me cracked. The hard, frosty interior I'd been clinging to thawed slightly, and more a moment I let myself dream.

"Why are your eyes glowing? Zeph?"

I heard her, but the words didn't register. What would it be like to have someone who truly cared about me? There was nothing in it for Shava—I was a hunted fugitive like her. That meant her care was genuine.

She cared for me, just as I had realized I cared for her.

The girl will hold you back from reaching your potential.

A tangible force inside of me rose against the burning magick, fighting back. My thoughts cleared and a small, childlike wish left in its wake.

"Promise me you'll stop this, Z. It scares me. Or if you won't stop, can we research it together? I know I can't read, but I could help."

Her offer shook me. Unlike my fellow scribes, she wasn't offering to help as a bid to glean and share knowledge; she was doing it because she wanted to help me.

Finally, you will know love. You will be cherished. You will know acceptance.

I stared at Shava, on the precipice of disaster. If I stopped my research, I could give up unlocking the secrets to the deepest, most powerful magick anyone had ever seen. But there was no guarantee she loved me. And even if she did, what if she just changed her mind one day, or the queen threatened her? Love existed only until something stronger threatened you.

I couldn't trust it.

And yet …

"Z, please."

Her torch lay on the ground, its flame throwing the shadows on our faces into sharp relief. Shava reached for me, ignoring the blood and sweat as her arms wrapped around me and pushed my head into her breasts.

Yes. Yes.

I relaxed against her and closed my eyes, muscles loosening. Was this how most Noble boys felt with their mothers? Was the queen like this with her sons? Was being happy and content as easy as simply allowing it? No, that couldn't be it. That was too easy.

"Z, all of this magick is changing you. Can we agree on that?"

I pulled back, happy for a question that had a logical answer.

"Of course it is," I answered. "That is the point."

She ran her hands through her long, dark hair, agitated. "It's changing you in other ways. You never had much patience to begin with, but lately your temper is explosive. Sometimes the look in your eyes … it scares me. This magick is changing you. Will you stop, please?"

I wanted to scold her for such a childish plea, but the argument was mute on my tongue. Shava wasn't doing it because she wanted something or thought she could gain something if I gave up bloodmagick.

No. She was arguing because she believed it; because she cared.

That word again.

I didn't understand it, and what I didn't understand frustrated me.

"Z. Zariah is waiting outside. Are you coming?" Her hand reached out to mine. It was nice having her around, and I was loathe to do anything to change that. She was always soft and willing in bed, and was one of the few people I'd met I could actually tolerate.

I grasped her hand in mine.

"Perhaps I could … slow down on the rituals," I conceded. After all, perhaps it was unwise to go at such a rapid pace without giving my body a chance to recover, as well as study the lasting effects.

Yes, this was my choice. It was in my best interests to slow my pace and research the risks. Life was all about compromises, wasn't it?

"Very well. Let's go," I finished.

Shava beamed at me. "These tunnels are quite wide. Wide enough for a bunch of people, don't you think?"

Perhaps she was on to something.